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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my partner ex is invading our space by asking him to be at her house at 6:30 am?

99 replies

Mongolia · 06/12/2009 04:06

As far as I have been informed my BF's ex was a bully beyond belief before ending the relationship with BF. BF is still very much afraid of "upseting" her.

Last week, for BF's birthday, she got him a couple of tickets for a show. Problem was that she booked the tickets for the exact date of his birthday, ignoring the fact that we may already had other plans for the day.

DS and I had planned a surprise party for BF which he then couldn't attend because he couldn't offend her by not accepting the tickets. I couldn't go with him either because I had nobody to leave DS with. BF didn't want to go because he hated the man in the show. Further to that.. the show was in Newcastle and we live near Leeds.

Anyways, he couldn't tell her he didn't want to go, so at the end decided to lie to her and say he had been to the show. Then a few hours later he rang me to say he was feeling ill and couldn't come to the party anyway. No idea if he went to the show instead.

Today is their DS birthday and she organised for them to go to Liverpool to watch a show, I was not invited but understood that it is a special date and that it was the correct thing for BF to go on his own with her... until she asked him to come to her house at 6:30 AM as the child wouldn't wait to open his birthday presents.

Obviously, I'm not happy about this, nor was BF. He told her he had plans to see me the night before and that it wasn't fair to be asked to be there at 6:30 in a sunday. But she was adamant he had to be there. At the end he decided to compromise, by going at 7:45. Meaning all the plans we had for Sunday morning had to be ditched despite the fact we had hardly seen each other for a month.

I had a nightmare with my ex MIL and ex SIL as they were calling the shots all the time and my exh was too weak to fight our corner. I felt it was all coming back so I have walked out of his house in the middle of the night telling him I couldn't bear going through the same again.

Am I unreasonable to think the relationship is over?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mongolia · 06/12/2009 17:52

No, I'm proud of him. Actually, apart of having a blind eye for the exwife actions, this boyfriend has very much the same ethics as my father. However, I think my father was stronger on keeping his ground.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 06/12/2009 17:56

Perhaps ask your bf whether he really wants his ex controlling the rest of his life and staying single because no-one would (should?) but up with it tbh.

AuntyMartha · 06/12/2009 18:07

Have you booked somewhere to go on Christmas evening?

AuntyMartha · 06/12/2009 18:07

christmas eve and day

Original poster

Mongolia · 06/12/2009 18:08

Will do. if he contacts me again...

OP posts:

AuntyMartha · 06/12/2009 18:12

Where are you off too?
Book now, do something that you both can look forward to
maybe stay with a mate?

Original poster

Mongolia · 06/12/2009 18:22

That is a good idea, perhaps I can take him to some of the attractions of the city we are departing from, stay overnight (including nice early dinner at hotel) and then go away the next day.

OP posts:

AuntyMartha · 06/12/2009 19:27

so you are going away?
it will be great for lyu NOT to hang around- let him have the space to be with his child, and the space to work out what he wants. Don't ahssle him, and have fun

where are you going?

FabIsVeryHappy · 06/12/2009 19:30

Why is his ex buying him presents?

Original poster

Mongolia · 06/12/2009 20:55

I would rather not say where I am going as I would out myself big time. But yes, I'm looking forward to it but sorry DS and I will be alone on the important dates.

We spend yesterday doing his christmas shopping, very concerned about choosing the right gift for the ex which certainly was one of the most expensive

The phone is still silent and I can't bear it anymore

off to bed.

OP posts:

Fruitysunshine · 06/12/2009 21:04

Sorry - is HE buying a gift for his ex??

Why?

AuntyMartha · 06/12/2009 21:15

sorry - but you are going away
and you should really try and be with people on the 25th - mates?

Brunettelady · 06/12/2009 21:59

Ok, I have been following the thread and now I have to comment. WTF is he buying his ex a gift for? She shouldn't be buying him anything (the 'its from his son thing' I don't buy that, she would have been in control of that, the son could have got a dad mug or something).

