...to be a bit scared about becoming a SAHM?

[CoffeeMum]

Sorry, this might be a bit long: DC2 is due in December. I currently work full time - about to finish - and DC1 is in nursery, which has been a great success [the nursery part, not my full time job].

H and I have always aimed for me to become a SAHM when DC2 arrived. Not only do I want to be at home with my children [though i completely respect anyone who decides to work and I know how brilliant nurseries can be], but it also makes sense on every level. Firstly, my salary would be completely consumed by two full time nursery places. Secondly, my enthusiasm for my job is at an all time low, and my time in this career has come to a natural conclusion. Thirdly, H has an extremely demanding job, and as such all the nursery runs and home front organisation falls to me - and i'd be the one to take time off if DC was sick - i can't imagine how this would work with TWO DC to think about. And finally, i've found juggling one DC with full time work a bit of a juggling act TBH. It hasn't helped that i've been pregnant for most of that time [i find pregnancy extremely tough, and i've been exhausted really, since I went back].

So, though money will be tight, i am to become a SAHM, and part of me is so looking forward to it. However, having read posts about the reality of being a SAHM, I am worried about the sheer repetitive grind of it, and whether i'm going to get lonely. I'm scared about becoming invisible as 'just a SAHM' and my non-mum friends and H being bored by me! I'm also scared about how i'm going to handle having another baby with DC1 not even two years old yet. I'm not afraid of hard work AT ALL, but i'm worried this is going to be a challenge i can't live up to.

Also, my first maternity leave was brilliant - lots of mum friends, fairly easy baby, outings and coffee mornings all the time - and i suppose, the knowledge that it wouldn't be forever. This time round, alot of my friends will be at work, and i know it's going to be much harder looking after two kids - not so much sitting around, gossipping and drinking coffee

I know that some of you will tell me, yes, i couldn't bear to be a SAHM - but to be honest, i don't think i have a choice, and it is what i want - i think. Am i just having a natural wobble about what is fundamentally a massive life change? After all, i've worked full time for nearly two decades now.

So AIBU? And thanks if you've made it this far

yanbu to be scared any big life change is scary. I'm a sahm to 3 under 3 but I have also worked part time some of the time aswell and although I really did love the fact that I was ME not MUM-ME and I personally thing that being at home is much harder than working part time I wouldnt change it for the world.

It is differenct second time round but not impossible to do all those things you enjoyed with ur dc1 when they were a baby. And I still sit around drinking tea and gossiping but my house is messier

I think what I'm trying to say is you sound like the kind of person who will really enjoy being at home with kids and you'll obviously do a great job at it too.

YANBU. It is a big lifestyle change and it is perfectly OK to be nervous about it! There are a lot of upsides though so don't think that you are doomed to total boredom. I'm a SAHM and did find it tough adjusting, I found that dragging myself along to every toddler group in a 20 mile radius and inviting random mums back to my house for coffee helped. Just make sure you don't end up spending all day every day at home with your DCs because you WILL go nuts if you do that. Make some lists of things to do, try to go out every day even if it's just to the local playground.

Maybe you could sign up to an evening class or something once DC2 is a bit bigger so that you can have something else to concentrate on. I go out to the pub quiz with my mates once a week come hell or high water and it keeps me sane

I LOVE being a SAHM! I enjoyed my job but always felt that I gave more than I got back, not so when I am at home with DS. It is hard work, repetative and exhausting but really great fun. You will have to use all the skills you used at work for organisation to arrange visitors (they might pop over after work for a coffee), going out, looking into things you did not need before when you had friends in the same position. You will find loads of people locally who are SAHMs and would love to meet up. Remember that eventually when the children are at school you will be back at work so it is not forever and you will probably miss it when the years have gone. Enjoy it and good luck!

By the way, YANBU . Just remember that 'stay at home mum' does not mean that you have to stay at home... if that makes sense.

YANBU. How about becoming a school governor? You don't need school age children, if you get in touch with your local education authority - they'll point you in the right direction. It is voluntary, and is perhaps 12 meetings a year that's all (although it can vary a lot). This is what I did when I became a SAHM and it was a whole new lease of life for me. It'll keep the brain cells ticking and will be good experience when you return to work in the future. And it also gives you a very useful insight into education for when your dc start.

I thikn YAB a bit U to take to heart too many of the stories on here - none of the posters here are you, none of them will have your reactions to your situation.

I have been a SAHM since DS was born, with some workng at home (not impossible) and have enjoyed it immensely. I haven't been bored (besotted PFB mum though! ) and haven't missed going to work AT ALL. I did't join any groups because I thought we were going to be emigrating sooner than we did in the end; but there are plenty of groups to join, as you probably know. I did take DS babyswimmming and to gymbabes, so we had out-of-the-home activities.

