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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be mad a MIL and FIl???

80 replies

katielf · 09/12/2009 14:38

Sorry to post this but am soo cross at the moment and need to know if IABU. Also sorry it is a long one.

Currently I have a bad bowt of the flu which has left me bed ridden for 4 days. MIL and FIL kindly offered to take DS (who is 14 weeks old) for a couple of nights so that he does not catch anything from myself. This was great, as he was a little bit prem and I am not breast feeding so I did not want him to be subjected to catching this bug.

This was so kind of thew in-laws to do as my DH has had a few v v v early starts for work. I told MIL last night how much I appreciated all of thier help, and told her that my symptoms were clearing up and would think DS will be able to come home today.

I spoke to her this morning to see how he was and to explain that once DH was home we would make the decision as to when we would pick up DS. She said great that she could spend the rest of the day with him. I was v greatful and even though I am missing DS terribly, I said ok.

My FIL called to help with DIY jobs at our house this morning and let it slip that MIL was taking DS to the DRS as he has been dribbling quite a lot over the last couple of days and had started to get a rash on his cheeks. ( I had been to the DRs last week about this and had been told to use vaseline which I was happy about).

I said that I had not been told about this and was not happy. FIL laughed it off and said it was just to go and get some cream for DS. I have tried to contact MIL all afternoon to see what the DRS has said and what medication they have given him, as I want to be the one to make the decision as to what is or is not used in the carre of my child, but am not able to get hold of them as they hgave gone out for the afternoon for lunch and shopping!!!!!!!

Please tell me if I ABU as I feel that they should have contacted myself or my DH before even making the phonecall to the drs. And even then I should have been called as soon as they arrived home. I feel completely undermined and incapable as a mother.

Sorry rant over just need to know if I am being dramatic or not. Thanks

OP posts:

ImSoNotTelling · 09/12/2009 15:03

You see I would be even more pissed off about that - your doctor is YOUR doctor IYSWIM and to have MIL make appts to see someone who is not connected to her professionally just seems downright weird. Really intrusive somehow.

Plus presumably doc will simply reiterate vaseline advice. I really hope doc has done that and not bowed to MIL demand for "cream" otehrwise she will be all "I told you so"

diddl · 09/12/2009 15:04

I can see why you are angry/annoyed, but if you were ill in bed, I could see why they wouldn´t ask first.

Did they know that you had already been to the Drs & told to use Vaseline?

VinegarTinselTits · 09/12/2009 15:04

hopefully your dr has made some comment to her about already seeing your ds for this complaint and consulting you first before wasting his/her time by bringing him in again

OrmIrian · 09/12/2009 15:04

I am confused. What 'mark' did she overstep? Where is it written in the rules what a grandmother is not allowed to do? I have always measured the care GPs have given my children by their intention. And that has always been loving.

OrmIrian · 09/12/2009 15:05

Would it have been OK to go to the pharmacist to ask for something?

diddl · 09/12/2009 15:05

I assume that the baby is the patient, so the appointment would be made for them.

MadamDeathstare · 09/12/2009 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GhoulsAreLoud · 09/12/2009 15:07

YABU, you handed over care of your son to him and that's what they're doing.

You're very lucky that you've been able to have some peace to get over the flu.

ladytophamhat · 09/12/2009 15:08

pretty much agree with everyone else - yes MIL should have said she wanted to take him to the dr and why, but looking after him ds for that amount of time is phenomenally helpful.

Maybe have a quiet well thought out word with her as soon as she brings him back so you don't have the same thing happen again

unfitmother · 09/12/2009 15:08

If you trust them enough to leave your 14 week old baby with them for 4 days, then surely you have to trust their decisions?

ruddynorah · 09/12/2009 15:09

well for me no. MIL and FIL have very different ideas to me. they feel the need to get 'cream' for every little thing. i do not. i don't like chemically shite on my kids skin so would want to know exactly what a doctor is prescribing, if they are. left to their own devices PIL would slather any old crap on, and would go with whatever a gp said. took a while to get their heads round not using Matey in the bath for dd.

diddl · 09/12/2009 15:11

Well, hopefully op´s baby was seen by his own Dr & MIL was told to use Vaseline.

