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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if you offer someone a bag of hand-me-downs they should accept it without rummaging through the contents and taking the best bits?

96 replies

plantwoman · 29/11/2009 12:57

I have just offered a friend of mine a bag of my daughters clothes that she has grown out of. She is only 1 so most of it is like new.
My friend, whose daughter is 6 months, has said that she would like to have a look and take what is suitable.
Maybe I am being oversensitive, but when I have been offered bags of clothes, I have been really grateful even if some of it isn't to my taste and I end up sending bits to the charity shop once I've sorted through it.
I would have felt like I was being really rude if i'd rummaged through a bag of clothes in front of the person that had given them to me!
Or is that just me being far too polite??

OP posts:

zazizoma · 29/11/2009 16:58

I have a dear friend who knows me well, and knows how picky selective I am. She asks me to go through the bag before I leave because she only wants me to take what I'll use. Like BitOfFun, it's inconvenient for me to get to a charity shop. This system works, and furthermore, I return to her the clothes when dd has outgrown them so that she can pass them onto her other friends or eBay them herself.

I do like MrsSantos's approach of clearly stating what she'd like to have happen. "Please take this bag and recycle, eBay or pass along anything you don't want." That would solve any misunderstanding about the intent behind the hand-me-downs. It's also an invitation to not sort in front of the giver, if that sort of thing is upsetting.

zazizoma · 29/11/2009 17:00

"Nice clothes in good condition" can be so subjective. And that's not even considering colour or style!

pointydogg · 29/11/2009 17:02

I never considered myself to be "really kiND" when I passed on clothes, toys and equipment. I just considered it as one of two options to get piles of clothes out of my house: friend or charity shop.

Earlybird · 29/11/2009 17:10

I don't consider myself 'really kind' when I take things to a charity shop. That is simply getting rid of something I no longer need/want.

I do consider i've done something helpful for a friend when I pass on dd's barely/gently worn clothing. I take real pleasure seeing my friend's child in clothes that once belonged to my dd.

greenblanket · 29/11/2009 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CatIsSleepy · 29/11/2009 17:24

there's no point taking stuff you don't want!

why would you? I wouldn't expect someone to take a great load of stuff from me without having a look over first-not everyone's taste is the same

we got given an enormous pile of baby clothes by a friend of my FIL-my FIL passed it on to us, I had had no idea it was coming, most of it wasn't of much use and ended up taking up storage space (which we have very little of) until I could put it in charity bags for collection

jamaisjedors · 29/11/2009 17:26

YABU.

I wish I were brave enough to do this with all the hand-me-downs we get given!

We are drowning in clothes and yet the DS don't have very many that actually fit them properly/are age-appropriate!

One friend/acquaintance (we share a childminder) used to hand me big bags of stuff and ask me to choose what I wanted and then charged me 2e for trousers and 1e for tops.

I liked that system and handed the rest back.

Now she just hands it all on, which is very kind, but 3/4 of it is no use to me.

She has, however made it clear she doesn't want any of it back, but as others have said, it's now up to me to get rid of the stuff, which is pretty difficult as I work full-time.

Another friend is "lending" us stuff, until he has another child.

He is no longer in a relationship and his son is now 6.

Our attic is overflowing.

poshsinglemum · 29/11/2009 17:31

YABU. Babay clothes take up so much space. You could always ebay the left over items or take them to a chatrity shop.

Earthstar · 29/11/2009 17:47

How is it not a gift to give someone who admires how you dress your own child a bag of stuff for their child that has only been worn very slightly if at all and which would easily fetch £200 second hand on ebay (30 items from last season's mini boden collection for example). How could the recipient possibly be doing the giver a favour here? Because to be honest I would sooner put the whole lot in my own rubbish bin outside my own back door than store it, wash it, iron it, bag it and deliver it to a recipient who is "doing me a favour".

Nobody hands stuff down to me, if they did I would be absolutely thrilled. I think a genuine "thank you" from the recipient is totally in order. That is all that is needed for my warm glow!

Prunerz I would say that if you think you are doing the giver a favour then just say no to the offer or you are risking offending the giver!

Chandon · 29/11/2009 17:51

easy solution:

Go through the items together: "Would these be in any way useful? Do you like this?"

