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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To blank the mum of the kid who didn't invite ds to his party?

99 replies

cornishgal · 18/12/2009 18:35

I posted about this few days back but there have been developments...! This kid who I'd done lots for - home for tea, days out, looked after him while his mum was at work - had a 9th birthday party a while back and didn't invite ds. As far as I know, they are in a pretty tight little group of pals at school, of about five of them, who always play together every break - and have done for years. Can't understand why ds wasn't asked, unless he'd done something horrible recently to party kid without me knowing about it.
Anyway, just bumped into the mum for the first time since and she was a bit creepy-smiley to me. I'm afraid I blanked her. AIBU? I suppose I am and in any case I can't keep that up for the next two years till they leave primary school, can I? I just feel kinda annoyed at her...I'd taken her kid out while she was working literally a fortnight before the party, day out, lunch, dropped him home, while she was working...And then this. And it's not like her kid is Mr Popular with zillions of mates to choose from, if anything he's a little bit of an oddball no-mates, which is why I'm baffled by it all. Well even as I write this I know I've got to get over myself, but WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

cornishgal · 18/12/2009 20:43

I think I will go for double brazen, pretend I genuinely didn't see her today and just move on. Lily, don't think it was the mum trying to be social climber, she's not that sort really at all - I don't think she gives a toss about being in with the in crowd, she's a single mum and years younger than most of the mums at our school (and me), also lives quite far out of the catchment area and works full-time. It's much more likely that she just let her kid pick the party goers and either didn't think about how we would feel - or didn't care!

OP posts:

GinandChocolate · 18/12/2009 20:46

Oh please - how selfish and inconsiderate does someone have to be before it is acceptable to blank them? She uses your babysitting services and doesn't invite your DS to her DS's party. Blanking is a nice response compared to what she actually deserves. YANBU at all.

KiwiKat · 18/12/2009 21:05

YANBU to feel miffed, and YANBU to blank her - but I would say that you are being UNWISE to blank her, as it gives her something of a moral high ground. Let us know what she says when you ask her why your ds was left out. Hope you get the relationship back to a balance that you're both happy with.

Heated · 18/12/2009 21:12

In this situation I would have initially thought a mother out of school catchment, works f/t, maybe didn't know who to ask BUT you've actually had her child home, taken him out and looked after him as a favour, so she appears darned rude.

The only mitigating factors I can imagine are that your sons fell out for a while or ds lost the invitation.

If you wanted to put her on the spot a little and get to the root of it then Littlwhiskerscat's suggestion is a good one. Otherwise rise above it: you're clearly a more thoughtful and kinder person than she.

PollyTechnique · 18/12/2009 21:58

I do understand how you feel!

But it would be a shame not to have this boy round to your house if your son enjoys playing with him.

Perhaps you could ask (in a non-confrontational way) the boy himself why your son wasn't invited? Perhaps throw out a question like, "I guess you didn't have enough spaces for [ds] to come to your party...?" and see if he volunteers a reply that gives you more insight.

By the way, try to be positive about your son. Labelling him "geek" etc feeds into a mind-set about him that he may well pick up on in a negative way, however subconciously.

I would be fiercely proud of him and work on being less sensitive about how others respond to him.

piscesmoon · 19/12/2009 08:52

I wouldn't label DCs. There was another party thread this week where a a DC was called an alpha male-he was a small DC of 6yrs old!! I wouldn't call them geeks or odd balls either. The fact that he isn't vastly popular doesn't mean that he is restricted in his choice of party guests. Party invitations shouldn't involve lots of diplomacy and duty. He didn't get invited this year-maybe they will best friends and he will be invited next year. Just carry on as normal.It is never wise to fall out with parents-it looks silly when the DCs have moved on and are best mates again!

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 19/12/2009 09:03

usually I'm on the grow up it's a kids party camp. But actually I can see that if you've helped this women out alot it, and your sons are friends it does seem odd not to invite him and I would be mystified and a little put out too.

You can't keep blanking her though. i'd go down the route of a cheery hello when you see her, but avoid any lengthy conversation, and don't help her oput any more. If she's not repaying your small kindnesses, you'll just end up bitter, so best to back off.

And if none of you lot have ever thought that a kid was an 'oddball' before you need to start writing to the Pope now for your sainthood.

