To say this to DH

[scrummymum]

My DH has been invited on a stag do next year to Dublin. They are going on Thursday morning and coming back on Sunday night. This guy used to work with DH and they often went out on a weekend in a big group but they are not BF's or anything and now that they don't work together, they only see each other when they go out with another friend who see's them both regularly. This has only happened about 2 or 3 times this year.

I have told DH that I am not happy about him going for this long. We have a 5 year old DD and a 2 year old DS and as he has a job with long hours, I don't want him to waste 2 days of his annual leave and a weekend away from us.

Also, the trip will be horrendously expensive, with 3 nights in a hotel, food and an obscene amount of alcohol and travel. Its not that we can't afford it especially as it is so far in advance that we can save up, but wouldn't that money be better spent taking his family on a weekend away?

Maybe I am just BU but all these hen/stag do's are really starting to p* me off now.

I think YAABitU. My DP went away to Ireland last month for 4 days to a wedding of a guy he's not seen in 4 years! I was 31 weeks pregnant when he went and we have a 3.5yo.

We were invited as a family, but the cost for the 3 of us was way too much, so DP went alone - still ended up costing us over £400 tho, money we didn't have. But I didn't see anything wrong in him going as they used to very close when DP lived in Dublin.

Me and my DD had a lovely time while daddy was away, house managed to stay tidy too, and I didn't have to make big dinners or stay up past 10pm !

However it didn't earn me any brownie points, and when he didn't even ask me how either me or the baby were I nearly suggested he get back on the flight and return to Ireland! It also did take him 3 days to recover from all the drinking

YABU - I don't think you have to put your whole social life on hold until your dcs are grown up.

You could arrange nice things for you and dcs to do, perhaps have a few friends over in the evening or arrange a sitter and have a night out while he's away.

Hopefully he'll show his appreciation and let you get a break too.

I couldn't live that way LQ - it obviously works well for you though.
I want my hubby's adventures to be shared with me. He had plenty of adventures in the RAF in any case, we had no choice in not sharing those.

The one and only time he's been away on a jolly for more than one night was when he went to Le Mans 3 years ago, it was a once in a lifetime thing for him and our DD was doing her GCSEs so I couldn't go. He made it up by taking me to Mexico for my birthday.

I don't get the "letting your hair down differently when away from each other" thing?

The only thing mine does seperately from me is when he goes and flies his power kites and even them I can see them up on the hills from our front window.

Maybe because we spent so much forced time apart is the reason I really don't like spending any time away from him now.
I'm taking him out for his birthday soon and I'm quite resentful of the fact that I actually have to invite other people!

Could he maybe go for a bit less time, eg leave on Friday night and come back Sunday? One of my hubby's friends is having a stag do from a Friday to Monday- some people are just going Friday to Sunday, others are doing Saturday to Monday and some are going for the full Fridy to Monday.

If he did this, then he still gets the break and he doesn't use up as much leave or spend as much money.

And I agree that Dublin in particular will be expensive- I went there last year and you were basically talking £5 a drink, even in real dives.

A potential compromise?

YABU in terms of the time and him 'wasting' his annual leave, if he wants to go that is. My DH would probably not want to go for so long, esp for a casual friend, but if he did I certainly wouldn't say he couldn't.

However if you do actually have to save for it as you mention, then that's a different matter, and is something you should have a say in. So if you can't easily afford it then YANBU.

I don't have a problem at all with DH having a social life. He goes out quite a lot with the lads and since we have had children, he has been on quite a few weekends away for birthdays/stag/or just no reason, usually for one or two nights. I guess I just feel like 4 days away is just ridiculous.

I have been on a couple of hen weekends that mean I have stayed out for one night but I can't see that my DH would be that pleased for me to do 3 nights away. My parents look after my DC while I work on a thursday (i used to be a SAHM but started 2 days a week recently) and the friday I will be looking after them (both as it will be school hols). If it was me going, he would have to take a day off too to look after the DC on the Friday. So obviously, I can't just flit off when the mood takes.

TBH, my DH doesn't really like the idea of 4 days away but as the groom and the rest of the party are all childless, he thinks he will look bad if he doesn't go as they don't understand the whole kid thing. He does want to go but just not that long.

As for the money, I just think that it will be a lot and although we can afford it, its not as if nothing will suffer. If we spend the money on a weekend away then something else will have to be shelved.

FWIW. I haven't actually said that he can't go. I would never say that to him. But he know that I am not happy about it.

"he thinks he will look bad"?
How old is he, 15?

