Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my partner ex is invading our space by asking him to be at her house at 6:30 am?

99 replies

Mongolia · 06/12/2009 04:06

As far as I have been informed my BF's ex was a bully beyond belief before ending the relationship with BF. BF is still very much afraid of "upseting" her.

Last week, for BF's birthday, she got him a couple of tickets for a show. Problem was that she booked the tickets for the exact date of his birthday, ignoring the fact that we may already had other plans for the day.

DS and I had planned a surprise party for BF which he then couldn't attend because he couldn't offend her by not accepting the tickets. I couldn't go with him either because I had nobody to leave DS with. BF didn't want to go because he hated the man in the show. Further to that.. the show was in Newcastle and we live near Leeds.

Anyways, he couldn't tell her he didn't want to go, so at the end decided to lie to her and say he had been to the show. Then a few hours later he rang me to say he was feeling ill and couldn't come to the party anyway. No idea if he went to the show instead.

Today is their DS birthday and she organised for them to go to Liverpool to watch a show, I was not invited but understood that it is a special date and that it was the correct thing for BF to go on his own with her... until she asked him to come to her house at 6:30 AM as the child wouldn't wait to open his birthday presents.

Obviously, I'm not happy about this, nor was BF. He told her he had plans to see me the night before and that it wasn't fair to be asked to be there at 6:30 in a sunday. But she was adamant he had to be there. At the end he decided to compromise, by going at 7:45. Meaning all the plans we had for Sunday morning had to be ditched despite the fact we had hardly seen each other for a month.

I had a nightmare with my ex MIL and ex SIL as they were calling the shots all the time and my exh was too weak to fight our corner. I felt it was all coming back so I have walked out of his house in the middle of the night telling him I couldn't bear going through the same again.

Am I unreasonable to think the relationship is over?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 10:25

No, I was already at his house, we already had plans for the weekend which involved him spending Sunday afternoon and evening with his ex and child (which, I insist, I didn't mind), then she informed him he was expected at 6:30am next day or else.

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 06/12/2009 10:30

But that is still the point. His ex expected him at 6.30am and it was down to him to say "no" quite firmly. It all has to come from him without pushing and nudging. He has to know 100% what he wants. Thousands of people can do this with ex partners. It does not have to be difficult. It is only difficult if people are not 100% of what they want then ambiguity sets in.

You also have to bear in mind that if the ex believes that she can influence him then she will. You cannot blame her for taking advantage of opportunities if she believes they are there.

I am a first wife, second wife and step mum. Having dealt with my husband's affair and his OW and my DH's EXW I have seen lots of strange nasty behaviour. The only thing that is certain is your own behaviour. If he makes it clear to her W

Fruitysunshine · 06/12/2009 10:31

continued

when he is available then she will get the message.

Ronaldinhio · 06/12/2009 10:31

what a great post fruity

spicemonster · 06/12/2009 10:38

She is not treating your relationship with your partner with any respect. And by your DP acceding to her every demand, he is effectively telling her that she's right and you're really not that important to him.

I don't know if that's because he's scared of her or if he really doesn't value your relationship that much but either way, I think you need to get this sorted pronto.

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 10:41

Exactly, I totally agree with you. It is not what she does, it is how he reacts to her unreasonable demands.

And perhaps it is up to me how do I react to BF's choices. And from what I can see, it is going to hurt like hell (I'm a bit surprised I'm not hurting already) but this is an issue I'm not going to compromise on. I don't accept for us to be at the whim of another woman, I don't accept to have to lie in order not to upset her because BF is not being obedient to her requests. I'm not having another woman ruling our life and a BF being fine with it.

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 06/12/2009 10:44

Mongolia - that is the best stand you can take for you and your DS. You are not 2nd best to anyone, nor your son and if you are able to make the stand for yourself then more power to you.

Being strong and having self-respect is what you need in any relationship.

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 10:46

Spicemonster, having seen my BF shaking like a leaf when she gets in a mood I think he is really scared of her.

Now, after my very strong statement last night, before I took my things and head for the door saying I was not having any of that again... he may be wondering if I am like her...

OP posts:
Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 10:48

Disclaimer... I'm not one to get annoyed, and much less so one that would have strops. This would be the first my BF had seen me angry.

OP posts:
Dirtgirl · 06/12/2009 10:49

I'm with ElenorRigby on the controlling issues. It sounds like your BF is letting his ex control him and he needs to set some parameters to allow you all to be able to know where you stand.

I'm a bit about the tickets on his birthday thing. WTF is his ex buying him an expensive birthday present for? Especially making sure it will mean he's away from you on his birthday. Sounds like she either wants him back or she's just trying mess with your relationship.

As far as I'm concerned, the 6.30 thing is silly. I'd never expect that. As long as he makes sure he spends some special time with his DS on his birthday why does his DS need him to be there at 6.30. Kids need to learn they can't get their own way all the time. I'm sure this is just the ex stirring again.

