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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking that, look, my DD is bloody well shy, not willful or stubborn thankyou very much

82 replies

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 09/12/2009 17:14

This is my DDs first term at school. I know im probably being Pfb (even though shes my second) but i just get a bit of a funny feeling about her teacher. Firstly, she seems lovely and everyone raves about how good she is. The teaching assistant is lovely too.

But my daughter really struggles with one to one. She is very shy, although once she comes out of her shell she is as loud and in yer face as the rest of them. Its just that whenver adults adress her, in her face i guess, she goes very shy, will say NO and look down or run and hide behind my legs and not come out for ANYTHING. It took her ages to warm to her key worker at nursery although he said that she would still have her moments when she didnt want to talk.

So, fast forward to the first parents evening and the first comment her teacher makes is - She is very willful isnt she?? Now to be fair, DD is actually quite stubborn if she doesnt want to do anything - although i was a bit to have this as the first thing the teacher said to me - she explained that DD wojuldnt be persuaded into line etc and that she would just look down and say no. I explained that actually this is shyness and that shes always been like that, that hopefully she will grow out of it. Anyway, i didnt want to take it personally as it is early days.

Moving on a bit and I am getting messages in her reading book that she doesn't want to sit and talk about books etc with the teacher. (happier with TA tbh) So i have tried to encourage DD without making an issue of it - but i wrote in her book about her problems with one-one and asking if this was a problem at her age - the message i got back was "well yes, it is a problem because how can we assess her if she wont talk to us!" There are always exclamation marks after these negative comments and this really riles me for some reason. Its like the teacher thinks my DD is being naughty.

To be honest, im really upset about this - my DP says that i shouldnt take any notice but i dont want DDs shyness to hinder her in school. He is very much of the school, well DD will come on in her own time - yes, so am i, but i do want to work with the school to overcome any potential problems.

Thing is, i just cant shake this feeling that the teacher doesnt 'like' DD, which i know is really silly but its there and its making me very defensive.

This is an excellent school (by far the best reputation in our area) but it does seem to have high academic expectations. I sent her there because its a catholic school.

I am all over the place about this - part of me wants to march up to the school and say, look here, ive told you she is shy, get off her bloody case but of course i know that would be the wrong thing to do.

What SHOULD i do?? these are messages in the school contact book and like email, maybe im misunderstanding the slant of it.

OP posts:

hohoholepew · 09/12/2009 17:18

I would ask for a meeting it's easier to gauge the teachers reaction. I would tell her that you're worriedc she's getting the wrong impression.

Original poster

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 09/12/2009 17:18

She will happily sit and talk about her books with me at home and is recognising letters and even small words - i havent really done much of this at home so she is clearly picking it up at school. I want to know what to do if this is going to present as a long term problem, DD did have speach therapy as she was a bit behind with her speach, she is what i would say 97% now with the only slight issues being some pronunciation, but have spoken to SALT about this and they say its not a problem and within the normal range for her age.

Also, she is one of the youngest in her class, having only turned 4 at the end of july.

OP posts:

Original poster

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 09/12/2009 17:20

hohoho, that was a very succint and to the point answer - and absolutely correct I will do just that - just don't want to come over as a troublesome mum and one whos little precious can do no wrong.

OP posts:

saintnickelas · 09/12/2009 17:20

can't give an answer, but i was awfully shy when i was in infant school.
i thought my teacher was a bit of a bully, but that might have been because she kept trying to make me talk or read out loud or ask questions, that kind of thing.
don't know if it was ever mentioned to my mum, but i never did grow out of it.

she needs some kind of confidence building at home, i should think. encouraging in something she's good at (music maybe or dancing/gymnastics?)
the last thing she needs is the teacher going on about how stubborn and unwilling to join in she is.
that made me a shed load worse.

don't know if that helps any.

londonone · 09/12/2009 17:21

I am sorry but saying "no" when being asked to join the line is nothing to do with being shy, it is defiant! It sounds like your daughter is very sure of her own agenda and is reluctant to follow the agenda of others. This is not at all uncommon in children of this age but it is not about being shy, more about being quite immature and self centred, again very common traits in children of this age.

You are right saying she will probably grow out of it but just dismissing it as shyness is not very helpful. Your daughter needs to learn the skills of adapting and compromising that are so vital for school life.

FabIsVeryFestive · 09/12/2009 17:22

I would send a note asking for an appointment to discuss how things can progress, without your dd there.

My dd can be willful (she is 6.4) but she is also very shy with people she doens't feel 100% happy with. She has had lots of medical appointments so a new dentist for instance would be a nightmare for us.

I think the !!! in the note book are out of order and the teacher seems to be putting it all on your dd and implying it is her fault and she is doing it on purpose.

I would see the teacher.

