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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To open a letter addressed to DP?

116 replies

GreatForest · 27/11/2009 10:00

DP is very "funny" about people opening his mail and has always made a point of saying he'd hate it if I did it

Anyway, this morning a letter arrived from the council, addressed to him but it concerns both of us.

The letter is as much for me as it is for him and it's very important to both of us. I text him to say the letter had arrived but it's just in his name, does he mind if I open it as it concerns us both and he replied saying "I'll open it when I get in from work".

He doesn't get home until 5pm and I want to know what it says!! I feel he's being a complete control freak and I have as much right to open it as he does.

AIBU to open it anyway whether he'll kick off or not?

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 27/11/2009 17:38

"DH the letter is here from the lottery confirming whether we have won £1 or £10M. Shall I open it?"

"No. I will be home next week. I will open it then"

"Okeydokey fair dues"

MorrisZapp · 27/11/2009 17:40

Even Morris

I love it. The pub awaits ladies, see you all soon.

ImSoNotTelling · 27/11/2009 17:40

Have fun

scottishmummy · 27/11/2009 17:50

so knowing it isnt addressed to you,and knowing he doesnt want you to open it..you want to open it

aye well go ahead,clearly you want some argy bargy and are being provocative

not wishing your mail to be opened isnt being funny its called appropriate level of privacy.being some partner doesnt give privelege to pry

scottishmummy · 27/11/2009 17:55

this we share everything as a couple is nonsense.you don't morph into a homogeneous mass because you live together.nor,does being a partner/wife give rights to open mail not addressed to you.if it doesn't have your name it isnt your mail

PlumBumMum · 27/11/2009 18:03

We never get any exciting mail that I would want to be the first to open, who ever goes to the trouble of walking down the driveway and getting it from the box gets the pleasure of opening it.

TheFallenMadonna · 27/11/2009 18:03

I open any bills, and all stuff from the tax office, and ISA stuff, which come addressed to DH. He would open any of the same addressed to me. They concern our joint finances, and our finances are joint, so we view them in that way. I don't open anything else addressed to DH, nor he to me, although I don't think I'd mind especially.

TheFallenMadonna · 27/11/2009 18:05

Our joint finances aren't a nonsense scottishmummy. It's the way we choose to conduct our affairs, and that's our business. Nor does it mean we are or view ourselves as homogenous . That's a ridiculous inference to draw.

nancy75 · 27/11/2009 18:06

i don't even look at the name on the envelope, just open everything, if i left it to dp last years xmas cards would still be on the doormat.

tallulahbelly · 27/11/2009 18:06

I might have missed that post but WTF was in the letter?

He was home at 5pm. I've been in suspense all day.

AIBU to want to go round and open it myself?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/11/2009 18:08

Yes, OP, please come back and tell us what was in the letter (how will her DP feel about that, though )

tallulahbelly · 27/11/2009 18:25

PlumbBumMum If you really want interesting post I recommend getting into a legal dispute with an unhinged neighbour.

LeQueen · 27/11/2009 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lovechoc · 27/11/2009 18:55

I don't normally agree with scottishmummy but I do agree with her latest posts. Just because you are co-habiting or married doesn't mean you are now joined at the hip and have to do everything together.

I personally wouldn't be opening DH's mail and he doesn't open mine. It's not that we have anything to hide, it's just that we respect each other's space and privacy. We are individuals after all...

corriefan · 27/11/2009 19:18

Why does it have anything to do with anyone else if two people in a relationship open each other's mail? Me and DH do it wrt finances as we have joint finances. It wasn't because it was something we thought we were 'meant' to do once we were married, nor are we joined at the hip. There's just no need for privacy their. I open his mainly because otherwise it could sit there for days and a bill may not be paid and I can file it. In actual fact the kids quite often open them if I say it's OK.
It's also OK if you choose to only open things for you, if that's what you want.

corriefan · 27/11/2009 19:20

there

Northernlurker · 27/11/2009 19:23

Imsonot- in my case I would be able to open the damn letter because that is the arrangement dh and I have. If he told me that he didn't want me to I would however respect his wishes - even if it annoyed the hell out of me! Doesn't mean I wouldn't want to, doesn't mean what's in the letter doesn't affect me - but if your partner says no to this then it's wrong to flout their wishes. Just like it's wrong to look at porn if your partner asks you not to, to take money from their accounts without asking or indulge in drugs when you've agreed you won't. You make a deal you stick to it - even over something as minor as the post.

ImSoNotTelling · 27/11/2009 19:46

I don't think I could be with someone who said no to opening the big important news letter that we'd all been waiting for. It's just alien to me that anyone would say refuse in that situation (without a better reason that "because I say so" - "let's open it together" would be fine).

ImSoNotTelling · 27/11/2009 19:53

I have never said she should open the letter. He has said no. I just can't understand why he said that.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/11/2009 20:35

Me too Imso. Can't wait for the OP to come back.

uppie · 28/11/2009 00:05

YABU Haven't you got anything better to do all day? Or are you just really nosey? I think you are being a bit childish.

scrummymum · 28/11/2009 08:17

Obviously everyone has different ways of dealing with things within their own relationship. But to call it nonsense just because it isn't how you deal with it, is just short sighted.

In our house, whoever is in when the post comes (usually me, but not always) opens it regardless of whose name is on it or if it is typed or handwritten (personally, I get excited if it looks handwritten and it still isn't anything that exciting). We also open all xmas cards. The only time that I don't open DH's post/he open mine, is when it is around the time of our birthdays and it is obviously a card.

We also share all bank accounts, an e-mail address where we open all messages and occasionally read a text to the other if they want to know what it says but can't get to the phone. We don't have any secrets in that respect, but if other people want to do it another way then whatever.

Elfytigga · 28/11/2009 08:19

If you open it YABU, I had very little privacy growing up and all my mail got opened. I don't mind dp opening my mail but he always asks first. I'm a bit funny about people going in my handbag as well.

NeverClaimedToBeSaneTiggaxx

serenity · 28/11/2009 09:10

Our council are buggers. We're joint tenants, and being the one who's home all day, I'm the one who deals with them over things. All the post still comes addressed to DH I've complained many, many times but 'it's the computer, innit' so there's nothing to be done. so, in our house, important letter from the council addressed to DH would be opened without a thought (don't touch statements, junk mail or boring stuff like that though, and definitely not fun stuff like cards)

PuppyMonkey · 28/11/2009 09:17

To all those of you saying that the OP shouldn't open the letter, let's just hope it didn't say something like: Please contact our office today (Friday) otherwise you will be evicted from your home tomorrow...