Large age gap relationships are all doomed?

[Doesitmatter]

Firstly, I am a MN regular, but have name changed for this one for privacy reasons, as family are on here too.

I am 27, I have a 6 yr old son. I have met a wonderful man who is 48. We have known each other for a year or so, used to see each other through friends, went out for drinks a few times and have now told each other that we both feel more than friendship.

I have told a few friends and they have all (bar one) been happy for me but very negative about the large age gap. I know there is a big difference in our ages, but it really doesn't bother me (yet, it's early days still of course) and he has said it doesn't bother him.

I think people have this idea that only desperate, ugly women go for older men because they can't get someone younger. I am neither desperate or ugly, I have no "issues", don't seek a "father figure" or anything else out of the ordinary. I'm not after a passport and he doesn't have lots of money.. He's young looking, hilariously funny, very handsome and has a great social life. We have lots of common interests and feel really open and relaxed with each other.

Friends have said things like "ooo he'll be 88 in 40 years time, you'll only be 67" It just doesn't make sense. IF we do make this work and stay together we have mnay years (hopefully) to enjoy our lives. Any of us could get knocked down and killed tomorrow, regardless of our age.

I'm not usually one to take notice of what other people say, and do just get on with what I want, but it just seems almost everyone is thinking I'm making a huge mistake.

So.. what I'm asking is - do you lot think it's all doomed from the start? Anyone in a realtionship with a large age gap or been in one and found it could never work?

Thanks!

For what it is worth - my mother was 35 and divorced with me and my brother then aged 14 and 13 when she met her new partner who was 25 years older, he did not have children of his own, which i think made it easier and was a widower, so no ex wife in the background, they had 24 good years - the usual ups and down etc, whe nshe died very unexceptedly at 59, he on the other hand, 5 years later is still going strong, so to all of those who say he will die first or will be looking to yuo to look after him, who knows what fate has in store - one caveat, he did make her "old before her time", in that at 55 she was living the life of an 80 year old, as he had slowed down quite a bit by then,

If you like him and it is reciprocated, why not? What about more kisd though? how would his age fit into that?

There is a 15 year gap between DH and I. We met when I was 20 and he was 35. It has never been a problem, but then some might say I was born with middle aged tendancies

The age difference has never been an issue - he is just the man I love. I do worry about him dying beofre me. Actually, I'm the kind of person who would worry about that even if we were the same age!

My DP is 10 years older than me - no problems here. We got together when I was 16, he was 26 (), had a bit of a rough time while I was at university and abroad because we both decided I should have the freedom to figure out life without him (we remained in love but stubborn the whole time). 17 years later - very happy

My mum and dad were the same age, mum was completely happy, dad wasn't and played around for far more years than my mum should have put up with. Dad is now with someone 18 years his junior, has been for 20 years or so and it was only recently when stepmum came to stay and help out with my DC when I'd had an op that it dawned on me just how happy dad and her are now. My lovely mum still hasn't found anybody which makes me v but is an aside.

A good friend my age (32) is currently in a relationship with a 60 year old. They had a torrid time last year but that was mainly down to him being an arse rather than a 60 year old. They are back on track and seem happy. I do have reservations though just because they are at very different stages in life. He's considering retiring next year, she is very career minded. He never wants more kids (has 2 who are similar age to my friend), she doesn't think she does but was considering having eggs frozen just in case and has talked about adopting. She is also having to consider the fact that she may end up looking after her mum, dad and him at similar times...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you give it a go and you both seem to want the same things out of life then age won't make a difference. It's when you have different outlooks that the problems start

My ex is 19 years older than me, and I do think that such an age gap can be a symptom of a problem, or cause one.
Ex h frequently pulled rank based on his greater life experience. Later, I realised that he was after a younger woman on purpose, partly so that he could be the dominant partner. Also, partly an old-gitish tendency to chase ever younger women.

It is a huge ego boost to a man approaching 50, than he can still pull a younger woman. dont underestimate this.
Another negative factor was that we had very few shared childhood experiences.

