to lie to the NCT about my household income to get reduced antenatal classes?

[cilo]

DH and I are struggling financially at the moment. He used to work full-time but due to the recession has had to reduce his hours and his monthly wage has gone down by about £200 a month. On top of this our mortgage has gone up(our fixed rate has ended) and we've had a lot of unexpected expenses like the boiler needing to be replaced. I do work part-time but most of my wage goes towards nursery fees for my ds and my £250 a month train fare just to get to work.

I really really want to attend my local NCT antenatal course. I don't know any other mums-to-be and am desperate to build up a network of friends when my baby is born. I've heard the NCT is the best way to do this. Couldn't afford to attend the classes before my ds was born and this is my biggest regret, I feel very isolated at the moment and the thought of being isolate with two children makes me panic. I tried really hard when ds was born to find local playgroups, mother and baby groups, and asked my health visitor repeatedly for details but was told there weren't any in my area I do still scour the local papers, doctor surgeries but never see any playgroups advertised.

I'm normally a very honest person and do everything by the book but am seriously thinking of lying to the NCT about my household income to try and secure a place on their antenatal course at a reduced rate. Their literature says that if you receive any benefits at all, are a single parent and have a household income of less than £25,000 you can get a reduced place. Although DH and I together have an income above £25,00 and seem to be quite comfortable on paper, in reality we are really struggling and I can't find the full money to attend the course .

AIBU to lie?

could you use your health in pregnancy grant or has that gone elsewhere?

honestly, nct groups are seriously hit and miss anyway. my next door neighbour made a gang of great friends and they still hang out 6 years later. my other friend feels lumbered with a group of people she can hardly stand but can't quite shake off.

don't despair - this is not your only your only chance to meet a few like-minded souls.

Find out from the NCT if there are postnatal coffee groups happening in your area. If there aren't, join the NCT and volunteer to help organise them - you'll then be put in touch with other local NCT members and together you can organise some meet ups.

Or join and ask them specifically to pass your number on to people with babies born around the same time (who may be the ones you'd have been in the same antenatal class with anyway).

Going to the classes is not the only way to get in touch with the other mums you would have met there, or other local mums.

Like you, I could not afford to go on an NCT ante-natal class. However, instead of saying "That's it, I shall be isolated forever more", I now volunteer for the NCT and have met many many local mothers in that way.

I did NCT classes and am not in touch with any of the other mums. Like someone else earlier, I did pg yoga and I met some fab friends, one of which lives just around the corner. Even chatting to other mums in your local park/coffee shop would be a start...one of my friends I made in the park..she was walking with her baby when a squirrel jumped out of a tree onto to leg. She screamed, I laughed and the rest is history.

Volunteering for the NCT is a great idea too.

How about contacting your local Home-Start - they can match you with a volunteer who could help you get out and about and find some baby/toddler groups as well as helping reduce your isolation.

I'm not surprised you're sorely tempted, really. I would be as well. But the fact you've needed to post, asking, pretty much means you already know the answer. Am I right in thinking that you had a mild hope you were being overly scrupulous, and people would tell you it was fine? And just wanted to check in case? Tis human, and I'm sorry you've been lamped over it. Unscrupulous would be to go right ahead and lie, without giving a toss whether it was right or not.

It can be such a vulnerable time, pregnancy, and babies are isolating if you don't find groups, I know. I'm moving across the country next month, so I'm not surprised you're scared. But places will exist - most churches do coffee mornings, and good atheist that I am I will go - then Surestart centres often do, or you could do the good old turn-up-at-soft-play-and-smile-at-other-bored-lone-mums. Google "mother and baby groups" and "baby yoga" and "aquatots" and so on, all of which are either free or far, far cheaper than NCT classes at full cost. I've posted on the local site asking another mother in the same boat, same town, if she wants to meet up and push swings in January, she said yes: that's a start! Honestly I know it's hard, I'm nervous about this move as well because nothing seems longer than a day alone with a toddler (and DH will be working 13 hour days to boot in the new job) but there are all kinds of ways to meet people - what if you pay out, and don't like the classmates? Even if you do go, a back-up plan may be handy.

