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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be mad a MIL and FIl???

80 replies

katielf · 09/12/2009 14:38

Sorry to post this but am soo cross at the moment and need to know if IABU. Also sorry it is a long one.

Currently I have a bad bowt of the flu which has left me bed ridden for 4 days. MIL and FIL kindly offered to take DS (who is 14 weeks old) for a couple of nights so that he does not catch anything from myself. This was great, as he was a little bit prem and I am not breast feeding so I did not want him to be subjected to catching this bug.

This was so kind of thew in-laws to do as my DH has had a few v v v early starts for work. I told MIL last night how much I appreciated all of thier help, and told her that my symptoms were clearing up and would think DS will be able to come home today.

I spoke to her this morning to see how he was and to explain that once DH was home we would make the decision as to when we would pick up DS. She said great that she could spend the rest of the day with him. I was v greatful and even though I am missing DS terribly, I said ok.

My FIL called to help with DIY jobs at our house this morning and let it slip that MIL was taking DS to the DRS as he has been dribbling quite a lot over the last couple of days and had started to get a rash on his cheeks. ( I had been to the DRs last week about this and had been told to use vaseline which I was happy about).

I said that I had not been told about this and was not happy. FIL laughed it off and said it was just to go and get some cream for DS. I have tried to contact MIL all afternoon to see what the DRS has said and what medication they have given him, as I want to be the one to make the decision as to what is or is not used in the carre of my child, but am not able to get hold of them as they hgave gone out for the afternoon for lunch and shopping!!!!!!!

Please tell me if I ABU as I feel that they should have contacted myself or my DH before even making the phonecall to the drs. And even then I should have been called as soon as they arrived home. I feel completely undermined and incapable as a mother.

Sorry rant over just need to know if I am being dramatic or not. Thanks

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 09/12/2009 14:41

Sounds like she's been waiting for you to be laid up.
I'd be annoyed and think it's overstepping the mark

Undercovamutha · 09/12/2009 14:42

YANBU to be annoyed that they didn't consult you about the doctors. But you seem to have VERY helpful ILs and I think it can then be very difficult to draw a line over who does what and what is acceptable.
Have you not seen your MIL or DS for 4 days, or have they just had him in the night?

IckleJess · 09/12/2009 14:42

YANBU. However, maybe you MIL just didn't want to worry you as you've been so unwell. But then she should have contacted your DH I guess.

Maybe, also, she was fully aware that it was only a minor ailment and therefore didn't think it warranted mentioning?

Either way, I would be upset too, especially at the not being able to contact them part as obviously you want to know how your DC is.

Have to say though, the brownie points your inlaws have gained just for having your DC whilst you've been so poorly probably outweigh anything they've lost for BU about the rash. I wish my inlaws were that helpful (or even a 10th of that helpful tbh).

Hope you are feeling better soon.

DandyLioness · 09/12/2009 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Taramuddle · 09/12/2009 14:46

I'd say your inlaws have overstepped the mark, I'd have been angry too but...... Don't suppose they've done it with any malice, just a bit thoughtless. Nevertheless, get baby back pronto & reclaim territory! I find grandpArents frequently have to be reminded who is the mum & dad!

Flyonthewindscreen · 09/12/2009 14:46

YANBU, they only had charge of your DS for te rest of today so didn't need to take him to the doctors for a mild rash without telling you. Although I would be more upset that they had not been contactable all afternoon if they had my tiny baby with them.

Your ILs sound very willing to help but I would be very cautious that they don't "take over" too much.

Brunettelady · 09/12/2009 14:46

YANBU. It is your child and however helpful they have been while you have been ill, they should have consulted you before taking it upon themselves to take him to the docs then not tell you what happened.

I wouldn't have been at all happy if my ILs had done that. I feel it is overstepping the mark a bit.

ruddynorah · 09/12/2009 14:46

very wrong, very very wrong. i'd be furious, as you are. difficult because they have been a big help. FIL will know by your reaction that MIL was wrong to do this.

diddl · 09/12/2009 14:47

Not sure tbh.

