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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my five year old to go on playdate

50 replies

tinykins · 30/11/2009 20:12

I got a text today from one on the mums in my ds class asking him to their house some afternoon to play with their son. They are both just turned 5. I feel a bit nervous about this as I don't really know them at all, don't know who will be about or what they will be doing, if there will be proper supervision ect. I think he is a bit young to just be let off on his own and like most young boys of that age he hasn't much sense. I have five kids under 10, so I wouldnt think I am neurotic on child safety etc but I don't feel right about this, am I being overly precious or is this reasonable and if so how do I politely decline??

OP posts:

domesticextremist · 30/11/2009 20:16

I think its a bit precious. I would be glad of the break tbh.

Just meet her first and suss her out and is she seems normal then let him go.

You can always turn up unannounced at some point to check it all out if you're really worried.

If you really dont want him to go just say that you dont think he's ready for playdates yet.

verytellytubby · 30/11/2009 20:18

I think you are being a bit precious. My DT's are 4, in reception and often go on playdates. In fact they started in nursery at 3. I'm so relieved/amazed/flabbergasted that mum's are prepared to take on my two that I have never questioned it.

wonderingwondering · 30/11/2009 20:19

Say you'll drop him off, ask if you can pop in and wait for ten mins or so to make sure he settles down - gives you a chance to reassure yourself, then you can pop back after an hour or so.

I wouldn't mind a mum popping in for a look - actually I'd think it a bit odd if they just dropped a five year old off at the door if they didn't know me. And my 5 year old would want me to go in with him at first, too.

Tolalola · 30/11/2009 20:19

Maybe you could ask what day they're thinking of, then make up a nebulous 'family thing', eventually saying that next week (or whenever) is a bit hectic but maybe their child could come to yours instead on some given day. Then you will have had a chance to see what their child is like and how he behaves in your house and you can invite the parents in and get to know them a little bit before sending your DS off to theirs.

Bonsoir · 30/11/2009 20:20

Fair enough if you don't know the family. I wouldn't be at all happy sending DD (5) to play at a home where I didn't know the child and at least one of the parents.

sarah293 · 30/11/2009 20:22

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smee · 30/11/2009 20:24

You could take the curse off you by telling her he always likes you to go with him first time. That way you can nip in for five mins before leaving him. Tell her you'll leave as soon as he's happy. Am sure you'll know as soon as you walk in the door if it's going to be okay or not.

EldonAve · 30/11/2009 20:26

Have you not encountered this before with your other children?

If you aren't keen just say no

Original poster

tinykins · 30/11/2009 20:27

Thanks, some good suggestions there. And I do understand the ones who think I am being precious becuase part of me thinks that too. But on the other hand when you don't know the people at all whose house they are in then how can you feel totally at ease that they will be well looked after, especially when they are so young and full of mischief and no sense??

OP posts:

Hulababy · 30/11/2009 20:27

If you don't want to and DS doesn't want to go - then fine. Your call. Just say no.

However, once DD was at school she started doing playdates with friends. So, she staretd doing playdates without me around from 4y5m and she loved it. I came to the conclusion that you have to eventually trust other people. I always checked the car seat issue, made sure I had spoken with the parents a bit beforehand, at school gates, and that they had my contact details and vice versa. DD was very keen to go and play, and I didn't want to hold her back in that way. We also did the reciprocal playdates.

I thinkt hat once they are school age they are at least able to communicate with you, unles SN and that is different issues altogether, and you can ask them about what they've done and see if they have concerns or are upset, etc.

Original poster

tinykins · 30/11/2009 20:30

Eldo Ave - No i havent, becuase I was already fairly friendly with my two older dd's friends parents anyway so I was happy to let them go.

OP posts:

jellybeans · 30/11/2009 20:30

I am the same with my boys. My girls were going age 4 and I was fine but the boys are so different. Alot of people are far more relaxed than me and let them (mine are twins) run riot and unsupervised or in the street or jumping off bunkbeds. My DS knocked himself out playing on a friends stairs, it was horrific, we were very lucky after a scary hospital stay. Thats how it can get with unsupervised play. I am very cautious and only let them go where I know they will be watched and I always say can you watch DS (he has visual issues) especially. I am overprotective but after loosing 2 babies stillborn and near misses with DTs i can't take any risks. Go with your intuition, i wish i had done that time.

