to think that my partner ex is invading our space by asking him to be at her house at 6:30 am?

[Mongolia]

As far as I have been informed my BF's ex was a bully beyond belief before ending the relationship with BF. BF is still very much afraid of "upseting" her.

Last week, for BF's birthday, she got him a couple of tickets for a show. Problem was that she booked the tickets for the exact date of his birthday, ignoring the fact that we may already had other plans for the day.

DS and I had planned a surprise party for BF which he then couldn't attend because he couldn't offend her by not accepting the tickets. I couldn't go with him either because I had nobody to leave DS with. BF didn't want to go because he hated the man in the show. Further to that.. the show was in Newcastle and we live near Leeds.

Anyways, he couldn't tell her he didn't want to go, so at the end decided to lie to her and say he had been to the show. Then a few hours later he rang me to say he was feeling ill and couldn't come to the party anyway. No idea if he went to the show instead.

Today is their DS birthday and she organised for them to go to Liverpool to watch a show, I was not invited but understood that it is a special date and that it was the correct thing for BF to go on his own with her... until she asked him to come to her house at 6:30 AM as the child wouldn't wait to open his birthday presents.

Obviously, I'm not happy about this, nor was BF. He told her he had plans to see me the night before and that it wasn't fair to be asked to be there at 6:30 in a sunday. But she was adamant he had to be there. At the end he decided to compromise, by going at 7:45. Meaning all the plans we had for Sunday morning had to be ditched despite the fact we had hardly seen each other for a month.

I had a nightmare with my ex MIL and ex SIL as they were calling the shots all the time and my exh was too weak to fight our corner. I felt it was all coming back so I have walked out of his house in the middle of the night telling him I couldn't bear going through the same again.

Am I unreasonable to think the relationship is over?

It seems, tbh, to be a bit of a silly thing to end your relationship, assuming that everything else is OK between you.

The issue here, though, is how your BF is dealing with his ex. Either she calls the shots or she doesn't. He doesn't have to put up with it! Why on earth would he go to a show that featured someone he doesn't like? He should have not accepted the tickets rather than just pretend he had been.

Why is he worried about upsetting her? As long as he's not deliberately trying to provoke her, the way in which she chooses to react to him is her choice.

You need to sit down with him and talk about this, in a non-confrontational way. Your BF needs to make it clear to you as well as to his ex that he is committed to your relationship.

They a DS together?
How old is he?
What are the parenting arrangements?
How long have they been separated? How long were they together?

Depending on the age of his ds I don't think it's unreasonable for your bf to get to his son's house early to see him open his presents. It would be more unreasonable to expect a child to wait on his own birthday to open his presents IMO. 6.30 is early in the morning, but it is his birthday and I would want to be there for my child if it was me. Having a nice lie-in with you or whatever your plans were shouldn't really be his priority. I wouldn't want to be with a man who chose me over his child so to think about ending your relationship because of that seems a bit of an over-reaction.

The whole show thing does sound a bit weird though. Your bf should have just told her that he had plans or that he hated the bloke, it's not like his ex is his elderly aunt that he doesn't want to upset.

YABU about the 6.30am on his birthday. Kids get up early on special days and if his DS wants his daddy there, then you should understand. Unfortunately once kids are involved, 'your space' (especially on his kids birthdays) comes second place.

Am on the fence re. the rest of the stuff...the no show at his surprise birthday does sound odd...more detail required...

TBH, I'm thinking "tough, get on with it." If you don't want these hassles, don't go out with someone who has a child.

There doesn't seem to be a clear enough line between his roles as father and ex partner.
So as a father, he should do what is best for his son, including turning up at Godknowswhat hour to see his son open presents.
But his own birthday is his own time and choice and is no longer under ex partner's direction.
he needs to lay down some guidelines, and email/post them to her so he is calm and rational about what you both want and need.
It sounds as if your partner is going to break under the strain.

yanbu, but someone needs to lay ground rules.

Sorry, but I completely fail to understand the "aw, he wants to open his presents at 6,30 am, Daddy must be there" thing. WTF is that all about?

If she is his ex why is she buying him anything for his birthday... let alone tickets to a show that a) he doesnt like/want b)Is 90 miles away c) that I presume she went to aswell?

The getting up early thing is a bit of a ball ache - depending on age of child.

The tickets/birthday thing is just plain weird and would set alarm bells ringing in my head BIG style

Why is his Ex partner buying him a birthday present? Does he buy presents for her birthday?

Are you sure he's not still sleeping with his EX?

His son and birthday is fine, I'm sure all dcs would like their parents around to open presents.

Everything else is just weird.

Reality check - these two parents are DIVORCED. It is not reasonable to ask the Dad to visit at 6.30am! when would he have to get up?
Especially as the resident parent can manipulate when the child opens its presents anyway.

I've got a mixture of reactions here. To an extent, when there's a child involved you have to accept that he comes first - maybe it would have been wise to leave him free for the whole weekend to do whatever was suggested in this case?

However, even if the DS wants to get up at 6.30 to open his presents, that doesn't mean your DP has to be there - he could have brought his present along later, and seen the others already open, or delivered the present beforehand to avoid delay.

