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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel hurt that my DP wants to freeze some sperm before having the snip?

81 replies

saladfingers · 01/12/2009 10:22

I'm 42 and he's 37. We have 4 DC, aged 11, 2 1/2, 16 months and 3 months.I've been nagging him for over a year to have a vasectomy.He agrees that our family is now complete. However he is still dragging his feet. We saw the GP and got a referral to a family planning clinic. He then needed to make an appointment for the counselling session that they like both partners to attend. But he still hasn't done even that much!

I've been trying to understand what he might be going through. I appreciate there will be some discomfort or even pain, that he fears his masculinity might decrease, that sex might be different....but last week he confessed that the reason he hasnt gone through with it yet is that he wants to freeze some of his sperm 'just in case'??

When i wanted to understand the 'just in case' senario he explained how much he loved his kids and couldn't imagine life without them, should a terrible accident happen and he lose them all he would want more!This really upset me. To think he could imagine such a terrible event and plan how he would compensate for it. I was also deeply hurt that he was probably planning to have these other kids with someone else. I felt we were ending the reproductive stage of our relationship together but it turns out he wants to keep his options open. Am i just being mean? I thought we were going into the infertile future together.

I think he's more worried that i might leave him and take the kids. His mum left his dad. I have threatened to leave during major arguements.Maybe this is all my own fault. God forbid this eventuality will ever actually happen.I just wished he'd never told me. Did i really need to know?

OP posts:

Thandeka · 01/12/2009 10:56

oh but P.S you are totally NBU for feeling hurt about him wanting to freeze sperm. Totally get that too.

CitizenPrecious · 01/12/2009 10:57

He'd only be facing the same thing you- and any other woman- are going to face in the next few years- loss of fertility.

Fair enough, I think. If he and the children all perish in a freak accident instead, saladfingers won't be able to get any new ones, now will she?- unless she works pretty fast, anyway!

YANBU. I think he's being daft.

Is reminding me of that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, where Cheryl gets upset because Larry won't promise to be faithful to her in the Afterlife

mayorquimby · 01/12/2009 10:58

and it's hardly as though he's being flippant and thinking that should there be a horrible accident he would be grand after a week once he knew he had some frozen sperm. but put it this way if a friend of yours,man or woman, lost there family in some horrible accident wouldn't you be happy for them if they found someone new somewhere down the line to make them happy?or should everyone who loses a spouse or family simply be put on the shelf rather than be happy? why should it be different for someone who has been sterilised?

Original poster

saladfingers · 01/12/2009 11:00

Thanks AvrilH, just had a look. The comments by users of both methods are mixed. I wouldn't mind the losing weight part but i'm not sure i could cope with anymore emotional outbursts!

But something has to be done and it looks like i need to take control as usual.

OP posts:

AvrilH · 01/12/2009 11:02

Imagine if it was the other way around - if you were reading another MNer explaining that her DH had been nagging her to get herself sterilised - would you think she was unreasonable to be unsure?

AvrilH · 01/12/2009 11:05

Also, you don't need a permanent contraceptive solution, just something for the next few years until you reach menopause. For that reason I would go back and discuss your options with your GP

Laquitar · 01/12/2009 11:07

I would feel too

Chickenshavenolips · 01/12/2009 11:10

I think if he's thinking this way, he shouldn't be having the vasectomy. It's supposed to be a permanent end to fertility, and you're not supposed to keep a baby-making stash 'just in case' TBH, I'd be surprised if he would be given a vasectomy in these circumstances.

Original poster

saladfingers · 01/12/2009 11:12

I do think its slightly different. Any women who's been through pregnancy and childbirth has been through a lot both physically, emotionally and mentally.And yet i'm not asking him to have the procedure to 'get my own back'! I dont want him to suffer pain. I really dont. I just want to feel secure that i'm not going to get pregnant again. I suppose there is an element of wanting him to take control because i feel like i do so much, i thought he could do this one thing for 'us'.

Maybe i need to accept the freezing sperm issue and then see if he'll make the appt?

OP posts:

jellybeans · 01/12/2009 11:13

I think it should be his choice totally and not him being pressured. There are other ways..coils etc, not pleasant but reversible. To me, sterilisation seems too permanent, I don't get why it is so 'mainstream'. Loads of people seem to get sad afterwards and regret it. I have 5 DC and not wanting anymore but can't face being sterilised, my fertility is precious and after severe difficulties/m/cs and stillbirths I would feel too grieved to loose my fertility too.

As for 'replacing' kids if they were lost, I have read tragic stories where the parents lost all their kids and then were devastated as they had previously had the snip. They said they could never replace their kids, ever, but they could have hope again and be parents to other children, have grandchildren etc. Some were turned down for adoption. I feel so sorry for them.

happymatleave · 01/12/2009 11:15

My DP is 32 and 5 years younger than me, we have 4 children and neither of us want anymore. He has offered to have a vasectomy but I won't let him. If the worst happened and we either split up or I died he could quite easily meet a younger woman who has not had children and may want her own family with him. I think it would be selfish of me to agree to him having a vasectomy when who knows what may happen in the future. I, on the other hand, know I will never want anymore, even if I was no longer with DP I would not want to go through another pregnancy.

