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Original poster

Large age gap relationships are all doomed?

90 replies

Doesitmatter · 28/11/2009 18:41

Firstly, I am a MN regular, but have name changed for this one for privacy reasons, as family are on here too.

I am 27, I have a 6 yr old son. I have met a wonderful man who is 48. We have known each other for a year or so, used to see each other through friends, went out for drinks a few times and have now told each other that we both feel more than friendship.

I have told a few friends and they have all (bar one) been happy for me but very negative about the large age gap. I know there is a big difference in our ages, but it really doesn't bother me (yet, it's early days still of course) and he has said it doesn't bother him.

I think people have this idea that only desperate, ugly women go for older men because they can't get someone younger. I am neither desperate or ugly, I have no "issues", don't seek a "father figure" or anything else out of the ordinary. I'm not after a passport and he doesn't have lots of money.. He's young looking, hilariously funny, very handsome and has a great social life. We have lots of common interests and feel really open and relaxed with each other.

Friends have said things like "ooo he'll be 88 in 40 years time, you'll only be 67" It just doesn't make sense. IF we do make this work and stay together we have mnay years (hopefully) to enjoy our lives. Any of us could get knocked down and killed tomorrow, regardless of our age.

I'm not usually one to take notice of what other people say, and do just get on with what I want, but it just seems almost everyone is thinking I'm making a huge mistake.

So.. what I'm asking is - do you lot think it's all doomed from the start? Anyone in a realtionship with a large age gap or been in one and found it could never work?

Thanks!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 28/11/2009 18:44

you are an adult,if you like this man and you both connect mentally,socially why not

yes all nay sayers will chip in

ignore them

seventypercentcocoa · 28/11/2009 18:45

13 years between me and DH, we are well suited, and any problems we do have are nothing to do with age

Have had a relationship with someone 17/18 yrs older in the past, we split up because he was a knob, not because he was older.

Sounds like you are having fun and 'dating', seeing how it goes sounds like a good plan.

LaTrucha · 28/11/2009 18:48

My stepmother is 25 years junior to my father. They're a true match and have had a very happy marriage for the last over 15 years (and living together relationship before that).

My mother and father, a far more conventional match, wer far, far, unhappier.

It can work very, very well.

Marne · 28/11/2009 18:50

I am 27 and Dh is 40, we have been together for 7 years.

It can work.

CleverCircusFlea · 28/11/2009 18:51

Yeah, i've heard all that too... Don't listen to them .
I'm 26, DP is 45, we've been together for three years, age gap never bothered us My family did have a slight problem with accepting it, my brother was very suspicious at first, i think he thought that my DP is leading a double life or something, with wife and kids somewhere and me on the side . But he was wrong and i was right

FabIsVeryLucky · 28/11/2009 18:52

I was with someone at 19 and he was 34 and it didn't end because of the age gap, the same with a friend of mine who had 22 years with someone 6 years older than her.

My friend in her 30's is with someone 15 years older and they seem very happy.

Go for it!

MayorNaze · 28/11/2009 18:53

11 years bewteen me and dh. if i say so myself, we are excellent together

Original poster
Doesitmatter · 28/11/2009 18:54

Thanks all..

clever circus - so about the same age gap as us. I think my mum will have a hard time accepting it - which is difficult as she looks after ds lots for me. But she'll get over it. The fact that he was born the same year as her will definitely be mentioned by her though, she won't be able to resist it

OP posts:
ineedalifelaundry · 28/11/2009 18:56

My step mum was married to her first husband for over 35 years. He was over 30 years older than her. When he died, she was in her late 50's and he was 90. They were extremely happy.

Take. No. Notice.

Go forth and be happy.

somethinganything · 28/11/2009 18:57

My parents had a v large age gap - larger than the gap between you and the man you get on so well with. They were happily married for more than 30 years when my father died, in his mid-80s. True, my mother was became a widow in her early 60s (and I lost my father at a relatively young age) but she had a much happier marriage than most of my friend's parents who were generally of a similar age.

Just anecdotal of course but I really don't see any reason why your relationship shouldn't work just as well if not better than any of your friends'. There are so many other factors than age that come into play

sweetnitanitro · 28/11/2009 19:00

DH is 12 years older than me, we've been together 7 years. We don't really notice the age gap. Wanting the same things in life is more important than being the same age.

BrokenBananaTantrum · 28/11/2009 19:02

My husband is 12 years older than me and we have been happily married for 10 years.