Sassybeast · 30/11/2009 20:33

Trust your instincts - YANBU. Mine wouldn't have stayed at a strange house at just 5 anyway.

snowmummy · 30/11/2009 21:41

YANBU. I wouldn't be comfortable with my DS going, on his own, to someone's house who I don't know well.

Northernlurker · 30/11/2009 21:48

Well she must know you a bit if she has your mobile number? I think you need to get a grip tbh. Her son goes to school with yours. She's got him to age of 5, it's very unlikely she's satan worshipping or sending the kids out to nick wallets for her profit now is it? Your son has no sense, neither does hers I bet. So let him go, tell her he has no sense and she'll need to watch it a bit and stand back to take in the flood of similar worries that will pour from her!

How would you feel if somebody told you they didn't trust you with their precious child? Speaking personally I am always very careful with other peoples kids, more so than with my own because I do know how precious they are to somebody else. When dd1 and dd2 were in reception we never left school with their friends without me insisting on a briefing of 'the rules' for walking home (mostly involving road safety - busy roads, excited kids, one very careful parent)

Original poster

tinykins · 30/11/2009 21:51

Thanks snowmummy, good to know am not being totally over protective.
Jellybean you are right. Girls are more sensible, boys need more supervision, they tend to take more risks and engage in more rough and tumble play. Which is great, but it means they need more watching. And whilst I would definitely say I am an over protective mum it never ceases to amaze me how laid back other parents are with theirs, letting them out on the street at a young age etc on bikes and heading off down the road aged 4 or 5, I could never do that, just can't!

OP posts:

cat64 · 30/11/2009 21:57

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Original poster

tinykins · 30/11/2009 21:57

Northernlurker, I know where you are coming from but I would never tell someone I didn't trust them with my child, that would be just rude. You sound like a careful mum, but I've been doing this job now for 10 years and I know that not everyone is as careful as that. I'm not saying I wouldn't let him go, just that I have some reservations about it.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 30/11/2009 21:59

I agree that if she has your mobile number then you must have had conversations with her and have formed an impression. I think that 5 yrs is the age to start letting them go out to a friend's house on their own. If you aren't keen, make it a short time to start with. Your DS will never get any sense if you don't give him the opportunity to need any.

Original poster

tinykins · 30/11/2009 22:08

The mum has my number becuase she got it off another mum, so I have never really chatted to her beyond the odd hello at the school gate. I would just prefer it if I knew this lady a bit better before I entrust my child to her for an afternoon. Is that so unreasonable? after all, it you were looking for a childminder or babysitter you would want to meet them and get a chance to know them before you let them look after your child..

OP posts:

cat64 · 30/11/2009 22:11

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Original poster

tinykins · 30/11/2009 22:18

Cat64, absolutely you're right and I appreciate everyone's input. I am prob being a bit overprotective, but just wanted to throw it out their and see what others think. Thanks all.

OP posts:

GrumpyWhenWoken · 30/11/2009 22:19

I do know how you feel as I was OK with ds1 going on playdates, he didn't want me to stay! but ds2 is more clingy so I ask if it's ok to stay till he's happy (he's nearly 5).

We've had his friends here too, and I like the mum to stay even for a while, not only to settle the child in, but I'm keen to meet other mums so she might be a potential friend.

fernie3 · 30/11/2009 22:25

YANBU if you dont feel happy then dont send him. I have refused invitations from a person who I dont trust to look after my child. I alwasy say trust your instincts.
You dont have to say you dont trust them just make an excuse.

madamearcati · 30/11/2009 22:27

I think you are being incredibly precious.Surely you don't continually supervise your 5 YO at home?
My DS2 broke his arm while playing unsupervised (shock horror) and jumping off the top of a climbing frame on a playdate with our GPs son !never even crossed my mind to stop him or any of the other DCs going to their friends' houses

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