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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and if not how do I get over it?

83 replies

RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 08:26

We have a ten week old little boy and I am EBFing. My husband mentioned this morning that him and his team (he works in the city) are hoping to get a chance to have some time off this afternoon cos his boss is away. They are planning to go to lunch and not come back - they are also going to go bowling.

Am I being unreasonable to expect that if he has the chance to get some free time he would jump at the chance to come home and pend some time with me and DS and then do bathtime which he is never able to get home for as it is at 6pm.

I feel really quite upset and outraged at this as his response is a) I shouldn't make hime feel guilty and I should trust that he is able to make responsible decisions regarding the amount of time he spends with DS. and b) actually that is pretty much it...

I now cannot really concentrate on looking after DS as I feel really upset and angry. I don't want to feel like this - I just want to get on with our day. AIBU?

OP posts:
FlamingoCrimbo · 18/12/2009 08:56

Ruby - enjoy your time with your DS. It's your DH's loss - it's a shame, but there you go. Go into town with your baby, enjoy the fact that he's small enough to go and have a lovely coffee and a cake somewhere nice.

Pretend you didn't know he had the afternoon off and it's just a normal day at work.

He doesn't 'owe' you - happy marriages aren't based on a system like that. When he comes home, don't lay into him, but I do think that marriages are happier when both people are honest with eachother so do talk to him.

Tell him that you know your feelings are heightened by new-mumness, and closeness to Christmas, but that you felt really disappointed that he didn't use his free afternoon to spend time with you both.

Say you wanted to tell him how you felt about it because you didn't want to bottle it up, but that you are pleased (not in a snotty way) that he had a nice time and would he consider spending the next unexpected time off with you and your baby. Remind him that your baby will be little for such a short period of time, and that in a few Christmasses time, he'll be at school or with his friends and not want to be with either of you so much.

And don't say that he's pissed you off, but that you've found yourself feeling pissed off and you're trying to work out why and trying to resolve it so you don't feel like that every time it happens. Your feelings are your responsibility, not his, but as someone who's promised to love you forever, ideally he ought to want to help you not have negative feelings like that.

That's what I would do, anyway. Sorry it's so long!

Bigbadmummy · 18/12/2009 08:56

I would say as it is a case of him wanting to be a part of the team he works with.

I dont think he is being unreasonable, if this is the first time he has been out since the baby was born.

Wouldn't you jump at the chance if you could? He is still an adult who is should be able to socialise with his mates and colleagues.

And you are not upset and angry, it is just hormones!

I say, let him go and do it.

But if you are really upset about it, talk to him and ask if he could do the lunch but still be home for bath time?

PrincessToadstool · 18/12/2009 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ABetaDad · 18/12/2009 08:58

If you are going to spend time together over Xmas (I assume he is taking some time off) then one afternon is neither here nor there.

On a slightly sideways note, if you can express breast milk and let DH hold the baby and feed it and get properly involved you should take the chance and make a plan to go out yourself, get your hair done, see some friends, just get out of the house. You will feel better and DH will have time to get to know the baby on his own in the days he has off over Xmas and especially weekends.

PrincessToadstool · 18/12/2009 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 18/12/2009 09:02

Work socialising is indeed work, and I bet his boss would be quite to know the team had been bonding and a little if he saw that DH 'skived off' (as that is how he would see it) to go home. In these times, having work you enjoy with colleagues you like, is a bonus, so be pleased for him as this is a sign his team like him and he is probably better at his job and more highly valued as a result.

Congratulations on your DS! Enjoy his first Christmas!

thesecondcoming · 18/12/2009 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlamingoCrimbo · 18/12/2009 09:07

His loss to not be with his DS, is what I meant.

And different matter entirely if he ought to be there for work purposes.

Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 09:11

Bigbamummy - it is not the first time he has been out since DS was born... He's not an absent father def not, but its not the first time.

I suppose I feel a little sad for DS sometimes as I know how he LOVES spending time with DH. And he is changing all the time and learning to laugh and make loads of noises. DH often says how he feels bad about working long hours and missing all this so I am surprised when he doesn't race home I guess at any chance he gets. I suppose that is what I see as his loss - his relationship with DS. I just saw it as entirely selfish, but I suppose bonding with workmates is important too, especially credit crunch and all that...

Thanks WorkingItOut!

And Flamingo will try to be as reasonable as that when I see him later

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 09:14

and you're right - must go be with DS rather than be on MN

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Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 09:15

'ought to be there for work purposes' no - the idea is to skyve and go bowling cos boss won't know!

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figrollinthehay · 18/12/2009 09:24

Ruby - YANBU to feel like this - I can remember how I felt after 10 weeks of sleep deprivation each time and how excited I'd get at the prospect of an extra bit of help/sleep time. But, I guess your DH probably does need some time with his work mates, esp as you say, in these recessionary times.