He's a father with a family ffs!

He could easily say that he will go, but just overnight, if they think less of him then they are tossers.

Yes I would have been livid Maleeka, at the time he had a forced week off at Xmas, and TWO weeks to have in the summer, so it would have been an absolute waste for him to use it for a non-family thing.

It is a long time for a stag do - is it an option to just go for saturday night, as someone else suggested?

After 2 nights out they'll all be flagging so some fresh blood might be a good thing for the last night!

YABU

Perhaps it is different when you have lifelong mates then?

We moved around 8 times in 10 years and he has changed jobs 6 times in the last 15 years, so even though we've stayed put all that time, he hasn't got mates as such any more, just aquaintances.
He's got our BIL and his dad for "male bonding" time/car talk/gadget comparison - he does get man-time fairly regularly, him and his dad + a few car club friends will happily snuffle around autojumbles a few times a year. I think he had enough "out with the lads/drinking" times when on detatchment.

I don't honestly think I've ever had a night out without him in 20+ years. Never wanted to, I don't actually "do" people very well, it's very few that I actually click with
( quelle surprise, eh?)

LeQueen, i totally get where you are coming from! Your girlie nights sound just like mine, and quite frankly as my OH is in IT, and i can just about find the on button on my laptop, going out with like minded blokes would have me chewing my bloody arm off!

TBH, my DH doesn't really like the idea of 4 days away but as the groom and the rest of the party are all childless, he thinks he will look bad if he doesn't go as they don't understand the whole kid thing. He does want to go but just not that long.

Then I'd encourage him to do what he wants.

Luckily our days of stag nights every other week are over - DH himself has said that he never wants to see another Go-Kart or Paintball gun.

BTW - It's not being a nag to ask for some equality in your relationship.

Mal you have never been out without your OH in 20 odd years!. Dunno why that surprises me tho, its obv that you and your OH have a great relationship .

But in my own case, i'd feel like i was slowly being suffocated if i went everywhere with my OH. I must admit to becoming a party animal once i hit 40 and went out with my mates a lot which caused a little resentment on his side tho.

I would tell him to go out with his friends more, but didnt realise that it was actually me that he wanted to spend time with!, typical midlife crisis i guess , so i'm making the effort to find time to spend equally between him and my friends.

But still, a 4 day girlie jolly??, sign me up

Flippin heck! It's 4 days away with a few mates when all said and done not four feckin' years!

I can't see what the problem is and I've tried. It's one weekend out of your life.Say no or let him go with a sour face and you will look like a sulky clingy wife.Why not arrange a weekend with your mates in the New Year. Try Malmaisson. There's one in most cities and they have a girls weekend offer. Me and girls go about twice a year.

If you were a bit stoney I would understand, bills have to be paid but like you said you can afford it. The fella might be a husband and dad but he is still a friend to other people.
I would and do what some oneelse suggsted - use his weekend to relax -yes you can do that with a 5 and 3 year old. We went out in the day time and I had a few girls round once kids had gone to bed.

YABU.

Give him a break. It gets really hard to keep up with friends. Experiences like this and the shared memories are what makes friendships last through the years when it is hard to keep up with each other.

YANBU. Hate the horrible things. What a travesty to waste money on it.

DH & I spend at least one or two weeks apart every year.

DH loves skiing - I hate it. I love trekking holidays - he hates them, so the compromise is taking separate holidays, but we do work together so see a lot of each other generally. We do holiday together with all the family as well, but as they are getting older I'm not sure how long this will go on for.

Although it can be hard work, I secretly love it when he goes away as I can have cheese on toast and a margarita for dinner, watch all the crap telly I want and spend hours on the phone/net to friends.

IMHO YABU, why can't you negotiate a bit of time for yourself in return????

TBH I'd far RATHER, if my DH was going to go out and get bladdered, that he did it in a different country and only came back to me when he was a coherent sober person.

The time involved is pretty much the same length of time as he'd be out of commission after one of his "once every 2 months or so" BIG NIGHTS OUT, which he doesn't even enjoy.

When I see him lying on the sofa all day on a saturday unable to talk to any of us, or snoring for hours on end, or when I'm lying in bed wondering if I should start phoning the hospiutals and getting the coastguard to dredge the rivers because its 5:30AM and he hasn't appeared home yet....then I bloody wish he was in a different country...

YANBU to not want him to go.

Not something my dh would do, he would rather be at home and he goes out twice a year. I wouldn't mind him going out more but it is his choice.