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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my dp to leave work to take dd to school

101 replies

kaylasmum · 26/11/2009 10:46

My ds has been sick since Tuesday morning, i think he may have picked up a bug from dd who had diahoreah since Friday. He was sick several times on Tuesday and seemed to pick up a little but then all yesterday he was very lethargic and cpmplaining quite often about a sore stomach. My dd is 6yo and has been off school because of her stomach upset and the school said she could'nt go back until she had been diahoreah free for 24 hours. Anyway her last bout of diahoreah was Tuesday evening so i was all set to get her back to school this morning. I had a really bad night with ds as he was waking every half hour or so crying in pain. I got up this morning and started getting ready to get dd to school when ds was sick and had diahoreah, he did'nt want to get out of bed and is really tired. So, i phoned my dp at work, he works 15 minutes away, and asked him if he could possibly come and pick dd up and take he to school as i really did'nt want to take ds out.

He said he would speak to his manager so i carried on getting dd ready for school, getting packed lunch ready etc and he phone up and said would it not be ok just to keep dd home from school as he could'nt "be bothered" to come and pick her up. He had'nt even asked his manager, he had spoken to his workmate and he said that if one of his kids was ill he would just keep them both off.

Anyway i told him that i really wanted to get her back to school as she has already missed too much, he said it does'nt really matter as she is only in primary 2. This ended up with him saying to me "why could'nt you have fucking asked me this before i went to work". Well as i can't see into the future i had no idea that my ds was going to take a turn for the worse 15 minutes after dp left for work. I have a phobia of vomiting which i've recieved cbt for and i have been coping with this fairly well but it really freaks me out, and i also have health anxiety and tend to imagine the worst when my kids are ill so this has been very difficult for me and i just wanted a little support from my dp.

so AIBU.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 26/11/2009 10:50

She is dressed for school and needs to go. Don't make it any more complicated than that, or you'll sound like you are whinging (which I can understand, but it won't help).

nickschick · 26/11/2009 10:50

I dont think either of you are being unreasonable -its just the way it goes if people are in work thats their job they cant just leave to take children to school- similarly you were in a very awkward position.

In this situation I dont think I would have sent dd to school bcos this bug will be passed back and forth and id wait til monday til they were both clear and start again.

Its a good idea to befriend mums at school so in case of emergency there is someone you can ask to help you with school runs,and you can help them.

PuppyMonkey · 26/11/2009 11:03

I would let her have the rest of the week off, you have obviously got a house of sickness there. Take care!

Original poster

kaylasmum · 26/11/2009 11:06

bitofFun - not sure i understand your post, yes she was ready for school but i could'nt take the little one out, he's too ill. I was'nt whinging, i just asked for dp help. He is a gardener on an estate with 2 other gardeners and really getting away would'nt be a problem. He said he could'nt be bothered. The result is that i phoned the school and explained to them the situation and they said not to worry about it and they would see her tomorrow. Lets hope ds is fit enough to be taken out tomorrow the.

nickschick - i did think of keeping her at home but really wanted to get her back as she had been off 2 weeks ago with another ailment, she was off for 3 days then. She is missing out on work and i don't want her to fall behind. Parents have rights when their lo are ill and i'm sure his manager would have been absolutely fine with him doing this. And as far as him not being unreasonable, i think he was very unreasonable to start swearing at me when i was only asking for a little help.

Thanks though for your replies.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 26/11/2009 11:11

I just meant not to put it to him that you need his "support" etc etc- just tell him that she needs to go and you're not in a position to take her, so he'll have to.

Original poster

kaylasmum · 26/11/2009 11:19

oh right, well he's not taken her so she's missing another day at school when she is perfectly able to go. If he'd been in another type of job like office work then i would'nt have asked him to do this.

OP posts:

mrsjammi · 26/11/2009 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CirrhosisByTheSea · 26/11/2009 11:26

It sounds as if it would not have been hard for him to get the time. I think he should have done it and it was mean spirited of him not to when you'd asked. If my husband phoned me with a request like that I would do it happily (assuming it was ok with work).

islandofsodor · 26/11/2009 11:28

Thats not quite correct mrsjammi.

Anyone with dependents (and I used to work in an office with a lady who used this rule for an elderly mother) has the right to emergency unpaid time off for dependents.

I had this situation myself twice in the last week oddly enough and both times dh was working over 100 miles away. Luckily my parents were able to come and help. First time ds was ill and I had to take dd to school and 2nd time I was ill as we were getting ready for school.

mrsjammi · 26/11/2009 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

kaylasmum · 26/11/2009 11:31

mrsjammi - re- parental rights, at my work we are allowed a certain amount of dependants leave and for this purpose, such as a child being ill. We don't have to give any notice at all as it is difficult to know in advance when a lo is going to be ill. as far as my dd missing school, i would have preferred her to go as i have already stated, she has had quite a number of days off this term already and i'm concerned about her falling behind in work and her abscence rate. I just think that if she is able to go then every effort should be made that she does.

