to lie to the NCT about my household income to get reduced antenatal classes?

[cilo]

DH and I are struggling financially at the moment. He used to work full-time but due to the recession has had to reduce his hours and his monthly wage has gone down by about £200 a month. On top of this our mortgage has gone up(our fixed rate has ended) and we've had a lot of unexpected expenses like the boiler needing to be replaced. I do work part-time but most of my wage goes towards nursery fees for my ds and my £250 a month train fare just to get to work.

I really really want to attend my local NCT antenatal course. I don't know any other mums-to-be and am desperate to build up a network of friends when my baby is born. I've heard the NCT is the best way to do this. Couldn't afford to attend the classes before my ds was born and this is my biggest regret, I feel very isolated at the moment and the thought of being isolate with two children makes me panic. I tried really hard when ds was born to find local playgroups, mother and baby groups, and asked my health visitor repeatedly for details but was told there weren't any in my area I do still scour the local papers, doctor surgeries but never see any playgroups advertised.

I'm normally a very honest person and do everything by the book but am seriously thinking of lying to the NCT about my household income to try and secure a place on their antenatal course at a reduced rate. Their literature says that if you receive any benefits at all, are a single parent and have a household income of less than £25,000 you can get a reduced place. Although DH and I together have an income above £25,00 and seem to be quite comfortable on paper, in reality we are really struggling and I can't find the full money to attend the course .

AIBU to lie?

How old is your first born? Have you tried making friends with mums at his nursery?

Whereabouts are you? Half my mum mates are MNers.

Get thee to the MN Local bit of the board, there must be something.

Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and buck up.

Thanks for suggestions. I will contact the branch secretary and see if they run refresher courses, post natal groups etc. It's my own fault for not being able to drive and then I would be able to travel to playdates. Did start learning but lack of funds meant I had to give up. Must desperately start saving for some lessons

I'm uncomfortable saying where I live as it's a small town.

Clio, I am really sympathetic to your circumstances but I have to agree YABU- my sister is an NCT breastfeeding counsellor and works really hard preparing for classes. She travels to them wherever they are, often carrying heavy equipment (she has spina bifida and doesn't own a car). Someone like her will work to produce a really good class, and the knowledge that you have taken advantage of them financially might sour any friendships you make.
If you can't find a mother and tots anywhere, would it be worth starting one yourself? It's not the easiest answer but if there is absolutely nothing in your area there must be a demand for it?

Sn0wflake I can't quite believe that you posted to boast about being a thief? Just because they made it difficult to pay it is OK to steal things? There are huge queues at my local supermarket, but I'm sure no one would think that that made it OK to just take stuff. It's nice to see you are proud you ripped off a charity.

You could name the county you are in. It wouldn't identify where you are but might give you some info about stuff near you.

I think there have been some really good suggestions on here as to other places to try to find other Mums. I do sympathise with your situation though, but try not to feel defeated before you've started. If you start out believing that you will be isolated then that is what will happen.

I also regretted not joinng the NCT the last time round (DS is 21mths) as all the people I know who did join have made some good friends. I am due DC2 in feb and will be moving before this to a completely new area, so have contemplated joing the NCT. However,even though I know they accept people who aren't having their first babies I am concerned that it will be full of first-time mums who will be going through everything together for the first time. I'm not going to be able to sit enjoying a maternity leave coffee morning with them and their newborns if I have a lively toddler in tow...

I guess what I'm trying to say is, dont pin all your hopes on the NCT classes. You might get there and not like anyone (it happens!) or like I say meeting up with them might prove more difficult if you are the only one with a toddler.

Do you see any other mum's with toddlers or babies around? Are there any living on yor street? If there genuinely isn't any groups out there at the moment would you consider starting one? You could contact your local church to see if they would be up for it. You'd soon make friends then!

No offence but why do you need to go to NCT classes? Is the NHS classes not good enough for you or something???

They do separate classes for those having their second/third etc so you wouldn't be with first time mums.

I did NHS classes and enrolled for NCT classes. I thought the NHS classes were large and not at all sociable. The NCT classes lead on to coffee mornings with your group hosted by a NCT person so you develop a ready made social group with babies of similar age. If I had relied on the NHS class I wouldn't have known anyone.

I attended all the NHS classes too and didn't attend any of the NCT ones as ds arrived too early. An invitation to the group coffee morning was incredibly welcome at a time when I felt utterly miserable. My class fee was refunded too.

Sympathies cilo, I know how you feel. I'm expecting my second baby and also worried about meeting new mums in my area. I have a couple of good mates made through my ds nursery but didn't make any through NHS antenatal classes etc

I do think you shouldn't lie though.

Surprised at some of the comments on here. A lot of people have been really quite mean to the op. She has said she's upset and worried and saying thinks like 'buck up' doesn't really help a woman who could potentially be suffering from depression and who has said she is isolated.

