Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To feel hurt that my DP wants to freeze some sperm before having the snip?

81 replies

saladfingers · 01/12/2009 10:22

I'm 42 and he's 37. We have 4 DC, aged 11, 2 1/2, 16 months and 3 months.I've been nagging him for over a year to have a vasectomy.He agrees that our family is now complete. However he is still dragging his feet. We saw the GP and got a referral to a family planning clinic. He then needed to make an appointment for the counselling session that they like both partners to attend. But he still hasn't done even that much!

I've been trying to understand what he might be going through. I appreciate there will be some discomfort or even pain, that he fears his masculinity might decrease, that sex might be different....but last week he confessed that the reason he hasnt gone through with it yet is that he wants to freeze some of his sperm 'just in case'??

When i wanted to understand the 'just in case' senario he explained how much he loved his kids and couldn't imagine life without them, should a terrible accident happen and he lose them all he would want more!This really upset me. To think he could imagine such a terrible event and plan how he would compensate for it. I was also deeply hurt that he was probably planning to have these other kids with someone else. I felt we were ending the reproductive stage of our relationship together but it turns out he wants to keep his options open. Am i just being mean? I thought we were going into the infertile future together.

I think he's more worried that i might leave him and take the kids. His mum left his dad. I have threatened to leave during major arguements.Maybe this is all my own fault. God forbid this eventuality will ever actually happen.I just wished he'd never told me. Did i really need to know?

OP posts:

tinkerbellesmuse · 01/12/2009 12:08

He clearly isn't ready to have the snip, therefore you shouldn't force it on him.

LadyPeterWimsey · 01/12/2009 12:10

We have 4 DCs, I am getting old and I have had too many problems in previous pregnancies to think it wise to have any more kids. Much as I would have loved an even bigger family, both DH and I felt it was a good time to call a halt.

None of the non-reversible forms of contraception suited me, and as I was having a CS anyway, I opted to be sterilised. DH was pretty ambivalent about a vasectomy (I think a mate had been telling him scary stories). However a key reason we went the route we did was that if anything happened to me, there was a chance, albeit a small one, that he might remarry and they might want to have more children, whereas the reverse was just not going to be an option for me. (He hates the thought of this, btw, but I am a worst-case-scenario sort of girl ).

If he doesn't feel comfortable about ending his fertility, I'm not sure you have the right to insist he does or to feel hurt if he wants a fallback. You don't know what the future may bring, and if you've threatened to leave before then I guess he may be feeling pretty insecure about it.

Have a sterilisation yourself. Inconvenient for you, yes, but kinder to him.

Greensleeves · 01/12/2009 12:11

I agree with mayorquimby, he is just trying to be realistic about his future - he has the right to do that, and if you love him you should WANT him to provide for his own future happiness

If something did happen to you/the children, can you imagine how his life would be? How do you feel picturing him in a new relationship, having been through all that terrible grief, starting to feel hopeful again and wanting to start a family with his partner? I can think of my dh in that light (not without a bit of queasiness, of course!) and I would want him to be able to move forward.

It's just not a very loving thing to do, to pressurize him into having surgery he is not sure about and making him infertile just because you feel your family is complete.

I think he's being very sensible. I can see why you feel a bit bruised by it, but honestly I think you need to take a more adult view and just talk to him about what he wants and why.

2ChildrenPlusLA · 01/12/2009 12:13

So you don't pay any insurances?

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 01/12/2009 12:16

My Dh could't have a vasectomy due to proatrate problems, so contrapection by default fell back to me (we were crap with condoms) so I've had a coil, and it's great!

No periods, neverthink about it and it will last until past meoopause now (I'm 39) so contraceptio sorted forever!

I've also lik you had abnormal smaears, colposcopy and traetment, but coil fitting was just one more undignified procedure in the life of an avergae women that I just resignly accept.

diddl · 01/12/2009 12:17

I think his reasoning is a bit odd tbh.

he wouldn´t be able to replace the children he lost.

OP might not be able to conceive again, and of course they would be different children.

I would be hurt, it´s almost like saying "as long as he has children"-any will do!

Greensleeves · 01/12/2009 12:21

It isn't at all like saying "any will do"

He's saying he loves being a father and a family man - and doesn't want to eliminate his chance of ever having more children.

Is it really so threatening that your spouse might want to have a future if the worst happened and you weren't there any more?

Rubyrubyruby · 01/12/2009 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FimbleHobbs · 01/12/2009 12:37

We're the other way to you - my DH is happy to have a vasectomy but I am the one unsure about it because of the 'what if there was a terrible accident and the children died' question. I know it is totally unlikely but its like some wierd superstitious thing that I can't shake off.

I have the injection and its great, thoroughly recommend it. Have also had a coil which was fine but not much fun having it fitted. On a par with a colposcopy I'd say.

