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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be mad a MIL and FIl???

80 replies

katielf · 09/12/2009 14:38

Sorry to post this but am soo cross at the moment and need to know if IABU. Also sorry it is a long one.

Currently I have a bad bowt of the flu which has left me bed ridden for 4 days. MIL and FIL kindly offered to take DS (who is 14 weeks old) for a couple of nights so that he does not catch anything from myself. This was great, as he was a little bit prem and I am not breast feeding so I did not want him to be subjected to catching this bug.

This was so kind of thew in-laws to do as my DH has had a few v v v early starts for work. I told MIL last night how much I appreciated all of thier help, and told her that my symptoms were clearing up and would think DS will be able to come home today.

I spoke to her this morning to see how he was and to explain that once DH was home we would make the decision as to when we would pick up DS. She said great that she could spend the rest of the day with him. I was v greatful and even though I am missing DS terribly, I said ok.

My FIL called to help with DIY jobs at our house this morning and let it slip that MIL was taking DS to the DRS as he has been dribbling quite a lot over the last couple of days and had started to get a rash on his cheeks. ( I had been to the DRs last week about this and had been told to use vaseline which I was happy about).

I said that I had not been told about this and was not happy. FIL laughed it off and said it was just to go and get some cream for DS. I have tried to contact MIL all afternoon to see what the DRS has said and what medication they have given him, as I want to be the one to make the decision as to what is or is not used in the carre of my child, but am not able to get hold of them as they hgave gone out for the afternoon for lunch and shopping!!!!!!!

Please tell me if I ABU as I feel that they should have contacted myself or my DH before even making the phonecall to the drs. And even then I should have been called as soon as they arrived home. I feel completely undermined and incapable as a mother.

Sorry rant over just need to know if I am being dramatic or not. Thanks

OP posts:
diddl · 09/12/2009 15:29

Yes MIL did waste Drs time-but did she know?
Or Op could have said when they collected baby.

ImSoNotTelling · 09/12/2009 15:30

I am still feeling sorry for this poor bloody doctor. Getting deja vu "haven't I already seen this sprog and diagnosed nothing to worry about?"

Oh hello yes I see you are MIL, yes I have seen this rash, and this baby, with the mother, and told her it was nothing to worry about, but now you want me to tell you that too? Oh joy unbounded what totally not a waste of my time.

fernie3 · 09/12/2009 15:31

I think she did the right thing?. Ok she should have told you BUT if you were as ill as you say and couldnt care for him for 4 days then she rightly took over the care which included dealing with any problems like this. I agree though it would have been better for her to have called you but in all likleyhood she probably thought she was doing the right thing in not bothering you afterall it is only a minor thing and not worth worrying someone who is recovering over.

My step mother took my son to the doctors while I was in hospital having my daughter, she told me after they had been and it never bothered me in the slightest as I had left him in her care including having to trust her to take care of any problems that might arise.

YANBU to have expected a phone call but YABU to be upset with them - sounds like they have done a good job.

If you feel better and want him back just call them and tell them you are on the way to get him.

VinegarTinselTits · 09/12/2009 15:31

I agree with mightytoosh, how hard would it have been for mil to ring you first? and i would be annoyed if my own mother did this without consulting me first

Undercovamutha · 09/12/2009 15:31

OP - maybe you should ask MrsJammi if you can borrow her name, as you do sound very jammy with all the help you get from your ILs.
My DD (at age 7mo) once spent 3 whole days either in her activity centre/Leapfrog thingy or in bed with me, when I had flu. DH couldn't take time off work and both sets of grandparents are not nearby. She was amazingly good actually - must have sensed the 'end of my tether' vibes from me!

However, I have a number of friends who have VERY helpful ILs and parents, and whilst I am jealous of all the support they get and help with their kids, I am also strangely glad that I don't have to put up with all the 'overstepping the mark' issues they have on a daily basis.

diddl · 09/12/2009 15:35

I do agree that MIL could have checked-but tbh, at least they showed some sense and did something!

My MIL would dither and not make a decision!

When I went into labour she asked when I would be having the baby!

VinegarTinselTits · 09/12/2009 15:36

but msjammi the op spoke to her mil saying she felt better and would be picking him up that day

'I spoke to her this morning to see how he was and to explain that once DH was home we would make the decision as to when we would pick up DS. She said great that she could spend the rest of the day with him.'

so she didnt think the op was seriously ill on her death bed, she knew she was feeling better and picking him up later that day but still she took him off her own bat without so much as a mention about it to the OP

My guess is she wanted to play 'mummy' for a little while longer, i would be annoyed at this

diddl · 09/12/2009 15:38

Yes, MIL could have been hoping to hold on to baby for longer.

But on balance, they were helpful, they didn´t do anything detrimental/dangerous.

I don´t think it´s worth causing an argument/bad feeling over.

VinegarTinselTits · 09/12/2009 15:40

of course not, they sound like very loving GP's

go get your ds OP, glad you are feeling better now

NoChristmasMojo · 09/12/2009 15:41

i think YABU

I think given thst you were so ill that the in laws were looking after DS, thry probably didnt want to worry you. I think that they thought that they were doing you a favour, preventing you from dragging the both of you back to drs tomorrow to have the rash checked over again. Dont think it was a personal attack or anything other than that. If it was something more serious then i am sure that they would have told you first.

my mum is a bit like this & i have had to bite my lip many a time over her seemingly good intentions that usually back fire somehow. Just smile & say thanks as you will need their help again!

diddl · 09/12/2009 15:43

Yes, forgot to say,I doubt it was done to undermine you.