wb · 09/12/2009 15:15

I think you are being a little U. I would hope my dcs grandparents would take them to a doctor if they had charge of them and felt there was a need. Obviously you'd want to be informed asap if it were something serious but I think if you trust their judgment enough to have them look after him overnight you should trust their judgment in this.

cumbria81 · 09/12/2009 15:15

I don't know, I think you're being a bit precious. They are doing you a favour, though agree they should have told you they were going.

neenz · 09/12/2009 15:15

Ormirian, maybe you are lucky and have PILs that always do the right thing, but we all know some PILs esp MILs can think they know best and do things to undermine their DILs.

The OP is not BU at all - presumably she was contactable by phone at all times, so the MIL should have rung her if she felt there was a problem with the baby and asked if she wanted her to take the LO to the doc's.

It is overstepping the mark to take a child to the doctor without the parent's permission.

VinegarTinselTits · 09/12/2009 15:17

Im sorry but handing over her ds to be looked after did not mean giving up her rights to make parental decisions, mil only had to make a phone call to the op and would have saved herself a trip to the drs

the thing that would have annoyed me, is that the OP spoke to her on the phone that very morning, and the mil didnt mention the rash or taking him to the drs, and she might never have known if fil hadnt let it slip

mrsjammi · 09/12/2009 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheMightyToosh · 09/12/2009 15:22

YANBU - I would be furious if my DD was considered to be in need of a doctor and I was not told about it immediately! Regardless of me hending over care, etc. I hand over care to the nursery 3 days a week - doesn't mean I would let them book a drs appt without telling me!

How hard would it have been to just phone first?

However, I do wonder if the MIL in this case was worried that the rash from the dribble might make her look bad and so she was trying to stealthily get some cream to clear it up before the OP saw it..

But surely a trip to the chemist would have sufficed?

diddl · 09/12/2009 15:23

I agree with MrsJammi

I´d be saying a big thank you when I collect, and saying nothing about the Drs visit.

But thinking about "boundaries" should they be left in charge again.

I assume you´d also be as annoyed if it was your own mum?

You sound v lucky with your ILs-don´t spoil it!

ImSoNotTelling · 09/12/2009 15:23

No MIL should be told off for wasting NHS time, taking baby to doc for second time for same thing and demanding "cream" when doc has already seen baby, diagnosed nothing to worry about and recommended vaseline.

ImSoNotTelling · 09/12/2009 15:25

Can you imagine if every baby that got a rash from dribbling had to be seen by doctor x times for exact same advice, where x is number of relatives in family.

Serious time-wasting IMO.

risingstar · 09/12/2009 15:25

yabu- a bit- when you look at the overall balance in the last few days.

sounds like you are getting better and missing your little one, and mother lion has come out!

relax- when they drop him off, profuse thanks a quick chat about what doctor said and a mention that you had already taken him to the doctor.

i think they are acting out of love for you both tbh. You clearly trust them, else you wouldnt have let them look after ds.

remember it is early days for all of you in this baby/mummy/grandparents relationship. they sound like they are worth their weight in gold

AmazingBouncingFerret · 09/12/2009 15:26

Did she know you had already took him to the Dr's?
Because she might of thought she was doing a favour by taking him to the Dr's for you whilst you have swine flu therefor saving you the job and meaning you wont pass anything on to anyone at the surgery.

emsyj · 09/12/2009 15:27

Hmmm, I think you are overreacting really but then my mum used Matey in my bath as a child and I don't have any particular views on creams and would be quite happy for my mum to take my (currently in utero) DC to the GP and follow his advice, so will have to conclude that I don't really 'get it' since DC has not arrived in the world yet. Maybe I will feel differently when he/she makes an appearance, but at the moment this doesn't seem to me to be a huge life issue. They are trying their hardest to be helpful and your MIL probably didn't think for a second that you would be upset about her taking your DS to the doctor. Don't forget things were probably very different in her day and it wouldn't occur to her that you would want to question the doctor's advice - that probably was unheard of/not the done thing at all in her day. Cut her a bit of slack.

mrsjammi · 09/12/2009 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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