and if not how do I get over it?

[RubyBuckleberry]

We have a ten week old little boy and I am EBFing. My husband mentioned this morning that him and his team (he works in the city) are hoping to get a chance to have some time off this afternoon cos his boss is away. They are planning to go to lunch and not come back - they are also going to go bowling.

Am I being unreasonable to expect that if he has the chance to get some free time he would jump at the chance to come home and pend some time with me and DS and then do bathtime which he is never able to get home for as it is at 6pm.

I feel really quite upset and outraged at this as his response is a) I shouldn't make hime feel guilty and I should trust that he is able to make responsible decisions regarding the amount of time he spends with DS. and b) actually that is pretty much it...

I now cannot really concentrate on looking after DS as I feel really upset and angry. I don't want to feel like this - I just want to get on with our day. AIBU?

fair point morning paper...

a bitter and twisted ruby

The fact is, when you have a baby, your lives change and you have different priorities, forced or otherwise.

If the OP wanted to sod off to a football match all afternoon, or go to a party all night, or out for an afternoon of drinking or bowling with her friends, she would not be able to, as she is breast feeding. Now, maybe that's her choice, and/or maybe that is because she is facing up to her responsibilities and wants what is best for her baby.

Surely, if you're a Dad with a new baby at home, your first priority should be to get home and see that baby at every given opportunity, not to get time off work and organise social events. (this not being the first time, and baby is only ten weeks old).

Ruby This is the bit where reality hits home, I'm afraid. I know EXACTLY how you feel. DS's Dad used to do this - but much, much more.

You're still very hormonal, you're tired, you're in shock from it all and it just seems like he's got off scot free.

The reality is that it will be better if he's socialising with his team and not skiving off home. A small consolation is that you're at home and don't have to go out in the freezing cold if you don't want to....

Hi Ruby, I am afraid I think YABU but I do sympathise. Having a new baby is such hard work and you don't get to go off for a Christmas do yourself - but that does not mean your DH shouldn't. It sounds like its just an afternoon/early evening thing where he would normally be at work anyway so its not too bad (hes not out all night).

Its awful going to stuff like that and feeling guilty about it so why not tell him to enjoy himself and say you would not mind a bit of time to yourself over the weekend?

yabu but understandably so.

I remember being very jealous of DH as his life just hadn't changed in the same way - I was so envious of his commute - an hour on a train with a paper and a coffee seemed like bliss to me.

Also my DH is utterly crap with babies - I'm on number 3 now and he's no better. But he is fab when they get to about 1 - just no real interest in them when they're tiny. God - that sounds awful but its true.

I'm currently bf dc3 and when I stop in 7 months time I will be back to socialising more and leaving DH with the children.

My DH has works party this afternoon and I and 3 children will be trudging out later in freezing cold to collect him - what fun!

I think YABU as well. But understandably so. You are tied to the baby in a way that your DH simply is not. You have also had a huge physical 'event' happen to your body and you are coping with that and with huge changes in hormones. Your husband also, even if subconsciously, has got used to you being the main parent, the one with responsibility, really. That's understandable too because you are basically needing to be with your DS all the time.

So I think it's a natural sequence of events really that leads to you feeling resentful and not being able to understand his apparent ability not to prioritise the baby.

But you are just in different places. Because of the pregnancy, labour, bf, hormones, your choice to be with him, your whole body and soul is about being with him 24 hours a day. To your husband, the baby is part of his life not the whole of it. Every day partly work and partly husband and partly father. He simply is physically and emotionally not the same as you at the moment and I don't think you should punish him for that. If he was out every night, yes that's different but that doesn't sound the situation here.

For the moment my advice would be keep talking to him and communicating with him and let him look after YOU as much as focussing on your baby at the mo. My HV told DH that when babies are tiny and need mum all the time for feeding etc, the best thing a dad can do is love the mum. I think that's true. So make sure he gives you mini-breaks when you can get an hour or so, make sure he is telling you what a fab mum you are and how proud he is etc....and then perhaps any resentment of the odd night out will go?

I thin k it depends if he'll be back at his normal time tonight, or is this fun afternoon likely to carry on into the night and onwards..

If he'll be home at the same time as usual then YAB-abit-U as he's not actually missing out on anything.....if its going to become a smashed night and a written off weekend than YANBU

YABU, let him blow off some steam with his workmates, he will be better for it.

I am sure you are pissed off as you can't do this at the moment, sod off when you feel like it and let your hair down. But you have chosen to have a baby and breastfeed and you have to get on with it, drop the resentment and be happy you have a healthy baby that feeds well. Tis one of the many things that motherhood brings. You will have plenty of time to go out and have fun once this hard slogg of newborn baby is over.

My friend took me out for a champagne cocktail the first time I went out after DS1 was born, to a lovley bar, with canepes, I felt so bloody pleased with myself that I'd had a baby and breastfed it, to get dressed up and celebrate with a good friend was so liberating and wonderfull!

PLEASE don't be cross or resentfull, it's Christmas, life is too short.

Am I odd is having discussed what having a baby would mean with my hubby before he was born.

He agreed to limiting his drinking while I was pregnant in support of me not being able to drink, and certainly in this situation he would've only stayed for the minimum of time and would not have rolled in drunk.

YANBU, I would expect him to enjoy the afternoon off work with his work pals but make it home in time for baby's bath and sober enough to do the bath!

"Honestly! I can't believe how many husband's expect to have a baby and then carry on as though the baby doesn't exist!"

The other side of the coin though is that for most men it is their DW decides she is going to breast feed, decides she is not going back to work and in most cases most blokes go along with that.

