Am I being unreasonable to think that good care with one carer at home is better than good care at a nursery?

[gotogirl]

I haven't namechanged, because I am not ashamed of asking this. It is a genuine question.

Following the thread from the mum who wanted appreciation of her parenting skills for having a good-sleeper / well-behaved 3 year old - i know it is contrary to MN netiquette to start a thread re a thread, but this is a related topic, not the same one.

Anyway, that mum suggested if it is all down to luck, she may as well pop her DD into nursery and feed her fruit shoots....cos being lucky, this "adverse" things would not affect the outcome. So, she clearly put "nursery" in the adverse category.

A few people picked her up on this and said nursery is not evil etc.

[Bear with me, this is long, I know]

My question:

does anybody genuinely feel that nursery is as good as or better than being cared for by single carer in home environment?

My thoughts: that the OP from other post is eriously misguided in thinking nursery = adverse environment. But, but....

I struggle to think that nursery is going to be better than one-to-one care at home unless home carer is ill / depressed / incapable etc.

Let's get to the point:

Am I being unreasonable to think that good care with one carer at home is better than good care at a nursery?

BTW, my kids are not cared for one-to-one at hom; I work and this is not possible. but i found what I fgeel is next best thing. I myself do not think it is superior care to what they would get if I were able to become SAHM. But economic reality dictates work for me.

i work with people with attachment disorder. and you don't have any idea of the choices that i have made. it's not personal.

Standard of nursery care in France is abysmal, isn't it?

Scandinavian countries have backtracked on early nursery care in recent years and changed their policies so that parents can be at home with small children rather than in nursery.

bursting, no doubt these people with attachment disorder came from middleclass homes but attended ft nursery from an early age?

Nursery care in France is very standardised - babies must attend state nursery every day for fixed hours and must eat and sleep to a routine that parents are expected to adhere to at weekends - woe betide the parent whose child is out of sync on Monday. And adult:child ratios are poor.

That, of course, is how you keep costs down.

ft nursery is a relatively new concept two shoes. yes many of the people i work with are middle class.

attachment disorders don't always arise out of neglect/abuse. in fact i would say that in the main attachment problems arise from far more subtle (to the outside onlooker) interruptions to the bond with the primary caregiver.

blueshoes, tbh, it puzzles me why you are arguing this so vociferously given that waht you believe that your children have had a great start (and i'm not in any way arguing with that assessment).

i should clarify that neglect/abuse result in a range of even more serious problems in adults.

Leonie, the babyroom at my dcs' nursery is one of the most peaceful places I know. Cannot say the same for the environment at home with more than one child demanding a parent's attention.

I co-sleep with my dcs. They are actually awake at home with me you know, until bedtime when they wake once an hour throughout the night, bf-ing into toddlerhood. You forget weekends.

Poor fathers who never see their children awake.

I know of a few children who have attachment issues. None of those children are from chaotic homes, nor are physically neglected. But very odd things are going on with their parents.

bursting, I am also wondering why you insist on riding on the attachment disorder bandwagon, when your dcs presumably had attentive and loving care as infants.

Bad childcare is bad childcare, no matter who provides it. A rubbish nursery with a high turnover of staff who aren't committed to the children's wellbeing is not going to be a good place for any child to be for any length of time. On the other hand, a mother who feels that society insists that she gives up her hard-won career to stay home and look after her children when she really doesn't want to, is going to be bitter and resentful and probably isn't going to be a good place for a child to be either.

As for the value of spending 1:2:1 time with primary caregiver, as blueshoes (I think) pointed out, what about big families? I probably spend more time alone with my DS as a FT WOHM than most mothers of multiple children. Does that mean their children are more likely to develop attachment disorder? Should we all have one child only to ensure that our children get the maximum amount of time alone with us?

My belief is that up until two years old a baby/child is better off at home with one to one care.

I understand that both parents having to work is pretty much the norm now. But it still breaks my heart when I hear or read about a 12 week old baby in nursery for 12 hours a day.

spicemonster - children with siblings get love and affection from their siblings as well as from their parents!

When the DSSs are here I hardly see DD - she disappears off into the DSSs room where they all seem to have a lovely cuddly time together.

Bonsoir, that sort of standardised care in French nurseries is not practised at my dcs' nursery. I would say that is bad care for a baby.

There is a play area and a separate sleeping area so a baby cab follow their own routine. A fridge for expressed bf and a chair for a parent who wants to bf a baby.

My dcs were cuddled to sleep and even held for that duration because they would wake up if put down into a cot. I love that carer.

blueshoes - it is of course theoretically possible to provide lots of onene care at nurseries - but that comes with a cost. There are a few private nurseries here in Paris that provide that sort of care. But not many - that sort of care is unaffordable for the majority.

A toddler will definitely compete for attention (consciously or unconsiously) with a baby. Even an older child who is feeling vulnerable at that moment. Sometimes, it is the toddlers who are even more high maintenance than a little baby.

LeoniedElf - oh do fuck off back to the 1950s

Bonsoir, I don't think one-to-one care is necessary in a baby room. Having sat in my dcs' for hours whilst settling in, the babies don't really demand much attention from the carers. The ones that need the most attention are those that are settling in - and the carers' time is rightly taken up cuddling them. But once settled, they are quite happy playing with toys and in the environment.

My dcs needed one-to-one time just at naptime. I am very grateful that they could/would oblige.

Up to you, blueshoes. I consider one to one care for babies an absolute essential for them growing up to be autonomous children.

Shall elaborate: so all children born to single mothers should be forcibly taken away. Or perhaps we should have forcible abortions because that would be cheaper. And we're not allowed to work because then why did we bother having children in the first place? But I bet you're one of the first people to purse your lips at single mums scrounging off the State.

What a smug world you live in

elf, I would not say that babyroom is better than being at home. I am just saying it is not as bad as you describe and actually works for a lot of babies. My dcs' friends, for one, who had attended nursery from 6 months. Some are more advanced than my ds, who attended from 11 months. They look me in the eye too.

I will be watching my dd, ds and their nursery friends closely for attachment disorder.