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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my partner ex is invading our space by asking him to be at her house at 6:30 am?

99 replies

Mongolia · 06/12/2009 04:06

As far as I have been informed my BF's ex was a bully beyond belief before ending the relationship with BF. BF is still very much afraid of "upseting" her.

Last week, for BF's birthday, she got him a couple of tickets for a show. Problem was that she booked the tickets for the exact date of his birthday, ignoring the fact that we may already had other plans for the day.

DS and I had planned a surprise party for BF which he then couldn't attend because he couldn't offend her by not accepting the tickets. I couldn't go with him either because I had nobody to leave DS with. BF didn't want to go because he hated the man in the show. Further to that.. the show was in Newcastle and we live near Leeds.

Anyways, he couldn't tell her he didn't want to go, so at the end decided to lie to her and say he had been to the show. Then a few hours later he rang me to say he was feeling ill and couldn't come to the party anyway. No idea if he went to the show instead.

Today is their DS birthday and she organised for them to go to Liverpool to watch a show, I was not invited but understood that it is a special date and that it was the correct thing for BF to go on his own with her... until she asked him to come to her house at 6:30 AM as the child wouldn't wait to open his birthday presents.

Obviously, I'm not happy about this, nor was BF. He told her he had plans to see me the night before and that it wasn't fair to be asked to be there at 6:30 in a sunday. But she was adamant he had to be there. At the end he decided to compromise, by going at 7:45. Meaning all the plans we had for Sunday morning had to be ditched despite the fact we had hardly seen each other for a month.

I had a nightmare with my ex MIL and ex SIL as they were calling the shots all the time and my exh was too weak to fight our corner. I felt it was all coming back so I have walked out of his house in the middle of the night telling him I couldn't bear going through the same again.

Am I unreasonable to think the relationship is over?

OP posts:
MollieO · 06/12/2009 14:11

So your ds, whom you say is fond of your bf, will see him when over Christmas? If your bf is with you from 8.30pm Christmas eve to 7am Christmas day there is a good chance he won't see him at all unless he stays up late or wakes up early.

I would not be happy if my bf spent Christmas with his ex. Going over Christmas day morning should more than suffice imo. You are being treated as the OW in your bf's relationship with his ex and that isn't right. There seems to be a total lack of respect by him to you.

Personally I would be calling it a day but I appreciate it is very easy to be objective when you aren't directly involved.

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 15:24

Irrspective of us talking or not, I have decided today I'm not spending Christmas with him. I'm not going to be treated as this.

I'm taking DS away for the night, and I had already booked some time away from the 25th as I knew, long ago, he didn't care about spending time with us on that day.

The phone is still silent, so I suppose if I am called would be, after they have dinner together, after he put his son to sleep, after he watches X factor and then just then, he may have some time for me...

Now I'm feeling hurt...

OP posts:
MollieO · 06/12/2009 15:27

Sounds like you know what to do. It is hard dating when you have young children. I know if I was in your position and my ds was fond of my bf I would feel even more devastated. In the long run it will be for the best. If things are like this after only a year then I doubt they are going to get any better.

sosoembarrassed · 06/12/2009 16:16

My ex-fiance was like your dp.

I am now married to someone else.. THANKFULLY.

He on the other hand is about to re-marry his ex-wife.

Make of that what you will.

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 16:24

Thank you, glad you managed to sort it on time. I didn't and as a result my previous marriage was HELL. So, I'm not going into that again.

I am now wondering how long should I leave before assuming he won't ring and post his keys back (only got them yesterday, so already a bad sign ;()

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 06/12/2009 16:29

It depends. Have you made the decision the relationship is over? If so you can post his keys back whenever you want to.

However, are you waiting for him to contact you to see if he and you can get past this?

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 16:31

My head says option 1, heart on the other hand wants to wait and see...

OP posts:
Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 16:36

1 day? 2 days? was meant to come tomorrow to help DS set the Christmas tree but the thought of us ending it tomorrow makes me think I better cancel it. I don't want DS to remember him as the guy who put the Christmas tree up and never returned.

Ok, it is hurting now, argh!!

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 06/12/2009 16:36

I think you need to take things one day at a time. Part of me thinks you really want him to stop you ending the relationship but your head is talking sense.

You have to do what is right for you, after all, you have to live with your choices.

