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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to car share? Long, sorry.

121 replies

GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2009 09:25

Yes, I probably am but I will give it a try anyway.

I commute from Gloucester to Bristol every day, round trip of about 75 miles. A colleague in another department also lives in Gloycester, he gives a woman a lift every day. He is now leaving and, as the woman as no transport, he has mentioned in passing that I live in Gloucester and I might be able to give her a lift. I don't know this woman at all, she works in a different building from me.

Now she has emailed me and said can she start getting a lift from Feb onwards. She has offered £25 a week, which is what she currently gives my friend.

I don't want to do this. I know it seems unfair but please hear me out:

-I live nearer the motorway than she does, if I pick her up from her house (which I am presuming is the arrangement) it means doubling back on myself and then getting on the motorway at one junction further back from Bristol than my normal one.
-We work flexi time - I can go into work any time from 6 til 9 and leave any time as long as I have done my allocated hours. I do tend to do overtime as wll. I really don't want to feel I am making someone hang around waiting for me, equally I don't want to hang around waiting for someone else. I don't know her typical working pattern.

Oh and to be perfectly honest I really want some time on my own - my commute is a time when I either sit in silence thinking throuh the day, or use it to call my family, all of whom live miles away. I don't want to share my time with a stranger.

Am I being selfish? And even if I am not, how do I say no without sounding like a cow?

OP posts:
Original poster
GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2009 09:48

I am not normally shy about being blunt, but somehow I feel a bit beleaguered about this - colleague has laid on the guilt trips. To be honest I am a bit narked at him having told her about me and got her to email me.

You have all corroborated what I thought anyway (I so do not want to give someone a lift whilst resenting it, at the mo I love my commuting time, it's the only time I get to myself) - think Fab is right in saying not to bother to give excuses, just say no I can't do it. Will be easy by email (she says).

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 18/12/2009 09:48

yanbu
as well as everything else in the snow your journies will be a lot longer

StealthPolarBear · 18/12/2009 09:49

if you could bear it at all, make it £30 and tell her she has to get to and from yours
Not against car sharing in principle but as someone else said it's meant to be easier all round

Original poster
GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2009 09:52

Gawd only knows how much the train is tbh, probably more than £25 as you say. She said that she currently pays my clleague £25 a week, opresumably this will be enough.

The email starts 'I have been speaking to X and he says that he is sure I will be able to give you a lift'.

Thanks, pal.

OP posts:
hf128219 · 18/12/2009 09:53

Or the other option is give her a lift home, put your foot down and scare the life out of her

Original poster
GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2009 09:53

Oh god stealth - I have only been working in Bristol for 8 months, dreading the thought of bombing down the M5 in the snow. In last year's snows it took me 2 hours to get from Gloucester to Cheltenham (12 miles!)

OP posts:
Original poster
GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2009 09:54

Lol hf - tbh my normal mode of driving is probably enough to put anyone off.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 18/12/2009 09:55

YABU & selfish & not thinking of the environment!

JaneS · 18/12/2009 09:56

Yeah - that's really pretty pushy. If I were you, I'd check how much the train costs (it's easy enough to do online), just in case she doesn't take no for an answer.

I do a long commute once a week - not the same I know, but I really value the time to think and get my ideas together on my own.

upahill · 18/12/2009 09:57

Getorfmoiland. I am in agreement with you and understand excatly what you mean. I resent giving my lad a lift to school if his bus doesn't turn up and it's 5 mins from my office and a total of 10 min drive!!! Only joking but I do like to be in car by myself and listen to my ipod and run through my days sessions in my head.

DecorHate · 18/12/2009 09:57

That opening remark would be enough to make me want to say no anyway. Not nice of your colleague to drop you in it...

ChippingIn · 18/12/2009 09:59

Just kidding... it was all getting too nice for an AIBU thread

I wouldn't do it either and £25 pw would certainly not be tempting me into it!!

I wouldn't give her any reasons/excuses either... I'd simply say 'Sorry that x has led you to believe I would be able to do this, unfortunately I'm not in a position to do so. Rgds.'