For the woman then to sit there wingeing that she has no life and therefore neither should DH/DP is pretty rich. There are alternatives, FF, then wean the baby, get a nanny/childcare and then go back to work (if it makes financial sense).

wow. well ABetaDad that kind of explains the divide!

For many many mums, it's not a 'decision' to BF or not work (in that you could just as easily decide, oooh I know! I fancy a night out so I'll formula feed and work!! Hurrah!) It is a wholehearted, heartfelt stab at meeting the baby's needs. It's also a visceral response for many women.

I think your post is very indicative of the sort of man who does make this period harder for a woman

and, you know, for some men there is also that committment to the baby being cared for and breastfed by it's mother, PLUS an understanding that though that is a 'choice' it is not always easy by any means and the woman may feel all sorts of emotions including resentment.

I agree with cirrhosis -YABU. I think women feel differently towards their newborns because they have carried them for 9 months, given birth and most have a natural instinct to protect and mother them. Men (generally) do not feel like this in the same way. Their lives continue as normal to a much greater extent- work, adult conversation, etc. I think it can be difficult for them to appreciate the mother's very intense feelings at this time.

abetadad- a lot of women may choose to breast feed, take maternity leave that they are entitled to or possibly stop work altogether. I think most would make these decisions after discussion with their partner. A lot of mothers make these decisions because they are aware that breast feeding is best for the baby and that bonding during the first year is very important. It is not as easy as saying get a nanny and ff if you don't like it. That's a clear example of how (some) men feel differently to women as regards newborn babies!

Just to say I've been thinking of this over lunchtime and just had a re-read - I agree with Morning Paper's point above..

Its not ACTAULLY an afternoon off - its an afternoon skiving....and if the boss does find out about it it will be far far easier to justify to him that "look it was quiet, we decided to do some staff bonding, we went bowling, we were back in the office to shut up shop at 5" that it would be to justify "yep, you weren't here so we all went home"...

CirrhosisByTheSea/loobylu3 - precisely my point.

If a woman makes the decision to BF and give up work because she believes it to be the right decision then its a bit rich to start wingeing afterwards.

She can always change her mind again!

Just because it's the right decision doesn't mean it'll be easy or that the woman won't have some intense feelings about it though

Your life philosophy reminds me of Homer Simpson giving advice to his son "now Bart - if somethings hard to do - don't do it"

A 10 week old baby! You're probably overreacting a little because you're so knackered from looking after baby, lack of sleep, BFing, etc. My DS2 is just 6 months and DH and I have just gone through a pretty difficult stage. I think when you're so tired and have all these new pressures to deal with, you take a lot out on each other and definitely overreact to situations that wouldn't usually bother you.

YABabitU, but I can understand it.

Lots of these threads about ATM.

Nothing wrong with going bowling with work for the afternoon and nothing wrong with you bunking off for something you enjoy one afternoon on the weekend.

Make bath-time later, with little babies it doesn't really matter does it?

OP - I remember how it felt at 10 weeks, so you have my sympathies. It is wonderful, yet exhausting with a little bub. But here is my tuppence worth.

• You mention so many times that you have to take DS with you everywhere. You cannot do anything without him. You are breastfeeding, so of course that is true to some extent. But on the weekends when you say your DH is hands on...can you not pop out for a coffee and read a paper? DH often came with me into town, looked after DS while I had a lovely brunch with girlfriends and bought DS to me when he needed a feed. It is entirely possible to get some 'you' time even while bfeeding.
• Express, express, express! By 6 weeks I was expressing daily and DH gave the 10pm feed by bottle. He got his time with DS, I got sleep!

- You talk about early days bonding; your DS knows who your DH is. And TBH, when babies are this little and exclusively bfed, a lot of men feel like a spare part. The babies feel very much the mothers domain. Express and let your DH have some of his time. - There are plenty of years for the balance to shift. My DS who is 2.3 now goes every saturday afternoon with DH to rugbytots and sunday to swimming. They love their time on weekends. You will have many years of you time ahead of you, trust me!

TBH - I think you are also having trouble adjusting to the fact that you are at home with the baby, your life has been turned upside down. Whilst your DH still gets to put his suit on and go to work, eat in peace, have a life outside of your DS and you. But you have to deal with it and get over it TBH. This phase will pass and your DS will be less reliant on you. Until then, make sure you get some 'you' time. Getting that is down to you!

Not really related but sort of, my dh is out this afternoon and evening at his Christmas party. I've managed to get really annoyed and have been unreasonable to say the least and am now feeling guilty.

Think you have to let them have time off! Everyone needs time out with friend / colleagues. !

princesstoadstool haha yes i am bitter!!! he left at 5am, said he would be back at 10am and didn't come back till 3pm... and yes i was jealous, i want to run off into the sunrise and go surfing! not a massive problem but it all adds up doesn't it?

so basically yes AB a bit U, yes I should get expressing, and yes I am feeling a bit like I have cabin fever .

actually i think yanbu. your little DS is only 10 weeks old, he should still be rushing home to see you and give you a hand every chance he gets. I would go down the 'i'm hurt you didn't want to spend the time with us' [pout] rather than 'you shouldn't be off having fun when I'm run half ragged' [grr] line of argument if you would like him to make it up to you.

Ruby - I posted earlier saying I could understand where you are coming from, but also wanted to add the following. My youngest of three starts school in September and I am very sad at the end of this lovely era. I wish I hadn't sweated the small stuff so much and had tried to wallow more in those milky early days, even though I was so damn tired at the time I could hardly think straight. My time to do what your husband is doing today has come, but I'd happily turn back the clock a bit.