Am I being a miserable moo ?

[MillyMollyMoo]

I'm 12 weeks pregnant, have been very sick and tired, DH has done an awful lot for me over the past few weeks whilst studying for an MBA and trying to find work as he was made redundant last November.

So we have very limited savings left, about £3k and obviously he gets JSA which has been paying the bills but it's dwindling.

Next issue is that DH wasn't particularly happy about this new baby, but one of his concerns was that we as a couple don't do much together anymore.

So whilst looking through his phone today for a number (he would do the same that really isn't an issue) I discover he has planned a night out with his fellow MBA students next Friday for a pizza - fine won't break the bank - but how is he getting home - taxi ?? £40 or is he staying out all night

I was invited on a mums night out with the school mums and had basically decided I couldn't afford it as I'd have to pay for a taxi or parking plus the meal and I figured that any spare cash we had should be going towards Christmas presents for the kids or at best we should have a night out together.

What do you think ?

I have already confronted him about the emails - he says I am making it up/got it all wrong or tries to turn it around on me hence I need something a bit more solid.

He's just full of shit, I know that, denied meeting her for coffee then admitted it but said he lied because of the way he knew I'd react, says the emails aren't what I can see in black and white and makes me out to be a bunny bioler - which is how I feel right now.
He has to go out on Christmas day to collect his mother and I am literally shaking at the thought of him leaving the house alone.

Shit, MMM I am so sorry, but it looks pretty conclusive that he is already carrying on with her.

Can you check his emails? I think the facebook thing is possibly a bad idea, you'd have to add all his friends to make it look legit and one of them is bound to mention it to him in real life and then you'll look like a nutter.

Did you ever find out if the pizza was in a gang or just the two of them? Of course if he didn't get back til 3.30 then they could have gone off for a while afterwards.

It was very wrong of him to ask you to have a termination. The time to talk about family planning is BEFORE you get pregnant. If you'd wanted it and bought it up as a topic of discussion then that's a different matter but to say it when you're about 9 or 10 weeks is horrible. If he didn't want any more kids why didn't he have the snip?

Where did you find the present? May be as well to start keeping as much evidence as poss - can you take a photo of it and put it back where you found it?

Sounds like he is the type who will lie and deny until he is blue in the face so you need hard proof.

Again, so sorry that he is being such a wanker and at such a delicate and difficult time for you.

You know him best - do you think this is just a moment of madness bought on by feeling emasculated at his lack of work/fearful about the new baby that can be resolved? Or do you think he's going to throw it all away for the 23 year old nurse?

Don't understand where the nurse springs up from. She wouldn't be hanging out with the MBA'ers, too young. How have they got together do you know?

MillyMolly,

I really feel for you. Its amazing how some women are so stupid and immoral as to throw themselves on someone else's husband and break up their family!

I would confront him to ask if he would risk losing everything for a silly fling and how he could face his children for doing something like that...

Be strong, and don't get too upset (for the baby!!)

xx

The nurse thing is a bit confusing - it actually would seem she isn't a nurse at all - I had her mixed up with another person on the course. But she is 23 straight from Uni.

So the bear bones are that, he's met this girl for coffee on her own, they've then had a night out which I am going to choose to believe is with the group, from which he arrives back at 3.30am.
The emails are too flirty from him for my liking, her responses aren't actually anything to be worried about it's him.
The phone is being stored under our bed at night, never charging whilst I am up. and all messages in and out are deleted.
The present it would seem is for me, a bit random but nevermind at least it's not going to her.

Am so upset but there's nothing to put your finger on right now and say that's it, there's my eveidence.
Are gut feelings ever right ?

|TYpically, MBAs are not done by people straight out of a 1st degree. 23 is way way young. Where has he dug her up from would be my question..

Hi MMM,

I would, in your position, be TELLING DH that his phone needs to be accessible and not hidden as in doing so he is dmaging what little trust there is left! I would also be having serious words about his flirtatious emails, texts, rolling in at 3.30am, meeting young woman for coffee etc BUT I would be doing so AFTER Christmas.

I know it must be hard but I would seriously try to put a smile on for tomorrow, not for him, but for you and your DC's.

Then, once the festivities are done I would let him have it and be laying down some ground rules about what is and what isn't acceptable behaviour from a DH in relation to other women!

Hope you manage to have a nice Christmas..

Thank you LisaD, I shall do. He's having a shower when he gets in and I shall need the phone to call my mother whilst he's in there, lets see how that goes down.

Catinthehat - I know what you're saying I've seen other course related emails and on her friends list are people 10 years older who are also on the course.

I have also plastered his FB profile with pics of me and the kids, me as a size 8 lol etc etc.
I don't want to catch him out I want to make it crystal he's not available, so that might backfire as she may not give a shit but then I feel justified in taking her head off if anything does turn out to be going on.

You're relying on staying a size 8 and having facebook pics of your kids to stop your husband having an affair? Not relying on him not to have one?

I do feel for you MMM. I was in a very similar situation a few months ago.

In our case it turned out that my DP was being a sad old git. Like you I monitored the situation closely then when I felt he really overstepped the mark (texts got sexual rather than flirty) I confronted him and texted her.

I went to Relate by myself a few times which really helped me. He eventually agreed to go.

We both have trust issues, but I think we've gotten over it.

So the very best of luck. He might just be being a bit of a saddo and embarrassing himself.

