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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and if not how do I get over it?

83 replies

RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 08:26

We have a ten week old little boy and I am EBFing. My husband mentioned this morning that him and his team (he works in the city) are hoping to get a chance to have some time off this afternoon cos his boss is away. They are planning to go to lunch and not come back - they are also going to go bowling.

Am I being unreasonable to expect that if he has the chance to get some free time he would jump at the chance to come home and pend some time with me and DS and then do bathtime which he is never able to get home for as it is at 6pm.

I feel really quite upset and outraged at this as his response is a) I shouldn't make hime feel guilty and I should trust that he is able to make responsible decisions regarding the amount of time he spends with DS. and b) actually that is pretty much it...

I now cannot really concentrate on looking after DS as I feel really upset and angry. I don't want to feel like this - I just want to get on with our day. AIBU?

OP posts:
noddyholder · 18/12/2009 08:28

Its only one afternoon and its xmas I think its ok.If he is generally a good dp and dad I think its ok to have a bit of adult time!

piscesmoon · 18/12/2009 08:30

I think that YABU -he must have time off over Christmas to do bathtime etc. (I can see why you feel like it).

merrycompo · 18/12/2009 08:31

sorry but I think yabu
i'm not surprised he doesn't want to miss out on a xmas do at work
also if it's anythign like my workplace if he said he didn't want to go his boss would probably make him stay at the office
presumably he'll have time off next week to spend with you, and all this weekend?

rubyslippedonastraymincepie · 18/12/2009 08:31

i agree with Noddy TBH

why are you outraged?

is there more to it?

Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 08:31

i suppose so - i just wat him to come home if he can - he sometimes worries that he doesn't spend enough time with DS so I don't get it when he doesn't leg it home...

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Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 08:32

its not his christmas do - he's had that

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FlamingoCrimbo · 18/12/2009 08:32

Oh Ruby

yab a little unreasonable, but i know i would feel exactly the same. you will calm down and feel differently and less upset later on. have a good cry and stamp your feet and then get yourself and ds dressed and go out somewhere with him.

sowhatis · 18/12/2009 08:34

my boys are 5 and 6 and my dh is away most of the week and even when home it isnt until 8pm (also works in city) and im afraid to say you just got to 'suck it up' TBH. its not worth the row. my dh couldnt book an afternoon off to watch the boys school play, but has the afternoon off today to do xmas lunch with his mates and then go drinking. its once a year. i made my point last night(in a jokey fashion - but still - he knows!!!) and i hope he has fun today.

enjoy your day, dont let it get you down xxxx

FlamingoCrimbo · 18/12/2009 08:34

it's about being desperate to have your dh around, hearing that he's got time off and thinking 'yay! we'll be able to spend the afternoon together - how lovely so close to christmas' and then realising that you're not going to get that afterall.

yabu to feel outraged, but yanbu to be really upset and to need to just wait a while until you're not quite so upset about it.

Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 08:35

maybe i am BU just have to deal wth it... it's not the first time - it's not all the time by any means... and he really wants to spend time... I just can't help reacting like this when he gets to spend an afternoon chilling out with hi work mates... ,maybe ai am just jealous?

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Jojay · 18/12/2009 08:35

I think if he regularly did this kind of thing then YANBU, but if it's a one off xmas jolly, then I'd let him get on with it.

I know how hard it is to be stuck at home with a baby and the 10 week stage is the absolute pits, but OTOH Xmas is once a year nad he's entitled to a bit of time off. As you say he'd normally be at work at this time anyway so you wouldn't normally have him home.

i think we (myself included) put a lot of pressure on our men to race home from work to give us a break - quite understandable , but they're entitled to the odd break too.

To get over it, ask him to give you a break over the weekend, take Ds off for a walk in the buggy or something. i know he can't do too much as you're EBF-ing. but you should be able to scrape an hour or two.

Have you thought about expressing so he can give have the odd bottle so you can have a proper break sometimes??

You have my sympathies though. I do understand just how you feel

MamaLazarou · 18/12/2009 08:36

YANBU to feel this way. But your DH is not BU to want an afternoon of fun. I'm not sure what to say to make you feel better, but I do sympathise.

It sounds like the conversation went badly, and DH felt like you were accusing him. You'll both feel better when you've made it up.

Could you suggest he takes an afternoon off one day soon just to come home and spend time with you and the baby, if that's what you need?

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 18/12/2009 08:36

Can you not compromise so he goes to the lunch and bunks off the afternoon with work colleagues but is still home in time for bath?
Whilst now I have a 17month old I think you are being a little bit unreasonable, thinking back to the time when I had a 10 week old and the whole day was so boring and frustrating and monotonous the fact that DH might have got a whole afternoon off just being himself and having fun whilst I was stuck at home by myself breast-feeding would have driven me mad as well.

rubyslippedonastraymincepie · 18/12/2009 08:37

jealousy - i can relate to that emotion

with DC1 i was seething at times that DH could carry on as usual whilst i was at home with a bad tempered baby

can you get some time to do stuff you want as well?

HowTheGibbonStoleChristmas · 18/12/2009 08:37

YABU but I can understand feeling as you do. Try not to dwell on it, will only make for a stressed day. Don't see it as a rejection of time to spend with DS, it's a team event at work. Think of time over Christmas you'll all have together

Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 08:37

sorry - trying to BF - typos galore... /flamingo Crimbo I think you're right. It upsets me even more that I am upset around DS

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EvieB · 18/12/2009 08:38

If you are anything like me, this is 10 weeks of cumumlative sleep deprivation talking.

As you are expressing, how about you arrange with DH that you will go out (by yourself, with a friend, whatever) for however long you feel comfortable, and he will look after your DS? Presumably he will be off work a bit more over Christmas? That may make you feel like the balance of 'freedom' has been redressed a bit.

Even if you just end up in the local cafe in town with a book, go for it!

FlamingoCrimbo · 18/12/2009 08:39

actually, do you know, i'm starting to think yanbu at all. it's all these posts from people saying 'well it is christmas' and 'he's entitled to a fun afternoon off with his friends'.

when does the op get a fun afternoon off with her friends? when will she get to go bowling without the baby?

never, i imagine.

i think i'd be more disappointed that my dh didn't have the same wishes as i did - as it is, we do. if he has time off work, he wants to spend it with us. i would be very disappointed if he didn't, and very jealous that he's the one with the choice, not me.

merrycompo · 18/12/2009 08:39

look at it this way - he will owe you!!

It used to drive me crackers that dh always felt the time for 'me time' when I rarely got any with a toddler and a breast fed baby
but I soon realised that by trying not to kick off about it if I was all smiles and 'have a lovely time dear' then I could say the next day 'darling I'm so glad you had lots of fun yesterday, would you mind rocking baby for an hour now while I go in the bath?'
of course other times I ranted and raved at him but it never got my anywhere

Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 08:40

thanks everybody - you are all right... x posting... i am going out today with DS - I suppose I do just want him to rush home to give me a break and spend time/bond with DS - early years so important and all that...

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merrycompo · 18/12/2009 08:40

flamingo - as soon as mine were no longer breast fed, or starting sleeping at 7pm I had an evening out a fortnight
yes, dh had an evening out a week but tbh I didn't feel up to that
once a fortnight was fine by me

PrincessToadstool · 18/12/2009 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 08:45

merrycompo thats exactly it!

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Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 08:48

actually flamingcrimbo thats it! everything i do is with DS - I am not expressing evie - i meant exclusively BFing...

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Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 08:51

PrincessToadstool - thats what I found DP very attentive after last time this happened... I love BFing but I can't wait to be able to go 'bowling with the boys' for the afternoon... I should express a bottle - I just didn't want to affect supply or anything...

thanks for all posts - much appreciated

DS on my lap and getting bored of MN haha might have to go...

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