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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if you offer someone a bag of hand-me-downs they should accept it without rummaging through the contents and taking the best bits?

96 replies

plantwoman · 29/11/2009 12:57

I have just offered a friend of mine a bag of my daughters clothes that she has grown out of. She is only 1 so most of it is like new.
My friend, whose daughter is 6 months, has said that she would like to have a look and take what is suitable.
Maybe I am being oversensitive, but when I have been offered bags of clothes, I have been really grateful even if some of it isn't to my taste and I end up sending bits to the charity shop once I've sorted through it.
I would have felt like I was being really rude if i'd rummaged through a bag of clothes in front of the person that had given them to me!
Or is that just me being far too polite??

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 29/11/2009 13:22

I don't think it's rude at all - you might not have the same taste. One of you might be all pink n frilly and the other one might have more tomboy taste.

did she ask you for the clothes or did you just say 'here you are.' Some people (like me) just don't like the idea of second hand clothes.

Original poster

plantwoman · 29/11/2009 13:24

wasabi - it's not hurting my feelings I don't think it's a huge act of kindness.
I just think it's bad manners

OP posts:

ImSoNotTelling · 29/11/2009 13:24

YANBU

Arcadie · 29/11/2009 13:26

YABU I'm afraid. It's not rude it's self preservation. I have lots of lovely lovely friends and relations who offer ( without my asking) hand me downs. If I accepted them all I'd do little else but sort, catalogue and triage other people's clothes. Especially since they want them back when I'm done with them for any future children.

I do see that your own kids clothes may have a precious feel to them. There's a few bits of DS and DD's that we just won't even offer on because they have too many special memories. It's hard to see your fave items being passed over as a "just don't think we'd wear them" but it's one of those things I you just have to get over. They're just clothes

Original poster

plantwoman · 29/11/2009 13:29

no - i don't just hand them over - i do ask first!
Arcadie - DD is my 3rd child - believe me - I'm not precious about clothes!

OP posts:

tinkerbellesmuse · 29/11/2009 13:30

It's not rude - she wants to take what is suitable. That is pretty reasonable considering that your daughter is 1 and therefore was in summer clothes at the age your friend's daughter is now.

Emprexia · 29/11/2009 13:31

Well, i'm sorry.. i dont think your friend is being rude, i think you're being precious.

Trikken · 29/11/2009 13:38

I dont think you're being precious, think that your friend was being rude, she should have accepted the bag of clothes gratefully. As others have said she could have given away what wasnt suitable to charity shops.

you · 29/11/2009 13:39

Seeing as your DD is 6 months older than hers do you think she was just sorting them out to see what was weather appropriate?

Otherwise I don't think YABU. It is a bit rude.

diddl · 29/11/2009 13:42

It perhaps depends on circumstances.

For me it wouldn´t be a problem to take everything and take what I didn´t want to a charity shop.

Although in someways, why should she do this?

Although I might be tempted to take just the right size/season rather than obviously taking what I liked.

Prunerz · 29/11/2009 13:51

I think it is borderline unpleasant to expect her to be the one to do the inevitable charity shop/freecycle job.

Everyone knows that people generally get a LOT of hand-me-downs and while it is kind to give them, we are not talking about donating a kidney here.

And you know, as everyone does, that it is very satisfying to hand over a bag of clothes you don't want and be rid of them. She is doing you a favour by taking them...as much as you are doing her a favour by giving them. You don't have the moral high ground here.

Surely you can compromise and say 'take what you want, you are very welcome to it' instead of getting on your high horse that she didn't do an annoying job for you!

sweetnitanitro · 29/11/2009 13:56

I think it is rather rude. I've been well and truly credit-crunched so nearly all of DD's clothes are very gratefully received hand-me-downs. Some of them are not exactly to my taste but I'm just glad she has something clean and warm to wear.

ChunkyKitKat · 29/11/2009 13:56

YANBU, we are very lucky, there are about 3 parents I know who pass hand me downs on to dd.

I wouldn't rifle through the bag and give stuff back, I pass anything we don't need to the charity shop. The point is that the person giving it to me wants to pass all of the stuff on, saves them a trip to the charity shop and I benefit by having some clothes for dd.

Original poster

plantwoman · 29/11/2009 13:57

I suppose because in the handme downsstuff I have been given there has been some utter rubbish - far too small, stained, second hand absolutely trashed shoes - stuff that is really only suitable for the bin - I would never pass on stuff like this.
I have made plenty of trips to the charity shops - It isn't a problem - I am not expecting her to get rid of my rubbish for me. I thought the stuff might be useful that's all

OP posts:

Earlybird · 29/11/2009 14:00

She is doing you a favour by taking them' ????

The 'work' is sorting out what is outgrown, washing, folding and packing. Walking a few minutes to the charity shop to donate is the 'easy' part.

Original poster

plantwoman · 29/11/2009 14:06

prunerz - your comment made me chuckle about being 'borderline unpleasant' to have to take stuff to the charity shop!

We have big clothes and shoes bins in our village so you don't even need to step into the stinky horrid places - maybe you should have a word with your local council...

OP posts:

bibbitybobbityhat · 29/11/2009 14:07

Yanbu. Tis rude. I always received with the whole bundle with grateful thanks and passed on the things I didn't want later. I never felt hard done by to have to take a trip to the charity shop - I'd just been given a whole load of lovely free clothes!

Thingiebob · 29/11/2009 14:10

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It's rude. In return for getting a bag decent clothes for free for her daughter, she can dispose of/recycle the bits that aren't suitable.

I would accept graciously then sort through it at home. If it did turn out to be rubbish then I would think twice about accepting from that person again.

It's good manners.

TheBolter · 29/11/2009 14:12

I completely agree with Prunerz.

ICantFindAFreeNickName · 29/11/2009 14:12

YANBU - I would have felt exactly the same as you. I suggest you find someone else to donate your clothes to next time, or put it on freecycle sating that it all has to go as one lot.

Prunerz · 29/11/2009 14:14

I totally disagree. I HATE carting stuff to charity shops, and would far rather pass it all on to a willing recipient just so I don't have to think about it again.

Think about the feeling you get when you hand over the bag (who IRONS clothes to pass them on btw?!). Aahh, that's that little job done. Very satisfying. Off your hands, off your mind.

I think the OP has been cheated of a minor satisfaction and is a bit cross that her friend didn't make it easy for her! And this niggle is far outweighing the glow of having helped someone out.

Earlybird · 29/11/2009 14:14

The people who are claiming 'she is doing you a favour by taking them' make me think of the same 'I'll have that' mentality that can make Freecycle unpleasant.

plantwoman - you made a lovely gesture to a friend. Next time offer the clothes to someone else, or take them directly to the charity shop.

Prunerz · 29/11/2009 14:16

BTW I didn't say the charity shops are borderline unpleasant, I said something else................

MitchyInge · 29/11/2009 14:18

it really does depend upon whether the stuff was solicited or not

I hate having stuff dumped on me without being asked, and having to go through the motions of being grateful

Original poster

plantwoman · 29/11/2009 14:20

prunerz - whether i take them to a charity shop or not makes no odds to me.
It obviously bothers you though!

OP posts:

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