For some reason I feel like I need to put another side of this - you say that he is flirty but the girl is not - it is possible that she's not interested. You do have 3 children and another on the way, most young women (I think) would not set out to get a man who has a home life like that. I have had male friends in my life who were attached, I would never have touched them with a bargepole.

The issue here is that you don't trust HIM. If he is flirting and it doesn't get anywhere he may move onto someone else if that is what he is looking for. Trying to scare this woman off with facebook profiles and the like all seems a bit, well, childish. You and your OH are adults, can't you try and sit down and talk to him properly about all this? If not why not? That is the question really. I don't see how all this soap opera style stuff is going to get you anywhere.

I mean if it is all innocent and he finds out you have set a facebook up in his name, invited this woman as a friend and put loads of photos up, well he's going to do his nut and quite rightly so IMO.

So is she really a girlfriend of one of the other chaps on the course? A hanger on? Sounds an utter nightmare. Bear in mind there are a lot of grownups on an MBA course who are going to be looking right down their noses at this sort of immature behaviour with a kid (OK 23, but that is what it looks like).

APart from the family issues, MBAs help in netwroking later on. He is going to have this perving hanging round his neck forever if he isn't careful - does he realise? And MBA courses are the most incestuous gossipy groups in the world.... Tell him that as well! It will affect his future inmore ways than one.

It's entirely possible she's not interested, she did say in an email if he needed to talk she was there, could be entirely innocent.

I agree it's all a bit childish, I genuinely don't know what else to do, she is on the course, not a girlfriend a couple of them are very young, straight from Uni and most are NHS staff, IMO it's a complete waste of money and time especially on the networking side but he has to do something to keep his spirits up. I've had it out with him and he doesn't have acceptable answers so short of telling him I want him to stop the course I feel a bit overwhelmed as to how to proceed.

and you have set yourself up for him to have trust issues with you (just as I did).

I think you've both got some work to do, and I know its a cliche, but your relationship could be better for it.

Nobody can blame you for feeling shit about all this, but you can make this better if you want to. He hasn't actually done anything wrong, he might have done things you don't agree with (spending money on a night out without you), but you have done something wrong, and that's set him up.

Delete the facebook stuff and talk to him. Tell him you are worried, you feel vulnerable but you still love him and want to work at this together. If you don't come clean it will eat you up and hurt you more.

Good luck, but you can get through this. To my mind, its not a dealbreaker.

I find that men tend to want to have their cake and eat it too - i.e. want the benefits of wife and enjoy home life and children - but then want to feel young and hang out with hot chicks too. Makes me sick (I see that in the guys at work). But when push comes to shove, they won't leave the family.

Ohforfoxsake - we did all that on Sunday and still the phone is hidden and I know I have sent him texts, but my texts and the responses have been deleted.
am going to take a breather otherwise I'll get myself all worked up again.
Thanks for talking it through with me.

Yes what ohforfoxsake says.

I hope that you can have an OK xmas.

He did lie too, when asked if he had coffee with the girl he said no and then later admitted it.

IMO, and I've been there numerous times with some of my deadbeat exes, There IS something fishy going on. I can honestly say that if nothing has happened yet, it doesn't mean that HE doesn't want something to happen. I cannot understand why women always blame the other woman, MMM's H is the one with the responsibilities to MMM and their DC's, not this other woman. Who knows WHAT he is telling this obviously immature 23yo? My wife doesn't understand me, I am going to leave her, she's mental, blah blah blah. Luckily, I have not been daft enough to fall for that crock of shit rubbish since my DD's father (in my defence, I was only 16, he was 26 and should have known better), but the OW may not have come across pondscum wankers idiots like that before. I'm sorry to say, it really does sound as if something fishy is going on, or is wanted to be going on, but on the other hand, I hope MMM can wait til after Christmas to do something about it, if only for the DC's.

MMM, I sympathise with your situation, I really do. But the facebook thing isn't going to help you. The OW could easily mention it to him and he'll find out - even if you're not trying to catch him out you'll look as if you are. I really think you should delete the account.

From what you've said, I'm not convinced that there's something going on with this woman - yet. However, if my DH had done all this I would be seriously pissed off. So I think you need to make him understand that what he's already done is unacceptable to you (emailing another woman saying he's frustrated with you, meeting for coffee in secret, lying about it, etc) - even if that's all there is to it right now. A discussion based on you asking if he's having an affair and him denying it is going to go nowhere.

Maybe it's time for a broader, frank discussion about your relationship - 'I know you're not happy, tell me why. Let's try and fix it', that type of thing.

Hope you manage to have a nice day tomorrow anyway.

Just tell him honestly exactly how you're feeling and try and have an adult conversation together. The Facebook stuff is really silly IMO.

Perhaps he feels trapped, perhaps he was telling the truth when he said that he lied about going for a coffee because he knew you'd kick off. Or maybe he does indeed want to have an affair? You won't know unless you talk.

Right so now tell me if im the worlds biggest sucker please. I didn't mention before because I had no proof but the week after this night
out he had a job interview that involved staying overnight. Well I smelt a rat and phoned the hotel and theyd not heard of him this led to a huge row on Xmas eve where he admitted that a he had stayed out to three am the first night out by going to the cinema with a girl from the MBA group and then completely made up the interview and gone on another night out didn't want to tell me so slept in his car overnight at a service station. Anyone believe him ?

what a pile of crap

there is no way he slept in the car

i would assume he is cheating on you