What friend doesn´t want, I can take to charity shop (that´s not her job!).

desertgirl · 29/11/2009 19:15

Earthstar, the average bag of handed down clothes is not 'because someone has admired how you dress your own child' nor is it necessarily last season or of any particular label; it includes all sorts, some of which may have been handed down to them in turn... DS was certainly wearing clothes which had been through my brother's 2 boys and my sister's son before getting to him (this was at the age when they aren't quite so tough on clothes and grow out of them fast!) I've also had bags of clothes for DD from a friend of a friend with four daughters - I do appreciate them, and use (not necessarily all of) them, but some of them are worn to bits/not my style. Of course I say thank you, quite genuinely, but I don't see it as a 'gift'; I see it as a kind gesture, and a practical part of living in a community.

OP, people are different, she probably had no intention of being rude - some people expect you to sort through and take what you want, others don't. It would be a shame to let it bother you.

scottishmummy · 29/11/2009 19:26

god no i wouldn't rummage and discard in front of you.id say thanks and rummage and discard what i didn't want at home

inveteratenamechanger · 29/11/2009 19:28

I'm quite surprised that so many of you see hand-me-downs as a burden to be got rid of.

In my circle, handmedowns are much sought after. (We are all on middling incomes.)

A friend sometimes offers me her DS's clothes, and I always go through them and pick what I want, because I know she wants to offer what is left to another friend.

It would seem very wasteful to take the whole bag and give what I didn't want to the charity shot, when I know her other friend would like what I don't take.

scottishmummy · 29/11/2009 19:31

i give mine to HV.offered tons stuff to a colleague and she got really snippy thought i was insinuating she couldn't afford clothes.

so now i call hv she pops round collects and gives to her needy clients

LynetteScavo · 29/11/2009 19:33

I'm very at you all reciveing hand-me-downs. I have never reiceived anything, ever.

Bathsheba · 29/11/2009 19:38

My friends at church offered me their maternity clothes - I went through the bags, took what I could use, and passed them back - so that the owners of the clothes could decide what to do with them (whether to pass them on to someone else or to charity shop them).

I think it would have been more rude to take them all and then charity shop a large chunk of them because they didn't fit me (I'm really short and basically no-one's jeans etc ever fit me)...

I then leave it up to the owners of the clothes to decide what to do with them next.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 29/11/2009 20:02

When friends and I have passed on hand me downs, we have often done it over a cuppa so the recipient can pick and choose.

It wouldn't have bothered me. It doesn't make YU, just a different opinion on it really.

UnexpectedWasabi · 29/11/2009 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BabyGiraffes · 29/11/2009 21:48

I'm grateful for any hand me downs I can get (friends and I all had babies at the same time, so little going round) and would never pick through it in front of them. It's usually given on the understanding that I take what I like and the rest goes to charity. Kids grow out of things so quickly, some of it is almost new, so it's not as if it's rubbish being passed on.
I think you are not being unreasonable to think she was rude and I would certainly not offer her any more.

flockwallpaper · 30/11/2009 00:48

I think you just have to be straight with people. If you want them to take the lot and you don't really care if they ebay some / take some to the charity shop, just say so then there is no ill feeling.

For the posters that have said that receiving a big bag of stuff is a pain - Why not just tell the giver that you appreciate the thought but you don't need the stuff right now? And perhaps someone else could make better use of it?

Arcadie · 30/11/2009 09:10

Actually having pondered on this for 24 hours solid I think that I would be a mite peeved if my friends went through the bag in front of me, making a show of how many of my clothes they didn't want. Is that partly the issue? If she'd taken it home, triaged and given the rest back with a "thanks SO much for the clothes, can I give back the ones that wouldn't fit, are out of season, or that we already have a couple of from when DD was born?" would that have been ok?

But however hard it is to have clothes rejected I still wouldn't have a problem with them sorting at home and bringing back what they didn't want. We're expecting an "unknown sex" DC3 with a DS and a DD already so I certainly wouldn't want all my kids' clothes taken to a charity shop on my behalf, and nor would I expect my friends to store my clothes on my behalf until a "safe" amount of time has elapsed for them to give them back to me.

I guess it depends partly on if you're expecting your things back. Certainly I and all my circle of mates, who are midway through breeding, give with the expectation of getting back.

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