MN is full of pomposity atm, it's tedious.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 19/12/2009 09:09

Of course party invites involve diplomacy and duty, it's just false, naive and simplistc to think they don't. They should also ivolve a level of common sense from the adults involved but sometimes common sense is telling you that's it's strange not to be invited to this one.

And now now need a debate about when a description of a kid becomes a label.

If you're just thinking the word in your head, and they are not being put on the geeks table for lessons, then I ythink we shuld back off censoring people in a pious fashion.

standandeliver · 19/12/2009 09:10

I'm with KiwiKat on this one. YANBU - but I think you need to rise above it.

Re: describing children at 'oddball no-mates' - well this is how DH and I describe DS3. He is very odd and doesn't have friends. Doesn't want any! But he's great and we tell him so all the time. I say make room for oddballs - the world would be a poorer place without them!

piscesmoon · 19/12/2009 09:31

I love the odd balls, if you want to call them that, I think they are far more interesting- but I wouldn't go labelling them. I also used to tell my DCs how many DCs they could invite (very few) and leave it to them.

piscesmoon · 19/12/2009 09:32

I do think parents get too caught up in all-I hated parties at that age so although my mother might have got upset on my part- I was quite happy!

piscesmoon · 19/12/2009 09:33

Sorry-quite happy not to have to go!

Vivia · 19/12/2009 09:43

I haven't read this but the oddball no-mates comment made me both furious and upset. You are quite a bully: what if your son reacts like you do? Might explain lack of party invites.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 19/12/2009 09:48

How does thinking someone is an oddball make them a bully??

If she told the kid he was an oddball, or told her DS his frind was an oddball or told the kids mother he was an odball, or told other mothers at the gate he was an oddball, THAT is unacceptable.

I suspect OP has not done any of those, just thought it and posted her thought on an anonymous site where weknow neither her or the kid, and that is being aclled bullying??

the thought police are out in force this week.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 19/12/2009 09:49

AND the OP is very nice and kind to the kid by all accounts.

MadameCastafiore · 19/12/2009 09:49

FFS if it bothers you so much be a grown up and ask her - I wouldn't invite your kid to a party of that is how you deal with it.

And what a great example you are giving your child of how to deal with any feelings of anger????

piscesmoon · 19/12/2009 09:51

'And it's not like her kid is Mr Popular with zillions of mates to choose from, if anything he's a little bit of an oddball no-mates,'

I think that she expressed it in a bullying way-she is putting him down.

piscesmoon · 19/12/2009 09:53

'And what a great example you are giving your child of how to deal with any feelings of anger????'

Exactly! Help him brush it off. It will only one of many disappointments in life-coping with them is a life skill.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 19/12/2009 09:57

I'm beginning to loose the will to MN, it seems to be populated by automons.

Everyone has to be utterly kind, correct, reasonable and thughtful to others at all times, even in thier THOUGHTS, or they get a bashing by the pious crew on here.

In my reality, even functioning reasonable educated adults have bitchy thoughts, get offended, feel slighted and hurt, confused by others actions, and some even say bitchy things OUT LOUD sometimes, in the privacy of thier houes to those they can share their thoughts with .

the continiaul bashing (lots of threads lately) of those with quite normal, if not eniterly correct, reactions to situations, is wearing me down.

It's pompous, pious, sanctimonious pomposity.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 19/12/2009 09:59

she is 'putting him down' by expressing her THOUGHTS on an anonymous site-and that is bullying now??

Is there anything that seriously suggests the OP is bullying this kid???

FolornHope · 19/12/2009 10:01

barbara
Im with you

waht an ungrafeul cow.
I woudl find it hard to be chamring

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 19/12/2009 10:03

Oh thank God for you again Forlorn.

Wsa MN always so snactimonious? Is it me or is it them?

FolornHope · 19/12/2009 10:05

no
god i have just slagged off someone who i only vaguly know who asked me last ngiht WHEN my christmas party was that she hadnt been invited to

shitting nora
i havebeen to her hosue ONCE in 5 years

she has been to ours about 8 times

well NO LONGER lady

FolornHope · 19/12/2009 10:05

(there is no party btw!!! )

piscesmoon · 19/12/2009 10:08

It all goes to prove why I hate parties-even as an adult!!!
(it was a DCs party-shrug it off).

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