So I seem to be agreeing with you. YANBU. Unfortunately there will probably be massive ructions if your BF does stand his ground. Controlling people don't generally give up without a fight.

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 10:49

Thank you Fruitysunshine. I really needed some reassurance.

OP posts:
spicemonster · 06/12/2009 10:50

But you're not! There is a huge difference between telling what he has to do/where he has to be and being clear about your boundaries as to what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. Have a kind chat with him later maybe. Calm and not angry but being very clear that if you are going to build a future together and this woman is the mother of your DP's child, his interraction with her affects all of you. It sounds like you're handling it really well btw.

nighbynight · 06/12/2009 10:52

the thing is, it takes some people time to recognise that unreasonable demands are being made, and to react to them. Not everyone can stand up for themselves easily.

IMO, things happening at strange times of day, is a strong warning signal that someone's being unreasonable. My ex used to bully us by turning up without warning in the middle of the night, and expecting to be let in. When I finally said "enough, no more", he smashed the windows.

As he was there in the evening, and she wanted him there at 6.30 am the following morning, the obvious conclusion is that it would be easier for him to stay the night.

Fruitysunshine · 06/12/2009 10:52

He is not wondering if you are like her - he is thinking "how do I get things back to how they were?" That was was easier for him, you not REALLY contesting him sitting on the fence too much.

You are not being unreasonable. You are trying to resolve issues within your relationship. When we make decisions that move us outside our comfort zone it is natural to question our behaviour. We are looking for a reason to move back into our comfort zone - however I think the most life changing decisions are the most difficult ones. You want to change your life then a decision has to be made. Either you accept his indifference to your feelings or you don't.

I don't envy your position at all. It is horrible, especially at this time of the year.

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 11:13

Dirtgirl, they may not be massive reactions... his silence makes me think he has already chosen whose demands to follow.

However, I do think I can not back track on this. As backtracking on these things was exactly what led to my previous marriage failing. And that may be stupid of me, as I'm allowing my past to run my present, but the sole thought of him thinking that it is not that bad, just because I came back to talk about it, makes me think the previous patterns are back in use.

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 06/12/2009 11:17

Write a list. A column of good things of the relationship and a column of things you don't like about the relationship and make a structured move/decision from there. You already know you are unhappy. So you have nothing to lose REALLY. You have the ability to be true to yourself and gain the control of your own life.

Good luck Mongolia.

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 11:21

As for Christmas, BF was having a though time trying to fit DS and I in his plans with this woman. Basically we couldn't meet in Christmas Eve or Christmas morning because he needed to go to her house to prepare the things for santa with his son (you know, the carrots in the shoes and all the other paraphernalia), he needed to be back at her house at 7 at the latest to open the presents with them and he expected to be invited to have Christmas lunch with them.

I have no family in the UK, this meant DS and I were going to spend all the Christmas celebrations on our own. So I questioned, how come, if I'm really the love of his life, if he really wanted to be with me forever and I was the best thing it ever happened to him, DS and I would be left completely out at this important time. He compromised by fitting DS and I in in the schedule between 8:30 in Christmas eve to 7 am when he has to leave. I respect he has to be there for his son FIRST, but can't stop myself thinking that if the woman decides she wants her new BF there at the same time, she won't want her exh there at the same time or at the early hours of the morning...

Time to re arrange everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 11:24

Will do the list. But the fact that I'm not feeling devastated yet at the whole situation makes me think that my decision is already taken or... that I'm still in shock!

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 06/12/2009 11:33

I think your reaction says it all really.....perhaps it is not as big a loss as you fear it may be....

It is a HUGE strain on any solid relationship to get involved with a man who has an ex and children.

Nancy66 · 06/12/2009 11:44

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 11:48

Yes, it is a huge strain, but I think still worth it, I believe that a man who has already his own chlildren it is somewhat more likely to understand your own child/ren and responsibilities that come with being a single mum.

Thank you all, I will let you know how the things develop (if they do, at the moment I suspect he won't call back...)

OP posts:
Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 11:49

About a year.

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 06/12/2009 11:52

Honestly? It reads as though the ex wants him back and that he isn't entirely resistant to that.

I would cut your losses and end things.

nighbynight · 06/12/2009 13:06

good luck, mongolia.
I must admit, I wouldn't fit comfortably into this situation. Ex and I have an arrangement whereby when the children are with me, we do stuff together, and when they are with him, they do stuff with him. I thought this was normal in divorced families, actually.
We don't have this sort of "I am doing Santa, so you need to be here at 10 pm to help" kind of thing, because we are divorced.

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 13:36

I'm all in favour of amicable relationships but this doesn't seem very amicable to me... at least not towards me or DS.

Perhaps he just doesn't have time for me and DS, a pity really, as it was going so well...

OP posts: