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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To open a letter addressed to DP?

116 replies

GreatForest · 27/11/2009 10:00

DP is very "funny" about people opening his mail and has always made a point of saying he'd hate it if I did it

Anyway, this morning a letter arrived from the council, addressed to him but it concerns both of us.

The letter is as much for me as it is for him and it's very important to both of us. I text him to say the letter had arrived but it's just in his name, does he mind if I open it as it concerns us both and he replied saying "I'll open it when I get in from work".

He doesn't get home until 5pm and I want to know what it says!! I feel he's being a complete control freak and I have as much right to open it as he does.

AIBU to open it anyway whether he'll kick off or not?

OP posts:
FabIsVeryLucky · 27/11/2009 13:20

I don't think he has to justify why he doesn't want you to open his mail.

Pikelit · 27/11/2009 13:21

Not a situation that'd occur here although I don't routinely open dp's post nor he mine. We've received letters addressed to him that are mainly meant for both of us and I've often phoned him and asked if I can open them. In all cases he's agreed. If he didn't, tempting as it would be, I'd respect his preference. There are some things I wouldn't expect to open first though, no matter how much they affected both of us. His divorce petition and subsequent decree nisi and absolute being examples. I took the view that this was personal stuff that he had every right to see before me.

In the op's circumstances, YABU in opening this letter given how definite your dp has been about the matter. But I would want to ask him why he needs to be so cagey about his mail and why, when a letter arrives containing something that so clearly concerns both of you, he needs to be so controlling.

LIZS · 27/11/2009 13:23

how do you know it is concerning you too if yuu haven't already looked ?

wickedwitchofwaterloo · 27/11/2009 13:32

I'm not saying he has to justify his reasons, I just think it's a little odd to be cagey about something like that with the person he lives with tis all

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/11/2009 13:37

I don't think you can open it, but I cannot see why he would not want you to, if it concerns you both. Seems weirdly controlling.

Could he have something to hide ?

I don't routinely open DHs post, but I would if I knew it was just something, like a bill, that might be in his name but pertains to us both.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/11/2009 13:37

Is he controlling in other ways ?

lovechoc · 27/11/2009 13:38

I would say personally that it is addressed to your DP so let him open it when he gets in.

Respect his wishes, as he'd do the same for you.

ImSoNotTelling · 27/11/2009 13:54

I would find it extraordinarily peculiar if DH said I could not open a letter like this.

marantha · 27/11/2009 13:55

What so living together with children gives people carte blanche to have absolute no respect for their "partners'" boundaries? By this reasoning it is OK for a man to take his aggression out on his wife- cause like they're one and the same, innit?
I am wholly with the opening poster's other half- how dare another person open another's mail?
If you are desperate to do it, you at least have the decency to RECOGNISE it is wrong and do it secretly as in steaming open the letter without the other person's knowledge.
I despise feminism- I just KNOW that if the opening poster here was a man who wanted to open his wife's mail he'd be accused of being a "control freak" like the guy in "Sleeping with the Enemy".

lovechoc · 27/11/2009 13:57

double standards isn't it marantha

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/11/2009 14:05

marantha I don't agree with what you say about feminism. The piece of post affects both of them. I don't think she should open it, after he's said not to, but I don't see why he has said not to.

marantha · 27/11/2009 14:05

Absolutely double standards. Let's face it; if a man was itching to open his wife's mail, he'd be accused of being a control freak.

Poledra · 27/11/2009 14:09

Do NOT open it - you have asked, he's said no, how would you feel if he went directly against what you wanted one day? I am another one who hates DH opening my mail. Some of it is because I am not an extension of my husband and the letter is addressed to me, not him. Also, on a practical level, DH opened my bank statement one month without telling me. As I hadn't seen it, I phoned the bank and complained, and also got a bit worried as to where my statement had gone and who might have my bank details. Then DH owned up.......

However, if DH had asked me if he could open my bank statement, I would have said yes.

marantha · 27/11/2009 14:09

Jamie...,
How can the OP possibly know what the envelope contains? She just THINKS she knows what is in it.

ImSoNotTelling · 27/11/2009 14:10

What a load of bollocks. DH is welcome to open my post, why wouldn't he be?

It's nothing to do with boundaries or feminism, it's to do with two people with joint responsibility for important things like houses, children, cars, trusting each other and being open.

It's a letter from the council which affects the OP, a very important letter, yet she has to wait at home stewing? Ridiculous.

Picante · 27/11/2009 14:11

I always open dh's mail. If I didn't it would lie around for weeks and we'd miss lots of important things. He's not in the slightest bit bothered... he has nothing to hide after all...

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/11/2009 14:18

Perhaps the OP could come back (and if it's not too sensitive) tell us what she thinks it is.

I would guess that she's got a better idea of what it is than we have.

marantha · 27/11/2009 14:51

ImSoNotTelling, Everybody has things they wish to keep to themselves. Just because a person is in a relationship it does not mean to say that they have to share every single little detail of their life with the other person.

I am afraid this matter is at its heart the issue of boundaries.

Of course, the OP's partner may not trust the OP with the details of the letter. Not a good sign.

ImSoNotTelling · 27/11/2009 15:13

Our council insist on writing to DH even though we always put both our names down. Maybe OPs council are the same. Would be pretty if on that basis he wouldn't share the content of correspondence regarding our life together.

OP knows that the letter is from the council, that it affects both of them, that it is important. She has asked her DH if she can open it. He says no, it's not her business. But it is, isn't it.

I mean she knows what the letter is pertaining to, they have both been waiting for this letter.

It's not like she wants to open his xmas cards or something.

allaboutme · 27/11/2009 15:19

If you know the letter is from the council and you are waiting for a letter from the coucil about something you are querying together and that affects both of you, then theres no reason you shouldnt open the letter!
You cant now you've asked him as that will cause a row though. I'd wait till he gets home, pass it to him to open and then ask him what the news is. Plus tell him that you've been dying to know all day and since you both knew the letter was for both of you, you are a bit put out by the fact he asked you not to open it and why did he say that?

In my own situation I would have opened it without asking and I know that DH would hae been absolutely fine with that.

CarryOnDancing · 27/11/2009 15:40

"I despise feminism" I despise attempts to turn everything into an issue about feminism-this had nothing to do with feminism (positive or negative). If it was a man wanting to open a womans post I for one wouldn't be leaping on his adams apple!

Please lets stop thinking stereotypes marantha. Despising feminism is just as political as being a feminist.

SmugPatronisingAndVicious · 27/11/2009 15:45

I wondered why Daftpunk was getting mail directed to your address...

FimboFortunaFeet · 27/11/2009 15:45

Just because a person is in a relationship it does not mean to say that they have to share every single little detail of their life with the other person. -

Oh dear, I think you would puke at Dh and I then Marantha. I open anything that comes through the door, likewise does dh, regardless of who it is addressed to. We pretty much lead our lives in each others pockets too. But we are happy and like it that way and do not forced our opinions/what we do on anyone else. Each to their own.

marantha · 27/11/2009 15:58

I wouldn't puke, Fimbo..., that is the way you and your Dh are in YOUR relationship-it's up to you and you're both agreed on it so what's the issue?
It does seem to me, though, that perhaps the OP and her partner have different ideas about where THEIR boundaries should be.

thesecondcoming · 27/11/2009 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.