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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my five year old to go on playdate

50 replies

tinykins · 30/11/2009 20:12

I got a text today from one on the mums in my ds class asking him to their house some afternoon to play with their son. They are both just turned 5. I feel a bit nervous about this as I don't really know them at all, don't know who will be about or what they will be doing, if there will be proper supervision ect. I think he is a bit young to just be let off on his own and like most young boys of that age he hasn't much sense. I have five kids under 10, so I wouldnt think I am neurotic on child safety etc but I don't feel right about this, am I being overly precious or is this reasonable and if so how do I politely decline??

OP posts:

Original poster

tinykins · 30/11/2009 22:28

Thanks Fernie3, will think about it and see how it goes, will trust my instincts in the end though.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 30/11/2009 22:39

Make it just 2 hrs-what do you think the woman will do with him in that time that could be so dreadful? Alternatively-if you really are not happy- suggest he comes to you first. If he is polite, chats to you and plays nicely at your house I think that you could surmise that his mother can look after your DC for a couple of hours.

thegrammerpolicesic · 30/11/2009 22:41

Hmm I wouldn't expect the other parent to be watching my ds constant during a playdate but I would want to vaguely know the other parents before he went to their house alone.

I think he'd want me to go with him the first time anyway. Not terribly practical for you with four other kids to do that I guess though.

Poohbearsmom · 30/11/2009 22:52

YANBU This is your Ds going to pretty much a strangers home, ya she has a 5yo who your child is friends with but what else do you know? Id def go with him for the first 5-10min of the playdate like others have suggested or like said have him over first and invite mum in for a coffee so you can sus her out too...

babbi · 01/12/2009 00:04

YANBU If you have doubts don't do it. I am in a position at the moment whereby my DD (4) has formed a very close bond with a lovely little girl at nursery . The other child has been here 4 times for tea and play and they have had a great time.
However DD would like to go to the little girls house to play but to my horror I have recently discovered that there are serious social problems in the other childs house.
Husband is prone to violent outbursts (told to me by the wife so it is truth not rumour) she says he can stay up for nights on end playing video games etc.
Now his alcohol use is out of hand and he is "dabbling in drugs" . Honestly the wife seems ok - Dh and I have known her for a year since DD started nursery and consider ourselves very lucky to have found this out.
Otherwise our DD may have gone there on a visit, I don't think I was being lax or naive but on meeting this lady on a daily basis and her having visited here twice for a cup of tea, I really thought all was well.

On the other hand DD is welcome to go to many other homes where I know she will be looked after.
Trust your instincts - that is what they are for.

nappyaddict · 01/12/2009 01:38

verytellytubby Would you have spoken to the mum before? DS (aged 3) has been invited on a playdate but I've never even met the mum before (it came as a note in his bag!) I mean I will have seen her waiting at the school gates but I'm not sure which one she is.

mathanxiety · 01/12/2009 05:31

Could you invite the little boy and his mum over to yours first and suss her out for two hours or so? Chances are she's ok, but if you wanted to be sure, 'interview' her on your turf where the boys can play safely.

piscesmoon · 01/12/2009 08:33

Why not just go and chat to her at the school gate and get to know her? I feel so sorry for children these days-when I was that age we didn't have 'play dates' we just played out and I'm sure that my mother didn't interview the other parents first!

Mishy1234 · 01/12/2009 08:47

I think you need to trust your instincts on these things. Why don't you suggest you come too and take some nice cakes/biscuits. That way you can get to know her over a nice cup of tea and keep an eye on your DS too?

piscesmoon · 01/12/2009 08:53

She has 5 DCs under 10, Mishy, if I asked one DC around to play I don't think I would want 5 and an adult!

Chrysanthemum5 · 01/12/2009 09:36

I always go on at least the first play date, and I would expect the other mum to do the same - surely it's normal to want to see where your child will be? Also, DC1 was quite happy to go off on his own to friend's houses until he started school and now I think that transition has unsettled him so he needs me to stay when he's at a friend's. I don't mind, and none of the other mothers minds, if they did we would stop going round!

Original poster

tinykins · 01/12/2009 11:51

Thanks guys, will take your comments on board, it has been really helpful to get other views on this.

OP posts:

Mishy1234 · 01/12/2009 12:13

Ah I see piscesmoon- I didn't read that, you're probably right.

Depends on the person though I suppose. Some adult company is nice sometimes and can spread the load a bit?

Mishy1234 · 01/12/2009 12:15

Oh for goodness sake (I am idiot), the OP has 5 children under 10! Sorry, didn't read correctly.

Not really practical to go round then.

