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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being a miserable moo ?

85 replies

MillyMollyMoo · 30/11/2009 11:49

I'm 12 weeks pregnant, have been very sick and tired, DH has done an awful lot for me over the past few weeks whilst studying for an MBA and trying to find work as he was made redundant last November.

So we have very limited savings left, about £3k and obviously he gets JSA which has been paying the bills but it's dwindling.

Next issue is that DH wasn't particularly happy about this new baby, but one of his concerns was that we as a couple don't do much together anymore.

So whilst looking through his phone today for a number (he would do the same that really isn't an issue) I discover he has planned a night out with his fellow MBA students next Friday for a pizza - fine won't break the bank - but how is he getting home - taxi ?? £40 or is he staying out all night

I was invited on a mums night out with the school mums and had basically decided I couldn't afford it as I'd have to pay for a taxi or parking plus the meal and I figured that any spare cash we had should be going towards Christmas presents for the kids or at best we should have a night out together.

What do you think ?

OP posts:

meltedchocolate · 30/11/2009 11:58

Maybe a little miserable? Make a deal. One night out each before Christmas. If this is the night he choses then fine. Have a limit on spending that you both cant go over. It is up to him how he spends it.

(btw i am on JSA too, also looking forward to Christmas, so i know how you feel)

mayorquimby · 30/11/2009 11:59

yabu

kreecherlivesupstairs · 30/11/2009 12:08

YABA tiny bit U. I would want to know why he hadn't mentioned it to you TBH. If it is just a question of him getting home and the cost, wouldn't he be better spending the night at a friend's house anyway.

Original poster

MillyMollyMoo · 30/11/2009 12:11

Well yes I agree, especially as the texts are primarily from a young lady who I caught him having a coffee with the week before and he looked like a rabbit in the headlights when I walked in.

I am trying not to be unreasonable because I know pregnancy clouds my judgement and I do not want to be the whinging old bag at home and push him into the arms of the young lovely.

OP posts:

VinegarTits · 30/11/2009 12:13

How did you find out about the night out by looking for a phone number? or did you accidently read his texts? YABU

itsmeolord · 30/11/2009 12:15

YANBU tp be peeved that he has not considered finances in the same way that you have, ie, how to get home, is there enough in the first place etc etc.
You are also not unreasonable to be peeved that he is going with someone who he obviously thinks he shouldn't really be spending too much time with (the caught in the headlights thing).

However, he is NU for wanting a night out, sounds like its been a bit of a slog for a while with uni, redundancy etc.
And I think that YABU to have gone through his text messages etc, you didn't need to do that to get a number.

Original poster

MillyMollyMoo · 30/11/2009 12:18

No the phone number was from a text which I needed but it would seem reading his texts was a good idea after all, when would he have told him exactly ?
Trust me he would have done the same if he'd needed a number and I wouldn't have any problem with that .... but then I would have also mentioned the coffee and the night out too.

OP posts:

Original poster

MillyMollyMoo · 30/11/2009 12:20

And yes I did have a bloody good read through them when the first one said do you think you'd stay the night, wouldn't you ?

OP posts:

diddl · 30/11/2009 12:21

I don´t think a pizza out is too bad, but I think the taxi would make it unreasonable tbh.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 30/11/2009 12:22

Putting my detectives hat on for a moment. There is obviously more to this than the pizza staying out coming home in a taxi issue.

VinegarTits · 30/11/2009 12:22

you could have got the phone number from one text, you didnt have to read his other texts, there is obviously deeper issues here

traceybath · 30/11/2009 12:23

Well I think him going out is ok - could he drive to keep costs down?

But is that the issue or do you suspect he's up to no good/contemplating being up to no good with the coffee girl?

Original poster

MillyMollyMoo · 30/11/2009 12:24

Well yes there is more to it, 2 weeks ago I was being asked to abort the baby so we could have more of a life/time together and now it seems that any spare cash would be better spent on a pizza with this young lady (ok amongst others).

Am trying not to over react but it's not easy.

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 30/11/2009 12:24

Mstits, should we open a private investigation agency. I was typing my reply while milly wrote her justification.

VinegarTits · 30/11/2009 12:27

So is it just the two of them on this night out? i think you need to talk to him

PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 30/11/2009 12:28

Separating out the issues:

You need to work out a budget which allows you both to have the odd night out, and spells out how much you're planning on spending on Christmas. You both need a break from time to time, and the shared money should reflect that.

Do you have real concerns about your H's faithfulness? If there's a problem, do you absolutely want to know? What sort of questions are you prepared to ask? How would you open up the discussion?

You're in a vulnerable state, so before you open a can of worms, I do think you need to think about how you would handle the conversations, what would reassure you, what you would do in a worst case etc etc. While it would be bad to brood and magnify things, if you start a conversation sounding like a miserable moo you may not get the clarity you need...

Good luck.

Original poster

MillyMollyMoo · 30/11/2009 12:30

I don't think it's a cosy dinner for two, but lets face it, when I was a young slip of a thing I'd arrange a night out with a group and end up in a bar or club in a 1 to 1 situation, accidently on purpose, I'm sure I'm not the only one.

OP posts:

meltedchocolate · 30/11/2009 12:30

As my lil siser would say... Chillax.......

Let him have a bit of fun... I am sure he was just worried incase you thoguht it was more than a coffee... I would be the same!

Original poster

MillyMollyMoo · 30/11/2009 12:33

Per I think this is my main gripe, there isn't really anything at all available.

I didn't have concerns, I suppose I was peeved about the coffee but didn't read too much into it, the fact that he didn't mention this meal out and there's going to be alcohol involved just doesn't sit right, am sorry but it doesn't. Am sure I'm being a old bag but that's how I feeel.

OP posts:

meltedchocolate · 30/11/2009 12:34

BTW OP, my DH and I dont share the view of text reading that MN is obsessed with either. We like to have a good nosey with each others texts. Why not? It is not big deal to us... I dont understand why it would be. I hide nothing from DH and I wouldnt expect him to hide anything from me. Texts included, so YANBU to have read his texts.

DandyLioness · 30/11/2009 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

meltedchocolate · 30/11/2009 12:38

You need to have a good chat out with your DH about the baby if it isnt yet sorted.

So it is just them going out together alone? I hadnt understood that. That is totally inappropriate for a husband IMHO. My DH is allowed to spend time with women but not alone for a night out or something similar. Same rule for me.

Original poster

MillyMollyMoo · 30/11/2009 12:44

Melted I don't think it's going to start out just the two of them, but could in my over actitive imagination totally see how it could end up just the two of them in a club/bar after the meal which she has suggested is what she'd like to happen (the club/bar) not just the two of them otherwise he'd be wearing his balls for earing already.

Dandy The cost is kind of part of it, because if there's spare money we should be having treats no matter whether he's up to no good or not, IMO.
The coffee thing I think was spur of the moment in the local starbucks, but to say he shit himself when I walked in is an understatement and he actually knew I was planning Christmas shopping in that area.

OP posts:

mamas12 · 30/11/2009 12:45

If he has complained of not enough togetherness why don't you suggest a night out together on the same night as this other night and sit back and see what happens.
You do need to talk though don't you.
You don't sound very confident in this relationship atm and that needs sorting before baby comes along.

Original poster

MillyMollyMoo · 30/11/2009 12:47

He knows I know mama otherwise that would have been a good idea, me and my big mouth

OP posts:

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