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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to car share? Long, sorry.

121 replies

GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2009 09:25

Yes, I probably am but I will give it a try anyway.

I commute from Gloucester to Bristol every day, round trip of about 75 miles. A colleague in another department also lives in Gloycester, he gives a woman a lift every day. He is now leaving and, as the woman as no transport, he has mentioned in passing that I live in Gloucester and I might be able to give her a lift. I don't know this woman at all, she works in a different building from me.

Now she has emailed me and said can she start getting a lift from Feb onwards. She has offered £25 a week, which is what she currently gives my friend.

I don't want to do this. I know it seems unfair but please hear me out:

-I live nearer the motorway than she does, if I pick her up from her house (which I am presuming is the arrangement) it means doubling back on myself and then getting on the motorway at one junction further back from Bristol than my normal one.
-We work flexi time - I can go into work any time from 6 til 9 and leave any time as long as I have done my allocated hours. I do tend to do overtime as wll. I really don't want to feel I am making someone hang around waiting for me, equally I don't want to hang around waiting for someone else. I don't know her typical working pattern.

Oh and to be perfectly honest I really want some time on my own - my commute is a time when I either sit in silence thinking throuh the day, or use it to call my family, all of whom live miles away. I don't want to share my time with a stranger.

Am I being selfish? And even if I am not, how do I say no without sounding like a cow?

OP posts:
IMoveTheStarsForNoOne · 18/12/2009 10:37

YANBU - as long as you are using a headset to talk on your phone while you're driving

AliBellandthe40jingles · 18/12/2009 10:41

Getorf that sounds good. Follow it up with a VERY snotty phonecall to your 'friend'!

WingedVictory · 18/12/2009 10:41

Maybe she will be a little relieved. After all, your colleague was insensitive enough to put you in this position; maybe he was a wanker to her as well.

On the other hand, her approach to you was fairly insensitive, so she might not be great, either.

Bathsheba · 18/12/2009 10:45

You are definately Not unreasonable - I'd hate car sharing for exactly thwe same reasons as you - its actually a precious time of peace and quiet for me, and I'd hate to always be thinking "hang on, I can;t leave just now etc"..

I was on the other side for a while when I was a student teacher and needed a lift to a school for a placement for 5 weeks - it was a rural school and there were no buses to the location in time - however it was very stressful for both me and the other student giving me a lift - if there were any hold ups on the road I became very stressed indeeda bout how Iw as going to get there...

Fortunately it was only for 5 weeks and we always had the end in site - it sounds like this woman really needs a lift every day for ever...

leeloo1 · 18/12/2009 11:33

I once agreed to give lifts to a fellow student teacher who lived near me. Agreement was he'd get bus to mine by 7.30am, at 7.45am he texted saying he'd just missed bus. I drove to bus stop and waited for him til just past 8 when he got there. We were both late to school! Luckily school knew he had a rep for being unreliable and got the school secretary to look up bus timetable for him to get there himself!

Soooo much more stress than you need in the morning!

Tangle · 18/12/2009 13:19

YANBU. I think your reply is fine (if you want to give that many details), and would avoid getting drawn in any further. In particular I'd avoid mentioning the additional distance as that opens the door for her to start negotiating ("but I could get to your house...").

Hope it all goes away for you now and you can have a relaxing Christmas

TubbyDuffs · 18/12/2009 13:32

Wouldn't stress it, in fact I would tell so called friend that he can be the one to tell her that she hasn't got a lift and he was being totally presumptious!

I hate it when people volunteer me for stuff, would've been polite to run it by you first before he even mentioned it to her.

So YANBU.

MrsJamin · 18/12/2009 13:40

YANBU, it's a very private space, your car, and is the most uncomfortable place to have awkward conversations. I had to stop sharing with one girl as I was so bored of her constant conversation about herself (I'd just be happy listening to the radio first thing). Also I had to stop sharing with another lady as she was so odd and her breath stank I could hardly breathe. It's a very important relationship to get right!!

Libra · 18/12/2009 13:43

Agree with everyone here. Car-sharing would not work.
You might also mention to her that you often run errands directly from work (for example I tend to go home via the supermarket) and so would not be going directly home anyway.