OrmIrian · 01/12/2009 12:16

"How would you feel if somebody told you they didn't trust you with their precious child? "

That's what I wondered too A bit insulting isn't it?

smee · 01/12/2009 12:21

Okay so this is a scary story, but still feels worth chucking into the thread. Recently, a friend's son went to someone's house for the first time and came back nigh on hysterical because he'd been jumped on by a growling snarling dog of the pitbull variety. My friend was horrified by what might have happened - the mother who owned the dog was too and has said from now on she'll keep the dog outside when her son has friends round. Still though I think I'd want to know if my 5yr old was going to a house with a pitbull. and okay, so you can argue the owner should have mentioned it, but she didn't. So OP, you're not being unreasonable. It's not precious to want to know where your child is going when they're so little and five is still very little imo.

stealthsquiggle · 01/12/2009 12:24

I don't think you are being precious at all. DS has a couple of classmates who I know (not, after 3 years) are allowed to run wild with no supervision whatsoever. DS has more common sense than your average small boy, but even then there is no way I am letting him go to their houses to play - the whole thing is jut too fraught with risks over which I have no control.

stealthsquiggle · 01/12/2009 12:25

not now

FimbleHobbs · 01/12/2009 12:41

My DS (4) went on his first playdate yesterday and after 45 mins the mum phoned me as he was in tears and wanted Mummy. I felt terrible! I really thought he'd be fine - he goes to a couple of other friends houses all the time, but has known them for years. This was at a lovely boys house who is a friend of a friend and DS and him have become friends since September. I have met the mum a few times and she is lovely, I really thought DS would be ok. I am full of mummyguilt today.

yangymac · 01/12/2009 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Pendulum · 01/12/2009 13:42

This is interesting... I started an AIBU thread a week or so ago along the lines of "..to think 5 is too young for playdates". The general consensus was that yes, I was BU. However, many of the considerations this thread has raised are relevant e.g. not knowing the family, the visiting child not being comfortable with an adult she/ he doesn't know well. Also, when the children don't know each other too well there is the possibility that they will fall out or not find common ground (this happens somethimes when my DD has a friend over and they end up sulking in different corners)

I stick with my original view, unless the families are good friends, 5 is generally a little young for parentless playdates.

lilyjen · 01/12/2009 14:20

Before they start school parents know all their children's friends and have a very active part in their social life. Suddenly the're in school all day and you only see their friend's parents occaisionaly at the school gates. This is when you suddenly have to make a switch in your mind, children are dropped off at parties whereas before you might have needed to stay etc. I'm experiencing the same feelings, my DD is in year 1. However I do think it's important to make this switch and start allowing children to go and do things like this, it's a completely normal part of growing up and being independant. I think that you must 'suss out' the parents of yr DS's friends a bit of course but like some other's said, they have a child in your DS's class. If you have a child who is very young for their age or has SEN then the rules will be different but otherwise it's probably time to give your DS the chance to experience something and feedback to you, don't think of the worst that can happen all the time when deciding about how much protection to give your DS but think more about 'the chances are..' I always make an effort to get to know my DD's friends from day 1..that way I can 'suss out' a picture of what they're like and go on that info. If they seem nice I let my DD go, if they are rude, obnoxious or unkind I make up an excuse..

fumanchu · 01/12/2009 14:34

I think you should take the lead from your child. If he's really keen let him go, if he's unsure then don't. Or you could limit the time (ie just play for an hour or so) rather than do the whole tea thing. Unless you never do the school pick-up/drop-off you must have formed some idea of the mum. I really think you're over-egging the whole thing. If he doesn't like it he doesn't have to go again.

thedollshouse · 01/12/2009 14:37

Ds went on a couple of dates when he first started school but I have stopped them now. I found that at 5 they were over excited and didn't really play together it was a more a case of tipping every single box over the floor and moving onto the next one. I also find that after a full day at school they need to unwind, it isn't really necessary to extend the day with a playdate especially if they have clubs during the week. Since we stopped playdates I have found that ds and I are both more relaxed.

This doesn't really answer your question! I just wanted to make the point that if you feel your child is sociable and mixing well at school then it isn't really essential to arrange playdates if you aren't comfortable with the idea.

piscesmoon · 01/12/2009 19:28

I agree lilyjen-it is just a matter of common sense. I wouldn't let them go to a home with pit bull terriers or where the DCs ran riot! You can tell a lot from conversation and I would trust my judgements. I get the impression that some people would like to see a CRB check, interview the parents and inspect the house before they let their DC go! My DSs always chose perfectly reasonable, nice friends and I met a lot of perfectly nice mums through them. I am still friendly with some of them even though out DSs have moved on. A lot also depends on whether your DC is comfortable going alone, however I do think it important to encourage them.

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