GhoulsAreLoud · 09/12/2009 15:44

I think she acted with good intentions.

I think if you're going to involve your PIL in your lives to the extent that they look after your baby for four days and do your DIY then sometimes this sort of issue is going to arise.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 09/12/2009 15:48

YANBU

They are lovely inlaws who have looked after your ds while you were ill (which you acknowledge was lovely and kind)

BUT

They have no right (moral or legal) to make medical decisions for your child, no matter how small. Had it been the case that she was very worried and she tried to get hold of you but couldn't, then that would be a different thing altogether. But we're talking about a pre-existing mild rash.

She's not a monster, but she's not right either.

She did a lovely thing and just needs to be told (very gently) that she shouldn't take ds to the GP without your permission as the surgery may get in trouble for it (or similar).

No drama, no persecution, no vilifying.

Simples.

wannaBe · 09/12/2009 15:55

I think yabu. Let's look at the facts here:

You were so ill that you were unable to look after or for that matter even have any contact with your own child, so your ILs had him full time for four days. How many people do you know who would willingly have someone else's fourteen week old baby, and all that entails, for four days?

You say that you had been to the dr last week for ds' rash, yet presumably your mil mustn't have known this or she wouldn't have felt the need to take him back. So why didn't you tell her? More to the point why are you choosing not to follow the dr's advice? (which you can't be doing or mil would have been aware of it.)

Ultimately you either trust this woman or you don't. You can't expect someone to look after such a young baby, day and night, for four days and then start to get upset when they actually do look after him, including trying to deal with a rash...

wannaBe · 09/12/2009 16:00

and afaik dr's dont have to have written permission from a parent to see a child with someone else. Yes consent needs to be given if surgical procedures are carried out but iirc that is all.

As for taking medical decisions for the child, we're talking about a bit of cream here not major surgery. Would people consider buying the same cream from the chemist or giving a bit of calpol overstepping the mark too?

If it was a&e it would be one thing, but we're talking about a mild rash. The fil mentioned it so it's not as if the op was kept totally out of the loop is it? Or would the op have refused to allow her child to be seen by the gp, and if so, why?

diddl · 09/12/2009 16:06

I´m not sure MIL would get into trouble re taking baby to Drs, as he was being cared for by MIL at the time.

As others & myself have said, if OP had mentioned the rash...
So,I think there are for want of a better word "faults" on both sides.

VinegarTinselTits · 09/12/2009 16:10

It only needed one phone call

mil - 'dil dgs has a rash, should i book a drs appoint?'
dil - 'no thankyou mil, dr has already seen him last week, its nothing to worry about'

simples

ginnybag · 09/12/2009 16:11

Is it possible mother in law was spooked by someone else?

I.e. she saw the rash, thought it was nothing, and was managing just fine. But then she ran into a friend who flapped about rashes on babies being signs of impending death from Meningitis or whatever and so she panicked a little, worrying that you might think she'd neglected him, so she hauls him down to the GP's and gets him seen - all without thinking?

Once the doc confirmed it was nothing, she reverted to her original instincts, felt a bit of a prat and didn't want to admit it.

Or, she thought the rash was getting worse and wanted him seen before he was back in your care, thinking that because you have Swine Flu you won't be able to go into the GP's surgery at the mo.

There could be reasons for why she did what she did. I agree she should have tried to contact you first (if only to save time etc) but surely t'is better she acted if she was worried than did nothing?

On balance, I think you've got to let this go and, in fact, I think you're best appraoch would be to laugh it off in a sort of 'sorry for all the fuss, thnaks for having him, shame about the wasted visit, a bit of crossed wires perhaps?'

It's really not worth souring what seems to be a fantastic relationship over nothing in the end!

Oh, also, GP will treat the child as he is their patient, especially if MIL phoned up and said 'he has a rash.'

He might be pissy about the time wasting, but, if he is, he'll have said something to her at the time. But he's covered legally - you left your child in their care full time, therefore you granted them guardianship, therefore he is fine to treat. Unless you specifically tell a GP NOT to do this, they will because they see a lot of kids being cared for by people other than parents these days and Grandma's are about the most common.

Same reasoning as allowing someone to phone up and order their husband's/parents etc repeat meds. There's a limit to how controlling they can be with this or they cause more problems than they solve.

diddl · 09/12/2009 16:12

Indeed, and OP could have told MIL-also simples!

VinegarTinselTits · 09/12/2009 16:14

maybe she thought her DH had mentioned it, she was ill in bed after all

traceybath · 09/12/2009 16:17

YABU

Its a minor niggle. They have really really helped you.

Be grateful and don't ruin it by moaning about this.

diddl · 09/12/2009 16:19

Yes, I think on balance the help they have given outweighs what MIL did.

CaptainUnderpants · 09/12/2009 16:40

YABU _ get the baby back if you feel well enough (obviously your are otherwise you wouldnot be on MN ), if GP has presecribed cream you dont have to use it so no issue there, you are very lucky to have INLS that will take a 14 week old baby off your hands AND do your DIY .

In the scheme of things I wouldn't rock the boat with INLs otherwise you will be deemed ungrateful and next time you need a helping hand you may be told where to get off !

macdoodle · 09/12/2009 16:47

I'm not sure TBH, am stil that you havent seen your 3 month old DS for 4 days and night !! I havent spent a night apart from my 2 year old DD2 for almost 2 years....with flu and various other things, cannot imagine it TBH, and certainly not when she was so tiny!

mo3g · 09/12/2009 16:53

YANBU i would be angry yes they have been great helping while you are ill but to take him to the docs without consulting either yourself or dh is bang out of order imo.

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