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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect our xmas guests to respect the fact that we are vegetarian

111 replies

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 18/12/2009 17:30

OK so we are new veggies, we still eat fish but phasing it out slowly (dp reticent about this although his idea to be veggie). I have made this decision on an animal welfare standpoint.

My mum and DD1 are coming to dinner - DD1 is happy to go with the flow, my mum relly wants turkey - no worries, we can afford to get a small free range turkey - she wont countenance a chicken, but no "oh, but i always have a big turkey" i like to give some to the animals and have sandwiches etc. But i say, its only you going to be eating it fgs. I was planning on buying a small turkey crown, smallest i can find, free range wont be cheap lets face it.

She has phoned me every day for the past week - have i sorted the turkey out yet, only if i leave it too late there wont be any left

I really don't want a turkey, but i will cook it for DM, DD1 and DD2 (who is four and we still cook chicken for her) but i dont want a giant great big bird that will be a complete waste and tbh, if we have to do tht we might as well sodding well eat it but we dont really like turkey anyway.

Am i being a veggie grinch??

OP posts:
Rhian82 · 18/12/2009 17:55

If she's coming to you, then she shouldn't expect you to cook her meat. She's the one being unreasonable.

As a veggie I get given all sorts of crap 'veggie options', but respect that if I'm being fussy round someone else's house that's the way it is. That goes both ways.

RockinSockBunnies · 18/12/2009 17:56

I'm in a similar situation. I became veggie over the summer and am having my first meat-free Christmas. I also happen to have agreed to do Christmas for 7 others (all of whom eat meat).

Basically, my cousin has agreed to buy and cook all the meat at her house (10 mins away) and bring it over on the day. I'm doing all the rest of the stuff for Christmas. I do not want to cook meat and feel uncomfortable buying it now.

SilentBob · 18/12/2009 17:57

But no-one is disrespecting the fact that you don't eat some meat. You say you will buy a turkey and cook a turkey, this is not the issue- it is only the size of the thing that bothers you. Therefore, if your mother has or will pay for it, then surely she can get whatever size beast she wants? I cannot see where the problem is. YABU.

RumourOfAHurricane · 18/12/2009 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

alicet · 18/12/2009 18:02

Have to say I am gobsmacked that there are so many responses saying YABU. Whatever happened to 'you are invited to someone elses - be bloody grateful for what they provide and don't moan about it'?!!!

There was a thread recently about someon moaning about going to ils for christmas and being given aload of iceland frozen / aunt bessie crap. And the resounding response was that if you wanted to complain about the menu you should respectfully decline the invitation and do it yourself.

Your mum should suck up what you are doing (and I think your compromise of the smallest turkey joint you can find is better than I would expect - if I was going to a veggies for christmas I would expect to eat veggie) or if she doesn't like it to do her own Christmas at home.

I don't think it is comparable to say veggies expect to be catered for as at the end of the day they could just eat the veg and eating meat as opposed to not is NOT a moral standpoint is it?

Morloth · 18/12/2009 18:07

OK, it is your house and if she doesn't like what is for lunch then she doesn't have to come. I would totally expect a vegetarian lunch if invited to a veggie's house for Christmas, regardless of how long they had been a veggie.

Having said that, if you are going to buy a turkey in any case, then from a animal welfare point of view it doesn't really make that much difference if it is a big one or a little one does it? One bird still died to provide the meat. Get the best quality (i.e. free range/organic) bird you can afford and get the biggest one within that criteria.

Seems like a win win to me if you are going to buy one anyway.

nannynobnobs · 18/12/2009 18:10

I've never cooked a whole turkey- what's the point unless you're feeding a big table? There will be five adults and two kids here this year and I'm still only buying a turkey crown.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 18/12/2009 18:19

If its FOR HER (your mum)
SHE'S buying it
You don't mind cooking it,
and she will have the leftovers....

then YABU for being stubborn. You can't expect everyone to have your ideals.

And of course the OP can still be veggie (or demi veg, or whatever...) and still feed dd chicken. For the same reason as above.

And I used to be veg, LOVED nut roast, but given the choice between nut loaf and turkey (to meat eaters) is REALLY no choice. YABU on that too

ImSoNotTelling · 18/12/2009 18:21

YANBU. I thought it was going to be "we have gone veggie mum wants turkey i don't want to cook it".

But no, you are happy to provide her with turkey which i think is bloody nice of you and going beyond call of duty already.

She wants a great big honking one because that's what she always has - probabyl because it won't be xmas without one

YANBU at all. WTF are you going to do with 50lb of leftover turkey and why should you have to deal with it. Give her the crown.