My dad was 26 years older than my mum and they were together for 40 years and married for 35. They were so happy together.

Go for it. Sod the age gap. Be happy

CleverCircusFlea · 28/11/2009 19:05

Well, we all seem to agree
I did worry a little bit about telling mum, but i decided not to mention the age as if that was the most important thing about my then new boyfriend, cause there were more important things, like the fact that he's clever and funny, and impossibly handsome . She did ask eventually, and when i said how old he was, she said "....that's... quite a lot, isn't it" .
(That was a phone conversation, we live in different countries).
I then sent her some photos and she did agree that he's much more handsome than my cousin's boyfriend (large age gap there too).

RustyBear · 28/11/2009 19:07

My dad was 38 and my mum 22 when they married. Like you, my mum had a lot of negativity, with people telling her she'd be a young widow.
They were happily married for 51 years and in fact it was my mum who died first, ten years ago, at only 73 - my Dad misses her terribly, but we are looking forward to his 100th birthday in April.

Hullygully · 28/11/2009 19:07

I must dissent, sometimes it doesn't matter. But often it does.

Ewe · 28/11/2009 19:11

One of my very good friends is 28 and her husband is in his mid 40s, they are, without question, the happiest couple I know.

He is gorgeous too! I would never guess he is the age he is (which I can't even remember off top of my head). At first we were all a bit as we only heard about him over the phone as they met whilst she was living abroad. Six months after they met they moved back and about a year after that they got married.

Everyone absolutely adores him and he has merged in to our friendship group effortlessly. Love is all that matters

BrokenBananaTantrum · 28/11/2009 19:14

I think what is important is that you have want the same things in life and that you enjoy doing the same things. Lots of relationships unfortunatly fall apart for lots of reasons and age might be a facvtor in some of those but to be honestit is usually more to do with incompatability(sp) than just about age. The important hting is that you are happy.

My mum encountered a lot of negativity from her mum about the realtionship and she had to wait until she was 21 to marry dad because her mum would not give her consent. Eventually she accepted that they were in love and came to love my dad too.

My mum was devastated when dad died at the age of 82 but you have to live for NOW not worry about what might be happening in 10 years.

MsHighwater · 28/11/2009 19:17

My dh is 19 yrs older. We have been happy together for 8 yrs (married for 7). Of course I don't relish the thought of losing him while I'm still relatively young but the only difference between us & other couples is that the odds are greater that it'll happen. Nothing is guaranteed. If he's the right one for you, he age gap means next to nothing.

danabu · 28/11/2009 19:18

My DH is 12 years older than me. The only thing to consider is whether you want more children and how he would feel about being an older dad, otherwise I wish you all the best - older men (and dads!) have a lot going for them!

SpringBlossom · 28/11/2009 19:20

I'm 40, my DH is 55 - I LOVE the age gap. He is funny, caring, sensible, kind - and a million times nicer than any of the blokes of my own age I dated. I DO put it down to the age gap! On the down side I do get worried that he will die ages before me and I'll be left on my own but who can predict what will happen - it could easily be the other way round. His dad is 92 so long lived men must run in the family...

I have several friends who are with older blokes - there's 10 years between my BF and her husband and 21 years between another one and her fella. The only common denominator between us is that we were in our mid - late thirties when we met them, so a bit older than you.

Oh, and finally there's been loads in the press recently about the happiest relatinships being between older blokes and younger women (10 - 15 years difference is ideal I believe!) so between the science and the anecdotal experience I would say all the signs are good!

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 28/11/2009 19:22

There is 14 years between DH and I, he's older and we've been together 15 years nearly. We have never had any negative comments to our face, our families have always been really supportive. TBH I forget about the age gap myself, I think DH feels the same.

I wouldn't take any notice of what others say. You know what is right for you, no-one else.

Morloth · 28/11/2009 19:35

There are no guarantees in life/relationships regardless of ages. If you are happy with each other then grab this with both hands and tell everyone else to get lost.

Original poster
Doesitmatter · 28/11/2009 19:35

Awww... it's so nice to hear all your nice stories!

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 28/11/2009 19:41

There is twenty years between my parents, and they've been married for forty years.

mummygirl · 28/11/2009 19:44

Dude, just date the man, will you? You might fall madly in love, in which case you will not care at all what other people say. Or you might decide he's a total ar***e and then this age gap worry will be pointless.

Go for it, life is as short at 27 as it is at 48.