...to be a bit scared about becoming a SAHM?

[CoffeeMum]

Sorry, this might be a bit long: DC2 is due in December. I currently work full time - about to finish - and DC1 is in nursery, which has been a great success [the nursery part, not my full time job].

H and I have always aimed for me to become a SAHM when DC2 arrived. Not only do I want to be at home with my children [though i completely respect anyone who decides to work and I know how brilliant nurseries can be], but it also makes sense on every level. Firstly, my salary would be completely consumed by two full time nursery places. Secondly, my enthusiasm for my job is at an all time low, and my time in this career has come to a natural conclusion. Thirdly, H has an extremely demanding job, and as such all the nursery runs and home front organisation falls to me - and i'd be the one to take time off if DC was sick - i can't imagine how this would work with TWO DC to think about. And finally, i've found juggling one DC with full time work a bit of a juggling act TBH. It hasn't helped that i've been pregnant for most of that time [i find pregnancy extremely tough, and i've been exhausted really, since I went back].

So, though money will be tight, i am to become a SAHM, and part of me is so looking forward to it. However, having read posts about the reality of being a SAHM, I am worried about the sheer repetitive grind of it, and whether i'm going to get lonely. I'm scared about becoming invisible as 'just a SAHM' and my non-mum friends and H being bored by me! I'm also scared about how i'm going to handle having another baby with DC1 not even two years old yet. I'm not afraid of hard work AT ALL, but i'm worried this is going to be a challenge i can't live up to.

Also, my first maternity leave was brilliant - lots of mum friends, fairly easy baby, outings and coffee mornings all the time - and i suppose, the knowledge that it wouldn't be forever. This time round, alot of my friends will be at work, and i know it's going to be much harder looking after two kids - not so much sitting around, gossipping and drinking coffee

I know that some of you will tell me, yes, i couldn't bear to be a SAHM - but to be honest, i don't think i have a choice, and it is what i want - i think. Am i just having a natural wobble about what is fundamentally a massive life change? After all, i've worked full time for nearly two decades now.

So AIBU? And thanks if you've made it this far

IME, it is good to give yourself a deadline of Friday night for getting all routine chores and errands out of the way so that you can enjoy your weekend as family. If you make yourself devote Monday morning to clearing up after the weekend, and most of Friday to getting the shopping done and the house tidied up, you still have plenty of week time for enjoying yourselves, interspersed with some light housework.

Good tip Bonsoir. Probably wildly optomistic to imagine getting through a weekend with two small DC without doing any chores - but loving the idea of getting the bulk of it out of the way. Also means i might get more of a break at weekends [ha!]

IME you don't have to do laundry, ironing or food shopping at weekends if you get organised.

Hoovering under the kitchen table and tidying toys cannot be avoided

Have not read all the messages so sorry if I'm repeating!

I would try to just take each day and month as it comes. Just because you are not going back to your current FT job, doesn't mean you will necessarily be a SAHM for the next 10 years. For the next year, you will essentially be on ML, meeting your new baby and adjusting to life with two children. Take that time to get used to it, and see how you feel at the end of it. It may be worth retraining (many colleges have creches) or trying something completely different, working part time or working for yourself.

I'm quite the opposite to "taking each day as it comes" - I plot and plan months and years ahead so that our family does as many interesting things as possible in our spare time. That, to me, is one of the huge advantages of not working/not working much - time to plot and strategise and execute your family life!

Sorry haven't had a chance to read whole thread, but some observations.....

I am currently coming to the end of my year-long maternity leave (although I only work 18 hours a week normally). And have DCs 8mo and 3yo. It has been a totally different situation being at home this maternity leave compared with the first one. I can get out and about shopping a lot less , and have MUCH less time for myself, but DC1 is very good company during the day. However, by 5 or 6pm I am SHATTERED and desperate for DH to come home and 'rescue' me! You WILL find it hard being stuck in the 'grind' so I would advise speaking to your DH about some free-time for yourself on the weekend. I know you want to spend time with the whole family but IME you will need at least an hour or two to yourself. When I just had the 1 DC, I very rarely thought about my own needs, now I feel that I have to put myself first sometimes for my own sanity. So now my DH looks after the kids on his own about once a month so I can go shopping and have some 'me' time. If your DH can't help with this, then I would seriously think about keeping your DC1 in nursery a day a week.

i was a SAHM til DS's were 6 and 2 and i loved it. Then i went back to working 2 days a week which was really good as it kept my brain stimulated and gave me a bit of adult conversation. Now my 2 DS's are 17 and 21 and i gave up my job in july. I am bored out of my head and find it really difficult to get going in the morning. I really feel as if the rot has set in and im normally a really early riser and never sit still. I am really active in that i play lots of sports ,but find it so boring being at home. I thought i would enjoy it,but the novelty has soon worn off. I know its not the same as having a new baby but if you are used to full time ,you might get a bit bored.

I have just become sahm because we've moved, and because we thought it might be a good idea anyway as we suffered under the pressure of 2 demanding jobs with 3 small children. I don't like it at all, because I am not good at imposing my own structure on the day, I waste time and get frustrated. I miss my salary and my sense of independence. I hate feeling like everything domestic is my responsibility, though obviously dh is not going to do it or think about as he's out from 0745 to 2130 every day. I am looking for work now, but hoping to find pt or something with shorter hours.

