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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel hurt that my DP wants to freeze some sperm before having the snip?

81 replies

saladfingers · 01/12/2009 10:22

I'm 42 and he's 37. We have 4 DC, aged 11, 2 1/2, 16 months and 3 months.I've been nagging him for over a year to have a vasectomy.He agrees that our family is now complete. However he is still dragging his feet. We saw the GP and got a referral to a family planning clinic. He then needed to make an appointment for the counselling session that they like both partners to attend. But he still hasn't done even that much!

I've been trying to understand what he might be going through. I appreciate there will be some discomfort or even pain, that he fears his masculinity might decrease, that sex might be different....but last week he confessed that the reason he hasnt gone through with it yet is that he wants to freeze some of his sperm 'just in case'??

When i wanted to understand the 'just in case' senario he explained how much he loved his kids and couldn't imagine life without them, should a terrible accident happen and he lose them all he would want more!This really upset me. To think he could imagine such a terrible event and plan how he would compensate for it. I was also deeply hurt that he was probably planning to have these other kids with someone else. I felt we were ending the reproductive stage of our relationship together but it turns out he wants to keep his options open. Am i just being mean? I thought we were going into the infertile future together.

I think he's more worried that i might leave him and take the kids. His mum left his dad. I have threatened to leave during major arguements.Maybe this is all my own fault. God forbid this eventuality will ever actually happen.I just wished he'd never told me. Did i really need to know?

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 01/12/2009 10:24

Personally, I don't see the problem. I can see his point entirely.

SoupDragon · 01/12/2009 10:26

Actually, I can see why you would feel a bit hurt but he is being honest with you.

CMOTdibbler · 01/12/2009 10:26

I think he is being perfectly reasonable to do this tbh. I don't understand why more men don't bank their sperm before vasectomy

traceybath · 01/12/2009 10:26

I think he has got to want to have a vasectomy and should not be 'nagged' into having one.

Could you be sterilised perhaps?

Jeminthecellar · 01/12/2009 10:28

You could have a tubal tie?

Nettee · 01/12/2009 10:28

I don't think you need to feed hurt about this. It is an irreversable operation and he is sensible to think about the worst case senario. It is because he enjoys family life with you that he might one day - if he tragically lost all of you - want to start again with someone else. Maybe if he feels so strongly about it a vasectomy is the wrong choice for you as a couple.

My family is probably complete but I would feel very resentful if dh pressured me into being perminantly sterilised

Maybe you should have the op instead if you are more comfortable with the idea?

MakemineaGandT · 01/12/2009 10:29

I think you are being unreasonable. Perhaps you should both rethink the whole vasectomy idea - can't you just go on the pill or be sterilised yourself?

mayorquimby · 01/12/2009 10:36

seems reasonable,especially considering he is being bullied into the operation so it is probably his way of dealing with it.

Original poster

saladfingers · 01/12/2009 10:39

I have thought about being sterilised but i have 3 children under 3 at home fulltime. I'm not sure how long the recovery time would be plus the doctor tried to put me off the idea by telling me how much simpler and more effective a vasectomy was. I have spent a lot of time in hospital with my last 2 pregnancies and childcare was a nightmare. I have raised BP following 4th DC so pill not an option. Dont want coil as i have had a history of abnormal smears and colposcopy treatment for precancerous cells.I suppose i feel that my body has been through enough.

I guess if i have to keep reminding him to make the call then he's not ready. We'll just have to try to be even more careful

OP posts:

Malificence · 01/12/2009 10:39

He's being ridiculous, what a hideous thing to say - that he wants to replace his family should anything happen to them, no wonder you're upset.
If he tells the doctor what he plans to do, he would most likely not be eligible for a vasectomy anyway, not on the NHS.

Apparently though, a lot of private vasectomy "customers" do exactly that and do freeze sperm ( and eggs). It's totally defeating the object imho.

It's meant to be permanent.

It's the nicest, most unselfish thing my husband has ever done for me.

fernie3 · 01/12/2009 10:40

I think its a reasonable idea.

Original poster

saladfingers · 01/12/2009 10:41

I really didnt think i was bullying him. I thought he also felt it was the responsible thing to do.

OP posts:

Pollyanna · 01/12/2009 10:42

My dh had a similar reason - actually his was worst - he thought that if we split up or I died and he met another woman she might want children (not sure what he thought was happening to the 4 we already had).. I wasn't impressed.

