Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if you offer someone a bag of hand-me-downs they should accept it without rummaging through the contents and taking the best bits?

96 replies

plantwoman · 29/11/2009 12:57

I have just offered a friend of mine a bag of my daughters clothes that she has grown out of. She is only 1 so most of it is like new.
My friend, whose daughter is 6 months, has said that she would like to have a look and take what is suitable.
Maybe I am being oversensitive, but when I have been offered bags of clothes, I have been really grateful even if some of it isn't to my taste and I end up sending bits to the charity shop once I've sorted through it.
I would have felt like I was being really rude if i'd rummaged through a bag of clothes in front of the person that had given them to me!
Or is that just me being far too polite??

OP posts:
Prunerz · 29/11/2009 14:20

OOh earlybird, I have to disagree with your naff-freecyclers comment.

I think you are all pretending to yourselves that you are sooper dooper kind and lovely people, when really having someone take something off your hands is mutually beneficial, isn't it? Be honest!

Personally I wouldn't dream of forcing something onto someone, who didn't want it.........it's really bad manners.

pofacedandproud · 29/11/2009 14:29

My friend gives me gorgeous hand me downs from her daughter. She only gives me lovely stuff though and dd generally wears all of it. But generally isn't it just an unspoken agreement that the stuff you don't wear you'll pass onto a charity shop? I have had bags of gorgeous clothes and bags of tat [from other people] so it kind of depends on the person and the stuff they are offering.

Bonsoir · 29/11/2009 14:29

I completely agree, Prunerz. I am very happy to pass clothes on (DD's are often in very good condition and are always lovely in the first place) but I expect people to take a look and choose. They are doing me a favour by taking the stuff off my hands!

Earthstar · 29/11/2009 14:29

"She is doing you a favour by taking them...as much as you are doing her a favour by giving them. You don't have the moral high ground here."

Actually, I think you absolutely do have the moral highground as it would be far easier for you to put this stuff directly into your bin.

I think so long as you have asked someone if they would like some clothes in advance, and so long as you are happy for them to dispose of anything they don't want as they like, then this is a gift and should be appreciated as such.

I regularly gift my dd's items - always in great condition and mainly expensive brands eg Boden items worn once or twice (less good stuff is binned) and all ironed and folded nicely. The stuff I pass on could be ebayed for a couple of hundred quid or more a time if I had the inclination. The recipients are always thrilled so warm glows all round - but in no way are they doing me a favour, what a shockingly ungrateful attitude.

pofacedandproud · 29/11/2009 14:30

and the friend I offer ds's stuff to just takes the stuff she thinks he'll wear, no skin off my nose.

pofacedandproud · 29/11/2009 14:31

But earthstar if they are giving those clothes they don't want back to you then you can sell it for as much as you please, don't see what is ungrateful about that.

Prunerz · 29/11/2009 14:35

It's not shockingly ungrateful - personally I have been very grateful for hand-me-downs and have accepted both boxes of unsorted clothes, and been invited to take what I would use - and for a few years there we really needed them! And I've never thought 'blimey I did X a real favour there' even when I have been told that I have done precisely that! I have honest friends.

I feel that people are doing me a favour by taking them off my hands, and saving me a job - and I cannot believe that all of you high-horsers don't, at least in part, get a warm glow not only from an act of kindness but also from having effectively crossed a job of the list.

So I'd never be upset about someone sorting through things I'd like to get rid of....everyone has enough to do without also feeling they have to do my charity shop run for me.

Ivykaty44 · 29/11/2009 14:38

So she takes all of the clothes and bins half of them - that would be rude. I would rather someone took only what they actually wanted and the rest I can either give to someone that does want it or charity shop - my clothes so my choice.

StrictlyKatty · 29/11/2009 15:12

I thinks it's rude. I would accept everything then sort myself. I mean if you're getting a lot of free clothes it's the least you can do!

Prunerz · 29/11/2009 15:35

One thing that strikes me is how different this thread would have been even 20 years ago - we have SO MUCH of everything, don't we? So many clothes we can afford to give bagfuls away. We were given loads at a time when we didn't have much money but the answer then could have been to have fewer clothes, and wash them more often...rather than boxes and boxes of hand me downs.

Not making a point, just musing that we are perhaps rather spoilt at this point in history. In general.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 29/11/2009 15:41

I would be extremely grateful to receive any baby girls clothes tbh, I am expecting a girl and have 3 boys.

Ripeberry · 29/11/2009 15:42

A mum from our school has a soft spot for my youngest and gives me a bag of grown out clothes from her daughter who is 1yr older.
Most of the stuff is OK, but I always end up chucking the rest in the recycling as it's too small, has holes or is just gross!
So YABU if you think she has to take it all, when she may not have space to store it or have the time to sort it and take it to charity shops and recycling for you.

