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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say this to DH

105 replies

scrummymum · 25/11/2009 14:17

My DH has been invited on a stag do next year to Dublin. They are going on Thursday morning and coming back on Sunday night. This guy used to work with DH and they often went out on a weekend in a big group but they are not BF's or anything and now that they don't work together, they only see each other when they go out with another friend who see's them both regularly. This has only happened about 2 or 3 times this year.

I have told DH that I am not happy about him going for this long. We have a 5 year old DD and a 2 year old DS and as he has a job with long hours, I don't want him to waste 2 days of his annual leave and a weekend away from us.

Also, the trip will be horrendously expensive, with 3 nights in a hotel, food and an obscene amount of alcohol and travel. Its not that we can't afford it especially as it is so far in advance that we can save up, but wouldn't that money be better spent taking his family on a weekend away?

Maybe I am just BU but all these hen/stag do's are really starting to p* me off now.

OP posts:

Ixia · 25/11/2009 23:16

My DH could take 4 days to go on a stag do (wouldn't though), but there's no way I could swing it as I'd have to have someone to look after DD and DH wouldn't be able to take time off work to do it.

So from that point of view, YANBU.

Also maybe I'm out of touch - but 4 days for a stag do, that's a piss take, not a piss up.

ClaireyFairy82 · 25/11/2009 23:30

I'm due to give birth in early Jan and DH is going on his bf's stag at the end of Jan(unless I have to have a c-section).

I think it's important for couples to have a life outside of themselves. If i didn't think I'd cope then I'd probably make a bigger deal out of it, but I want him to go and have fun. Hopefully he'll also realise how much he misses us and be super lovely when he gets back.

zazen · 25/11/2009 23:42

I agree about Temple Bar in Dublin. As a Dubliner, I hate it - full of 'foreign' stag / hen w@ankers participants, falling down drunk and puking.

Take the DART out to Dalkey or Howth, Malahide, Bray or Greystones, and have a lovely time by the seaside!

4 days is a long time in Dublin - maybe they could travel to see something cultural. There is some great theatre. And Dublin has a great zoo!

Dublin has changed a lot in the last 6 months - we are having a major recession here, so his trip might be cheaper than it used to be.

Chin up, OP, I love it when my DH goes away!

girlsyearapart · 26/11/2009 07:41

maggie stagathon is my new name for them because clearly thurs am to mon pm is clearly not a weekend now is it??

bathsheba and lequeen totally agree with preferring him to be away than coming home totally hammered/bumping into things/irritating me for the whole rest of the following day with his hangover..

Fibilou · 26/11/2009 10:45

YANBU. I cannot believe that people expect others to use annual leave and huge amounts of money for these stag and hen weekends.

I think they have got ridiculously out of hand in the last few years and it really gets on my nerves.

Fibilou · 26/11/2009 10:54

"I'd let him go with good grace. All his mates will think you are cool."

They are adults, not 12 year olds. I doubt the OP gives a toss what her husband's friends think of her

Undercovamutha · 26/11/2009 11:06

YABU to not want him to go away with his mates and 'waste' 2 days of annual leave.
BUT YANBU to think that stag dos (and hen dos) these days are getting ridiculously expensive and long.
For my hen do we had a night away in a hotel, a meal and a piss up. It was great. Nowadays they have to be 4 days long, and involve a minimum of 5 very expensive activities per day.

mazzystartled · 26/11/2009 11:06

obviously that was a facetious comment in the light of op's DH "thinking he will look bad" regarding going for a shorter time.

he just needs to say - sorry can't get the time off work, see you Saturday. /l and cash saved, everyone's happy (enough)

upahill · 27/11/2009 08:57

Scrummy,

Why do you think it is a 'waste of 2 days leave' if he is doing something he want to do?

I would go mad if DH said I was 'wasting' my leave when I take time off to go away with my mates or have a day or two by myself doing things that DH or kids are not interested in. I could understand if he did stuff away from you with all his leave but 2 days?

CirrhosisByTheSea · 27/11/2009 09:03

I'm with you OP. A four day break is not something you get often in the year and to spend it slaughtered with a bunch of blokes you're not even in touch with at other times strikes me as a big waste of time when you have finite time and resources that you could instead be spending with your loved one and children.

feedtheyakandhewillscore · 27/11/2009 09:12

Don't know if YABU

Dh went on very expensive ski stag do for a week last year. He's going again this year but without stag do excuse.

I've been clever to it this year and book cottage for me, dc and sister. Dh now sulking as he's not able to come with us!

chocolaterabbit · 27/11/2009 10:31

YANBU to not want him to go & prefer the money to be spent on something more useful or to dislike the stupidly expensive hen/ stag things now going on BUT YWould be U to forbid him to go or have a tantrum about it.

Definitely make sure you get some treat for yourself.

Stigaloid · 27/11/2009 10:41

YABU - if he wants to go let him go. he is a grown adult and allowed to have time to himself, as are you.

Original poster

scrummymum · 27/11/2009 12:26

Thanks for all the comments. I already said in my OP that I have only told DH that I am not happy about it. He knows that I would never forbid him to go.

I'm sorry though. I still think it is a waste of leave. If he was going skiing (something that he quite fancies doing but sounds awful to me) then I wouldn't mind as much. Its not that he wouldn't like to go but it wouldn't be something he would think about doing if it wasn't a stag do. I just think that stag do/hen nights are just getting to be a bit of "whose is better" as they get more expensive, longer and elaborate every year. People who organise them are being a tad selfish and don't tend to think of those they invite who don't want to let them down on their special weekend/week but really can't afford it or afford the time off/away from family.

