Can you really be in a committed relationship yet still sleep with other people?

[notanumber]

I am a regular and I haven't namechanged, so it would me nice if we could sidestep any troll accusations.

I've been pondering this since reading the interview with George Michael in last weekend's Guardian.

Michael seems like a slightly troubled but very likeable man. He has been with his boyfriend Kenny Goss for a very long time and as such they are one of Celebrity Royalty's fêted couples.

However, Michael -in this interview and previously - has made clear that he routinely has sex with other people (clearly this is with Goss' consent or at least knowledge).

Now if they're happy, that's fine, I don't have a problem with someone having multiple sexual partners if that's their thing. I just find it very hard to buy that a couple can have this kind of understanding and for their relationship to be really truly committed.

It is hard work being committed to someone, and being sexually faithful is a big part of what makes it hard. The pay-off though (in my opinion), is a truly deep, fulfilling committed relationship. Basically, can someone be 'the one' if you routinely shag other people?

Of course, it's none of my bloody business what George Michael (or anyone else for that matter) does with his willy for fun. I'm not judging casual sex.

I would also like to stress that this is nothing to do with homosexuality for me - I'd feel similarly about a heterosexual couple who portray themselves as deeply committed yet regularly sleep with other people. I would be asking the question, well are you really that bloody committed then?

It really really isn't me being icky about anal sex. I don't get why someone would want a fist up their fanjo either, but this would in no way make me question their commitment to their relationship if it was something they only ever did with their partner.

So what do you think?

I like being monogamous, and it's important to me. However, I have had other relationships with different expectations (which I won't go into detail over, but I felt that was the best way to live at the time). In my opinion, being in a good sexual/romantic relationship with one other person who feels the same way beats the alternatives hands down. And that doesn't make me an apologist for ridiculously jealous couples or people in situations of domestic abuse. i just feel lucky to have found the thing that makes me most happy. Each to their own.

tbh I think if I ever have another relationship I am going to insist on it NOT being monogamous. I don't ever want to be in the sort of situation again where ownership of one person's body by another is the be-all and and-all.

i never understand what the expression "you cant have your cake and eat it" actually means, even though i have used it myself

i have cake i will eat it

it doesnt make sense

i dont think its down to me or anyone else to decided what makes a relationship work for other people

what is alien to one is perfectly acceptable to another

its very easy to make judgments usually based in ill founded and inaccurate information though, from outside the relationship being scrutinised

solidgold, totally agree.

I'm in a monogamous relationship but I don't think monogamous relationships in general should be put an an pedestal above other kinds. The unfortunate reality of a lot of monogamous relationships is that they aren't that at all, but one partner may not know. An honest polygamous relationship is surely better than a deceitful monogamous one.

I think this is one thread that could simply have as many different views as there are people on the planet!

Agingoth you say "I don't ever want to be in the sort of situation again where ownership of one person's body by another is the be-all and and-al".....but for me, (in a long term monogamous marriage) that is not how I see it at all. My body is my own and belongs to noone but me. I choose to share it sexually and physically with my husband and that is a free choice which adds to our depth of intimacy.

To me, seeing a relationship as making your body someone else's is just a sign of a bad relationship, not that ALL monogamous relationships by definition mean your body is not your own.

'i never understand what the expression "you cant have your cake and eat it" actually means'

It means that if you have a piece of cake on your plate then you have a choice, you can keep it on the plate i.e. have your cake, or you can eat it in which case you no longer have it on the plate. It might make more sense to say 'you can't eat your cake and have it'. ( a rather pointless expression, as you could simply have a second piece of cake!)

I think there's a lot of messed up people in the world. Theres a 'do what you want' mindset these days that I really don't agree with. Often people believe they are happy in relationships because it seems to be working and they feel ok about things but there's often unlying problems. Of course manogamous couples often have problems and sometimes people cheat. Tiredfeet says 'An honest polygamous relationship is surely better than a deceitful monogamous one'. I dare say it is but that's not a good reason for a polygamous relationship. The answer to a decietful one is to get the hell out and find someone who does want to be faithful not find someone who's honest about sleeping around so you cant get hurt again.

Surely it only works if you both get some.

Otherwise one person will be sitting at home fuming over the Ovaltine and Strictly Come Dancing while their open relationship partner is out having endless fun with successions of willing trollopy floozies.

cirrhosis- totally take your point, but you seem mature enough to see that there could be other viewpoints.

My argument is with posters here who seem to think they have the monopoly on True Love because they have entered into a certain sort of relationship (heterosexual marriage).

I suppose the problem is telling the difference between:

(a) the people who are all cool and bohemian and postmodern and see monogamy as just one choice and want to be terribly 00s about it and have a "free" and open relationship, which I'm sure is lovely for you if you are both these and have agreed to it,

and

(b) gits of both genders who want to use it as an excuse to shag around and can't believe their cake-consuming/keeping luck.

You may think you have an (a). You may have a (b).

So who is in the position to judge, UQD?

good solid unpretentious citizens (presumably like yourself) who've done the good solid normal thing and aren't like those unpleasant hairy bohos?

or the people within the relationships themselves?

I didn't call anybody unpleasant or hairy. Obviously people have to use their common sense and work it out for themselves. It's risk management.

ok, it's just there was a bit of a tone of Jeremy Clarkson to your 'a' scenario. I know quite a few non-monogamous people. Some are doing it secretly from their partners which is obviously shit, or they have partners who seem to turn a blind eye in favour of keeping the conventional married set up. But the people I know who are honest about it really don't come anywhere near your 'a'. (I'm not talking about myself here btw as I'm not in a relationship).

A lot more of the openly non-monogamous people I know are gay and I think that's because they already know they don't fit in and don't want to fit in to the 'normal' married-couple pattern, although they could have it if they wished now with the CP.

Reality, a lot of monogamous couples split up too, I am your evidence for that

Unlikely to work. Too many bad feelings will rise up.

That tends to be exactly my suspicion, Reality.

But it does work. Fairly often. TO an extent, because of the dumbfuck herd animals who can't or won't accept that there are other ways of living and therefore harass the non-monogamous, some swinger couples keep that aspect of their lives pretty quiet. Others tend to socialise mostly with open-minded, unconventional people so can be more relaxed about it: I think a lot of the monogamists on this thread have only encountered polyamorous/swinging people via tabloid tales of It All Going Horribly Wrong - though please bear in mind you don't actually know what your neighbours get up to. I can think of about six couples off the top of my head who are in long term non-monogamous relationships (when I say long-term I mean 20 years in one case and at least 15 in another). They are happy. The way they live suits them. Each to their own - but I do tend to think that the obsessive monogamists are people with fairly empty little lives, if they regard putting a psychological padlock on someone else's genitals as the most important thing they'll ever do.

Agree Reality.
Sure I will be jumped on by the solid gold mafia but ime the man is usually the driving force in such situations.
Hence the higher frequency of open relationships in male homosexual couples, no woman to say 'no, I will not bloody allow you to stick your dick through a hole in a toilet cubicle', spoiling all the fun

I do wonder why women in particular will put up with a situation like that if it is really something they don't want....do you think the putting-up is economic/ to do with children?