Ripeberry · 29/11/2009 15:44

By the way, I get a bag every 4-5 months, she spends a fortune on clothes!

Heated · 29/11/2009 15:58

YANBU. It really depends on the nature of the friendship but generally I would find this rude. Have to say dcs don't get any handmedowns, since dc1 is the eldest boy in family/circle of friends and in dd's case their is always a younger sister - so if anyone did pass clothes on, certainly wouldn't think I was doing them a favour!

Original poster
plantwoman · 29/11/2009 16:07

I thought i would just point out that it would actually be far easier for me to send the lot to charity.
Our charity bins are 5 minutes away, i pass them every day on the way to school.
My friend lives the other side of town and I only see her once every couple of months.
I would rather stick the lot in the charity bin, than have it hanging around in DD's room for weeks.

OP posts:
zazizoma · 29/11/2009 16:13

I'm not sure what your objection is, plantwoman.

Would it have been fine for you if she'd taken the entire bag, expressed appreciation, and then taken the lot to the nearest charity shop? Did you expect that she'd dress her dc in all the items you offered? Is the problem that she did it in front of you, and you were offended by her refusal of some of what you were offering?

If you were genuinely offering her clothes that she'd like to see her dc wear, then why are you annoyed that she made a selection and left you with the rest?

Did you feel your offering was unappreciated?

Or were you simply wanting them of the house and someone else to make the trip to the charity shop for you?

Original poster
plantwoman · 29/11/2009 16:21

zazizoma - i think I've already answered all of the above in this thread already.

OP posts:
zazizoma · 29/11/2009 16:36

apologies plantwoman! But I still don't understand why you are bothered by this.

I do think YABU, and I don't understand why you think it bad manners for your friend to only take the hand-me-downs that she thinks she would wear.

If you give someone a gift, then yes, it would be horribly uncouth for them to open the gift, say "I don't like this," and not take it with them. But you weren't offering a gift . . . so it's a completely different case in my mind.

HeiligFeierabend · 29/11/2009 16:39

OP I am with you, I have been there and have felt really offended. I gave away a bag of clothes on Freecycle, only to find the girl who had picked it up had taken what she wanted and was offering the rest again to another Freecycler. I would have rather had it all back at that point, thought she was an ungrateful cow. But then those clothes that were worn by your own baby have a sentimental value to you that they just don't have to other people.

HeiligFeierabend · 29/11/2009 16:40

But zazizoma it IS a gift.

zazizoma · 29/11/2009 16:44

Ah, I suppose that is where we disagree then.

For me, the hand-me-downs are simply a matter of "I don't need this anymore and would like to pass it on to someone who does, are you interested?" They either are or not . . .

A gift is something that you pick out specifically with the other person in mind because you believe they will like it.

MrsSantos · 29/11/2009 16:45

YANBU - it is rude to pick thru. My kids would have been a lot worse off without hand-me-downs which I am grateful for. Yes, there have been a few "horrors" (stained, misshapen) but some lovely stuff. Tis one of the nice things about parenting. I rarely hand things on because they are trashed by the time my kids are finished with them. I see nothing wrong with quietly taking a bag and recycling the stuff you don't want - but then I am grateful for clean and warm clothes and having nice (richer) nice friends. Whenever I have passed things on I have explicitly said that if they don't want it either return or recycle it (charity shops don't usually want baby clothes because some people are snobby selective about them so they don't sell too well.

Original poster
plantwoman · 29/11/2009 16:47

I don't think of it as a gift as such, but if someone thinks of me when they are passing on clothes I think it is really kind and am grateful for whatever, even if DD doesn't end up wearing it.
Maybe that's just me

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 29/11/2009 16:48

DP keeps coming home from a friend's with bags of stuff for my youngest to "grow into". I appreciate the gesture, but I simply don't have the room to store it all, and if I'm honest, my taste in children's clothes is very different. I know I should be grateful, but in reality I feel a bit irritated because I have to lug it to a charity shop with no car.

Earlybird · 29/11/2009 16:55

I must be extremely lucky with the friend who gets dd's hand-me-downs. They are gently used and in good condition. She recognises that she doesn't have to spend time shopping, or pay for (quite nice) clothes for her dd. She always insists on giving me a bit of money for them. I repeatedly refuse, so instead she will give me a necklace from time to time (she makes/sells beautiful jewelry).

The person is doing you a favour by taking stuff off your hands if it is worn out/stained/etc, but nice clothes in good condition are a favour/gift to the recipient.