In thinking that, look, my DD is bloody well shy, not willful or stubborn thankyou very much

[ijustwanttoaskaquestion]

This is my DDs first term at school. I know im probably being Pfb (even though shes my second) but i just get a bit of a funny feeling about her teacher. Firstly, she seems lovely and everyone raves about how good she is. The teaching assistant is lovely too.

But my daughter really struggles with one to one. She is very shy, although once she comes out of her shell she is as loud and in yer face as the rest of them. Its just that whenver adults adress her, in her face i guess, she goes very shy, will say NO and look down or run and hide behind my legs and not come out for ANYTHING. It took her ages to warm to her key worker at nursery although he said that she would still have her moments when she didnt want to talk.

So, fast forward to the first parents evening and the first comment her teacher makes is - She is very willful isnt she?? Now to be fair, DD is actually quite stubborn if she doesnt want to do anything - although i was a bit to have this as the first thing the teacher said to me - she explained that DD wojuldnt be persuaded into line etc and that she would just look down and say no. I explained that actually this is shyness and that shes always been like that, that hopefully she will grow out of it. Anyway, i didnt want to take it personally as it is early days.

Moving on a bit and I am getting messages in her reading book that she doesn't want to sit and talk about books etc with the teacher. (happier with TA tbh) So i have tried to encourage DD without making an issue of it - but i wrote in her book about her problems with one-one and asking if this was a problem at her age - the message i got back was "well yes, it is a problem because how can we assess her if she wont talk to us!" There are always exclamation marks after these negative comments and this really riles me for some reason. Its like the teacher thinks my DD is being naughty.

To be honest, im really upset about this - my DP says that i shouldnt take any notice but i dont want DDs shyness to hinder her in school. He is very much of the school, well DD will come on in her own time - yes, so am i, but i do want to work with the school to overcome any potential problems.

Thing is, i just cant shake this feeling that the teacher doesnt 'like' DD, which i know is really silly but its there and its making me very defensive.

This is an excellent school (by far the best reputation in our area) but it does seem to have high academic expectations. I sent her there because its a catholic school.

I am all over the place about this - part of me wants to march up to the school and say, look here, ive told you she is shy, get off her bloody case but of course i know that would be the wrong thing to do.

What SHOULD i do?? these are messages in the school contact book and like email, maybe im misunderstanding the slant of it.

OP wrote ' Now to be fair, DD is actually quite stubborn if she doesnt want to do anything'

So if by your own admission ,your DD is stubborn at home then why do you think the teacher is wrong when she says she is stubborn at school ?

OK - first of all, im very sorry londonone - i was out of order to jump on you last night. You made some valid points but i was too busy being an overprotective lioness to listen.

To update: I spoke to teacher today. Just casually aksed how DD getting on, she said that she is doing well, however does have times when she just wont talk to them. It can be a problem if it is reading time and assessing her progress. She said she is not overly worried at this stage as she is very good socially with the other children and will contribute when in a larger group. She did say that is she is upset about something she is difficult to comfort and can be a bit stroppy and wont let the teachers touch her - that is about right to be honest as she can be like this at home. That is naughtiness i guess and im less concerned about that really than the not talking/shyness.

I'm glad i plucked up the courage to speak to her. I was a bit late to pick up so DD was going with her to the office and she seemed happy enough to be with her.

Anyway, i asked if she thought there was anything i could do etc and she said that she would see how she goes after christmas and we will take it from there.

Thanks for all the words of advice, i am sorry for being a stroppy mare i just felt a bit backed into a corner because of the lining up stuff which wasn't really what i was worried about.

I'm glad things are resolved, but just want to get something off my chest.

Your post where you got angry and shouted appears to be prompted by my last post WRT asking your DD.

You know what, sad cow that I am, I was on the bus this morning when I suddenly thought: no one [on this thread] asked the OP whether she's actually talked to her daughter about this!'

My point was that it was worth asking your DD how she felt in class. I used the examples of lining up and reading because they are they examples YOU gave and I thought it best to frame it as specific questions as I always think it's best to be specific. I spent time thinking about my post, then time typing it.

And for that I get you blowing a gasket. Well, lesson learnt. In future, if I sense that the OP is getting defensive - as you did more or less straight away - I won't bother trying to come up with (in my viewpoint) helpful suggestions.

And btw, I did suggest right at the top of this thread in my first post that AIBU wasn't the best place, because I don't think it's a question of whether you were being reasonable or not.

oh, thankyou dingdongdandy - it really wasn't your post, i was already in the red mist by the time i read yours . Now i feel bad for not reading it properly . Especially as you took time to think about it this am.

I have asked DD how she feels etc and tbh i dont get much out of her in this regards - she does say she doesn't like her but then she says she only likes daddy and me!

someone raised the issue of her interaction with adults and i do think that there could be an issue here, i was a very protective mummy (still am, does it show??) at first and DD has never really been left with anyone, my mum has had her a few times but for no longer than about an hour and she went to play school but she hasn't had much chance to interact with adults really. I dont have many friends and most of them work so her adult circle is really just me and DP

Difficult one, could well be shyness mixed with some wilfullness.
DC3 was very like this, at preschool when it was song time, all the other boys and girls sat on the mat to sing, he stood in the corner and glared at everyone. He was asked to come & sit down but refused point blank!
Now, his shyness caused the problem, but his bloody minded wilfullness (he's now 8 and is very headstrong still) amplified the problem.
It's an unfortunate fact that some children find it difficult to conform to the school rules etc, because of shyness or other issues, but at the end of the day, the school has to have some level of control over all the children otherwise anarchy will reign.
My son has had to learn to conform and it's not always been easy. there have been some real battles over acceptable behaviour both at school and at home.
Even now he will try to ignore people who he doesn't want to talk to, but we tell him this is rude and unacceptable. If he had been our 1st child we wouldn't have maybe been so firm but it's made his life better, now he's slightly more willing to conform and fit in at school (I won't however make him join in the country dancing at the summer fete as he feels it's girly and going a bit too far to conform!)

OP - ok thanks, all friends again

I think what you said your DD told you about only liking to read to you and her dad is heartening - as it shows the problem isn't personal to the teacher. I think you're right that it's a question of her being uncomfortable round adults.

But at the end of the day, this is only her FIRST term of school. So settling issues are understandable and expected! School is a big deal and a lot of small children to get used to. You will see a big difference in her (hopefully!) by the end of year.

fingers crossed!