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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if you offer someone a bag of hand-me-downs they should accept it without rummaging through the contents and taking the best bits?

96 replies

plantwoman · 29/11/2009 12:57

I have just offered a friend of mine a bag of my daughters clothes that she has grown out of. She is only 1 so most of it is like new.
My friend, whose daughter is 6 months, has said that she would like to have a look and take what is suitable.
Maybe I am being oversensitive, but when I have been offered bags of clothes, I have been really grateful even if some of it isn't to my taste and I end up sending bits to the charity shop once I've sorted through it.
I would have felt like I was being really rude if i'd rummaged through a bag of clothes in front of the person that had given them to me!
Or is that just me being far too polite??

OP posts:
whoingodsnameami · 29/11/2009 12:58

You're right, it's rude.

MitchyInge · 29/11/2009 12:59

what is the point of her taking things that might not fit or be suitable though?

shockers · 29/11/2009 12:59

I think it's potentially embarassing... what if she hated all of it?
But she could have thought that you may want to give the stuff she can't use to someone else.
Personally, I'd do the same as you.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 29/11/2009 12:59

I always accept the lot then put the rest on freecycle.

But maybe she just didn't want to take what she didn't need, not knowing if you might pass it on to someone else?

I nce had someone on freecycle do this though (so a perfect stranger), she took only the pristine 'label' clothes too. I was mighty anoyed.

badietbuddy · 29/11/2009 13:00

I think you are being a tad unreasonable. It is easy to get swamped with handmedowns from well meaning friends. I do agree that she should have taken the bag then rummaged in private though, to spare your feelings.

Emprexia · 29/11/2009 13:02

I dont see what the problem is, why take things that wont fit or arent suitable? If she takes the lot then she has to pass on or offer back what she doesnt want.

It wouldnt bother me, my tastes aren't everyones and as they're 'my' clothes then its my responsibility to carboot or charity shop what i cant pass on to someone else.

TamsinToo · 29/11/2009 13:04

I can see what you're saying and can see both sides. However my sister had a big clear out and sent a huge bag of stuff for DS2. It wasn't a question about taking the best bits it was just a lot of the stuff he really didn't need and some of it was stuff he would not wear (at the time would only wear stuff with Dr Who on them). I felt like sending the unwanted stuff back as I felt I had been dumped with a load of stuff that I then had to take to the charity shop or the the other dilemma and (a whole new thread) is it bad manners to put stuff you've been given on ebay (a lot of the stuff were designer labels)???

In effect I was doing her a favour by getting rid of a load of her unwanted stuff. (I ended up giving it to charity shop in case you were wondering but only after asking if there was anyone else she knew who may appreciate the stuff).

CybilLiberty · 29/11/2009 13:04

. Why should she take it all just because you gave it to her. Then she's got to find the time to get rid when really you should have done that

pointydogg · 29/11/2009 13:04

YABU. What is the point of her taking a pile of stuff and then having to find time to take half of it to a charity shop? Of course someone should only take what they will need. Seems common sense to me.

Earlybird · 29/11/2009 13:04

Mixed reaction from me.

On one hand, would seem a bit rude and ungrateful for her to sort through and 'judge' what she will/won't accept.

On the other hand, would you be upset is she took it all and then donated what she didn't want/couldn't use to a local charity shop?

Original poster
plantwoman · 29/11/2009 13:05

Mitchyinge - it should all fit as her daughter is 6 months younger.
I have had loads of handmedowns for DD, and to be honest probably half of it went to charity, as I didn't like it and i did receive stuff that was stained and past it's best as well.But I think that it is nice that people think of you when passing things on and to turn your nose up at all but the best bits is rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
plantwoman · 29/11/2009 13:06

Earlybird - no I would have no problem with her sending what she didn't want to the charity shop.

OP posts:
cat64 · 29/11/2009 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tidey · 29/11/2009 13:09

I agree OP - No problem with people picking the things they want and sending the rest to the charity shop, but it's only polite to take it home and do it. Seems rather like treating your home like a jumble sale to stand there and go through it all there and then.

AbricotsSecs · 29/11/2009 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pointydogg · 29/11/2009 13:10

I've always said that I have a bag of things we no longer need, do they want to look through it.

It's not to do with turning noses up, it's to do with what is useful and what they like depending on personal taste.

OrmIrian · 29/11/2009 13:11

No YANBU. That is rude. It is her job to deal with what you give her in one way or the other.

Providing that you are giving her things in good nick and that she can use and not in to great a quantity. I have been 'given' the entire contents of someone's loft - twice - once when SIL finally decided she wouldn't be having more babies, and once when next door emigrated. I was 6m pregnant with no3, still working full-time and I really didn't need to have to spend days sorting and clearing my dining room and taking loads to Oxfam twice in a month

pointydogg · 29/11/2009 13:13

I think it's ruder to give someone a bag of Stuff without letting them look through it first and see what might be suitable.

It's like saying, 'here's Stuff, be grateful and just take it off my hands'

Earlybird · 29/11/2009 13:14

I would not be inclined to offer her hand-me-down clothes again.

Would offer them to someone else, or take them directly to charity shop.

groundhogs · 29/11/2009 13:15

Maybe she didn't want to appear to be too greedy, by just taking the lot?

Earlybird · 29/11/2009 13:17

As I said before - next time, take everything directly to the charity shop.

Your ungrateful friend can rummage all she likes there, and pay for the items too!

groundhogs · 29/11/2009 13:18

I'd always go through stuff handed down to me by my friend, as my DS rapidly caught her's up, so many of his cast offs didn't fit my DS.

We'd sit and try stuff on him and hold things up against him, I don't think for a second that she would have been upset by this.

Sometimes my DS would only get a couple of weeks out of her handed down stuff, so I would post it up to my cousin for his son!

Emprexia · 29/11/2009 13:20

How odd... why should I be 'grateful' just because someones decided to bestow their hand-me-downs on me.. i'll be grateful for the things i want, but why the heck should it be my responsibility to get rid of the stuff i dont want/need?

Its like the giver is being upset because they think they're doing some huge act of kindness to save the poor person some money and get their poor widdle feelers hurt because the person you're giving it to is being practical... its not like you're giving away something you'll miss.

If you're that bothered, sell them so then your feelings wont get hurt at all!

hippipotamiHasLost77lbs · 29/11/2009 13:20

I often get bags of handmedowns for the dc from a kind friend. I always accept teh whole bag but then sort through it in private. I don't see the point in giving her back the unsuitable bits - after all she has no use for them (which is why she is passing them on after all) but wanted to give me first refusal on them.
I tend to take out the bits suitable for my dc, then either pass the rest on to another friend or give it to the charity shop.

nickytwotimes · 29/11/2009 13:22

DOes seem rather rude to me and I would not do that.

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