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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Large age gap relationships are all doomed?

90 replies

Doesitmatter · 28/11/2009 18:41

Firstly, I am a MN regular, but have name changed for this one for privacy reasons, as family are on here too.

I am 27, I have a 6 yr old son. I have met a wonderful man who is 48. We have known each other for a year or so, used to see each other through friends, went out for drinks a few times and have now told each other that we both feel more than friendship.

I have told a few friends and they have all (bar one) been happy for me but very negative about the large age gap. I know there is a big difference in our ages, but it really doesn't bother me (yet, it's early days still of course) and he has said it doesn't bother him.

I think people have this idea that only desperate, ugly women go for older men because they can't get someone younger. I am neither desperate or ugly, I have no "issues", don't seek a "father figure" or anything else out of the ordinary. I'm not after a passport and he doesn't have lots of money.. He's young looking, hilariously funny, very handsome and has a great social life. We have lots of common interests and feel really open and relaxed with each other.

Friends have said things like "ooo he'll be 88 in 40 years time, you'll only be 67" It just doesn't make sense. IF we do make this work and stay together we have mnay years (hopefully) to enjoy our lives. Any of us could get knocked down and killed tomorrow, regardless of our age.

I'm not usually one to take notice of what other people say, and do just get on with what I want, but it just seems almost everyone is thinking I'm making a huge mistake.

So.. what I'm asking is - do you lot think it's all doomed from the start? Anyone in a realtionship with a large age gap or been in one and found it could never work?

Thanks!

OP posts:

neverjamtoday · 28/11/2009 23:47

Echo blueshoes - all these examples are about the man being older than the woman (and I've got a good example of this too - brilliant relationship between a friend of mine and her DH who is 25 years older than her so go for it!)

But - just wondering - how would it be if the woman was 10, 15, 20 years older than the man?

RustyBear · 29/11/2009 09:43

DH's friend from school married a woman on her 40's when he was about 22. DH & his friend don't keep in touch much but last I heard they are still together over 30 years later.

BrokenBananaTantrum · 29/11/2009 09:46

I know a couple where wife is 10 years older than her husband. They have been happily married for 10 years so it can work.

thumbwitch · 29/11/2009 09:52

load of cod that large age gaps cause doomed relationships - people not getting on cause doomed relationships.

My parents had a 10 year age gap, and they were married 42y until Mum died. OK, they weren't the happiest of people together but they would never have split up and it was NOTHING to do with their age gap, far more to do with other things.

I have a 9y age gap with DH - no prob for either of us.

Ignore doom-mongers - they're mostly either very ignorant or jealous; or those sad people who think that if they couldn't do it, no one else could either.

thumbwitch · 29/11/2009 09:53

Sorry - since it was asked a few posts prev - Dad was 10y older than mum, I am 9y older than DH.

Hullygully · 29/11/2009 09:55

when my mum was younger she went out with a oap it never affected her but it only lasted 4 weeks.......

ApplesinmyPocket · 29/11/2009 09:57

Married DH when I was 18 and he was 35. Still married 30 years later - happy and content.

Sometimes the person is just right for you and the age-gap really doesn't matter. I've never really been aware of it and it shrinks as you get older (i.e we both have grey hairs now, alas.)

Good luck. I hope you find happiness.

Hullygully · 29/11/2009 09:59

i think that people are being very silly
unreasonoble

MrsMorgan · 29/11/2009 10:11

I met xp when I was 18 and he was 38. It caused alot of problems between myself and my dad (i'd only known him 2 weeks when i moved in with him).

We had 3 children together and I ended the relationship after 10 years. Do I think it was because of the age gap ? Who knows.

Xp turned into the most grumpy, self centred man who gave no one elses feelings any consideration. This may have been because of his age, who knows.

Personally, my own rule is now never to get involved with anyone more than 10 years older than me.

I think as someone else said, you should date this bloke and then see what happens.

Malificence · 29/11/2009 11:44

I have to say if my almost 20 year old met a 30 - 40 year old I would be totally horrified, most men of that age have got ex-families and tons of "baggage" and if they are decent men their children will naturally come first meaning that the new partner will always play second fiddle.
I think that a young woman who wants a family shouldn't even entertain getting together with a much older man who would either be an old father or more probably wont want any more kids.
My own experience of step families (growing up) was horrendous and I would hate my daughter to be involved with a man with kids and an ex-wife or two.

thumbwitch · 29/11/2009 16:46

just to add, a friend of mine was married to a man of similar age to herself who was the most self-centred git - so she divorced him and a couple of years later met a fabulous man who was nearly 30y older than her, and who had grown up DC already. He said he didn't really want more DC, she said she did want DC - they now have 3 together and are really happy! Of course it will be a bit rough on the DC because Daddy is pretty old and they are likely to be pretty young when he pops off, but in the meantime they are having a lovely life with parents who adore each other and them.