Original poster

saladfingers · 01/12/2009 12:38

37 with 4 dependant dc!

OP posts:

MrsTittleMouse · 01/12/2009 12:45

It is so not like saying "any will do"!!!

Do you honestly think that you can properly imagine how it would be to lose all your children? I don't (thank god). So I would prefer to keep my options open, in case I wanted another family. So does the OP's DH.

megapixels · 01/12/2009 12:50

I think it should have been enough for you to know that he doesn't want to have the snip right now, it's not right that you should nag him for the reason. I am definitely sure that my family is complete, but I wouldn't want to do anything permanent while I'm still relatively young and, hopefully, still have much of my life stretched out in front of me. Why I wouldn't want to be sterilised, I have no idea, but if I was forced into disclosing my reasons I would come up with some half-coherent rambling similar to your dh's.

He is just looking at eventualities, he may not have even thought of it but because you have asked him to justify himself he has been forced to look into these things.

Rubyrubyruby · 01/12/2009 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 01/12/2009 13:05

But in the scenario stated, I do feel it´s like saying "any will do".

To me it reads as if he´s saying that should something awful happen, he would want to replace what he has.

HarrietTheSpy · 01/12/2009 13:10

You can't force someone to do this. It sounds to me like he feels backed into a corner and is coming up with whatever he can think of to put you off and yes maybe the reasoning sounds a bit off in parts, although I can understand it.

I think you need to lay off. Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot and you really didn't want to be sterisiled. Horrible to be in that position with your partner, I can't imagine it.

Oblomov · 01/12/2009 13:15

of course his views are reasonable.
I have been sterilised recently. I decided that even if I lost both my children horrifically, I would NOT want any more children. As a 36 year old, diabetic, for 35 years, I feel this is best for ME.
So what is so diffferent , re my views.

So what are you going to do then OP ?

Oblomov · 01/12/2009 13:18

diddl, not replace the lost child. but replace the children, i.e. having more. if you see what I mean.
I think that is o.k.
You have children. you lose them. you will maybe never get over the loss of the actual child tehmselves. but you might have a desperate desire to have more children. makes sense.

although incomparable, after my miscarriage I wanted to conceive asap. lots of women do.

OooohWhatAFuss · 01/12/2009 13:21

I think many people would say that if anything happened to them, they would want their OH to go on and live a happy life. This may mean sharing it with another person. I can see the logic in thinking this about all important people in your life. So if your DP were to lose all of you, maybe he cannot imagine a life with nobody to share it with. Maybe a bit tactless the way he put it, but can understand his thinking. If he really does not want the op YABU to make him, maybe leave it a while (and be careful ) until you are fit enough to have an op yourself.

diddl · 01/12/2009 13:24

Yes, I do see it that way as well, Oblomov.

I think he doesn´t want a vasectomy & is making excuses, rather than just saying so!

I suppose when I hear this,it also makes me think that bets are being hedged should the marriage break down.

gotogirl · 01/12/2009 13:25

Do you and your DP have wills?
Have you sat down and worked on concretely who you would hope would take your kids in the event of your both dying?
Has your DP set up specific financial funds for the kids in the event of his death?
Does he have life assurance?

Ifg yes to all of the above, then clearly your DP is the type to think about and worry about "worst case scenarios" and in which case, YABU.

If he does not answer yes to the above, but is dragging his heels on the snip 'in case of the worst', then YANBU and he is.

Maybe talk to him about doing wills / life assurance in case of the worst and use that as a starting point for a meaningful discussion about the whole "what happens if we die" angle.

Rubyrubyruby · 01/12/2009 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 01/12/2009 13:33

But if something should happen to just the OP, he would have 4 young children to look after, so having more shouldn´t imo be his priority.

Rubyrubyruby · 01/12/2009 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

saladfingers · 01/12/2009 13:36

Not sure exactly what i'm going to do but i will heed general consensus of advice and stop nagging/talking about it.I wouldnt want to feel he was pressurizing me into something i didnt want to do.

I think i agree that there are lots of underlying issues here and maybe we need to talk some of those through. I can imagine that i have made him insecure when i've threatened to leave him.But am i the only person who says the meanest things when they get angry? I know what hurts him and he also knows how to push my buttons. I think therein lies our biggest problem. I dont honestly think he imagines all his family dying in some horrible accident but he can imagine me leaving him.We both have insecurities that need to be addressed.

OP posts:

Oblomov · 01/12/2009 13:39

He is 37. Does he want to do a charlie chaplin and have kids at 85, joke, with a new woman. how many kids does he want. octo-dad ????
ha, ha. dh is early 40's. he said he feels old and cream crackered and didn't realise how tyring 2 young kids could be. I am sure he is not alone in this thought.

does Op dh want to carry on reproducing , till he can... shag no more
die on the job ????

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread