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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say this to DH

105 replies

scrummymum · 25/11/2009 14:17

My DH has been invited on a stag do next year to Dublin. They are going on Thursday morning and coming back on Sunday night. This guy used to work with DH and they often went out on a weekend in a big group but they are not BF's or anything and now that they don't work together, they only see each other when they go out with another friend who see's them both regularly. This has only happened about 2 or 3 times this year.

I have told DH that I am not happy about him going for this long. We have a 5 year old DD and a 2 year old DS and as he has a job with long hours, I don't want him to waste 2 days of his annual leave and a weekend away from us.

Also, the trip will be horrendously expensive, with 3 nights in a hotel, food and an obscene amount of alcohol and travel. Its not that we can't afford it especially as it is so far in advance that we can save up, but wouldn't that money be better spent taking his family on a weekend away?

Maybe I am just BU but all these hen/stag do's are really starting to p* me off now.

OP posts:

mazzystartled · 25/11/2009 16:59

I understand, but I think YABU

It's one weekend, he'll have a fantastic time with a few friends, and have a brief memory of how fabulous it is to be free of children for a weekend. And he'll come back refreshed and happy and giddy, pelased to see you an grateful.

It's far enough in advance for you to invite some friends or family to stay or arrange to go and see them, and presumably he could have no objection to you either getting a babysitter for the Saturday night and going out, or arranging a weekend away some other time.

I do generally agree about the stupid escalating nature of stag and hen dos though

LeQueen · 25/11/2009 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bathsheba · 25/11/2009 17:07

I have in the past, when I know one of his mates has had a hotel room, told him NOT to bother coming back home until whatever time the following day when he was a functioning person again..

He clearly thought I was joking as he still staggered in completely smashed at 4am and then we had to write off the entire next day...

I'd LOVE him to go away for the weekend..!! He did go away to the football a few years ago abroad with 2 of his mates - it was great -I got to laugh at them in the photos looking as rough as hell without actually having to see them when they were that rough. Sorry Germany.

CitizenPrecious · 25/11/2009 17:10

I too would be grumpy about it, scrummy

... but that's not to say you're not BU

[confused emoticon]

I think you probably have to agree to it, but make damn sure you get an equivalent break back...

LeQueen · 25/11/2009 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

scrummymum · 25/11/2009 17:37

I hear what you are saying and I am not bothered at all to him going on the stag do at all. We have been together since we were 14 so I trust him completely and we have done plenty of things separately. We do not live in each others pockets at all. He is out tonight actually, straight from work for drinks and a meal with some old/current work buddies.

And I do like the time that I spend on my own with the DC's for all the reasons that you have mentioned, crap telly, do what I like (he is a real tidy freak, so I can actually leave my shoes by the door and not have him commenting on the fact), can go to bed when I want.

Its just the fact that it is 4 days for a stag do. It is just overkill and just because we won't starve because he goes away for the weekend, the money would be far better spent getting a new car as mine is falling to bits.

I wouldn't have the chance to go away with the girls as they are all mum's too and in a way worse position financially than me and would rather spend their limited money taking their family away. We do go out regularly for the night and have had the occasional one night away, but I am not bothered to go away for longer anyway.

And as I said earlier. It is much easier for DH to just up and disappear as I do or organise the childcare during the week. DH would have to take time from work to look after the DC which I can't see him being happy about just so that I can get legless with my mates.

Its not as if they have a wonderful bonding/talking weekend. They usually just get pissed and then get split up and DH ends up walking home from the pubs to the hotel on his own.

OP posts:

WidowWadman · 25/11/2009 17:39

It's 4 days! Where is the problem? Once a year my husband wanders off for a week to go walking in Scotland on his own, just leaving me a route description, so I can call Mountain Rescue and tell them where to look if he hasn't phoned at the agreed point in time (there's usually no mobile reception where he goes).

The time apart does both of us good, and I find it a bit strange if a couple never does anything without each other.

Original poster

scrummymum · 25/11/2009 17:50

I have already said that we do lots of things separately. I agree that time apart is needed to make a relationship work. The main problem is the money aspect (a waste in my opinion, as it goes in and comes out of somewhere and in my DH's case, one too many and he is pushed to remember which country he is in).

OP posts:

Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/11/2009 17:54

I still agree with you scummymummy. It's not helpful to have you painted as someone who just wants to spoil your DHs fun

upahill · 25/11/2009 17:55

Ha Widowwadwoman..That's excatly what I'm doing in January and Dh is ok with it.

Thought I won't bother getting mumsnet opinions on that one because I would be just flammed.(and I've been doing it for years anyway) However Dh is not able to go walking for many reasons some of which are physical at the moment.I think my nickname is a bit of clue for my passions. I love wild camping and walking over several days.
Bet he has a fantastic time.

mazzystartled · 25/11/2009 18:17

but that's what blokes bonding is all abot innit - getting lashed and behaving a bit silly?

Couldn't you agree that he has a budget for the weekend, that he has to save up from the bit of disposable income that he calls his own, and that he has to organise stuff for you (babysitter/bottle of nice wine) that allows you to have a nice weekend too?

I'd let him go with good grace. All his mates will think you are cool.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/11/2009 18:47

Sorry, called you Scummymummy OP

MaggieBelle · 25/11/2009 18:54

It's not the going away thing that would upset me, but as a dubliner, the price of drinks in those city centre tourist orientated bars is ridiculous. reeeeeeDICKyoolus.

I was charged 8 euro for a g&t in temple bar a while back.

Prinnie · 25/11/2009 19:01

I can understand the YABU people, but in my world YANBU. I think it depends on your family culture etc.

upahill · 25/11/2009 19:02

Maggie
I know what you mean . I've been to Dublin four times in the last couple of years. Once with my brother, twice with mates and once with DH. TBH I felt it was a bit overated. In fact I found it more expensive that Switzerland for drinks and not much better than Sweden!!!
Don't get me wrong I had a good time but it felt a bit contrived round Temple Bar. Especially seeing everyone drinking Guiness because they're in Ireland so you have to ...as if it's the law or something.

girlsyearapart · 25/11/2009 19:23

YABU but I do see where you're coming from.

My Dh has a big group of friends and goes on a fair few stag dos.

The last one was to Spain.

It was thurs am to mon pm. (after the dds bedtime)

The dds were 8mo and 20mo.

Dd2 ended up in A&E the very first morning after he left with an allergic reaction. She also had severely bad excema which meant she didn't sleep.

That same weekend I did the race for life 5k run after a very rubbish night's sleep with dd2 spread out on top of me.

I didn't resent him for going, though I did think it was nearer to a holiday than a 'weekend' but I gritted my teeth and got on with it.

Then went to Champneys for 2 nights with my sister.

And when I was there I bought another 2 night stay at Champneys on special offer

You just have to go for a weekend away yourself at some point and remind him how graciously you accepted him going..

Meanwhile Dh has another stagathon coming up at Easter.

I feel another stay at Champneys coming on

MaggieBelle · 25/11/2009 20:45

Upahill, the time I was in a bar in temple bar, it was totally contrived. There were irish dancers (not lapdancers I guess, something to be thankful for!) but we were the only non-americans or non-germans. Must have been mentioned in a guide book this bar.

Anyway, I asked for a g&t and the guy said 8 eeuro I said, no that's ridiculous, give me a soda water. I know he wasn't the owner, just a bar man, but I felt liek registering a protest! embarrassing or not.

IF anybody is going to dublin, might be worth taking the dart in either direcetion either north or south. if you go south, dalkey is a lovely village with loads of nice bars. Blackrock the same.

WidowWadman · 25/11/2009 20:51

upahill - he does. And he encourages me to do the same although I prefer not to be in complete solitude. .

Why would you get flamed for it?

Maleeka · 25/11/2009 21:18

I wouldnt flame you at all upahill, it sounds like its working great for you

I had a great weekend recently when my OH took the kids to his mums for the night and left me with a peaceful house, the bed all to myself and such much needed me time.

Frankly i enjoyed it so much and his mum loved having the kids so much that she is dying for another weekend with them. And who am i to say no

MaggieBelle · 25/11/2009 21:23

Stagathon! hadn't heard that one...!

rookiemater · 25/11/2009 21:23

I can't understand why your DH can't just go for one or two nights. 4 nights for a stag night is a long time and provided he is there for the Saturday night, when presumably the main celebrations will be happening, then he has done the stag do and saved some money.

IrritatedMe · 25/11/2009 21:29

YABU.

I love it when DH goes away for a few days with his friends. It is money in the bank time wise for me. I love the idea that one day he can look after the kids whilst I go on a girls weekend.

I would let him decide personally. It is 4 days, not an eternity. Personally I can't stand seeing families joined at the hips, and its not like your dcs are really really really young.

Original poster

scrummymum · 25/11/2009 22:04

I don't see why I am being accused of being joined at the hip with DH. I have explained that me and DH spend plenty of time apart, sometimes during the daytime on a weekend, sometimes on an evening and sometimes for one or two nights.

No, its not an eternity but just way over the top for a stag do IMO.

I don't see how the age of the children matters. I can cope alone with my children and have done at any age. DH goes away for work quite regulary for anything up to a week. It is not help with the kids I need at all.

And as I have also explained, the possibility of me going away for 4 days is extremely slim.

OP posts:

Maleeka · 25/11/2009 22:27

Ok so reading your last post, whats the prob then

Original poster

scrummymum · 25/11/2009 22:38

See my other posts.

OP posts:

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