He may want to keep everyone happy but it seems to be at the cost of your happiness. How awful to be 'slotted in' at xmas. They are EX's. He shouldn't have to go around there for santas snack etc. When my dad split from his ex, the DCs spend the morning with their mum, the afternoon with their dad and get extra presents later in the day. He only needs to go around o pick up his son and drop him off. Other times he needs to tell her to do one. It sounds to me as if there may be something going on, or she is really trying to get him back.

Obviously its totally your choice but I wouldn't waste my time on someone who thought so little of my own feelings and clearly thought a lot more of his ex's feelings. Especially cancelling on the party that you had organised. He must have gone to that show.

Lets us know how it turns out.

2rebecca · 06/12/2009 22:50

If their kid is still young then getting their early to open presents is OK, although if a weekend I'd have thought a parent could keep the kid busy until 8am, after all if a week day I presume they wouldn't both be there on a morning and the non res parent would just see the child later.
Her still buying your boyfriend a present and him chosing to go out with her rather than with you is a problem.
I'm happy to share a man with their child and let the child come first, but not the ex.
I expect to be the main woman in their life.
My ex and I had Christmas morning together with our kids the first couple of years, after that we admitted it didn't work and he had them one week and me the next.

Original poster

Mongolia · 07/12/2009 10:32

Ok, he rang last night and we had a very serious talk about the subject. He found it extreme that I have decided to leave his house at midnight for that and felt that it was me who should apologise. He also thought she was just trying to be nice by getting the tickets and was thinking on their child best interests by demanding him to be here and there at unreasonable hours of the day.

So, I explained again how frustrating it was to see him acting exactly as my ex when my ex inlaws over stepped the mark. That I understood about putting the child first (I would do the same) but not to use the child to blackmail the parent. That asking him to be there at unreasonable hours was showing a deep issue of control and lack of boundaries that need to be tackled on. And that if he couldn't understand that, perhaps he needed another woman who could help him see the light because I had already 10 years of doing that for my ex and ultimately that was what ruined the marriage. So to save myself further damage I would rather end it there than years down the line.

So, in a nutshell, he understands now why I left the house, and will put more attention on how the demands of the ex affect the little time we spend together before agreeing to do whatever she asks for, more so now, that the exwife has changed all the plans for Christmas and no longer wants him to do the carrot and the shoes thing on Christmas eve with their son because her boyfriend will be there.

When I mentioned about doing things with DS on my own and going to a hotel because I didn't want for DS and I to feel as if we were imposing ourselves and making more difficult his already busy schedule, he said the most important person to spend Christmas was me, I remain unconvinced... may still book the hotel, at the end of the day he only slotted us in, a few weeks ago, because I made a fuss about how "secondary" we seemed to be in his life. But it still seems to me that that remain the case.

So, we are still at it, I guess I will wait and see for another couple of months to see if there is really a change but if there isn't, that's it. Someway this relationship sounds like an ideal pair of shoes that no matter how perfect they are, the fit is not quite right.

OP posts:

AuntyMartha · 07/12/2009 13:36

I wouod still make plans to go away for Christmas , without making him feel guilty. I wouod also go to a mates rqther than a hotel - perhaps someone with a child too?

Original poster

Mongolia · 07/12/2009 14:02

Yes, the problem is that i and most of my friends live more than an hour away of the airport, while BF lives around 1/2 hour away.

If he is not working on the 24th I would ask him if he wants to join us in visiting the city, he will then have the afternoon/evening free for his own commitments and DS and I would be already staying in the airport grounds so it may work easier for all of us and less of a hassle with DS considering we have to be at the airport in the morning.(as a side info I can say DS finds staying n a hotel soooo attractive, I normally have problems to convince him that the best part of the trip is having a look at the local attractions rather than having a go at the hotel's gadgets)

BF has said he is not having us staying in a hotel on that night but to be honest, I have felt as if I had to fight myself into that schedule, and that maybe, just maybe, he is more open to spend the time with us now because the darn ex doesn't want him there anymore.

I suspect we have a lot to learn from this experience.

