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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my friend is a nutter

39 replies

asteri · 30/11/2009 11:05

well, I recently went out to lunch with a friend Id not seen in a while, had a good catch up and broke the news to her that DH and I had finally agreed that the time is right to TTC. She has a 8 month old DS and so we started talking babies and so I just casually said "doesnt it feel exciting when you decide to start a family" to which she confided in me that she got pregnant "in secret". I asked what she meant and she said she poked holes in their condoms and hid her birth control pills (whilst telling her OH that she was taking them). apparently she was sick of him "dragging his feet over the issue" and decided that this was the best course of action.
I thought this was only something nut jobs in soaps/u.s "dramas" did.
Now whilst I know its none of my business and I cant do anything and am definately not getting involved in this, AIBU to be totally shocked that someone could deceive someone they love in such a way.

OP posts:

girlsyearapart · 30/11/2009 11:14

YANBU yes that is nuts.

Is her name Ronnie Mitchell?

Don't get involved though- asking for trouble. Does her DH know what she did or does he think he has uber sperm??

Original poster

asteri · 30/11/2009 11:17

he must think he has uber sperm, mind you he's not the sharpest tool in the shed . She just always seemed so "normal"

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 30/11/2009 11:18

Is her DH happy now?

It's the sort of thing that you have to be pretty desperate to do: you have to either really believe that the potential father will be happy when it happens, or you have to be prepared to break up over it.

Very stupid to go telling people she did it though, what happens if it gets back to her DH?

Original poster

asteri · 30/11/2009 11:20

TrillianAstra they seem happy enough, I suppose ignorance is bliss. but youre right telling anyone you did it kinda defeats the purpose of doing it "in secret"

OP posts:

MadameDuBain · 30/11/2009 11:28

It was wrong and I would never have done it, but I understand her desperation. My DP dragged his feet BIG style and it was extraordinarily frustrating, because I knew he would be happy when it happened (and I was right). He hates the prospect of change and will try to put any life-changing event off forever, but deals with it fine when it actually comes along. Because of that, we might have never had DC even though he said he wanted them "eventually". (When I asked him how long, he thought it would be fine to start TTC at 40!)

I will admit that I did a lot of crying and wailing and arguing to get him to see how much I wanted to start TTC. I'm not proud of it but I wasn't going to suppress my feelings.

You know what fucking infuriates me - that so many newspaper articles and commentators bang on about silly women wanting to "have it all" and focus on their careers delay TTC - when a vast number of women would like to have children a lot earlier if it wasn't for their recalcitrant partners.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 30/11/2009 11:31

How would he have missed the jizz fountain leaking out of his condom? Maybe he was complicit in the deceit.

jasper · 30/11/2009 11:31

YANBU

tinykins · 30/11/2009 11:33

I wouldnt have done it but I don't necessarily think she was wrong. If he was open to the idea of kids eventually why not push it forward. If she had waited till he was ready, they may not have been able to conceive naturally by then, thats what happened to a friend of mine, who let her husband dither and delay the issue, and now she has been told she left it too late and will have to try IVF.

Original poster

asteri · 30/11/2009 11:38

MadameDubain
"You know what fucking infuriates me - that so many newspaper articles and commentators bang on about silly women wanting to "have it all" and focus on their careers delay TTC - when a vast number of women would like to have children a lot earlier if it wasn't for their recalcitrant partners"
Totally agree.

OP posts:

Original poster

asteri · 30/11/2009 11:39

kreecherlivesupstairs: complicit maybe not, he's just a bit dim lol.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 30/11/2009 11:39

YANBU - it can be a very dangerous course of action. Glad it's worked out ok for her; it doesn't always.

My DH is younger than me and suggested that we wait until he was 35 as that seemed like a good age to him - but would be way too late for me to start thinking about it - so I convinced him to start immediately, about 5y before he thought! But I wouldn't have done it secretly.

Morloth · 30/11/2009 11:43

Yuck and what if he hadn't accepted that it was an accident? What if even though it was an accident he wanted either an abortion or a divorce? What if he finds out and decides he can't live with someone so dishonest? What about the baby then?

Children deserve to be wanted by all parties, it isn't always possible but you can at least try not to set them up for problems.

Original poster

asteri · 30/11/2009 11:48

Morloth I couldnt agree more. Surely its better to try and talk to your husband about your feelings and reasons for wanting a baby (it took me ages to get the courage up) and hoe he understands or compromise than to "trick" him into it.

OP posts:

nothingofthesort · 30/11/2009 11:59

Yes she's nuts. I really don't understand men who do this. Would they be happy if it happened to them but with the roles reversed (woman doesn't want a child and man does)?

nothingofthesort · 30/11/2009 12:00

I meant WOMEN who do this. Obviously men too though.

meltedchocolate · 30/11/2009 12:06

It wasn't fair of her, no and at the time she was probably so desperate that she ended up acting nutty. Dont hold it against her. Does she admit that it was prob a mistake (in that she should have been patient - not that baby was a mistake)?

I would NEED to confess to DH tbh if i had dont such a thing. I couldnt lie about it all this time.

EmsieRo · 30/11/2009 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

asteri · 30/11/2009 12:20

meltedchocolate, she doesnt admit it was a mistake, in some way I suppose she thought this was the best thing for her to do and as its all turned out rosey she has no reason to regret.

OP posts:

nothingofthesort · 30/11/2009 12:27

"Sometimes men just need to be pushed in the right direction..."

Do you think it works the other way too? If a woman is not interested in children and determined to pursue her career for the time being do you think it's ok to trick her into a pregnancy since she probably doesn't know what's good for her? She might be delighted once she has the baby after all.

Ixia · 30/11/2009 12:38

My DH needed a lot of "cajoling", even then it took us 3yrs ttcing, if we'd waited longer we'd probably never have a child. He worships the ground DD walks on

I remember whinging about his reluctance at the time and friends said "why don't you arrange a happy accident?". I wouldn't, but thought it must be commonplace for women to do this...maybe not, judging by this thread.

meltedchocolate · 30/11/2009 12:43

Thats true OP and she is fortunate it has all turned out rosey.

Totally agree with nothing it is wrong on so many levels and a man would get bombed for doing this BUT it is done, and they are now happy. The is no point in judging her for it.

reservejudgement · 30/11/2009 13:24

I think this is probably very common but I doubt very many women would actually admit to it, even to a close friend. It's not right though and she is very lucky it's turned out ok.

Original poster

asteri · 30/11/2009 15:11

Its just really bizarre, I suppose she is lucky that things turned out ok for her, they could have been a LOT worse.

OP posts:

ChilloHippi · 30/11/2009 15:57

Each to their own I suppose.

SolidGoldBangers · 30/11/2009 16:11

That women have a finite amount of time in which to have DC naturally and men don't is unfair but it's a;so tough shit.
It doesn't make it ok to enforce fatherhood on a man who doesn't want to have DC yet - if ever.

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