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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my dp to leave work to take dd to school

101 replies

kaylasmum · 26/11/2009 10:46

My ds has been sick since Tuesday morning, i think he may have picked up a bug from dd who had diahoreah since Friday. He was sick several times on Tuesday and seemed to pick up a little but then all yesterday he was very lethargic and cpmplaining quite often about a sore stomach. My dd is 6yo and has been off school because of her stomach upset and the school said she could'nt go back until she had been diahoreah free for 24 hours. Anyway her last bout of diahoreah was Tuesday evening so i was all set to get her back to school this morning. I had a really bad night with ds as he was waking every half hour or so crying in pain. I got up this morning and started getting ready to get dd to school when ds was sick and had diahoreah, he did'nt want to get out of bed and is really tired. So, i phoned my dp at work, he works 15 minutes away, and asked him if he could possibly come and pick dd up and take he to school as i really did'nt want to take ds out.

He said he would speak to his manager so i carried on getting dd ready for school, getting packed lunch ready etc and he phone up and said would it not be ok just to keep dd home from school as he could'nt "be bothered" to come and pick her up. He had'nt even asked his manager, he had spoken to his workmate and he said that if one of his kids was ill he would just keep them both off.

Anyway i told him that i really wanted to get her back to school as she has already missed too much, he said it does'nt really matter as she is only in primary 2. This ended up with him saying to me "why could'nt you have fucking asked me this before i went to work". Well as i can't see into the future i had no idea that my ds was going to take a turn for the worse 15 minutes after dp left for work. I have a phobia of vomiting which i've recieved cbt for and i have been coping with this fairly well but it really freaks me out, and i also have health anxiety and tend to imagine the worst when my kids are ill so this has been very difficult for me and i just wanted a little support from my dp.

so AIBU.

OP posts:
LIZS · 26/11/2009 12:11

Lots of peopl don't have family to support them locally. If you can't rely on dp alone to help then you need to find a neighbour who can,if only occasionally, and who you could help out in return. This won't be the last time you face such an issue.

FluffyPumpkins · 26/11/2009 12:16

If it was a case of your dp's boss saying no, thats fair enough but dd having another day off because Dp "cant be botherd" is another matter so YANBU

nickschick · 26/11/2009 12:17

We have no family except grandad but I seem to have spent many years taking other peoples children home and to school to 'build up' favours that one day i might need returning lol.....

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/11/2009 12:20

agree get a new buggy fast

does sound as if you ask dp to pop home/do stuff/help you alot and tbh its not possible all the time and as froggertyfrog said, his job may be at risk if keeps popping off - sure the other gardeners there arent happy with him dissapeering

its not ideal to take ill child out on school run, and sometimes i can get dc friends mum to collect/pick up if other 2 really poorly/infectious

other times, i have to bite the bullet and take with me, and literlly throw into school playground and run off before we infect anyone

Sassybeast · 26/11/2009 12:22

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time and I actually don't think it's that unreasonable to call on your DP as a first port of call for help. Whilst it's very easy to say 'call a neighbour, another mum etc', not everyone is that confident or has that sort of relationship. I think if the only factor was that he couldn't be bothered, rather than he asked his boss and his boss refused etc, thn you are okay to be a little miffed. Hope the kids are better soon.

diddl · 26/11/2009 12:25

So if the buggy wasn´t broken,you would probably have done it?

Maybe your husband meant that you should have mentioned the possibility of him taking daughter before he left?

As for "parents rights"-would these apply when one is a SAHM?

Original poster
kaylasmum · 26/11/2009 12:32

blondeshavemorefun - my dp is a gardener on a large estate with 3 other gardeners there. Leaving for half an hour would'nt have been a problem. And is it so strange that i have'nt asked any of dd's pals mums for help? I'm not really that close to any of them. The one that i do have a phone number for lives a good 15 minutes walk from the school on the oposite side to me, she does'nt drive so it would have been to much to ask her.

frogetyfrog - I actually don't call on my dp for this kind of help very often. I'm not sure what it is in my post that makes you think that. And i do have a job and i'm entitled to parental leave in emergencies such as these.

LIZS - i fully understand that many people don't have any family around to help out, i was just making it clear that i felt that i did'nt have any choice but to ask my dp to help out. And yes i know this won't be the last time this happens, i have 5 children aged 25 years down to 2 so i'm well aware of that.

OP posts:
LIZS · 26/11/2009 12:34

or perhaps it would have been better to have asked dp to wait with ds at home while you took dd to school, depending in the logistics of how and where he was working (ie if school or home was nearer). Anyway it is pretty academic now.

frogetyfrog · 26/11/2009 12:36

Kaylas - the bit in your thread that led me to believe your dp may be called on a lot was

'My dp can normally get away from work when needed for whatever reason, they are quite good in this way.'

