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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my friend is a nutter

39 replies

asteri · 30/11/2009 11:05

well, I recently went out to lunch with a friend Id not seen in a while, had a good catch up and broke the news to her that DH and I had finally agreed that the time is right to TTC. She has a 8 month old DS and so we started talking babies and so I just casually said "doesnt it feel exciting when you decide to start a family" to which she confided in me that she got pregnant "in secret". I asked what she meant and she said she poked holes in their condoms and hid her birth control pills (whilst telling her OH that she was taking them). apparently she was sick of him "dragging his feet over the issue" and decided that this was the best course of action.
I thought this was only something nut jobs in soaps/u.s "dramas" did.
Now whilst I know its none of my business and I cant do anything and am definately not getting involved in this, AIBU to be totally shocked that someone could deceive someone they love in such a way.

OP posts:

QueenofDreams · 30/11/2009 16:20

I knew a bloke who had a casual shag arrangement with a lady (never met her). She got pregnant, and it turned out she'd been sabotaging the condoms.
But then she decided to have a termination.
I'll admit I've never quite understood that one. The guy (although a nice enough bloke) was definitely not up for being a supportive father. So maybe that's why she had the termination. But then, he was always pretty clear that he was never going to be a live in, full time dad. So I don't get why she did the sabotage thing in the first place.

Original poster

asteri · 30/11/2009 16:34

solidgoldbangers couldnt agree more, it is unfair but she also has to take into account his feelings, and if she wanted children more than she wanted to be married to him then she should have done the decent thing and either respected that and not had children or found someone who wanted to be a father as much as she wanted to be a mother (and I know easier said than done) but tricking him into it just seems so unfair.

OP posts:

EmsieRo · 30/11/2009 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadameDuBain · 30/11/2009 20:20

I have to agree that there is a difference. Not that that makes doing this OK though, and like I said, I think it's wrong - but, it is a woman's body that carries the baby so if it were the other way round it would be a different situation. If you caused someone else to become pregnant by a sneaky trick like this, I think that would be worse, somehow.

I wonder if any men do go around making holes in condoms for this reason?

NanBullen · 30/11/2009 20:32

ok, so how do you put holes in a condom without the bloke realising that the packet has been opened already? am i being thick?

SolidGoldBangers · 30/11/2009 21:05

I don't know about holes in condoms but I have heard of blokes claiming that they'd had the snip/ were infertile when that wasn't actaully true (though this was more in order to get sex without a condom than actually to impregnate the woman).

SolidGoldBangers · 30/11/2009 21:06

Also, have heard once or twice about what is basically domestic rape, he wants DC and she doesn't so he rapes her without a condom - it's pretty rare but it does occur.

InMyLittleHead · 30/11/2009 21:06

stick the needle through the packet? Not that I would know, ahem.

NanBullen · 30/11/2009 21:11

oooh sneaky!

nikki1978 · 30/11/2009 21:12

My DH always used to squeeze the end of the condom after tying it in a knot just to check tbere were no holes - not because he thought I was a nutter myself but these things do happen!

Always thought it was a sensible idea and that most men did it?

sherby · 30/11/2009 21:19

Is it that I know about 3 women who have done this!

I didn't think it was that weird tbh, the men didn't NOT want children they were just rubbish at deciding when etc. It didn't matter to them so much as they weren't going to be home with the children/putting careers on hold but it bloody mattered to the DW's.

So they arranged 'happy accidents' at times suited to them and their study/careers/already being on maternity leave

I think lots of men would just never make their minds up about when they want the first/next one, maybe because it isn't so important to them?

TheFoosa · 02/12/2009 08:48

I knew someone who poked holes in her parents condoms ( she was about 11/12)

it worked as well

girlsyearapart · 02/12/2009 08:56

was it me- me and my sister are 12 years apart..

wannaBe · 02/12/2009 09:33

I am that there are women that think this is ok. It's not. And tbh if the woman is on the pill and the man is still using condoms then that is imo a pretty good indication that he does not want a child yet. Nobody has the right to make that decision on behalf of another person, no matter how happy you think they might be about it.

And no it is no different if a man did this to a woman. Yes the woman might be the one that carries the baby but this isn't just about having a baby is it? The woman only carries the baby for nine months, but you are a parent for life.

And fwiw I know couples where the man has wanted children before the woman, but you don't hear people suggesting he puncture the condom.

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