HappyChristmasFromKimi · 18/12/2009 09:59

I think you just need to give the reasons you have listed and say it would not be practical for you to give her a lift.

thelunar66 · 18/12/2009 10:01

Chippinin's reply is the best.. use that.

StayingSantasGirl · 18/12/2009 10:02

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Your colleague should have asked you first before telling the car share lady that you might be able to offer her a lift - that was exceedingly cheeky, imo!!

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 18/12/2009 10:09

Listening to your ipod while driving? With earphones in?

dinoroar · 18/12/2009 10:10

I am usually all for helping people out, but this is too much. YANBU. It was a bit shortsighted of your colleague to offer your driving services and you should definitely refuse. I'd send her a polite email saying that the arrangement would not work for you.

WingedVictory · 18/12/2009 10:16

Yes, bloody unfair of your colleague to volunteer you for this (mentioned in passing, my foot - he must have known what her next step would be). Fair enough, he may have felt guilty, but he could have asked you first!

Flexitime is a hard-won privilege, which you would lose my agreeing to this arrangement. That flexitime is worth both money and time and, sorry, compensation in money is not really appropriate. If this woman tries to guilt-trip you, point out that you have a duty to your family and put the guilt aside, where it belongs.

Do include all the other stuff about the route to work (doubling back, etc.) in your response.

If she's a reasonable person, she'll drop it with you and try to find another way to work.

ReindeerInaSkoda · 18/12/2009 10:20

Getorf I bet that there is an internal carshare notice board on t'intranet where you work. She'll find someone to give her a lift, I'm sure.

I tried to carshare for a while but tbh it was a total PITA. Shorter distance and all that but it almost completely negated the Joy of Flex for me. Also whenever I was a teensy bit late the guy would call up in a panic - he left some really quite rude messages. And he'd text me at midnight asking what time he could get a lift in the morning! What was worse in a way is that I deliberately didn't ask for petrol money (not that he offered) because I didn't want to be beholden to him, and told him as much, but he still held me responsible for all his commuting needs.

He was an arse. I told him I could no longer give lifts on account of childcare and whatnot. If he'd been a friend and not an arse it would have been fine, and I'd have done my bit happliy. The tone of this woman's emails to you suggests to me that she may be similarly troublesome.

YANBU.

Original poster
GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2009 10:28

Christ Reindeer he sounds like a complete prick. What did he say when you told him you would no longer give him a lift?

He is the email I am going to send her:

I am sorry that X gave you the impression that I would be able to give you a lift from Gloucester, however my start and finish hours are so erratic it would not work out practically. I am sure there must be others who will be willing to car share, I suggest to speak to the Communications dept about putting a notice on the intranet.

Best regarsd etc.

Will that do do you think?

OP posts:
Casserole · 18/12/2009 10:30

YANBU!

I'd hate this too, for all the reasons you've outlined.

Email back the nicest no you can put together but don't feel guilty - your colleague shouldn't have led her to believe you would do it, but also she must have known when she took a job so far away from home (or moved further away from work, or sold her car, or whatever happened) that this would be a very real possibility.

BistoBear · 18/12/2009 10:31

YANBU - I gave a lady a lift to college for 4 weeks and hated it! I enjoy the morning drive, listening to the radio, gathering my thoughts and not talking! I can't tell you how happy I was when she dropped out...

Don't do it!

thelunar66 · 18/12/2009 10:32

Yes, Getorf.. perfect email. Send it now.

ReindeerInaSkoda · 18/12/2009 10:34

That's fine, GetOrf. I bet there's an internal carshare notice board though, so she might not even have to go through Comms.

I don't remember what Mr Arse said when I told him I couldn't give him lifts anymore. By that time I had such an intense dislike of him that I switched off whenever he started mumbling away.

GroundHoHoHogs · 18/12/2009 10:35

I don't think you ought to feel you need to go into too much detail tbh.

Just say, "sorry, I'd prefer not to carshare, sorry your colleague gave you that impression."

End of....