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Original poster

Large age gap relationships are all doomed?

90 replies

Doesitmatter · 28/11/2009 18:41

Firstly, I am a MN regular, but have name changed for this one for privacy reasons, as family are on here too.

I am 27, I have a 6 yr old son. I have met a wonderful man who is 48. We have known each other for a year or so, used to see each other through friends, went out for drinks a few times and have now told each other that we both feel more than friendship.

I have told a few friends and they have all (bar one) been happy for me but very negative about the large age gap. I know there is a big difference in our ages, but it really doesn't bother me (yet, it's early days still of course) and he has said it doesn't bother him.

I think people have this idea that only desperate, ugly women go for older men because they can't get someone younger. I am neither desperate or ugly, I have no "issues", don't seek a "father figure" or anything else out of the ordinary. I'm not after a passport and he doesn't have lots of money.. He's young looking, hilariously funny, very handsome and has a great social life. We have lots of common interests and feel really open and relaxed with each other.

Friends have said things like "ooo he'll be 88 in 40 years time, you'll only be 67" It just doesn't make sense. IF we do make this work and stay together we have mnay years (hopefully) to enjoy our lives. Any of us could get knocked down and killed tomorrow, regardless of our age.

I'm not usually one to take notice of what other people say, and do just get on with what I want, but it just seems almost everyone is thinking I'm making a huge mistake.

So.. what I'm asking is - do you lot think it's all doomed from the start? Anyone in a realtionship with a large age gap or been in one and found it could never work?

Thanks!

OP posts:
fernie3 · 28/11/2009 19:44

My husbands parents had a very large age gap. My MIL is in her 60s now but if my FIL was alive he would be in his late 90s.
They had a very succesful relationship and 5 children. The only problem was he died when my husband was only 1 leaving my MIL with 5 children.

Obviously people can die at any age BUT personally I think that if you plan a long term relationship with someone you need to consider this because it IS more likely you will lose your partner young and this is even more important when there are children involved.

It ISNT a reason not to have a relationship BUT it should be taken into account.

citybranch · 28/11/2009 19:46

I'm 26 and DH is 43 and we have a great relationship. (Together 5 yrs and married for 2). No one has ever really been negative about it.. we rarely think about it.

TheButterflyEffect · 28/11/2009 19:47

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ilovetochat · 28/11/2009 19:57

dp is 18 years older than me, we got together when i was 24 and he was 42, been together 8 years and have a 2 year old dd and are very happy!
when i told my mom she was worried for me, saying what if he died at 70 and left me alone at 52, i said i would have been very lucky to have 28 happy years which is more than most people, infact more happy years than anyone i know.
its important you both agree on major things though like whether you want children.

Original poster
Doesitmatter · 28/11/2009 19:57

I am not having any more kids, he isn't able to anyway, so that's not even a factor.

mummygirl - I am going for it... just spoken to him actually (not about talking on MN about him of course). i realsie why I'm so nuts about him everytime I see or talk to him.

Thebutterfly effect - Yes, he has loads of amazing stories about the "good olde days"

OP posts:
lottieC · 28/11/2009 20:01

no i dont.....and do you really love this person to be asking this question? ermmmm......

hackneyzoo · 28/11/2009 20:02

DH is 15 years older than me and all is good. I worry sometimes about being left alone when I am older, but nothing in life is guarenteed. My Dad is 22 year solder than my mum, he is in his mid 80s and sadly my mum died a few years ago, so I guess there is no telling how things will work out. If you love someone and are happy, go for it, bollocks to age!