You may be the lucky ones, and have a great marriage, but I would look carefully for signs of the above.

there's a good 18 years between dh and I. We've been married 12 and together 15. I never, ever, ever think about the age difference. It just never crosses my mind. Why would it, we're happy, we get on well, we are very similar with similar interests.
So, no, it's not doomed imo
you see some people who happily settle into middle/ old age really early, if your dp has a young outlook there is a good chance it will work.

nighbynight, I would say that your story proves only that some men can be gits. I suspect your ex would have been a git in different ways if you and he had been a similar age. Certainly, having an age gap can be a source of problems and I still don't think that a big age gap represents an ideal relationship but a relationship fails because the relationhips wasn't right, not because there was an age gap between the partners.

OP, you have to evaluate the relationship just as you would any other. The age gap is a factor but it doesn't mean the relationship is bound to fail. This thread has given you plenty of examples of successful age gap couples.

I don't think it's a problem in itself. I was with someone twenty years (and a month!) older than me for some time; obviously there were problems or we would still be together but the age-gap wasn't one of them (except indirectly, in terms of his baggage from a failed marriage and so on). Oddly, though, all my friends and family thought an older man would "suit me" and weren't bothered at all, so it might be worth finding out what is worrying the people you know - whether it's just automatic or whether they have actual reasons for thinking it would be bad for you.

I'd go out with a much older man again. I am quite successful and career-focused and I enjoyed being with someone who wasn't at all intimidated by that. For various reasons I almost always felt 'older than my years' as a child and when I was younger, and I think it was also very refreshing and relaxing for me to be able to be the younger, less experienced person. So I'm sure it depends a lot on your character and on what you're looking for in a relationship.

MsHigh, I did not say that the age gap makes a relationship fail. I said that it might be a SYMPTOM of problems, and in some ways it can also cause problems. My ex IS a git, and that's why he chases younger women.

Most of the people who have posted have a significantly smaller age gap than 19 years, btw.

The kind of indirect problem that arionater refers to, like one partner having baggage from previous relationships, really shouldnt be underestimated either. They are age-related, too.

Of course, many couples will be successful - I just think that one should look out for these possible age-related issues when there is a big age gap.

My DD1 will, if prophesy is true, marry a man 18 years her senior, and if and when she does, well, it will be a relief to me, tbh.

She's already a one who needs it and he'll live a long life and they'll have the many children forcast of one such as she.

I'd be of a different feeling if he were one who had other children or ex wives of the like, but IMO if such isn't an issue then to hell with it. He will live a long life and die in his bed and the Lowland ben-shee will be at his side so I'd have done my part and will likely be long dead by then.

I see your point, M-whatever, if the bloke had such baggage.

But if he has not and is just an old bachelor well then all the better especially if he is rich and ugly and your daughter is fair and young and beautiful inside and out and has skin like a waxy magnolia and is tall and thin and has green eyes and hair that streaks gold and when she opens her mouth she is the last vestige of a true Highland woman that he would ever get and that to him is worth more than what monies he could get from any other.

I would worry not about any other woman because she is the only true lady.

My DH is 10 years younger than me. I'm 38 and he's 28. We have 3 children 5 and under and are happily married ( when we can get time out from the kids!) Been together 8 years now.

the age doesn't bother us- we just laugh about it now and then!

Take no notice of others- do what feels right for you and your son. If you are happy,stay with it.

There is 13 years difference between my grandparents and they are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary in April next year.

Oh and FIL and his partner met 15 years ago, when she was 28 and he had two ex-wives and four kids. They are very happy - even with all the baggage he brought along (included in that baggage was my DH - a surly 15 year old teenager!)

i haven't read the entire thread, but i agree with most of the ones i have read: my sister has a 14 year age gap with her husband and they got together when she was 18. they've now been married 10 years and have 3 sons.

My OH is 48 (i'm 33) and he's also young-looking for his age.
he has the advantage that his family has a history of long lives, so it doesn't matter that in 40 years he'll be 88; at least I know he'll get that old!

if you love each other there is no problem.

My Dad was 21 years older than my mum and they were happily married for 25 years (unfortunately Dad passed away a few years ago) but they were always so happy together.
If he makes you happy then enjoy it and tell anyone who thinks otherwise to get stuffed, its your life do what makes you happy with it.