Can you really be in a committed relationship yet still sleep with other people?

[notanumber]

I am a regular and I haven't namechanged, so it would me nice if we could sidestep any troll accusations.

I've been pondering this since reading the interview with George Michael in last weekend's Guardian.

Michael seems like a slightly troubled but very likeable man. He has been with his boyfriend Kenny Goss for a very long time and as such they are one of Celebrity Royalty's fêted couples.

However, Michael -in this interview and previously - has made clear that he routinely has sex with other people (clearly this is with Goss' consent or at least knowledge).

Now if they're happy, that's fine, I don't have a problem with someone having multiple sexual partners if that's their thing. I just find it very hard to buy that a couple can have this kind of understanding and for their relationship to be really truly committed.

It is hard work being committed to someone, and being sexually faithful is a big part of what makes it hard. The pay-off though (in my opinion), is a truly deep, fulfilling committed relationship. Basically, can someone be 'the one' if you routinely shag other people?

Of course, it's none of my bloody business what George Michael (or anyone else for that matter) does with his willy for fun. I'm not judging casual sex.

I would also like to stress that this is nothing to do with homosexuality for me - I'd feel similarly about a heterosexual couple who portray themselves as deeply committed yet regularly sleep with other people. I would be asking the question, well are you really that bloody committed then?

It really really isn't me being icky about anal sex. I don't get why someone would want a fist up their fanjo either, but this would in no way make me question their commitment to their relationship if it was something they only ever did with their partner.

So what do you think?

Sex is no different than eating or drinking?
God how depressing. Not nearly good enough for me I'm afraid.

If you think I'm saying any of this because of a religious view, you couldn't be further off the mark, I'm not remotely religious.

I'm perfectly capable of understanding that some people can live in non-monogamous relationships , but no way on this earth are those type of set ups as strong and secure as lifelong, faithful (and happy) marriage/partnership - they are merely "convenient" for the participants. If people want to settle for convenient that's fine but to say it's any deeper than that is laughable.

I find it very strange indeed that the posters who say they have wonderful marriages with lots of great sex, complete fidelity and fancy their DH's like mad feel the need to go on and on and on about it - some of them spend so much time on here going on about it on every open thread that I begin to wonder if they have any life outside Mumsnet at all! It does smack of some sort of insecurity to me ( or maybe none of it is true) there is the old adage about those who snog in public not getting any real sex at home.

On the odd occasion when a poster happens to mention they are well off financially, or heaven forbid they have £400 to spend on a handbag they get slated like mad - but the monogamy brigade crash in on the support threads for people who are struggling and even mention the marvelous sexual position;s they love to adopt with their partners ad nauseum - what is it with them?

It's basic insecurity - they have bought into this idea that monogamy is an achievement not just a preference and they expect to be praised for doing it. That;s what really drives obsessive monogamists batshit, the idea that actually what they do with their partners is no big deal to other people. We don't care that you're ever so monogamous. Any more than we care whether or not you prefer tea to coffee.

Just read all of this thread expecting a Mal v SGB slugfest and havent been disappointed

Have to say i'm with SGB on this one. And as long as both partners are ok with the situation, then its up to them to go for it.

That is all

I have always believed in this.

Believe in what you want to believe, practice what you want to practice. Do both of these without doing any harm to anyone else and everything is good.

My sexual practices. (or for that matter anyone else's) are as valid as the next persons. and as long as whatever your relationship choice is does no harm to your significant other or MORE significant other, then who on earth has the right to berate you for it?

yes completely agree about the monogamy-as-achievement fetish. If it's all so bloody wonderful, sexy and ecstatic just go and get on with it ffs and leave the rest of us poor lonely suckers who do not understand Real Love alone!!

tbh some of LQ and Malificence's posts remind me a bit of Tory wives who smirk about how 'full' their lives are with their beloved husbands.... yelling that you're in the 'perfect' relationship that the rest of the world must aspire to just smacks of egotism to me, sorry.

