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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To open a letter addressed to DP?

116 replies

GreatForest · 27/11/2009 10:00

DP is very "funny" about people opening his mail and has always made a point of saying he'd hate it if I did it

Anyway, this morning a letter arrived from the council, addressed to him but it concerns both of us.

The letter is as much for me as it is for him and it's very important to both of us. I text him to say the letter had arrived but it's just in his name, does he mind if I open it as it concerns us both and he replied saying "I'll open it when I get in from work".

He doesn't get home until 5pm and I want to know what it says!! I feel he's being a complete control freak and I have as much right to open it as he does.

AIBU to open it anyway whether he'll kick off or not?

OP posts:
SmugPatronisingAndVicious · 27/11/2009 16:13

heehee, I thought that. But this is mumsnet- I'd be disappointed if somebody didn't say it

CarryOnDancing · 27/11/2009 16:18

I think phone and email are different, they are actually 'personal'. I don't think I've ever received a letter that I would deem personal.

I wouldn't read phone or emails but I would open the letter.

I do think asking if hes controlling is somewhat stirring things though, his request is strange but not controlling per se.

MorrisZapp · 27/11/2009 16:21

Controlling, wtf????????

It has his name on it.

He has a right to open it himself.

Holy crap. I just don't get the whole 'we're married now so we open each other's mail' thing.

As I said on another thread yesterday, I'd rather live on my own than with somebody who opened my mail/ knew my passwords etc. God how suffocating to lose that tiny bit of privacy that personal communication brings.

YAB soooo U

thesecondcoming · 27/11/2009 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 27/11/2009 16:35

I'd never open DPs mail - however itching I was. It has his name on and all that. And I'd be horrified if he opened mine.

And I go ballistic if he goes into my handbag - not that I have anything more exciting in there than some tissues and spare socks, but it's my private space and if he wants something out of there I feel he should ask me first.

But the worst thing is when he puts things into my handbag. I know, I know he's just being helpful....but I spend ages looking for my mobile phone or my oyster card or whatever as they aren't where I left them and then he says 'Oh I put them in your handbag'. It makes me so but of course I look like a complete [how do you do that lovely witch emoticon] because he's just been being helpful. But it is MY phone and I put it where I knew it was!

CarryOnDancing · 27/11/2009 16:36

I don't think anyone has said they have some kind of 'right' to open their partners post. I don't personally do it (unless obviously household bills) but if both are in agreement that it makes the running of the house more efficient then its hardly imposing in someones personal business.

When a couple share financial responsibility doesn't it make sense for both to handle the post? I find it quite rude to suggest a flaw in someones character when both sides have no issue with it. Maybe its not for you, but it doesn't mean theres anything wrong or immoral in others doing it.

ImSoNotTelling · 27/11/2009 16:39

Hold on a minute. This is a letter from the council, which is important, and the OP knows what it is, and they have both been waiting for it.

A similar situation in our house might be, say we applied for a loan. I deal with most of the financial stuff so i did the application. However the loan is for home improvements to our house.

Letter from loan company comes, I am out. DH rings and says "ooooh letter from loan company is here shall I open it?" and so of course I say NO????????

I'm sorry but that is weird IMO and I can't imagine being in a relationship where that happened.

FWIW we always ask before opening things, but neither of us would say no. I would have no interest in opening his bank statements or whatever, but things which affect both of us get opened ASAP as to make the other person wait is just odd.

thesecondcoming · 27/11/2009 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaneiteMightBite · 27/11/2009 16:39

YABU - I wouldn't dream of opening dp's post and he wouldn't open mine.

MorrisZapp · 27/11/2009 16:41

I wouldn't even open junk mail catalogue in clear plastic cover if it had DPs name on it.

It ain't my mail.

hocuspontas · 27/11/2009 16:44

I have to open dp's post otherwise he opens it, reads every word then squirrels it away round his side of the bed along with the envelope - "just incase it's important".

He will eventually trip over the pile so my reasons for opening his mail are obviously for health and safety reasons

I may leave a handwritten letter for him to open, just to give him a little excitement after a long day, poor love.

ImSoNotTelling · 27/11/2009 16:59

And none of you would even ask your OH if you should open it if it was something very important that you had both been waiting for, that affected both of you, and that it was easily identifiable from the envelope that this was it.

"Oh that's probably the results from the adoption panel but for some reason they have only put OHs name on the front. I'll put it over here and wait for OH to open it when he gets home in 8 hours"

I don't believe you.

MorrisZapp · 27/11/2009 17:14

I'd ask him, but if he preferred to make me wait I'd roll my eyes and accept it.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/11/2009 17:14

Sorry, I was referring to controlling in the situation in the OP. In this situation, it does strike me as controlling.

As I've said, I wouldn't expect to open DHs post, nor he mine, but this is (we think) a letter pertaining to both of them. I still can't see why he wouldn't want her to open it in this situation.

However, he has asked her not to so as I said, she shouldn't go against his wishes.

Please read my posts before WTFing me

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/11/2009 17:17

Post above possibly unnecessarily aggressive - sounding

< anyone ? >

ImSoNotTelling · 27/11/2009 17:18

You're a better woman than me morriszapp. I'd knock his block off if he preferred to make me wait under those circs.

MorrisZapp · 27/11/2009 17:20

I ain't a better woman than anybody.

But I admit, I am quite well developed in the patience/ delayed gratification department.

As a kid, I left my chips until last because I knew I would enjoy them more then.

Now you probably want to knock my block off too

ImSoNotTelling · 27/11/2009 17:23

I am always amazed by the diversity of behaviour within relationships, and how things that I think are normal to the point of not even thinking about them are handled completely differently by other people.

Is nice that most people have managed to pair up with people who share the same approach as them. I mean post opening isn't something I thought to discuss before marriage!

ImSoNotTelling · 27/11/2009 17:26

x-post

I left my easter eggs for ages once when I was a girl. I was very smug about it. My bro wolfed his down in about 5 secs flat.

The beautiful shiny eggs sat there in their cardboard and I hugely anticipated when I would finally snaffle them up.

Imagine my horror when, about 2 weeks later, i opened them to find that my brother had opened them, pigged the lot, then carefully put all the packaging back. The little sod.

MorrisZapp · 27/11/2009 17:30

lol, my whole childhood was like some bizarre mindgame olympics with my bro and sis.

My sister was hopeless but bro and I could take delayed gratification to extremes that would enrage a Buddhist monk.

Only way to enjoy winning was with a patient and condescending smile.

mumto3boys · 27/11/2009 17:30

If you are sure that's what it is then YANBU. And i'm sure it would be pretty obvious, it's unlikely you would be getting 2 letters from the council.

We are waiting for planning permission but it will be in my name, basically because I am the one in all day and can answer the phone etc. If I was out and the letter came, why on earth would I tell DH he couldn't open it???

But then most people probably think we are vomit worthy, we open post, share an email address, know eahothers passwords, share bank accounts.

We wouldn't open parcels - likely to be xmas presents. And don't open hand written envelopes as these are going to be letters, rather than bills and house stuff.

Have to say some people must get much more exciting post than us if they are so botheres about their partners opening it!

Northernlurker · 27/11/2009 17:30

OP - the letter was addressed to him and he has specifically said he wants to keep his post to himself. That is reasonable of him. You don't have any right to it. You only think you know what it is and it's his letter!

If you don't like the idea that you can't open his post then that's for you to negotiate seperately from this letter. Of course the crucial thing to remember is - will you be happy with him opening ALL your post too?

ImSoNotTelling · 27/11/2009 17:34

NL so in the scenario I outlined above you would also not ask?

ImSoNotTelling · 27/11/2009 17:35

even morris conceded she would ask and with practice like hers that's really quite something!

sayithowitis · 27/11/2009 17:36

Despite my DH telling me that I can of course open letters that are addressed to him, I actually don't. And he doesn't open mine. Even if we know the contents concern us both. Just as, though we share an e-mail address, neither of us ever opens e-mails for the other one. And I can say, hand on heart, that even when he has opened his e-mails, I still don't read them, even though he would have no way of knowing whether I had or not. It's about respecting his right to privacy. And being able to trust each other.

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