If you are expressing, then can you get him to give you an afternoon off some time soon? Expressing seems an awful lot harder than either breastfeeding or bottle feeding, so I am not surprised you were looking forward to some help.

2kidzandi · 18/12/2009 09:36

YANBU bet you haven't had much opportunity to swan off and have a girlie lunch followed by bowling and a couple of drinks. I think it would be perfectly reasonable for him to go if your DS was older, say 9 months or a year. You need some emotional support and you're both new parents, he should be concentrating on the bonding. Doesn't sound as exciting as going out though does it? I would be very annoyed and upset and I don't think you're asking for too much. Being a couple is about recognising when one of you needs a little together and nurturing time.

Perhaps he'll realise that later.

Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 09:59

That is EXACTLY what I thought 2kidzandi. This early on particularly, my entire life is about DS, and I don't mind it being that way. I WANT to bond with him and get to know him. I guess I just want DH to want that too. If it was his works drinks then fine, but its not, its a random afternoon when the boss is away so the team is going to take the opp. to skyve, and drink and go bowling. Why wouldn't he take the opportunity to skyve, and come home and spend time with his 10week old DS? For me, DS comes first all the time, and so he should. I just don't get why its not the same for DH. I don't want to be unreasonable and DH is brilliant with DS - even more reason to want DS to have more time with him, no?

And then, how can he complain that he doesn't get to spend time with DS cos he works and has an hour commute each way. It doesn't make sense. Yes, its an arse missing time with mates etc, but priorities priorities... This is along the lines of what I said to him this morning, and he didn't like it very much. He was saying it was easier to go bowling and get back to the office if he needed to be there - sorry, but yeah right - its friday aftenoon ffs, he's not going to have to go back to the office after going out frinking and bowling for the afternoon... He then said I was making him feel guilty so I said, well if you feel guilty

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 10:00

Like someone said earlier, maybe the conversation just didn't go very well

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midori1999 · 18/12/2009 10:01

Honestly! I can't believe how many husband's expect to have a baby and then carry on as though the baby doesn't exist!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. He gets to go to work, get out of the house, have varied things going on each day. You are stuck at home with baby, breastfeeding and obviously need a break. It is selfish in the extreme for him not to realise it.

HappyChristmasFromKimi · 18/12/2009 10:03

Let the man have his afternoon out, I guess he works hard and is entitled to some ME time.

Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 10:06

Midori - my friend said the same thing last time this happened - she feels her life has changed profoundly, and his hasn't at all, and he seems entirely oblivious ...

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Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 10:07

HappyChristmasFromKimi - he does work hard, its true... and in a job he is not particularly fond of, pay the mortgage etc etc - that's why I can't decide if IABU or not?!

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rubyslippedonastraymincepie · 18/12/2009 10:10

what there needs to be, IMVHO, is equality

both of you are working and your job is at the moment 24/7

you both need to have a break/down time

this resentment is no good - have been there and done that

DD (second child) is 10 weeks old and EBF, but last weekend i had a pedi and some time on my own and it was bliss. DH took her and DS (plus some expressed milk) and everyone had a brill time

Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 10:11

I think it might be time for some expressed milk

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PrincessToadstool · 18/12/2009 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RubyBuckleberry · 18/12/2009 10:19

PrincessToadstool he HAS been out on a weekend daytime, he went surfing one Saturday and didn't come back till the afternoon (that was not a popular move), and then one Saturday he went to the football - he has a season ticket - it would be a waste to not go and it was a MAJOR match , and he was out until 2:30am at a party one Saturday night and then was very hungover the next day. To be fair, he knew he needed to make up for it so did do nappies etc all day even though he was hungover, and yes when he is around he is very involved... and I take your point, it is not a sackable offence - I was just very upset this morning and he was insisting IWBU so I thought I'd see what lots of MNers thought

I guess I am a bit like - all I get is a 2/3/4 hour window so am a touch jealous... He thinks I get to do what I want all day - have coffee, go to postnatal groups etc even though I have to take DS with me everywhere...

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GypsyMoth · 18/12/2009 10:21

bathtime at 6pm can be changed/adjusted...

sounds to me like you are full of resentment and whatever he does here will be wrong!!

in the scheme of things this isn't huge.....

morningpaper · 18/12/2009 10:22

it's a hard time for you Ruby but sounds as though it is really an "afternoon off" anyway - it's more a staff bonding session. If it was an official afternoon off that's one thing, but if DH's boss discovered that they'd had an afternoon socialing he probably wouldn't mind - but if he discovered that your DH buggered off home instead he might object.

YANBU to be a mad, cabin-fevered bitter woman though, that's quite normal at 10 weeks