Agreed Agingoth... it kinda makes me want to aspire to rebel even more against them just so i can watch them get all indignant at us and giggle at their narrow mindedness.

For me personally, I like that sex is something that my DH and I do only with each other. So I wouldn't be ok with it, no.

But live and let live for others, ya know?

'And to willingly and proudly want to be owned by them, because you love them so much that to be their's feels like an honour - and to know they feel exactly the same about you?

Because I think very few people would pity me for not having any experience of the former. But, I think many people would pity you for having no experience of the latter...'

Good god, how patronising.

I'm actually starting to pity you, LQ, for your absolute blinkeredness and inability to percieve or respect any values but your own.

Before you get too pitying, yes I've been in love and no it didn't last for life. I frankly doubt I'm alone in that and your pity is neither necessary nor desired.

And no, I wouldn't want to be owned by anyone, thank you very much. My ideal partner would share my values and enjoy my company as much as I would value his/hers. If they chose to occasionally sleep with other people that would be fine. If they loved those people as much as they loved me, there might be a problem. Or there might not. Who knows.

Apparently... 75% of people have extra marital affairs... so there must be quite a few smug monogamists whose other halves errr... aren't

absolutely middleaged, I know a few of them...

when you get divorced all the married men start coming out of the ether because they reckon you're a safe shag now, I've been propositioned this year by men whose wives probably think they worship them and would never, ever do such a thing (and yes I told them all to f* off, before anyone starts up).

I'm wondering now if LQ has any single, separated or divorced friends and if she's as outrageously smug and patronising to them as she's been on this thread to people she doesn't know the first thing about.

'Humans are NOT monogamous. naturally.'

I am. Sorry. Have only ever had one sexual partner. I have had plenty plenty opportunities to get it on with someone else, but I have not had sex for over 4 years through choice, simply because I cannot fathom having sex with someone with whom I do not feel the very greatest love for. I cannot separate the two.

And yes I do want to belong to someone I deem special. Some things are worth waiting for.

I believe the original question was

"Do you believe it is possible to be in a committed relationship yet still sleep with other people by mutual concent."

Yes i do believe you can and that it can work Just as well as even the best monogamous relationship assuming that it is the right people with the right mindset and security in each other.

What i have FAILED to see is any of these Uber-monogamists actually answer that question. Instead they spout on about how superior their relationship is and heavily imply that you are defective if you don't fall into their school of thought.

it doesn't make me feel better, LeQueen. But clearly you are a person who gets off on magnanimously pitying others who you deem not to be enjoying the marital pleasures you undoubtedly do. Well get on with it then and stop judging others. Night.

'What i have FAILED to see is any of these Uber-monogamists actually answer that question. Instead they spout on about how superior their relationship is and heavily imply that you are defective if you don't fall into their school of thought.'

yep you got that one Stigulus- and add to that the assumption that anyone who objects to being called 'defective' is 'bitter'....

It's very like the girls in primary school who used to team up with another and say 'we're best friends now and YOU can't play', imo. Not the monogamy itself- the desperate bragging about it. No, fucking one other person a lot for the whole of your life doesn't make you a better person, but if you enjoy it hey good for you.

oh and 2 kids. I do not mean to sound patronising here in the slightest but I find the easiest and most direct way of making a point is to express it in it's simplest terms.

Natural behaviour can be repressed with the right mindset / willpower etc. You only have to look at dogs and horses to see that. My point was simply that as a species we aren't programmed that way naturaly.

OMG why on earth would you want someone to own you?

it floats some people's boats. I hav had friends from the BDSM community who like nothing better than to be owned. Not for me personally but everyone has their own thing.

Thats a diff kettle of fish altogether tho .

I dont think that LeQueen is talking about being some sort of dominatrix, but rather that she loves her bloke so much that she loves the fact the he owns her and she owns him.

Correct me if i'm wrong tho LeQueen