Also my ds is only 2 yo.

OP posts:

sb6699 · 26/11/2009 11:32

I can see it from both sides. I see the problem in keeping DD home, probably better for the children at school tbh if she's home for another day just make sure she's no longer contageous and in P2 she'll be able to catch up with anything she's missed really quickly.

Other mums' who's dh's work have to cope with their other children are ill, so second the suggestion that you buddy up with another mum so you can help each other out in these situations.

On the other hand, "I cant be bothered" really isnt acceptable is it.

Just an aside, it seems your school are very understanding. I kept DD1 home from Reception one day when DS was just too ill leave the house. Their attendance is just about perfect so didnt think it would be an issue but school were really hacked off about it and wanted to know why someone else couldnt bring her. I live 400 miles away from my family so dont have any of them around and we live pretty far away from school, semi-rural so no other mums pass anywhere near our house. They know this ffs!

sb6699 · 26/11/2009 11:33

Sorry, "I DONT see the problem...."

islandofsodor · 26/11/2009 11:36

Thats awful sb.

Our school are pretty understanding to the extnet that once when dd was sick at school an dI had to colelct her they also got ds ready to come home early so I didn't have to worry about how to collect him later.

diddl · 26/11/2009 11:36

But from the schools point of view, keeping a child home who doesn´t need tobe isn´t a good way of doing things.

How do they know your home situation so well?

mrsjammi · 26/11/2009 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

islandofsodor · 26/11/2009 11:41

I guess it depends on your school. My dc go to a two form intake independent primary and the staff do seem to know everyone personally. Then again the nursery head (who knows everyone) has a desk in reception so is often there to deal with these instances.

If it is a huge 3 or 4 form intake school I guess it is harder to know everyones circumstances.

LIZS · 26/11/2009 11:45

Not very helpful of him but if ds is any better now can you not take her now. Or do any neighbourign kids go to the same school so parents could take /fetch her as a one off ? Fresh air may even help him. By the time you've argued couldn't you have got her there.

frogetyfrog · 26/11/2009 11:50

I would just leave my dd off and hope that tommorrow my ds was o.k for me to take him with me. In todays climate anybody with a job is lucky to have one and it is difficult to ask for time off and quite frankly doesnt really look too good imo. I wouldnt ask my dh to take time off to do school run unless I was really really ill with something I couldnt get out of bed to do. At 6 she wont be missing much at school - you could always get hold of what they are doing and do it with her. If ds looking ill in the night you could always get dh to drop dd at a mates so she can travel with her friend.

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/11/2009 11:56

sorry s&d bug has been a visitor in your house

it wouldnt have hurt for dp to come+take to school (tho obv he was at work and may have not been able to leave)

my dh is a gardener and some of his clinets wouldnt have been happy if he dissapeered for an hour - where others wouldnt have minded

i am very suprised that you didnt call one of dd school friends mums to see if they could take and return

that would have been the obvious solution - or are you in the middle of nowhere?

Original poster

kaylasmum · 26/11/2009 12:01

ok, first of all, i was spoken to about dd's abscence before and was told that she was falling behind in her work. I don't want her to be different from her classmates. I don't have anyone who can take her for me, no-one to help at all. Both my parents are dead so i get no support from anyone. I rely on my dp to help out when needed. My dp can normally get away from work when needed for whatever reason, they are quite good in this way.

Also i did'nt spend much time arguing! i was too busy attending to my sick ds! He is too ill to take outside, he does'nt want to stand up let alone go outside. I don't drive and his buggy broke on monday. The school is a 15 minute uphill walk, a bit much for a sick 2yo ime.

OP posts:

nickschick · 26/11/2009 12:04

I think this has been blown up out of all proportion and rather than let it cause a row or spoil the weekend then let it blow over and find other emergency tactics to help you in these situations.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/11/2009 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

diddl · 26/11/2009 12:08

How far away is school?

Don´t you have any neighbours?

frogetyfrog · 26/11/2009 12:09

Sorry you seem to be struck with d&v. And sorry your dd seems to be suffering illness a lot recently. But it does sound from your post as if you may call on your dp a lot, and expect him to leave work. Its a bit of a risky strategy in my opinion if you dont work, as in todays climate a job is precious and if they are looking to reduce numbers they will look at things like absence etc. Why dont you know any of the other parents in your area with dds in your dds year or sons year that could have picked her up. Or just accept that there will be times when things dont go according to plan and you just do what you have to do. It wont happen very often that one of the children is sick and the buggy is broken (get a new one fast!). Your dd can catch up at home - do some work with her today.

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