I would also, as people have suggested, ring the NCT people and explain a sudden change in circs and ask if your instalments could be spread over a longer time. They're a charity and may well be willing to work with you.

Finally, are you claiming everything you're allowed - are you now able to claim back some of the cost of your childcare via Working Tax Credits? Have you tried finding out if your entitlements have increased as your income fell?

YABU. Vallhala put it very well

Have you tried netmums? they have listings of local groups and local met-a-mum postings. Round us, most mother & toddler/baby groups are held in the church halls and are advertised in the local paper.

I have never attended antenatal through choice and dont really enjoy mother & toddler groups. I met one of my closest friends at the baby morning in our local soft play.

Meeting people should not cost you much (if anything).

google the families information service or childrens information service for your local area. they prob have lists and lists of playgroups in your area that you could go to and meet mums.
i met more people on antenatal swimming than through nct btw

I couldn't afford NCT classes and I knew noone in my area before I started the NHS classes - but as others have mentioned, i did also attend some of the FREE NCT bumps and babes meetings.

Scour church halls / local village halls for toddler groups. I refuse to believe there are none! If not, why not? If i were you, I'd set one up.

Now, this is going to sound brutal but I honestly don't mean it to be...

NCT groups aren't an automatic friend fix - yes they do a lot or reunions and coffee mornings and are generally smaller groups than NHS classes, but the other group members aren't obliged to become your friends...

It sounds to me like you've heard a lot about other Mums having "NCT friends" and you've built up a lot of hopes that, doing NCT classes will be some sort of "Insta-friends" fix...

I agree with all the other people who have said that you can do a Refresher course for the actual birth - this is far shorter and less expensive. You may also be able to do Post Natal groups - not every branch runs these, and they may not be walking distance from your house, but you can enquire. You can also do LOADS of volunteering for the NCT and meet people that way - I help to run our nearly new sales and my Dh says I know everyone with an under 5 in my city..!!

HOWEVER (and this is where I might seem harsh), if you go into ANY group or ANY event feeling isolated and nervous and "beating yourself up" (and it seems to me that you are doing that with your posts about financial worries and feeling isolated and worried about the arrival of your newborn and curtailing yourself by not driving....) then you'll probably some out of the group feeling the same way, and then being on here posting about people not talking to you etc.

One of the hardest things I have had to teach myself to do is overcome shyness and acquire a huge amount of brass neck and determination - people think I'm uber-confident and comfortable - I'm not, I'm as shy as the next person, nervous in groups and I am almost cripplingly phone-phobic....but I just HAVE TO get on with it and front up to peopleand talk to them, and put on my "uber confident" mask.....

If you are shy and nervous and feeling unconfident and isolated and DON'T overcome that, or at least put on the mask of overcoming that, then you'll probably remain that. One of the things I learned quickly is that other Mums are at these groups to meet up with their friends - they aren't paid and don't necessarily feel any responsibility to pull the quiet wee new person out of their shell - this is the only break in the week that they get too, and they aren't going to spend that time making stilted conversations with a nervous newcomer when they could be catching up with their friends. That doesn't make them either bad people, snobs, or "yummy mummies" - all of which are accusations that I;ve seen levelled at "other Mums talking to their friends" over the years on MN and other forums.

Yeh, YABU. They were all tossers at my NCT classes anyway and I lost touch with them all before our babies first birthdays . I made a fab lot of friends at aquanatal classes at the local leisure centre instead.

Then when dd was a bit older I volunteered to run the craft table at a church toddler group. Always offer to help - it means you end up chatting to everyone there.

Agree with MP when she says NCT mums with their PFBs are not your best bet for potential chums.

You've had some great suggestions on this thread on how to try and winkle out some mum mates where you live. Good luck with it!

Looking at your out goings can you afford to work?

I always found the NCT to be very middle class well off mummies. Will you feel crap if you can't keep up.

Nothing wrong with the NHS classes.

YABU.

when i was pg with dd1 now 4 months i was horrified that we had to pay for NCT and refused to have anything to do with it. I went to my free nhs class which was good but it doesn't automatically make you friends.