In reality, this is going to be what YOU make of it, and I would suggest that you try to see the positives in your changing situation rather than looking for the negatives so you have your mindset in a more useful place.

Thanks both. I had thought about some of the options you suggest - such as making it clear to H that i will need SOME me-time every weekend, no matter how demanding his job is - even if it's only a couple of hours. I'm also very keen to get a real structured routine to the week - toddler groups, outings to the park, meeting friends with little ones etc. I was a real believer in the 'get out of the house every day' thing on my first maternity leave - i just wonder if that's going to be a bit optomistic with two in tow, especially in the early days. I just have this vision of myself, unshowered, exhausted and stressed in a chaotic filthy house trying to deal with a toddler and a newborn!

I really like the idea of an evening class/regular night out though - but yes, it will have to be when DC2 is older. When DC1 was tiny and not in a sleep routine, there's no way I could have had an evening social life...

Thanks for the tips and the reassurance

OoohWhataFuss, thank you for the positive perspective! I think the trouble was that i have always been quite positive about the whole SAHM thing, but after reading about the downsides here [which i have certainly experienced to a degree on my last maternity leave] i was getting very worried. But then i suppose it makes sense that for everyone who hates being a SAHM there is someone who loves it? [crosses fingers!]
ManicMother, that's a great idea about the school governer thing - but we are almost certainly moving to another part of the country within two years, so at the risk of sounding selfish, my need to find out about local education is probably a bit limited. Something i would definitely think about if we were staying put though - you'd get the real insiders perspective.
Sounds like the key is to get out and about anyway....

I have known people who have liked and disliked staying at home and totally agree with thumbwitch that it is what you make it. Often the people who have not enjoyed it are the ones who loved their jobs, not a problem you and I have! Think of this as not only quality time with your children but a great break from a career you had decided wasn't for you and a chance to look to the future and research other avenues. Many toddler groups will let you bring a baby along, especially if you chum up with a mum in a similar position so one of you can avtively play with toddlers while the other keeps an eye on babies. Not saying it will be easy but try to find some people near you who love SAH and the positivity might rub off.

No, nobody can accuse me of loving my job! I will be so glad to be finished with it.

Yes, positive mindset it is - or at least, trying to maintain the positive mindset i had before all these doubts started to creep in...

if you think it is what you want,go for it.only you can decide if it is for you

i imagine some structure and activities will help. get a circle of supportive pals

and also make some you time after weeks as sahm .months have a day when your dp looks after children and you go to hairdresser see friends something just for you

then when they are school age get a job again. as they will be out from 830-3.00pm so no point knocking around house nothing to do

YANBU to be a SAHM. if you keep to a routine, meet up with plenty other mums regularly and make sure you are busy, you will not have time to miss a full-time job!

I wonder how my days get swallowed up but they do, it's amazing how one week can pass so quickly being a SAHM. Seriously.

Whatever decision you make, you will always be thinking 'what if..' There's not really an ideal answer for anyone, we can't have it all, and something has to give.

keep in touch with work colleagues so you can return when they both at school

dont know what your job is,but try keep up to date by reading etc.maintain knowledge for return to work

Try out lots of activities with your children - if you find enough, you'll find some you love, with like minded individuals, and have a great time.

I would say there's not a great rush to go back to work if you choose to be a SAHM. You could always study when they are at school later on, rather than going out to work. There are plenty ways to keep your mind occupied other than getting a job! If you can afford this kind of lifestyle then why not.

I think you´re wise to go into this new situation with your eyes open.

My first thought is that you are not expecting support from your dh regarding the children. You see any child care costs as your responsiblility and to be offset against your salary. I think this is a fundamental flaw. These expenses are for both parents.

I understand you´ve come to the end of the road with your current career, but if changing career now will be hard, at least your current work gives you a springboard to something else. Starting from o in a new job will not get esaier after a few years out of the job market.

I appreciate your dh has an extremely demanding job. What do mothers do when they have an extremely demanding job? I´m sorry, but something has to give. You should not be expected to support your entire family so your dh can contnue unaffected by his family situation. What is your dh´s role in your family? Purely financial?

Have you considered the shift in your relationship when you take up your new role as SAHM? That you will be financially dependent and fully responsible for all the day to day s* as well as the joys of motherhood?

I would just consider the above.

very good post OnMyOwnAgain.

Financially dependent with all the every day shit. Just about sums it up.

have a plan what to do when both at school. study or new career and make moves on that as school age approaches. any break from work makes re-entry hard so plan how to navigate this

Also bear in mind that when you do go back to work you may well be paid a pittance compared to your current salary. Re-training can be expensive and it may be impossible to match your current salary if you plan to go back to work part time. Or even impossible to get part time work as a new starter in a new career.