I thought women on here were more supportive, that's certainly been my experience so far anyway. Quite shocked really.

must depend on where you live because I've made fantastic friendships with the mums I met at NHS classes. didn't cost me a penny either. bonus!

if you just want to meet other mums, there's always the option of volunteering for the nct. there are loads of roles available, you wouldn't necessarily have to commit vast amounts of time to it. i bet people would be more than willing to give you lifts to get places too. (not a joke btw, some of the most committed volunteers i've known have been working parents w/more than one young child)

You should check with the HV (or the MW you're having appointments with now) and see if there is a SureStart centre in your area. I know someone above has mentioned this, but you didn't address it, and I think it's an extremely good resource for making mummy friends.

I live in Loughborough, which I wouldn't consider to be especially big, and we've got 3 of these centres. There was a post-birth group I was told about immediately, which lasted for 6 sessions (then we kept meeting on our own.) They also had a breastfeeding support group, which I also attended. Baby massage courses were offered. etc.

You should also contact local churches and/or Scouts groups. A scouts centre very close to me holds a group for a couple of hours every Friday which I didn't even know about until someone told me. And the church groups I've been to have not had a religious focus, in case that's a worry. They just happen to be buildings with enough space for the children to run wild.

I'm not going to be harsh with you, because honestly, you sound (mildly?) depressed. There is no reason to wallow in isolation. I don't drive either. It's difficult, but not impossible, to find mums groups. You just need to put yourself out there and ask.

I belong to the NCT, but I did not do their antenatal group. It was simply too expensive for what I wanted. Netmums (ducking!) advertised another group in my area, which was half the price of the NCT group. I'm still in touch with that group, as well. It can be done!

good luck!

Oh heck - off topic but when a fixed rate ends, don't they put you on their standard variable rate?

that's also a good point, you have various parenting websites including MN where there are meet-ups in your area. try some of those if you want to make new friends that are in a similar situation to yourself.

Have to agree with the majority saying YABU but I do feel for you, really. But if it helps, I don't think the NCT full course would be the thing for you anyway, because, as has been said, it is totally directed at first-timers. You'd be better with the refresher course if anything, which as it's shorter will be cheaper (surely?) The page about these is here. Looking through the listings for my area, I can see that they do the refresher ones for people on their 2nd or 3rd baby, and also one-day courses for people intending to have a 'normal birth' - if that includes you, then you could always try that avenue too.

Other suggestions would be:

• local churches almost always run playgroups. Walk past as many as you can and check out their noticeboards. You don't have to be a churchgoer to attend.

• Your local SureStart or Children's Centre. They will definitely have things on. Ours does groups for all ages, buggy walks etc. I am your health visitor didn't point you in that direction - mine did! - but just find out the details and ring them up. Often they don't have full schedules electronically available, but if you ring, ask for the group that'd be best for your DS's age, then go to that, you'll find out more when you get there.

But also, I bet your bottom dollar that if you are willing to put your rough location, or first part of postcode, on here, someone'll be able to help you out.

Thanks MollieO shows I haven't done my research!!

I agree my NHS classes were dire. I had 2 one-hour sessions and most people didn't show up for the 2nd one anyway. I don't think it is a case of being "too good" for NHS classes, but rather a case of the NHS classes often not being good enough at all! Although I suppose you are lucky if you even get offered them these days.

YANBU to lie

However, you aren't going to make loads of friends at the NCT. You've got an older toddler, who they are not going to want rampaging around their PFBs - and you will be the only mum with a child.

Try breastfeeding groups - tend to be populated by more multigravidas than NCT

They are a charity so no, lying isn't the right way to go.

Also, as someone else has said, the classes are very much geared up for first time parents - I did the refresher course with my second (as we moved area) and they were much cheaper - the only downside with that is that often the participants are more spread out.

I did NCT and NHS classes first time round - the latter were worse than useless for meeting people as there was only one session and the class was massive, so none of us kept in touch afterwards.

I would phone the NCT up and explain your circumstances - they may then suggest ways to help you pay in installments, or recommend other bumps and babies stuff, or have ideas on how you can get involved in the organisation locally.

I do sympathise though as we lived in an area where we were like fish out of water - I never really met any 'kindred spirits' as we were on such a different wavelength from all of our neighbours and I found being on maternity leave very isolating (and I did get involved with the NCT etc), so I hope that you find a solution.

YABU
How do you think the NCT can offer subsidised classes? Only because other ordinary parents knock themselves out in their spare time running nearly new sales etc.
I used to be an ante natal teacher, it's hard work and the pay is only v modest- but the classes have to be paid for by someone. I know it can look like a lot as a lump sum, buty if you consider that it's for 2 people, usually for 8-10 weeks it isn't so much really. I expect you could pay by installments if you wanted.
The NCT is a charity- do you really want to steal from a charity?

contact your local NCT branch and ask about post natal support.

What about advertising a coffee morning at your place? If there are no mums & tots groups around, there can't be that many mums and tots or they would have started one IYSWIM.

We live in a small village and one of the women just put a notice in the local spar and offered invitations (which she hand wrote, nothing fancy) when she saw people with buggies in the park. There were about 4 of us (plus kids) regularly having coffee in her living room for a while, then we found out about a toy library and all started going there.

If there really is nothing in your village, I bet the other mums would be delighted to be invited to your house. To make it easier you could start of with a purpose, like a bodyshop party (or something baby related)if you like.