OP posts:

AuntyMartha · 07/12/2009 14:10

so you are going away on christmas day anyway? abroad

staying in a hotel wil be fab, how old is ds?

Original poster

Mongolia · 18/12/2009 12:32

* *

SO... I thought it was sorted... we are back to square one...

We said we would spend Christmas eve together, that we would stay at his house, pop out to visit his mum for half an hour (she is in hospital at the moment but maybe coming out next week), etc.

I ranged him yesterday to finalise some details, thinking on what to buy to have a slightly special dinner on Christmas eve after we came back from his mum. He insisted he was not having DS and I spending Christmas eve at a hotel, and that we were to stay at his house and he would take us to the airport in the morning.

YEsterday I have been told that he doesn't know yet what he will be doing and doesn't want to make plans yet. He also said he doesn't want DS coming to hospital or his mother's with us (DS has been in hospital so many times both as a patient and a visitor that he knows how to behave there, and is not shocked by medical equipment -although there is nothing really shocking in that ward). So he has said that he doesn't know what he is doing but may pop in to see us once she goes to visit his grandmother and later his mum after he finished work at 6:00. That means that the earliest he would be able to see us would be 9:30 to 10:00 pm, lovely! particularly when DS is supposed to be in bed far earlier than we planned as if we stay in my house we need to leave for the airport at 5:30 am.

I believe that is important for him to see his family, they need him. I have told him how important it is for him so see his mum and grandmother in CHristmas eve, and also that considering he would need to drive all the way to my city after that, and that we would therefore need to leave earlier for the airport that perhaps is a better thing if we don't meet in Christmas eve. I certainly feel as if I am threading on his feet or fighting our way in into his plans.

He is feeling offended now, has said he won't see his family. I have said that they need him and insisted that I will find something for ds and i to do and make my way to the airport. He is not having it but is very angry... I'm totally disenchanted with the relationship but I don't want to finish it just yet... maybe more for him than for me, he seems to have too much in his plate and I don't want to add to it by ending it just before Christmas.

Wish somebody could tell me what to do, on one hand I don't see this relationship going anywhere no matter how much he says he loves me and that no one would love me like he does , but should I wait to end it until I come back and perhaps have some time to think about it while I am away?

OP posts:

Heqet · 18/12/2009 12:43

Seems to me you are supposed to take whatever crumbs he offers you and be thankful. I'd say walk away.

but it's easy to say that, when you have no feelings for the person, I know.

It just seems you are supposed to be around when he can fit you in and fall at his feet with gratititude, never complain or ask for more. I can't see how it's worth it, tbh.

coldtits · 18/12/2009 12:49

Sunday morning was his son's birthday, right? Why is it unreasonable for him to expect his daddy to turn up at some point, and not make plans with his girlfriend instead?

coldtits · 18/12/2009 12:54

His mum's in hospital , maybe over Christmas but nothing is sure.

he has a child with what sounds like a woman who wants him around at her beck and call

he does have a LOT going on. It's up to you whether you accept what he has left over, and accept that he cannot make finalised concrete plans with you because he has obligations to other people, , but I doubt he is doing it on purpose. He csounds very stretched, and very stressed, and actually I feel sorry for the bloke.

StrictlyKatty · 18/12/2009 13:18

I do feel sorry for him but it doesn't seem like he's right for you. He will never put you first as he has a child and I think that's what you need after your Ex.

I'd leave now, better that than your DS having a crappy time with a man constantly looking at the clock

Original poster

Mongolia · 18/12/2009 13:43

I don't see a problem with him having a child but on how he prioritises things, it is not about being first in the queue all time but about getting the right balance for it to work for every one.

In the past I have been with another man who had kids from a previous marriage. We were an item, we worked as a team, the exW gave us space and we obviously respected hers but were there for each other if it was needed I have even babysitted for her, I loved those children, and I think they loved me to. DS got very attached to them and visceversa, they were all treated like equals, so it is not as if I were cinderella's step mum.

Here, in the other hand, I feel as if I'm treated as a secondary addition to the family... sometimes I get the impression he doesn't even want us around his son

OP posts:

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