TheButterflyEffect · 28/11/2009 20:04

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Original poster
Doesitmatter · 28/11/2009 20:09

what do you mean lottie? No, I don't think I love him yet, but I do love his company and care for him very much.. I can see me falling in love with him.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 28/11/2009 20:16

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borderslass · 28/11/2009 20:17

I'm 39 and hubby is 52 we've been together for nearly 21 years with no real problems its not the age gap that can be a problem but clash of personalities.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 28/11/2009 20:53

I don't believe it is doomed from the start but anyone old enough to be your parent is off limits in my book. If you are not worried about it then go for it but i'd wonder why you started this thread if you have no misgivings?

juicychops · 28/11/2009 20:58

my dp is 10 years older than me (im 25 he's 35) and it doesn't bother me at all. if he was older than that it still wouldn't bother me

juicychops · 28/11/2009 21:00

although do have to agree with ckhkittens, dont think i could date someone my dad's age+ (my dad is 50)

im not saying it wont work for you though

choosyfloosy · 28/11/2009 21:09

I was at a wedding this year where the age gap was 16 years (other way round, older female). Lovely wedding, they are so happy. If you do get together, this will become old news unbelievably quickly and people will stop thinking about it. Let them have their say and then change the subject?

SlackSally · 28/11/2009 21:45

My partner is 15 years older than me and we're generally very happy. I was only 18 when we got together, and there was quite a lot of murmuring when we got together, not least from my parents.

But we're still together quite a few years later and happier than ever. We're great together, and, if anything, I think the age gap is an advantage. He's seen so much, has so many great experiences he can tell me about. I can't think of a time when the age gap has been a problem. Or any row we've had that has had anything to do with it.

Stigaloid · 28/11/2009 21:54

My parents were married fo 34 years until my father passed away and there were 12 years between them. My mum was 18 and dad was 30 when they met. Very happily married until the end.

Thecatwhowalksbyherself · 28/11/2009 21:56

There are 14 years between DP and I. We've been together (happily) for more than 10 years. When I was in my early 20s and we'd only been dating a few months, I too had people (mostly pissed people that I didn?t even really know !) tell me I was going to be old and lonely as he might die 20 years before me. No one seems to say it anymore, and I can?t say it is something I particularly worry about.

cakeforbrains · 28/11/2009 21:58

DH is 25 yrs older than me - I'm 28, he's 53. We've been together 10yrs and have two DSs. 99% of the time the age gap is not an issue. There are odd moments when we disagree about something and I wonder if the age gap is to blame, and friends and family were initially cautious, but I wouldn't change a thing.

carrielou2007 · 28/11/2009 22:02

When I met my ex DP he did lie about his age and I had no reason not to believe him, he's very young at heart and very active. 7 years later (we are no longer together but still spend a lot of time together) I have a gorgous almost 3 year old dd and baby due in 5 weeks (don't ask, I think he just passed me on the stairs)

We are no longer together because of how he behaved when I had dd so I kicked him out (my house).

When I think of his age it does freak me out a bit but as my dad was 40 when I was born, his age is nothing like my dad's so that has never been the issue. I am 36 and he is (whispers) 61, I was 29 when we met.

The age gap has never ever bothered me, part of the reason we are no longer together is that it has always bothered him, why would I want to be with him, surely I would go off with someone younger (like his ex-wife did)I must just be being kind etc etc - no I really did think he was the love of my life, his age was not something that bothered me.

Give it a go, if it doesn't suit you both then you just both stop it

scottishmummy · 28/11/2009 22:04

i have friends she lied down,he lied up.until ages later both found out truth.still together had a baby.wonderful couple

blueshoes · 28/11/2009 23:03

Just noting that, save for choosyfloosy's example, the man is the older party ...

willowstar · 28/11/2009 23:15

13 years between me and my husband. it was an issue for my family at first before they met him, so i just introduced him to them as soon as I could and let them get to know him rather than just focus on his age. Now I think they like him more than me!

I never think about our ages except when it comes to children. I feel sad that I just had our first baby when he is 48 and that he won't be around as long...so I force feed him vegetables in the hope that it keeps him with my forever :-)

just get on with it if it feels right, life is too short. have fun :-)

paranoidmother · 28/11/2009 23:30

I know of someone who is 38 and her husband is 71 on New Years day. They have a 4 year old son.

His first family are in their mid 40's and he has grandchildren older than his latest son. He has also had to go back to work.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 28/11/2009 23:42

MyDH is 14 years older than me. We've been togetehr 10 years. I've noticed the age difference a lot more as he's turned into a grumpy old man got older.