Anyway, he should have gone for the snip, one accident later dc5 was born!

sprouting · 01/12/2009 10:44

He probably does think that it is the responsible thing to do but you can't always apply logic to something so emotional.

Reallytired · 01/12/2009 10:45

If he does not want the snip then I think you should respect him. What about you having the mirena coil or a hormonal injection?

So what if he does not want to be permamently infertile? There are other ways of preventing more children.

CitizenPrecious · 01/12/2009 10:46

I can just imagine the scenario-

oh noooooooooooo!

my lovely wife and our four gorgeous children have all perished in a freak accident!

what will I dooooooooo?

...oh- but hang on- I did freeze that sperm after all, I shall just go and get me some nice new ones!

Never thought I'd say this- but I'm With Malificent

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 01/12/2009 10:46

I can see why you're hurt, but I suspect these are not concrete types thoughts he's having, but it's more a genral unesiness about something so permanent, and this is his way of clumsily trying to explain that.

He needs to decide this for himeslf. Back off and let him think about it but make sure he is very clear that you will no longer be resopnsible for contraceptio.

AvrilH · 01/12/2009 10:46

he is probably not able to explain it well - it is not something rational

I don't see why you won't even try something else, like contraceptive implants?

Knownowt · 01/12/2009 10:48

I think he's being entirely reasonable- I can well see why men are bothered by the fact it's often irreversible. The idea of "replacing" your children is obviously horrible but I imagine he merely meant that noone knows what the future might hold, what situations you might find yoursleves in where you might wish you hadn't taken that step (including splitting up and finding new partners who might want children- another horrible thought). None of this is pleasant to think about, of course, but he's the one being sensible in accepting that neither of you knows the future. If noone who had a vasectomy ever regreted it, why do so many people try to reverse them?

His body, his choice. TBH it sounds as if he maybe isn't 100% the vasectomy idea and in your shoes I'd think about other options together before rushing into anything.

Morloth · 01/12/2009 10:49

Sounds like he doesn't want a vasectomy, this is his choice. How would you feel if he was nagging you to have surgery that you didn't really want?

Original poster

saladfingers · 01/12/2009 10:49

I must be honest i dont know anything about the injection. I will look into it.

The other issue here is cost. I've no idea how much it costs per year to freeze your sperm. But with living breathing growing DC we need all the cash we can get!That's basically yet another insurance policy that with a bit of luck he'll never need.

OP posts:

missmama · 01/12/2009 10:50

It seems sensible to me. We see loads of threads on here about vasectomy reversal and how it can not be guaranteed. You might change your mind later and really really really want another. At least you would have a choice this way.

AvrilH · 01/12/2009 10:52

here is lots of info on both implants and injections:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/Contraceptive-implants-and-injections/Pages/Introduction.aspx?url=Pages/What-i s-it.aspx

mayorquimby · 01/12/2009 10:55

"I really didnt think i was bullying him. I thought he also felt it was the responsible thing to do."

fair enough it was just this line "I've been nagging him for over a year to have a vasectomy.He agrees that our family is now complete. However he is still dragging his feet. " that gave the impression that this was not exactly a joint descision.

Thandeka · 01/12/2009 10:55

Hmmm is a very very tricky one and can see both sides. Thing is for a man of that age he still has potentially a good 40 odd years of reproductive viability ahead of him. Unfortunately for you - you maybe only have another 8 and even then unlikely/very risky. Sorry this seems terribly harsh but am trying to point out the nature side of it. I do appreciate the operation is much more tricky for a woman than a man- but given the risks associated with pregnancies in late forties then perhaps it is better for the woman to have it? No-one can predict the future and god forbid anything happening to you or the kids but I can totally see his point about wanting to freeze some semen. My DH's dad got had a vasectomy for his first wife then divorced in his 40's, married a younger woman (which statistically is massively common and so another thing to possibly consider- are you wanting him to have this done so he belongs to you and is damaged goods for any hypothethical (and hasten to add very unlikely) future relationship?) DH's dad has now had his vasectomy reversed and they have been trying unsuccessfully for a few years now for kids, and I know the heartache they are going through. I just think it is a very serious decision for both of you to make but ultimately it is his decision and his body.
Sorry rereading my post it sounds way meaner than I meant it to- Obviously I am not saying your DH is going to run off with another woman or ever want to start another family but I am saying he does have a lot more to potentially (and hypothethically) lose than you do if you were to have the op.

I think my DH and I have decided that I would probably have the op once our family is complete for the reasons above because of this. (plus he is ginger so whatever happens we have to keep the ginger genes going

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