Age is all in the mind anyway once you get past 25.

HerBeatitude · 29/11/2009 17:15

I think the problem with age gaps is that in general they imply an inequality of experience, money, knowledge, status, power, etc. Not always on one side of course - being the younger one can be a source of power in the physical/ health stakes.

However, if those disparities are something the couple can work through and they aren't an issue for them, then I think that life-stage and values are far more important than age.

ebayaddict · 29/11/2009 17:18

Not a huge age gap (7 years) but I met dh when I was 15 (just) and he was 22. You can imagine how that went down with my parents

15 years later we are still happily together, have been married 8 1/2 years and have 2 dc's. It was tricky at the start dealing with the reactions from people around us but he was a young 22 and I was a boringly sensible and level headed 15 year old. As we get older it doesn't make any difference at all.

lovechoc · 29/11/2009 17:19

I'm 27 and DH is 35. we have a great relationship. don't listen to your friends, do what your heart desires and if it feels right trust your instincts.

MrsMattie · 29/11/2009 17:19

My DH is 13 years older than me. Not a generation apart, but a sizeable gap. We have been together for 9 years, have two children and he is most definitely the one for me

4andnotout · 29/11/2009 17:33

I'm 27 and my dp is 45 and actually the same age as my dad. We have been together 6 years and had 3 children as well as my dd1 (who considers him daddy) in that time. We don't really notice the age gap in day to day living.

HerBeatitude · 29/11/2009 17:43

I'm interested that very few of these success stories are about older women with younger men.

Speaking as someone with toyboy fantasies...

blueshoes · 29/11/2009 17:50

erm ... my dh is 5 years' younger than me Not a huge age gap, I accept, but seems to work well. I never notice the age gap nor does anyone else. I have a 'young' face and body, but don't look too closely!

Oblomov · 29/11/2009 17:55

Well, first OP, 21 years is quite alot. Lets be honest here.
Mind you when you are 15, 5 yrs , going out with a 20 yr old is a big deal. when you are 35, going out with a 40 yr old is nothing.
There is nearly 10 years between me and dh. We met when I was late 20's. It is nothing.

Are you that bothered by this reaction. Or deep in your heart are you posting because it seems a little too many years.
If it is fine, just try to forget and see how it goes ?????

expatinscotland · 29/11/2009 17:59

the main problem when the woman is much older, however, is if she's with a man who says he doesn't want kids, he might change his mind.

this happened to a pal of mine, he ended their relationship after 9 years, as, when he reached 40, he realised he wanted a family which she, at 55 and with grown children, could not give him.

HerBeatitude · 29/11/2009 18:01

Yes that's the obvious one that way round, isn't it.

scottishmummy · 29/11/2009 18:06

CZJ and wrinkly michael douglas seem to make it work and they have big age difference

scottishmummy · 29/11/2009 18:09

though rod stewart is always nipping a new younger burd.they all look alike too

MrsSantos · 29/11/2009 18:10

There is a 15 year age gap between me and (soon to be gone) H. I don't think the age gap has helped but it is definitely not the only reason we are breaking up. He does seem to be on a slide into old githood which I find weird as my Dad was much more youthful at his age - personality, shared interests, similar outlook on some of the most important things - family, money, religion (or not) etc. seem to be binding.

Bloody good luck to anyone with a toyboy. Not sure I would have the energy

spiralqueen · 29/11/2009 18:37

To buck the trend my DH is 11 years younger than me. We met just after I turned 40 and got engaged 3 years later assuming that children were out of the equation, something that we accepted. However two months short of 45 I produced our DD who has been the icing on the cake of a wonderful relationship.

I'm not sure if it would have worked if we'd met 10 years earlier but we have both had plenty of life experience, have a similar outlook on life and to be honest most of the time the gap either isn't relevant or is the subject of mutual good natured teasing.

Only you can know if the relationship is right for you. Perhaps it's right for now and that's good enough.

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