I don't see what is wrong with a night out or even one night away somewhere.

OP posts:

NotFromConcentrate · 27/11/2009 13:54

I think YABU. That said, part of me can see where you're coming from.

You said yourself that your DH works long hours, and you are both obviously very busy bringing up 2 little children. Maybe he deserves to go and do something for himself? (Just as you would deserve the same - not necessarily a get-pissed-athon in Dublin - but some 'you' time). I think the most unfair part of your post is suggsting that it's a waste of his annual leave etc. I don't think it really matters what he is doing, be it getting pissed and promptly forgetting or spending the weekend train spotting, if it's something he wants to do and something he enjoys then I think it's quite rude to dismiss it as a waste of leave.

Enjoy leaving your shoes by the door and having sole custody of the remote control, and look forward to welcoming him home Most of all, enjoy planning what to do with your turn to have some me time!

mumof2222222222222222boys · 27/11/2009 14:10

I am with the OP - YANBU. I cannot imagine my DH doing that.

Fwiw, both I and DH work long hours, and don't see much of the DSs during the week - therefore we spend a lot of time with them at weekends and holidays. I think that is important. DH is about to go away for 6/7 months...fair enough it is his job. But I'd be seriously annoyed if he "wasted" the limited time he has on a PU for FOUR days.

And while a bit of time away from each other is no doubt healthy...it isn't always that easy to organise.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 27/11/2009 14:11

for mums (esp SAHM) I should have added.

LeQueen · 27/11/2009 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

scrummymum · 27/11/2009 21:35

Do you know what LeQueen, you are right. That is what I would have done and I should just let it go. I know he will go anyway and will feel bad about going and not enjoy himself as much. I don't want to do that to him.

To be honest, I have been stewing over this. He actually mentioned it a few months ago and I did say how unhappy I was about it because of the leave/money/time away etc but I haven't mentioned it since.

I think I will just wait until it is next mentioned and then say that it is fine.

I still think these weekends are getting ridiculous and that the people organising them don't always think about the people that they are inviting.

And you know Notfromconcentrate, maybe I am just a bit as when DH has annual leave, it is during the school hols and we always go away or do nice things or he can go away to dublin for a great weekend with mates. My annual leave is partly taken up when my mum and dad who help with my childcare are busy or away on holiday. Obviously I am not whinging about this. I am extremely grateful that I get help with childcare at all but it doesn't always seem fair.

OP posts:

AmericanHag · 27/11/2009 21:54

YANBU. One evening would be fine. Everyone needs to blow off steam sometimes. Four days is too long, given his demanding work schedule.

These years when your kids are little will seem like a blur years from now. Enjoy the babes while they're still babes.

The worst part of this, to me, is that your DH even wants to be away from you and the DCs for that long. In your position, I'd be hurt by this the most.

Obviously, I'm in the minority, though.

uppie · 27/11/2009 23:57

but they are not babies though, are they? YABVU. Chill out for Gods sake. I don,t see what the problem is?

Original poster

scrummymum · 28/11/2009 07:19

Whether you think i am unreasonable or not, I don't see why the age of the DC's matter.

OP posts:

Mishy1234 · 28/11/2009 07:28

I don't think YABU at all.

When you have a family you do have to put them first and recognise that you have to change your lifestyle. I'm afraid that includes using up annual leave and the family budget on extended stag/hen weekends. It's very different if it's a best friend or if you are playing a central role at the wedding, but he's not.

These things are notoriously expensive (think up a number and triple it) and I would be suggesting that the money should be saved and put towards a family weekend as you've suggested.

Becoming a parent is a choice and IMO you do have to accept that sacrifices will be made. Why not suggest a night out closer to home in addition to the stag weekend? That's what my DH did to include his friends who had children.

upahill · 28/11/2009 13:12

Scrummy..
I have had a rethink about your question.
I do agree with you about stag/hen do's getting longer and out of hand. I had to miss a mates week long one in Prague because of a work project that I was in the middle of and some friends did miss it because of cost etc but all in all about 6 managed to go. So from the bride/groom's POV they just put an idea 'out there' and see what the take up is. Some go and some don't

The second thing I thought again about was the holiday issue. I have thought that it would depend on how many days leave he gets. I have stated that I go away by myself quite a bit dispite the fact I have 2DC. However I get 44 days leave including Bank Holidays and I accumalate a lot of TOIL. I can't have all my leave in the school holidays as we have to share it round the team which is fair enough.
MY DH is self employed so takes very few days off. So I use the opportunity to take time to go on holiday to Spain with my friend who has a vila there or go wild camping in Scotland or have a couple of 'girly' weekends.

So thinking about your question again the answer would be 'It depends!!!!!'

Maleeka · 28/11/2009 16:22

Thing is Mishy, becoming a parent doesnt mean that you stop becoming the person you were before you had kids.

Also, the OP has said that it isnt the finances she is mainly worried out because they have had time to save up and although she would prefer to have family time, they can afford for him to go.

I have 3 kids and love them and my OH to bits, but do you not think thats its reasonable to believe that its ok to not be "so and so's mum or OH" for a few days and just have some fun?

If this was an every weekend thing or one partner was constantly out on the lash then it would be a prob, but this seems to be a one off and i think the OP's OH will come back from this trip refreshed and happy to be back with his family. They do say that absence makes the heart grow fronder

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