Not easy, granted. I am glad you have made plans for you and your son at christmas. You will enjoy it better and be less stressed.

Oblomov · 06/12/2009 16:44

Fruity, great post.
Is your bf the type that lets lots of people treat him like this ? Or just her ?

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 16:46

I am afraid that is not only her... he has a good heart... wants to keep everyone happy...

But of all the people, he seems to find his ex as the most difficult person to say no to.

OP posts:
Oblomov · 06/12/2009 16:50

"I kmow you always liked him (tickets for show), but to be honest I was never that keen".
I.e. , I don't want to go.
Come on. Its not that hard.

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 16:58

Exactly, or simply say something like "Oh sorry, we have plans already" but then she went on on how expensive the tickets were and that it was also a gift from his son

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 06/12/2009 17:02

Mongolia - I think the most important thing in his thinking is the part you have left until now...that he gift is from his son.

Now we all know that his son would not go out and buy these tickets himself, or whether he even had any input into it, but it does put him in a difficult position if his son is expecting to see his dad acknowledge a present that he has bought his dad.

I really do believe it changes everything - we have had this in the past with Dh's and gifts bought for him by her and he has gone with the flow for the sake of his sons happiness - quite rightly so.

Have you discussed that aspect of his thinking?

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 17:05

No, he wasn't seeing the child. I think they needed to be picked up at the theatre.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 17:07

Obviously, if he was meant to see the child I would have understood (I have got angry about exh not acknowledging DS' effort an input in some gifts, so definitively, I would have put the child first if that was the case).

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 06/12/2009 17:07

I realise that- but the fact he "believed" they could have been from his child is enough to perhaps make him feel guilty if he did not accept. Nothing to do with being under his ex's control if he genuinely believed they could be from his son, or that his son had the slightest inkling daddy was getting tickets from him.

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 17:13

Yes, perhaps you are right. However, is it ok to blackmail the dad in behaf of the children? I doubt the child had much input in selecting the show or more to the point, the day when daddy needed to attend it.

Would you do something like that to your ex? when I was in better terms with mine I could have thought of many things he may enjoy with his new partner (I had already their wedding gift on mind which was a stay at wonderful hotel that has a magnificent spa and a wonderful golf course), however... I would have asked first if it was ok, or would have give them a voucher with an open day, rather than booking them on D day. Would you agree?

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 06/12/2009 17:17

I totally agree with you and no, it is not okay to blackmail any parent using their own children. There are thousands of parents who do it every day usually to the detriment of the child if one parent does not comply with the others demands. But until he works out 100% what/who he wants to be with then this kind of thing will continue to happen.

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 17:23

Yes, you are right...

Gosh, and the silence doesn't look good.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 06/12/2009 17:25

I get on really well with my ex however I have NEVER insisted on him being anywhere at x time. It is ALWAYS a discussion. What would you like to do on dds birthiday, what are your plans for Christmas, we'd like to do this how can we fit in dd seeing you etc etc etc

I buy my ex thoughtful gifts of things he would like. Why is his ex incapable of putting carrots & milk out on her own for Santa ? All of that ended when we split.

Yes he comes in for cups of tea, yes we will jjointly do birthday parties, parents evenings, school plays etc etc not a problem at all. He does his Christmas preps with dd at his place we do ours here. We split when dd was just 3.

Perhaps you should explore with a counsellor why you keep picking the same type of man? One who is incapable of saying no?

HTH

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 17:30

Yes, I definitively need a counselor to beat some sense into me!!! (not being sarcastic here, but yes, I have wondered all the time why do I end up with men who couldn't say no?)

OP posts:
CarGirl · 06/12/2009 17:36

Possibly because you father was like that?

Original poster
Mongolia · 06/12/2009 17:46

My father!! PWAR! no, never, my father ALWAYS stood his ground for his family. He knows how to say no so well, that he would happily land us all into trouble if he thought that something he was being demanded to do was not appropiate. He is a man of principle IYWIM

But, perhaps, that makes me a bit more sensitive to the issue. My father wouldn't have put with something like this, neither would I have put boyfriend through something like this, hence why I find it so unreasonable to find myself put into such situation.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 06/12/2009 17:49

Perhaps you are actively seeking someone the opposite who won't embarrass you by being a man of principle at ANY cost?