The DP birthday tickets thing is where she definitely oversteps the mark - she should have assumed that he would have plans for his birthday with new partner. I think it's strange that the two of them would go out to a show together, when they don't seem to be friends and are no longer partners, and even if they did then not on the actual birthday.

It sounds like she still thinks of him as "hers" and unless he draws up some boundaries this is only going to get messier.

He needs to decide, in discussion with you, which aspects need to be addressed now that he has a new partner as well.

all too weird

a few things
not many men have a good word to say about their ex ime only ime before you all jump on me
people do what they want to generally so I'd bear that in mind
why is his ex buying gifts?
what do you mean you don't know if he went to the show?
You obviously knew he was leaving for 6.30 last night...why did you go to his if you were unhappy with that situation? Why leave in the middle of the night?

sometimes if there is a consistent thread running through your relationships you need to consider what the constant is....you
Are you controlling?
Do you enjoy over the top behaviour?

I know that might sound harsh but my bestf is like this with her men, wants everything her own way anything less is a slight and massive show downs abound, surrounding the slightest things

The ex has become increasingly friendly since she ended with her fiance back in August. At the time he even went to stay at her house as she was scared of the reactions of that man. Now, I don't think she is wanting him back because as far as I know she has been dating someone else since 2 weeks after breaking with the fiance.

We both have children from our previous partners. My son is very attached to him and feels very disappointed when he doesn't get to see him, hence why I was a bit when he couldn't come to surprise party, even when I had to tell him about the party, as he was by then looking for someone at work who may go with him so the tickets wouldn't be wasted. When he knew about the party, he said he didn't want to spend his 40th birthday night sitting in a theatre so far away on his own watching a man his exwife loved but he detested. And said he would tell her he had been not to upset her and come to the party. As I said, he rang hours later to say he couldn't come anyway as he was feeling unwell. As he was happy to lie to her to keep the peace, I'm not sure I have been lied to in order to keep that peace too.

Now, regarding the birthday. Yes, the child is 4, I understand for my BF to be there at the early hours on Christmas day. But having a child myself of a similar age and an exh who is now living with another woman, I can't imagine demanding my exh to to be here at 6:30 am because DS couldn't wait to open his presents. In any case, he could open the gifts that were already at home if he couldn't wait, and have a second gift opening bout when his father shows up, at a more reasonable hour, with the second set of gifts from his new family, I would also understand if my exh wanted to show around with his new partner and his new stepson as they are my DS new family too.

In any case, the relationship may be over anyway, asI have not even had a single text to ask if I arrived OK (it is an hour drive from his house to mine)

She wants him back.

She is still buying him presents. She wants to spend as much time with him as possible by having him there at the earliest possible moment in the day (birthday present giving) and she has the MIL and SIL on the case to support her - whether they know it or not.

This whole scenario smacks of it to me - having seen it many times before with other people. When a woman wants an ex partner back logic flies out the window. It also sounds like your BF has not fully "detached" from his ex emotionally.

Well I would be planning Christmas right now. Perhaps you could have his DS over after lunch and then the mucky boy will have two lots of opening presents, assuming your BF has bought him stuff on his own?

I'm sorry but I'm very suspicious of all this tbh. I don't know may people that would buy their ex a present that would involve all going out together like that.

It's just all a bit off. He has to stay civil with her for the sake of the dc - that I understand - but why is he not telling her to piss off with regards to the rest of it?

All very strange

What are the parenting arrangements ie what time does the child spend with his dad in dads home. Are there any overnight stays?
I am a step mum btw
My initial thoughts are his ex has control and boundary issues.
It might be worth posting on the step parenting forum to get advice from other step parents also.

No, no, the MIL and SIL I was talking about were mine. I had a horrendous time with my ex MIL and ex SIL ruling what exh and I did with our time, vetting all our choices and even... showing up at hour house in he earl hours of the morning.

Seeing his ex acting just like my ex inlaws did, and my BF acting as cowardly as my exh did, set me in a right panic. The damage done by former ILs was so bad I hat to attend counseling for it (when my exh finally decided to stand his groundmy exMIL got in a fit that I had to lock myself and DS in the bathroom to avoid being bitten by her, so is not simple things I have been hurt about). The simple thought of having another woman being the first woman in my own relationship fills me with dread.

"beaten by her" rather than "bitten by her", damn, she was a right one but she wouldn't bite.

Bitten by her?

Sorry

come on now

you knew he had agreed to go and see his son at 6.30 (rightly or wrongly)
you went to his house threw a strop and left because of a situation you were already aware of
you are placing import upon his not chasing after you even though you know he is at his son's birthday

do you see how it could seem as though you are trying to create a circus over nothing?

lay clear ground rules with him by all means but not like this....

Yes, there are over night stays and his arrangements are practically identical to mine in terms of weekends. He also has his child one night during the week, as my exh do, but in different days.

Mongolia - That is the whole issue. It is down to your BF to set the boundaries with his ex and if he does not then you have to question why not.

Even if there is an ex in the scene the new partner most certainly should not take second place. If that is the case why did they bother splitting in the first place?

All you can do just now is let him know what you expect from your relationship with him and it is then down to him to manage his own "stuff". You should continue to make your plans etc for your DS and family for christmas and if he joins you then all the better.