I you are going to pay you can also get pamper days which encouperate the classes which include 2 meal for around the same price.

However I have made more friends from my surestart mum and baby group and talking to other prg ppl at the gym. You wont end up isolated, don't worry. Why don't you check out you surestart and go along to a mum and baby cafe meeting there (pg ppl are welcome) see what you think.

don't lie- if the fees annoy you just don't go

NO time to read other replies but NCT wouldn't have me as a second time mum...so probably not worth worrying about it!

You are being unreasonable. Why not use your health in pregnancy (?) grant to pay for it?

Perhaps you could explain the situation and offer the NCT some sort of service in return for a cheaper course (like manning the door one of the nearly new sales or delivering leaflets). This would also enable you to connect more with the NCT.

However, to be honest, I don't think you will find what you need at an NCT antenatal course aimed mainly at first time mums. I went to an NHS course when I was pregnant with DS2, because I couldn't remember anything and wanted to meet people the area we had just moved to. I found had little in common with those expecting their PFB. I couldn't go along to coffee mornings in starbucks with my marauding 2yo for example. I also found it difficult to be sympathetic to how 'tired' they all seemed to be when all they had to cope with was the pregnancy - mean and unreasonable of me I know (I blame the hormones, I'm actually normally quite pleasant!).

If I were you, I'd get involved with the NCT by joining your branch and volunteering in the way I suggested above and not bother with the course.

An alternative - and don't flame me - is even if you aren't religious to go along to a family church service. Many churches run toddler groups and parenting groups and are very welcoming. I'm not at all religious (haven't been to church since I was 12), but have met lots of people in our village through the church.

Its not the only way to make friends, I think where you live and the fact you don't drive are whats really the problem.

have a look and see where your nearest surestart centre is There have loads of things to offer.

Second, try the hv again. Is it an office number you hae for her? If so don't ask to speak to her just say that you are looking for some advice on getting out and about and what grous are in the area and ask for the best person to speak to.

Third, Librays and churchs have stuff that goes on, I know my DD loves wriggly readers, and your very lo would enjoy it too.

Fourth, Post in the meet up section on mumsnet, if your really desperate try netmums

There are loads of things you could do.

Oh and when I was pg i went to the md classes and found out my hospital did one too so i went to both!

ps sorry about spelling

I decided we couldn't affored NCT classes (could have found the money from somewhere but preferred to spend it on things for dd) and didn't want to go to NHS ones.

So I googled ante natal classes in my area and found some private ones where we met at each others' houses in turn - good classes, prob somewhere between NHS and NCT - emphasis on freedom of choice so info on homebirths, waterbirths etc. They cost £3 pp and she gave us fruit too!

lots of doulas do birth preparation sessions and many are also trained antenatal teachers so it is worth looking into

also teh NHS classes

your choice is not just to be isolated and alone, you've had loads of great advice about how to meet other mothers without defrauding anyone, the NCT is a charity after all

contact the local branch, they can put you in touch with local groups, your surestart centre if you have one locally will have a mine of useful information and gruops, often local churhces run playgroups

sometimes you need to make a bit of effort and think of alternatives, even if you have had your heart set on something

I met loads of people at my NHS postnatal physio classes - you have to put your name down while you're still in hospital (if your hospital runs them of course) but very worthwhile, not to mention good for you...

well I bloody hated the NCT, but I agree it does help with meeting people, other ways are:

all areas have playgroups, contact the council as they have to be registered anyway

NHS classes

Mumsnet local

Netmums (even do mummy blind dates)

baby clinics

Playgrounds

Library baby sing songs

I know NCT costs but I think given they are a charity lying is a bit off, but if you do decide to, I aint going to judge you!

and dont panic as everyone is in the same boat!

and I know lots of ppl that did not do NCT as thought it was all bit middle class and poncy......

The other place I met people was at a post natal group at our GP surgery and our local cottage hospital also did a weekly postnatal group. Ds came home from hospital in the summer holidays so neither of those were meeting. They both seemed to be term time only, unlike the NCT group.