Olifin · 18/12/2009 14:30

YANBU and I agree that it's best to just say 'it's not possible' rather than going into too much detail so that she can't negotiate about it!

I used to drive a couple of fellow teachers to work during my NQT year. I can't call it a 'lift share' as there wasn't really a sharing element to it; I drove them to work basically and they gave me small amounts of money towards the petrol as and when they remembered/could afford it.

Picture the scene: I collect the two women from a nearby service station at 7.45. They get into the car with hot cups of coffee, croissants and the newspaper. They sit in the back enjoying their breakfast and discussing the day's news. Then they would both have a catnap for the final 20 minutes of the journey. I was pregnant during much of this time.

Towards the end of the school year, one of these women passed her driving test and bought herself a car and started driving the other teacher into work. Did she consider offering me a few lifts in return for the many lifts I had given her? No, she did not, and while it was nice to have my car to myself again and I would have probably declined any such offer, it sure would have been nice to be offered. Harumph.

Gosh that was 5 years ago and it appears I'm still rather narked about it

So, no, don't do car-sharing unless you really want to/have to.

dopeydoot · 18/12/2009 16:07

Definitely cc your email to your friend so there can be no further discussion in their carshare of how they can guilt trip to get you to provide a lift!

upahill · 18/12/2009 17:49

God Olifin that sounds lilke a complete nightmare!!
That was a good piece of advice doopey.... I try to cc as many people into stuff nowadays but I wouldn't have thought of that if I was the OP

WetAugust · 18/12/2009 17:55

Tons of folk at Scabby commute by car from Gloucester each day.

Suggest she places an ad on the intranet ads.

aJumpedUpPantryBoy · 18/12/2009 19:26

YANBU
I car-shared with a friend for several years and I found it incredibly frustrating. She was always late in the morning and then in the evening would want to leave before me. She would hang around in my room waiting for me so I felt pressured into leaving.
I think the fact that we were long term friends made it worse.

I moved house (not because of her - that would have been a bit drastic) and now travel alone and it is lovely.

Plumm · 18/12/2009 22:15

YANBU - did you email her and get a reply?

Quattrocento · 18/12/2009 22:22

YANBU

Don't take ownership of this problem and don't feel guilty

There must be literally thousands of people commuting from Gloucester to Bristol mustn't there?

Chynah · 18/12/2009 22:34

No don't do it! I have always avoided these sort of arrangements as have seen what a pain they can become to the driver! Plus I also work flexi and if I'm having a carp day and feel like sodding off early I would like to be able to do it without having to think of someone else!

AliBellandthe40jingles · 19/12/2009 00:39

Did you e-mail, and did she reply?

[nosy emoticon]

Antdamm · 19/12/2009 01:24

Need to know what the outcome was !

SlobbyBOB · 19/12/2009 03:18

You could have mailed her this link too.

www.carsharegloucestershire.com/Default.asp?uxi=&cr=check

I would also check the small print of your car insuranace, as it could be invalid if you were deemed to be making a profit, which would be anothe get out of jail card.

HohohoBumperlicious · 19/12/2009 09:39

YANBU, I work flexi time too and that alone completely puts me off car sharing. That said I live above two guys from work and have taken to giving them a lift in, but then I usually leave at around the same time every day. If I am late they just make their way to the bus. I email them when I am leaving and if they want to come then they do.

I've decided in the new year to leave at least 20 minutes earlier (just leaving before 8am can shorten my journey time) and have told them so, they are pretty easy going and I wouldn't want to have anything rigid in place. It works for us as I just knock on their door as I pass.

No advice how to deal with this woman, but all the suggestions so far have been good.

clam · 19/12/2009 10:26

YANBU. I would hate to do this, for all the reasons you've listed, plus a few.

What did she say?

lilyjen · 19/12/2009 10:48

YANBU

Imisssleeping · 19/12/2009 16:24

yanbu but YABVVVVU if you don't let us know what the rude trollop said in her reply.

cloelia · 19/12/2009 16:28

I have not read all the seven pages but I do not think you need to go to any rigmarole at all about why not, just say, " i am sorry but I am unable to help you at the moment". Full stop end of story. I completely agree that you are not being at all U in saying no.

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