DandyLioness · 09/12/2009 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FabIsVeryFestive · 09/12/2009 17:26

saintnicklas has just reminded me of something my dd's teacher said to me at parents evening. She told me she talks to dd in a different way to other children, she would never ask her to demonstrate anything in PE and is keen to ask her to answer in class if she has her hand up. That tells me she knows my dd and is exactly how a teacher should be. Not like the one we had last year...

saintnickelas · 09/12/2009 17:28

londonone - i can't speak for the OP's DD, but i was always seen as stubborn and defiant because i would refuse to join in (i was petrified of getting it wron - yes, even standing in the line(being in the wrong place in the line, standing wrong, anything as simple at that!)) and it became defiance later in life because i felt like i was always being forced to do something that was difficult for me to join in with.

mice · 09/12/2009 17:30

I would be more upset that if my child was asked to go in line that they said no. My youngest was always very shy and did what he was told quickly exactly because he didn't want to engage in conversation or be noticed.

I would speak to the teacher - but with an open mind and be prepared to accept that maybe there is more to this than just shyness.

Whatever it turns out to be - she more than likely will grow out of it though

ChunkyKitKat · 09/12/2009 17:33

It's still really early days, I remember when ds was in reception it took him a whole term to learn where to put his things, and he didn't understand instuctions - it sorted itself out.

I think definitely a meeting with the teacher and she needs to just keep trying gently with your dd. My ds's teacher last year was really blunt and I felt defensive at the time, so appreciate how you feel, but worked with her and by the end of the year we got on well.

I seem to remember ds refusing to do writing as well, but he was having difficulty as he's left handed, just too early. Agree with your dp in a way, wish I hadn't worried so much! He's now year 3 and doing fine.

londonone · 09/12/2009 17:33

saintnickelas - You were seen as defiant because you were being defiant and not complying with the expectations placed upon you. Now children can act in a defiant way for all sorts of reasons and it may be that the OPs daughter is nervous and insecure like you were, but the verbalisation of the "no" is quite a strong defiant posture to take for a young child.

saintnickelas · 09/12/2009 17:36

i know you've got a valid point, but i'm remembering the pain of being forced to read out to the teacher in class.
it's making me feel all angry and put uppon!

that sounds like madness, but i can just feel my own feelings from way back then just thinking about it!

saintnickelas · 09/12/2009 17:38

(i would also like to point out that my mum did nothing productive to help my shyness: if anything she encouraged it by saying i didn't have to do anything i was uncomfortable with - eg join clubs etc. if she'd encouraged me to join in with things from the beginning i think i would have had more confidence)

stickylittlefingers · 09/12/2009 17:38

londonone's attitude would be right if the child was 14, but not with a 4yo. Yes, it would be easier if all children naturally adapted to school life, but as fab's dd's teacher has obviously realised, all children are not built the same, and nor should they be.

I do realise as well that this would be a lot easier if there were

MintyCandyCane · 09/12/2009 17:38

The problem is the teacher, it is their job to help the child communicate with them. If the child finds it hard they need to help not call them wilful. I would talk to the teacher and if that doesn't work see the head. I had to in dds reception year when we had a similar problem. The problem went away the following year when we had a different teacher. Good luck.

londonone · 09/12/2009 17:41

er sticky have you read my post, I have said that it is very common and she will probably grow out of it, I just don't think that suggesting it is simply shyness is very helpful.

londonone · 09/12/2009 17:42

What a fatuous post minty.

ChunkyKitKat · 09/12/2009 17:42

Yes, agree with Minty, the teacher needs to find a way of communicating with your dd, even though she's made it clear she finds it a challenge.

Is she also young in the year? It's just that my ds wasn't ready for school at 4 years 1 month.

MintyCandyCane · 09/12/2009 17:43

fatuous ?

Uriel · 09/12/2009 17:45

Agree with saintnickelas.

MintyCandyCane · 09/12/2009 17:47

Well, I would rather be fatuous than rude. Who peed in your cuppa ?

stickylittlefingers · 09/12/2009 17:47

yes I did, londonone. This in particular
"I am sorry but saying "no" when being asked to join the line is nothing to do with being shy, it is defiant! It sounds like your daughter is very sure of her own agenda and is reluctant to follow the agenda of others".

I'm not sure why you came to this conclusion - probably the mother would know her daughter? If she were constantly wilful at home, she would see a pattern of behaviour? Instead she sees her always being shy of adults, a different pattern of behaviour?

Are you in fact this teacher?

cory · 09/12/2009 17:50

When I took ds into school to see the teacher before starting school, he was terrified and hid under the table. I see that this would have been seen as defiant by some MNers (he was not complying with expectations placed on him). Fortunately, the teacher was kind and understanding and wasn't worried about the strong defiant posture. She never had any problems with his behaviour, nor have any of his other teachers.

saintnickelas · 09/12/2009 17:52

it does make me wonder exactly how the teacher acts to your DD: does she make a huge point of instructing her in what she wants?
i know my teacher would talk to me very loudly so that everyone could hear.
and once i asked her if i could go to the toilet but she wouldn't let me, and i was desperate but too shy/nervous to ask again, so i sat on the nearest seat and wet myself.

oh, yeah, and i was too shy to mention that fact and it was pointed out to my teacher by the boy whose seat it was.

it really is down to the teacher's attitude how she deals with your daughter's shyness, or it will get so much worse - your DD could completely go into her shell like i did.

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