You have left your baby in their care.
He has a rash, MIL took him to the Drs to get something for it rather than bother you about it.

kinnies · 09/12/2009 14:48

Yanbu.
But dont have a go at them. Just get Dh to tell them to let you know about this stuff in the future.
They sound like lovley people who care about you all so tread carefuly

jasmeeen · 09/12/2009 14:49

They sound very helpful. However, I can see exactly why you are upset about the doctor thing BUT she probably thought she was doing it for the best (was worried about your baby) and wasn't judging your mothering ability.

It sounds like they are around a lot and very involved in your life and this kind of thing will probably happen again in the future if you don't set some boundaries now.

TheProvincialLady · 09/12/2009 14:50

YABU. Either you are too ill to look after your DS, in which case you have to hand him over to the loving care of his relatives and let them take care of him 100%, or you aren't. I have been in this position with my own DS1 whilst ill in hospital when he was about the same age and it is hard, but you have to let them get on with it. It is not a major life changing health decision to take a dribbly baby to the GP.

Original poster
katielf · 09/12/2009 14:52

Thanks, I was beginning to thin k that I was over dramatising it all!

They have had for 4 full days. We thought that I might have had swine flu and just did not want to take any risks. DH has been to see him and put DS to be every night, but I think enough is enough. I need him home. I feel like my arm has been chopped off.

I feel a bit like I am not a competent nother and that i almost need permission to ask for him back. Dont get me wrong they are fantastic people and will do anything at all to help, but as you say it was probably a bit of mindlessness.

However, they think that DS should stay over another night Dh has just told me to make sure that I am even better begfore I take him back. I dont know what to do!!!

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 09/12/2009 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 09/12/2009 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImSoNotTelling · 09/12/2009 14:55

I think YANBU they have overstepped the mark.

Also are you all registered at the same doctors? I mean if doc saw baby recently about the same thing and said vaseline, what on earth are they going to make of same baby with same rash pitching up with different carer. Presumably they will give same answer ie vaseline. Whole thing is nuts.

ruddynorah · 09/12/2009 14:55

yes i'm not sure a doctor would give a prescription to a grandparent.

OrmIrian · 09/12/2009 14:55

Sorry but I don't see what the problem was. If he had something serious they should of course have contacted you asap but a bit of dribble rash......

Don't make a fuss about this. I'm sure it was done with the best of intentions. They probably thought you'd be pleased that they were caring for him so well

Original poster
katielf · 09/12/2009 14:56

you are right. thanks for your help, i feel calmer now and know that they were only doing what is best for DS. but i will set some boundaries. This cannot happen again, not without consulting me or DH first, and I am not too sure if the drs are supposed to deal anyone other than a parent or guardian. i need to check that one out.

OP posts:
VinegarTinselTits · 09/12/2009 14:57

YANBU she could have called you first and asked you if it was ok for her to take him to the drs, she may be caring for him, but she is not his mother and has no right to make that decision (unless it was an emergency and you were uncontactable)

My mother would never dream of doing this with my children without consulting me first

diddl · 09/12/2009 14:57

I agree with theprovinciallady

You´re either too ill or you´re not.
And if you are better now, get him back!

ImSoNotTelling · 09/12/2009 14:58

are you all registered with the same doctor katielf? If MIL has taken your DC to HER doctor, doctor is going to be right fucked off with her as the baby is not one of his patients.

Original poster
katielf · 09/12/2009 15:00

No we are not at the drs and she took him to our surgery. though am not sure how she has managed to make the appt as she is not his parent. I really need to ring the surgery about this one. Not to cause any probs with the In laws but to just make sure that they have measures in place for checking when appts are made.

OP posts:
PotPourri · 09/12/2009 15:01

I think YANBU. You left him in their care - but I think you need to get him back and also say that you are not happy with MIL taking him to the doc without consulting you. Tread carefully though as it was good of her to look after him (would have loved that help when I had pneumonia) - but she has overstepped the mark and needs to know.

ruddynorah · 09/12/2009 15:02

did she manage to get a prescription? i find that quite shocking tbh. what did they give her?

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