ImSoNotTelling · 18/12/2009 18:22

Gosh I sound very firm in that post

GrimmaTheNome · 18/12/2009 18:29

Of course there's a difference between cooking a little turkey and a big one - anyone who says otherwise surely must have a huge kitchen with an aga . Its more faff to make sure the thing is actually cooked nicely (easier not to get raw middle/dry outside with a smaller bird). Its going to take up room in the oven which the OP probably needs to cook what she wants. She'll have to start cooking earlier.

pooexplosionsonthedustyroad · 18/12/2009 18:29

Its not just anyone though, not a random guest who should be grateful for the invite, its your mother. Be bloody grateful you have a mother and cook her what she likes.

And yes, guests should be happy with what they are given, but equally hosts should put themselves out for their guests and try and make them happy. Otherwise you should all just stay at your own houses and not have the problem.

sticktoyourgins · 18/12/2009 18:32

YANBU

Actually, I think you shouldn't be serving meat to anyone. Get a nice Quorn roast, delicious with veggie gravy.

Stigaloid · 18/12/2009 18:34

YANBU - your mum is being rude to dictate to someone else what they should serve in their house.

My brother went veggie for a while and at christmas we used to serve him nut roast, which he loved.

GeneHuntsMistress · 18/12/2009 18:36

pooexplosion bloody hear hear, exactly what she said, wise woman.

and if i had a mother to come to me on christmas day i would kill the bloody turkey myself with my bare hands just to make her happy.

ImSoNotTelling · 18/12/2009 18:43

Christ almighty.

If I gave mum what she wanted it would be humanely captured lobster tails in a vintage champagne thermidore sauce, followed by caviare and duck morsels, then a 13 bird roast with hand plucked ravished vegetables and a side dish of lightly blanched unicorn flank, a choice of 18 different sorts of pudding, all washed down with appropriate vintage wines.

ImSoNotTelling · 18/12/2009 18:46

As it is she gets a cuppa and a hobnob if she's lucky

tinalane · 18/12/2009 18:48

I'm a vegan (since '93) so I know what you mean.

I think as long as you make clear what you are prepared to do well in advance, people usually understand, particularly when you have been one for a while as I have.

If you feel you have slipped somehow in catering for others, don't worry, every day we start again.

Thanks for joining in!

mathanxiety · 18/12/2009 18:53

Why did you agree to host, or invite people to Christmas dinner (which people have expectations about, foodwise) if you feel cooking the traditional food would be against your new beliefs? What exactly is a giant big bird, anyway? Could you get one about 14 lbs and compromise? What about goodwill to mothers?

JustAnotherManicMummy · 18/12/2009 20:03

at the "think yourself lucky" brigade. Not really relevant is it?

OP, think yourself lucky you are able to have Christmas at all, because in some countries they don't even celebrate Christmas... and they don't even have ovens to worry about space and they think themselves lucky if Oxfam send them a goat... and you're worrying about what pampered turkey to serve your lucky-to-have mother who gave birth to you blah blah blah blah blah.

grenadine · 18/12/2009 20:06

I would get your Mum a small free range turkey and cook it for her.

She will then be happy to be eating what she wants to eat on Christmas day and will use the left overs. It will not be a big deal for you as you are not a life long vegetarian and won't have to pay for it. If you are not eating the turkey it would make sense for those who are eating it to choose it.

Once this Christmas is over if you feel you can never cook a turkey again tell your Mum and work out a mutually acceptable plan for future years.

I can imagine that if your Mum doesn't have a nice roast turkey on the table this year she will be really disappointed.

gloomgirl · 18/12/2009 20:10

We are a family of life long veggies and previously vegans, we have the whole family (meat eaters) over for xmas and they bring their own turkey/ham/beef etc

Not a problem for us or them.

LauraIngallsWilder · 18/12/2009 20:11

We are veggie
Nobody eats meat in our house - our house our rules

This year on Christmas Day we are joining in with/helping at the church christmas day lunch for the lonely/elderly - and will take our own veggie stuff to compliment the vegetables

We will have a christmas meal with my parents on the 31st - veggie meal

My mum knows I wont cook meat - thats why they dont come here on Christmas Day!
And the fact that they live 200 miles away

pooexplosionsonthedustyroad · 18/12/2009 20:11

Not really relevant? and a
I'd like to think that my DC's will think me quite relevant if I'm still around for their adult Christmas's. Its not exactly in the same league as the general count yourself lucky blah blah is it? Its your bloody mother! Isn't that meant to be the point of Christmas, spending time with your family and trying to make each other happy?
Sheesh...

GrimmaTheNome · 18/12/2009 20:18

Indeed....making each other happy. So the OPs suggested compromise of a sensible amount of turkey seems to me reasonable.

Going on about wanting a big bird just because you've always had one before seems to me nuttier than a veggies xmas lunch!