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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The term "Partner".

297 replies

marantha · 30/11/2009 12:51

Am I being unreasonable to find the term "partner" intensely annoying when applied to those in a relationship? Particularly when they are actually married so it should be like, er, husband, wife or spouse instead?
Partner in what exactly? Ballroom dancing, bridge-playing. Isn't there something just a teensy-weeny bit smug about the term?

OP posts:
LeninGrad · 01/12/2009 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thesecondcoming · 01/12/2009 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 01/12/2009 09:24

I used to so much enjoy it when people would refer to my DP as "Your husband" and I could say "Actually, he's not my husband, he's someone else's husband."

tethersend · 01/12/2009 09:33

Right. I think 'Dave' is a viable alternative.

Yes, abbierhodes, you have grasped the concept perfectly- from now on, he is 'My Dave', irrespective of his name.

"This is Fred, my Dave"

It's got a ring to it.

What's not to like?

LeninGrad · 01/12/2009 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tethersend · 01/12/2009 10:35

See?

It's flawless.

Poledra · 01/12/2009 10:42

But - mawbroon gave you the perfect teminology already, and it's been around for years (in Scotland, anyway). Bidey-in - works for both sexes, clearly indicates that you are not business partners and has slightly racy connotations (which I see as a plus point, I realise that not everyone will agree with me there).

I am quite liking 'Dave' though - 'Hello, this is Belgarath, my Dave.' Yes, I can see that catching on. Am I allowed to use that, even though I am actually married??

tethersend · 01/12/2009 10:49

Yes. Spread the Dave.

willowstar · 01/12/2009 12:33

we are married and don't wear rings...strange but true...we were together 7 years before OH decided it was important to him that we got married before our baby was born for legal reasons. I didn't want to particularly, my committment to him couldn't be any stronger so didn't seem much point, so this year we did it and told no-one, we don't wear rings and just grabbed a couple of witnesses off the street.

anyway, I digress...YABU, it is the easiest most failsafe term for addressing couples and they will correct you soon enough if they are bothered by it.

funwithfondue · 01/12/2009 12:40

What else should I have called the man I've lived with for ten years, share mortgage, bank account with etc?

We're now married, but for that time, 'Partner' was the most appropriate term to refer to each other by.

'Boyfriend' is trivial and teenage, and implies a short-term relationship between two young people.
'Boyfriend' didn't encapsulate the seriousness and commitment of our relationship, especially if we'd have children together before being married.

I agree that it's not ideal, but find me a better term in the English language.

stickylittlefingers · 01/12/2009 12:42

if you say it with an American accent (pardner) it sounds a bit John Wayne-ish. For more general ambience, helps if you tilt your stetson a little.

tethersend · 01/12/2009 12:43

"I agree that it's not ideal, but find me a better term in the English language."

Dave

[flogging a dead horse emoticon]

funwithfondue · 01/12/2009 12:45

Sorry, just posted without reading the thread... cardinal mumsnet sin I know.

But 'Dave' is my FIL! So that would only get complicated...

tethersend · 01/12/2009 12:47

...or exciting!

WreckOfTheHesperus · 01/12/2009 12:50

My DP of nigh-on 20 years is my (ironic) "other half", I am often "the Mrs" or "her indoors".

And if someone refers to DP as my husband I used to correct them, but now I don't bother, as it seems a bit precious, and pretty irrelevent.

givecarrotsachance · 01/12/2009 13:42

YANBU.

It sounds utterly awful and totally pretentious.

Before marriage, my husband and I referred to each other as girlfriend and boyfriend despite me being mid 30s and him mid 40s.

It's like being a Ms when divorced. I went back to being a Miss. Didn't care whether people thought I was an old maid - that's their problem, not mine. Better than being a raving feminist.

It's acceptable in a gay relationship, business relationship and for your dance partner. Otherwise you're saying, "I'm too self conscious to say BF or GF but I want people to think I really luuurve my bloke/girl but I still don't want to commit to them with marriage."

I have no problem with long term unmarried relationships. I don't think anyone should feel they should get married if they disagree with the institution. But don't be all poncey about it, FFS.

McSnail · 01/12/2009 14:00

What's poncey about saying partner? Far better than 'girlfriend' or 'boyfriend' which sounds (imo) ridiculous and twee when you're in your thirties and older.

Partner's fine.

cumbria81 · 01/12/2009 14:11

OK, so for those of you who think it's fine to use partner, at what age does it become appropriate and how long do you have to be with someone before you are allowed to call them "partner" rather than "boyfriend?"

londonlottie · 01/12/2009 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dreamygirl · 01/12/2009 14:43

Absolutely, as long as we get to choose how to define our own relationships and titles - I too get irritated by those forms that don't let you put husband and I don't like being addressed as Ms by people who know I'm married.

I quite like this Dave idea though...

slimyak · 01/12/2009 14:49

Oh I love the idea of a 'Dave'. Unfortunately my ex husband is called Dave so that wouldn't be exciting just argument provoking me thinks. I like it as a concept tho.