I´ve been a SAHM for 7 years now (!), and have had ups and downs.

I have worked long enough to know that a job isn´t everything either.

I don´t think i became more boring or if I did, I didn´t notice...

I needed the following things to make it work for me:

• a joined bank account, money NOT controlled by DH but by us as a couple, his income was (is) our income.
• my own savings account (I call this my "running away money", enough to tide me over if something crap like DH taking a GF would ever happen. It´s not likely, but these things DO happen. I do not want to eb in a financially vulnerable position)
• going halfs with housework in evenings and weekends, otherwise my job never ends.
• DH to take DCs out to park or so for an hour or two, weather permitting, so I get to be alone for a bit (I remember the feeling of never being able to go to the loo on my own, desperate!)
• I do not try to be a domestic goddess.

As to going out, do it as much as possible. You´ll meet more people, and having a network of friends and contacts is key. That way someone can look after your DC for an hour while you get your hair cut, go to dentist etc. And you could do that for them.

good luck, it´s not always a picnic, but then again, neither is working outside the house. It´s BOTH work really!

HTH

also, do your supermarket shop online!

The first time it´ll take some getting used to, but after a few times you´ll be able to do it in 10 mins. (my fave is Sainsbury´s)

No toddler tantrums or crying babes in the isles...bliss!

I do agree that being a sahm is work that's very like going to the office. It has its fun bits, pleasant bits, awful bits, stressful bits, exhausting bits, existential crisis bits in the same way really.

I just looked back at my earlier post and it's misrepresentative. I can actually see the upside of more time with the kids very clearly, and I've also taken up some hobbies that I'd missed for years, or only had time to do at night(!) while working ft.

I still want a job though!

i would recommend online groceries to anyone. less hassle,they carry into kitchen.just good and you aren't harassed.place order when they in bed (and remember add some wine for yourself)

Thanks for all further replies - you are all full of good advice and it really helps to hear from those who have real-life experience of being, or not being a SAHM.

Already do my supermarket shop online - and yes, it's a godsend, will definitely be keeping that up. Also, it's good because if you get the delivery in the evening, H has to help with the unpacking

As i say, i will definitely be having full control of the joint account - it scares me when women don't know the financial situation and their H 'takes care of that side of things'. Good point about the savings account too - that's actually in my name anyway, so not a bad idea to keep it that way perhaps.

I think the really key things here are to absolutely ensure that I get my 'me time' every week [and not just to do housework], and also to treat the whole move as a work in progress. If i really hate being a SAHM, i CAN always go back to work...okay, i'd essentially be working to pay for the childcare, but we'd be no worse off, and if i find i prefer that life, then it remains an option. I feel better knowing that i can keep my options open i must say.

Sorry - can't remember who advised, don't free your H up from domestic duties, or his work will just expand to fill the gap - but i made sure H did three errands this morning before he went to work [stuff i can't do while heavily pregnant] - so i'm heeding the advice! After all, he may have a demanding job, but if he was single, he'd have to do a darn sight more, kids or no kids!

It can get repetitive and a bit of a grind, yes, being at home with pre school kids. But what helped me when my ds was this age was just remembering that I was building memories for him that will a)last a lifetime and b)play a part in forming him as a person. When you look at it like that, whether you are lightly (or even majorly) bored does not seem so important. And the other thing that with a child of 20months, you just can't know yet, is how very quickly this time goes - and of course you never ever get that time back.

And personally, un-pc though it may be, I believe that children gain a huge amount when a parent makes them the centre of their daily life in these pre school years. Yes child care can be great, so can nursery; I'm simply saying that being at home with mum is great too and worthwhile

It was these thoughts that sustained me during some 'back to the grind' days.

You will get strategies that enable you to cope, I do agree with the poster who said make a plan every week - a loose timetable, because there will be days when you're so knackered you won't be able to cope with dealing with the kids AND thinking! If you've already done the thinking and planning then it's alot easier when you get a bad day!

And finally I totally agree with making sure your DH is still engaged in the housework/daily arrangements otherwise he could get detached - and when you do eventually work again, somehow it's STILL your job to do everything!

Good luck!

I was at the same situation a year ago. I was starting my maternity leave from a company that had treated me so badly after DS1 was born doing a job that I was fed up with.

A few weeks after DS2 was born, my employer called me up to inform that I will be made redundant upon returning to work in November. Here I am now, sitting in the office doing nothing and waiting for them to terminate me.

I'm really pleased to see the last of my morning rush to the CM and the crowded commute and seeing my children 2h per day. I will not miss my job and under the current climate am not likely to get another one anytime soon. So I will be a SAHM for a while at least.

My redundancy pay should see us until summer and I'm really looking forward to spending more time with DCs. I will eventually have to find another job but I think that this is a wonderful opportunity to take some time off and enjoy the little ones.

I hope that you (and me) can enjoy the time and not to worry too much about the future job prospects. For me at least this is temporary and I'm determined to make the most of it.