Sorry to be on such a downer CoffeeMum, but if you take this step go into it with your eyes wide open!

Thanks everyone, lots of good advice and reasonable points made here.
ScottishMummy, i'm really completely done with my current career - no desire to take it further, so i'd like to keep in touch with colleagues, but it'd only be for social purposes really. I really want to get back into the workplace when the DCs are at school, but we'll be in a new area then, and i'm not looking to stay in the same industry, so starting from scratch may be unavoidable. I definitely want to use this time to regroup and plan my next move, study, get more qualifications etc.
Okay, OnMyOwn Again and Belgo - you make valid points. Yes, on paper, H will be bringing in the money, and I will be taking care of the kids and home. However, he fully and absolutely realises that his career [doctor] would be literally impossible without my supporting him in this way [I would genuinely like to hear from any full time doctors who are also mothers to find out how they manage it!]. As such, he has no qualms whatsoever about being the sole financial provider for the family at this time. I might add that my income was the only household income for five years while he trained - so really, if it comes down to money, i have five years grace if you want to look at it in those terms. But to be honest, i think we're just looking at it that we're both contributing equally to our household - just in different ways.
I will get support from my H with the children - when he's around, he's amazing. He is absolutely part of family life - if he's not working, he's with us 100%. However, the bare facts of his working life are that he's frequently not around from 7.30am until gone 7pm - and a good few late nights and weekends too. Seriously, the toughness of his day definitely rivals that of a SAHM. It just seems that if i'd be working simply to pay the nursery fees, and i don't even like my job - well, what's the point? Honestly?
I know some WOHMs have demanding jobs and i take my hat off to them - but the ones i know are either making enough money to get the help they need [cleaners, nannies] or they simply love their careers in a way that i really, really don't.
Anyway, that's the reasoning behind our choice for me to do this - the decision is made really. It's just my feelings about it that were starting to get a bit shaky!

I am a SAHM, dd is in reception, ds yr 3, planning on looking for a job when she starts year 1.

I am doing voluntary work at a local children's centre, help out in dd's classroom and also studying for AS Level French.

Have enjoyed being a SAHM, get fed up with being housekeeper though.

When dcs were little I did book selling and reception work to earn some extra money. I am hoping an employer will look on this positively, as agree with Scottishmummy a break from work makes re-entry difficult.

Thanks Princess Toadstool - another positive perspective much appreciated! I do sound of a similar mindset to you, and i do love spending time with DC1, so hopefully at least some of that will remain when DC2 arrives.
I think you make a good point about holding the purse strings - and I will be in a similar position in terms of controlling our household income. Though H will be making the money, i'm actually far more financially responsible and organised, so there won't be any doling out of 'housekeeping money' every week. H, to his credit, has never showed an ounce of doubt that it'll be 'our money'. I know that's how it should be, but it so often isn't, i'm coming to realise.
OnMyOwn, really good point about the salary situation. However, my employer has been so apalling since i returned after maternity leave, that i'm pretty much being financially exploited in relation to my contribution - but that's another story. I suppose it's made me pretty cynical about being fairly renumerated as a working mother anyway. I guess i'll be fairly fortunate in that H will be earning a decent salary which will ease the pressure for me to bring home wads of cash, and H wants to see me to something i love [as do i!] but i don't want to just get a 'little job'. However, if i find something hugely rewarding that doesn't necessarily pay the earth, i may be lucky enough to be able to do that.

CoffeeMum, in your situation I would discuss with your dh how he will financially support any retraining you may want to do in the future. I am worried for you that you are going to get stuck in a situation that may work out well in the short term but not necessarily in the long term. In this situation you are preparing to sacrifice yourself and your own needs in the long term. I know. I could have written your post 5 years ago. Financially supporting my dh is long forgotten (and I don´t mean this in a negative way) - but I don´t think I´m ever likely to financially recover from the consequences of giving up my first career.

5 years on I am stuck living where my dh finds or chooses to work. If we separate I can not maintain a certain standard of living for my dc and will not even find work that pays enough to pay the bills.

I guess I´m saying PLAN out your future carefully. PROTECT your position in the family. Realise you will be become taken for granted. But listen to your gut feeling, whatever that is.

Coffeemum - I don't know what your jo is, nor your qualifications - but you do have the option of taking a course while you are a SAHM to either change career or broaden your options - possibly even to work from home.

I am glad you are feeling more positive about it again - I think you will enjoy it and possibly be surprised how unbored you get!