I do refer to my now partner as my Craig. That's his name and I have both a friend outside of work and a work colleague with partners called Craig so the habit of him being my Craig has crept in.

I don't really like partner either but I'm not offended by it and without a viable alternative that allows me to be a grown up it will have to do.

There again I'm also a Ms - and was prior to previous marriage and during it. I like my status to remain a secret, purely to annoy people who get wound up by such trivia - or maybe I'm a closet raving feminist.

Original poster
marantha · 01/12/2009 15:36

dreamygirl, A lot of governmental forms will no longer let you put husband on the grounds that they do not want to discriminate between unmarried and married relationships. Particularly if the form involves a person trying to get money out of them which may be subject his/her marital status i.e. if your married/unmarried partner earns, you get nowt.
That is, they like to class as many people as being in committed relationships as they possibly can so they can avoiding paying out money (this may not be the DIRECT intention- but I am a cynic).
So when they tell you that they treat all relationships -married or UNmarried- the same what they mean is that they'll treat an unmarried person as a unit -whether they like it or not- thus depriving them of money. Funnily enough, though, you can only RECEIVE certain benefits such as widow's pension IF ACTUALLY MARRIED. Ain't equality great!

OP posts:
BelfastBloke · 01/12/2009 15:40

Glad you find givecarrots's post hilarious, londonlottie. Does she win the award for the most ignorant and irritating post on this thread, or indeed, on MN today?

"It sounds utterly awful and totally pretentious. Before marriage, my husband and I referred to each other as girlfriend and boyfriend despite me being mid 30s and him mid 40s. It's like being a Ms when divorced. I went back to being a Miss. Didn't care whether people thought I was an old maid - that's their problem, not mine. Better than being a raving feminist. It's acceptable in a gay relationship, business relationship and for your dance partner. Otherwise you're saying, "I'm too self conscious to say BF or GF but I want people to think I really luuurve my bloke/girl but I still don't want to commit to them with marriage." I have no problem with long term unmarried relationships. I don't think anyone should feel they should get married if they disagree with the institution. But don't be all poncey about it, FFS."

I can't think of anything to say to her that isn't a personal attack on her or the profound stupidity and ignorance of her post, but, as Mumsnet reminds us:

"Please bear in mind that this topic encourages posters to give their opinions - i.e. they might disagree with you. That said, in line with our Talk policy elsewhere, we don't allow personal attacks no matter how unreasonable you think someone is. Do report any you see. Thanks, MNHQ."

Original poster
marantha · 01/12/2009 15:41

Basically, if they get away with classing an unmarried couple as "living like married" in order to save money, they'll do it.
But if they can get out of paying money on the grounds that a couple were NOT formally married, they'll do that, too.
Because cohabitees living together for a long time and having children, mortgages and so on without actually being married is a newish concept which is in a bit of a state of flux (proposed cohabitee law and so on, they can get away with all kinds of s**t as regards cohabitees.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 01/12/2009 15:45

givecarrotsachance
Sorry but that post deserves a C&P response -
It sounds utterly awful and totally pretentious.

  • To many people, boyfriend and girlfriend sounds awful past a certain age/commitment level. I also think it's a bit pretentious to use the word fiance. Don't know why, just my prejudice. But I wouldn't criticise anyone for doing it.

Before marriage, my husband and I referred to each other as girlfriend and boyfriend despite me being mid 30s and him mid 40s.

-well that's daft IMO. But again, each to their own. I don't find you pretentious for doing so, a bit inaccurate maybe, but heyho.

It's like being a Ms when divorced. I went back to being a Miss. Didn't care whether people thought I was an old maid - that's their problem, not mine. Better than being a raving feminist.

I have been a Ms since I was 15. Am still Ms though married. I'd rather be a raving feminist than some sort of numpty who believes that feminist is a dirty word, or that it's reasonable to define yourself by your marital status. (disclaimer - not calling Misses or missuses numpties)

It's acceptable in a gay relationship, business relationship and for your dance partner.

  • so gay people have to mark themselves out as different to hetero types, and use an 'awful, pretentious' term. Why, why why exactly is it ok for gay couples but straight couples can only use bf or gf? As far as I know most gay couples go through the bf/gf state and transition to the partner state in time, just like we heteros actually! Bless..almost like regular people

Otherwise you're saying, "I'm too self conscious to say BF or GF but I want people to think I really luuurve my bloke/girl but I still don't want to commit to them with marriage."

-You are making a massive, ignorant, and wrong assumption about people's motivations in using the word.

I have no problem with long term unmarried relationships. I don't think anyone should feel they should get married if they disagree with the institution. But don't be all poncey about it, FFS.

  • dude - it's really not poncy to prefer to describe your life partner (which is what a spouse is) as something different to what your neighbour's 15 year old daughter has with the local spotty yoot.