I apologise if I misunderstood. Also the bit about you having a job was in reference to the fact that if you didnt there is no back up if your dp did lose his job.

stickylittlefingers · 26/11/2009 12:36

YANBU. I think you added a bit too much info to your initial post which has made people a bit judgey, but if the only reason your partner hasn't helped is that he can't be bothered, obviously that's unreasonable.

I hope your ds gets well soon!

Original poster
kaylasmum · 26/11/2009 12:38

sassybeast - thanks for your support.

diddl - no even if the buggy was'nt broken i still would'nt have taken him out, he's not well at all. And i had no intention of asking my dp for help before my ds was sick, i would'nt expect it. He was being an arsehole as usual.

OP posts:
diddl · 26/11/2009 12:38

If the buggy is broken, how were you intending to do it anyway?

frogetyfrog · 26/11/2009 12:39

I too am entitled to parental leave - try not to use it though as nobody can convince me that it does not nark other workers off and give a bad impression (even if it is not obvious on the surface). I would use it in an absolute emergency - but if dh or I have to respond to sick children etc we take annual leave to try to make it look better. One of the reasons we both work around each other during the week so there is almost always one of us available.

frogetyfrog · 26/11/2009 12:40

My last post annoyed even me reading it back. Sorry. What I was trying to say is that even if people are entitled to time off, it is difficult taking it.

Original poster
kaylasmum · 26/11/2009 12:41

what i meant about dp being able to get away from work was about him getting time off for dental appointments or when the car needs serviced, things like that. I'm not a needy person and take great pride in doing things for myself wherever possible. I really don't ask my dp for much help in anything tbh.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 26/11/2009 12:47

"And is it so strange that i have'nt asked any of dd's pals mums for help? I'm not really that close to any of them"

sorry yes i do find this is strange that dd has been at school for 1 or 2 years assume in year 2 as 6yrs and yet you have no friends to call to help

doesnt dd do tea with anyone?

anyway hope ds feels better soon and order a buggy online/get dp to go and get one or tomorrow may be the same (but hopefully not)

Original poster
kaylasmum · 26/11/2009 12:53

diddl - i was intending walking with him or at a push getting the bus but after him vomitting and having diahoreah i did'nt want to take him on public transport as it may have happened again. Up until he was sick i thought he would be able to go out.

OP posts:
sandyballs · 26/11/2009 12:54

I think your dp is being a selfish twat and I'm surprised no-one else has mentioned it. I think you've got a lot on your plate at the moment and he should be supporting you, not listening to his mates at work and swearing at you down the phone .

I would be livid if dh did this, and he is the sort of bloke who has a tendency to be a selfish twat now and then, so I do sympathise.

SecretSlattern · 26/11/2009 12:56

YANBU - school is a legal requirement for a child of your DD's age, a job, albeit in the current climate is not, especially given that parents can take time out when an emergency situation has arisen.

diddl · 26/11/2009 13:02

How old is your daughter?

Could she start walking to school sometimes?

Original poster
kaylasmum · 26/11/2009 13:02

blondeshavemorefun - well maybe i'm just anti-social then! I already explained that there is one mum that i'm quite friendly with and that it would have been unreasonable to expect her to help out. and no "she does'nt do tea" with any of her friends.

OP posts:
juuule · 26/11/2009 13:03

It sounds as though you both need to plan ahead a bit. You do need to replace the buggy or get it fixed pronto. If you can't do that then maybe discuss with the school ways of getting your dd there.
Perhaps they could introduce you to other parents willing to help in times of crisis. Perhaps it would be a way of you making friends with parents at the school.

Could any of your older children have taken your dd to school?

I don't think it would have been fair to expect a 2yo who has been up all night and unwell to walk with you and dd to school even if he hadn't just thrown up etc.

YABU to spring this on your dh once he was already at work.

Sassybeast · 26/11/2009 13:03

Heavens above Didl - you're like a dog with a bone - why has this got to you so much ? And her DD is 6 (see the OP)

Original poster
kaylasmum · 26/11/2009 13:04

diddl - my dd is only 6 and there is no way i would expect her to walk to school on her own. she's far too young.

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 26/11/2009 13:06

I don't think YANBU at all, I would be fizzing with your dh about this and would definitely have words when he gets back (perhaps not as soon as he gets through the door but when you are both sitting down later...)

But maybe you do need to start developing a backup plan or two for these situations. What if you and your dh had also both been ill? - my dh is occasionally so ill that I actually can't leave him alone. I think it's a good incentive to get to know a parent or two of your dd's closer friends?