I can understand why you are upset though, if my DP had said this instead of me I would have been upset too

bamboostalks · 01/12/2009 11:15

I think he is being ridiculous, as if children are replaceable. The other scenario is also foolish. Surely, even if he thinks that he might meet another woman, he may himself feel that 4 children is enough to support and pay for. Surely each individual has a limit on how many children they themselves want and can manage, regardless of future partners? He is not 25 after all.

Morloth · 01/12/2009 11:17

Fertility/biology is not fair saladfingers, it is just the way it is, but if he doesn't want it then he doesn't want it and you have to decide what you are going to do from there.

mayorquimby · 01/12/2009 11:23

"I think he is being ridiculous, as if children are replaceable."
where has there been any indication that he has said that?
do you think the same about parents who lose a child and then go on to have another?have they simply replaced that child?
it's not about replacing it's about moving on with life.

hollybrainfestivepants · 01/12/2009 11:30

Totally agree with happymatleave which is why I would never expect dh to get the snip and I'm amazed so many men do.

Having had IVF ourselves, if I was to die and dh married again I wouldn't want him to go through further fertility tx to have more children if that's what his new wife wanted.

I can't have any more children for my health, so I will probably get sterilised. It's not that big a deal.

Original poster

saladfingers · 01/12/2009 11:34

But if he freezes it the next DP will have to have IVF anyway unless they let him take it home in a turkey baster!

OP posts:

hollybrainfestivepants · 01/12/2009 11:36

But if he doesn't have the snip at all he won't need fertility tx!

The fertility problems were mine not his .

Tis a personal choice.

PuppyMonkey · 01/12/2009 11:48

That's odd, cos when my DP had the snip a year ago, we didn't even have to go the second "couples counselling" thing - he just booked it and away he went.

If he had suggested freezing some sperm, like your DP, I don't think it would have hurt me at all. He is just making those plans that we sometimes don't like to think about (ie losing your loved ones in an accident or etc) but maybe are actually quite sensible. Like when you make a Will. He's not saying he thinks you are all going to die and he will have to replace you, he is working through a worse case scenario and dealing with it in his own way.

mayorquimby · 01/12/2009 11:51

do people thinking he's being selfish and simply planning to replace his kids think the same way about life insurance policies? that the person is just thinking "ah fuck it, i'll be grand if they die anyway cause i'll have loads of cash to replace them",surely as purple monkey says it's just one of those plans that are unpleasant to think about but imminently sensible.

OrmIrian · 01/12/2009 11:54

Well it is his body and his fertility. How would you feel if he was pressurising you into a sterlisation?

peppapighastakenovermylife · 01/12/2009 11:56

Sounds sensible to me and this is what we will be doing.

Its not about replacing children - its about having that insurance as such. Of course he doesnt want to replace what he has, or will ever forget them, but how can you know how you would feel if the worst did happen? Many people I know who have lost a baby or child have a desperate need for a new one. It also doesnt make it seem so final - perhaps he is worried about this.

You do not have to use the sperm, it is there just in case like any insurance policy. I read an article a few months ago about the number of vasectomy reversals in areas hit by the tsunami. Those parents were not replacing just filling what I would imagine to be a desperate yearning for another child.

MrsTittleMouse · 01/12/2009 11:56

I suspect that you don't really want to know the answer to your question.

But, no, you don't need IVF to use frozen sperm. You can have IUI, which is like a high-tech version of the turkey baster. If your DH had a vasectomy and it couldn't be reversed then the only chance for more children would be surgical removal of sperm and ICSI, which is much more difficult than regular IVF.

I can understand that you might be offended that he wants to keep his options open. Because you suspect that it's down to his Mum leaving his Dad, and you know that you won't do that. But to be honest, that's the kind of thing that I'd do (and my DH too). We're the kind of people who like to have insurance.

If anything happened to your DCs (or mine) then nothing could ever replace them. But for the next few years, there would be the option to have a different family. I am very lucky, that I have no idea how dreadful it would be. Which is why I wouldn't want to second guess now how I would feel if it did happen. Maybe I would never want another child. But maybe I would - and how awful to have shut that door forever if that's what you wanted.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 01/12/2009 12:00

'A new one'

another child that should say

diddl · 01/12/2009 12:02

I agree it does need to be his decision.

But I also agree with OP.

They are a couple and so far as a couple she has taken responsibility for contraception and after 4 pregnancies & births (which of course had to be her), she doesn´t think it´s unreasonable ask her husband to know take some responsibilty re contraception.

It is an easier op & recovery for him.

MadameDefarge · 01/12/2009 12:02

A very dear friend of my had a vasectomy, after his partner decided that their family was complete. Then she left him for someone else. Friend's current partner is about ten years younger than him and has no children. He is really upset that he can't give her the children she really wants, and she has to decide whether she loves him enough to stay despite not being able to have children with him. Its heartbreaking for them.

So what if he is hedging his bets. You really don't know what will happen in the future.

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