...to be a bit scared about becoming a SAHM?

[CoffeeMum]

Sorry, this might be a bit long: DC2 is due in December. I currently work full time - about to finish - and DC1 is in nursery, which has been a great success [the nursery part, not my full time job].

H and I have always aimed for me to become a SAHM when DC2 arrived. Not only do I want to be at home with my children [though i completely respect anyone who decides to work and I know how brilliant nurseries can be], but it also makes sense on every level. Firstly, my salary would be completely consumed by two full time nursery places. Secondly, my enthusiasm for my job is at an all time low, and my time in this career has come to a natural conclusion. Thirdly, H has an extremely demanding job, and as such all the nursery runs and home front organisation falls to me - and i'd be the one to take time off if DC was sick - i can't imagine how this would work with TWO DC to think about. And finally, i've found juggling one DC with full time work a bit of a juggling act TBH. It hasn't helped that i've been pregnant for most of that time [i find pregnancy extremely tough, and i've been exhausted really, since I went back].

So, though money will be tight, i am to become a SAHM, and part of me is so looking forward to it. However, having read posts about the reality of being a SAHM, I am worried about the sheer repetitive grind of it, and whether i'm going to get lonely. I'm scared about becoming invisible as 'just a SAHM' and my non-mum friends and H being bored by me! I'm also scared about how i'm going to handle having another baby with DC1 not even two years old yet. I'm not afraid of hard work AT ALL, but i'm worried this is going to be a challenge i can't live up to.

Also, my first maternity leave was brilliant - lots of mum friends, fairly easy baby, outings and coffee mornings all the time - and i suppose, the knowledge that it wouldn't be forever. This time round, alot of my friends will be at work, and i know it's going to be much harder looking after two kids - not so much sitting around, gossipping and drinking coffee

I know that some of you will tell me, yes, i couldn't bear to be a SAHM - but to be honest, i don't think i have a choice, and it is what i want - i think. Am i just having a natural wobble about what is fundamentally a massive life change? After all, i've worked full time for nearly two decades now.

So AIBU? And thanks if you've made it this far

people seem to be so up in arms that if you aren't in employment you're basically going to be taken advantage of, become a skivvy, housekeeper etc. sorry but it's not like that. many re-train or study whilst they are SAHMs, it's not impossible. And it shows that you ARE looking to the future and plan to make changes when DC are in school and more independent. Just because you take a break from the workforce doesn't mean you are never going to find another job later on! If that was the case many women would never find a job again after the childrearing years.

OP I'm sure your H wants you to do what makes you happy most of all, and ofcourse what suits your family the best at this time.
You are not a complete failure if you choose to be a SAHM

Maybe you could take the time out with your kids to think about what it is you really want from a career. That way you can start doing things to make yourself an attractive prospect so that when they start school/you don't feel the need to stay at home anymore getting back into fulfilling work will be easier. Maybe training or voluntary work or something academic.

This would also be good because it would give you other interests. Of course it's great to be interested in your children but some men get bored when that's all their wives talk about.

Absolutely YANBU. I felt the same as you a bit - but it is actually liberating in some ways.

So long as you have something to do which is a bit challenging, you won't get bored.

Only read OP. I thought it would be a massive life change. It wasn't, it was fine. Life doesn't seem that different, somehow. Maybe because so much of life goes on inside your head and that doesn't change so much, IYSWIM.

Your DH's work will always be long hours, though. If working for you doesn't work now, do you think it will ever work again? Even when a Consultant there'll still be on calls, evenings, weekends, the private work they all fill their Saturdays with etc.

Well said Lovechoc and LittleHead, I appreciate that leaving work makes it harder to return to work in the future and that you may earn significantly less when you do, but if you don't like your job anyway and would be leaving it in the near future, rather than rushing in to another career that you may not like, this break from work gives you time to decide what you might want to do and look into how to enter that career. Working from home, freelancing etc are all possibilities and I have known many people who have been out of work for 5 yrs+ raising children who have gone on to work again and earn good money doing something they enjoy. You may find that it is easier to enter your ideal profession after a break as you will not be used to an income and might therefore be willing to start lower and work your way up, giving you MORE of a chance at beginning a career you love. Good news all round!

I just wanted to remind you that even though becoming a SAHM seems like a huge step, it doesn't need to be forever. If you change your mind you can always go back to some kind of employment or training. Agree with OooohWhatAFuss thats its easier to go from SAHM to college/bottom-of-ladder-job than it is to quit a job and do it.

For what it's worth I lasted 16 months as a SAHM and had to go back to work before I went crazy but I think the problem was I have no-one else who is around during the day for adult company. Make sure you fit something in for conversation and stimulation!

It isn't always workable to be a two-job couple - sometimes one person in a couple has such a demanding job that they have no time/energy left for domestic work, and family life becomes overly stressful if the other partner works. It sounds from the OP as if she is in that situation.

Up to a point, though, people choose how demanding their jobs are, and if one person knows that the other person will always deal with the domestic stuff then they won't bother to keep their job from taking up all their time.

And no one's job takes over their entire life unless they are Prime Minister or something.

I also worked f/t with DD1 and became SAHM with DD2 onwards. It took me a while to adjust and I did feel abit 'invisible', I have been judged (usually by working mums in the family) but have grown a thick skin and now love being a SAHM.

It has taught me loads and I feel I appreciate more simple things in life than before, I always seemed to be working for a bigger house, holidays, new car etc but the money was usually swallowed up in bills anyway. I feel liberated that I am not tied to anything each day (other than school runs). It's great that when DH''s shifts are changed at the last minute, there are no worries about childcare and when school plays are announced, I don't have to hesitate to know I can probably make it. It's also quite good knowing we can live on one wage (we have cut back alot for this) and that I can get a job if need be rather than being in the position of dependency on two incomes.

What has worked for me is having time with friends for coffee etc and also I volunteer at school and am studying with the OU. Both partly for fun but also in case I need/want to get a job at any point. I am aware that I am taking a risk jobwise and pension wise, but to me it is worth it. Anyway, everyone has to take risks, we may not even be here in 50 years.

LOL I was talking to a friend this lunchtime who is not a PM or anything and he had been to Korea for lunch from Paris last week. Jobs with those kinds of demands don't leave much room for being home for bath time with the children!

CoffeeMum time enjoy your SAHM time but have a plan to re-enter workplace.fast-forward at 13-14yo children dont want/need mum around as much and as they get older they will walk to school be increasingly independent. you need to have a something else.not wholly being sahm as that role inevitably decreases as they get older.once they both are at school you will need something to do,as the sahm mum role has decreased

But you can then (when they are at school) have more time for yourself!! Doesn't have to be paid work!!! My 13 year old DD loves me being at home after school. I actually think teenagers need a parent around just as much. If she didn't I would probably wonder why, she gets plenty of her own space though.

I agree, jellybeans, and DP and I both agree strongly that the DSSs (14 and 12) became much greater consumers of parental input when they started secondary school than they had been during the primary years. And, with every year they pass, they need more not less parental time. Evenings and weekends are very busy in our household.

It's only sahps that say that though.

Of course teenagers need a lot of parental input but with two of us working full time, there is only 1.5 hrs each day when dd1 is on her own. That does not equate with missing out on a lot of parental input.

I don't think DP feels like a SAHP .

And to op, nothing has to be forever.

Plan being a sahm in the same way as you'd plan any paid-working day. If you really don;t enjoy it, make another plan in 6 months time.

lol, no! But he has a wife who is always there for the kids and it is certainly far easier to work full time when your partner is at home.

i love being a sahm to ds and i will feel really sad when it reaches it's logical end. even though dh (and the MIL) are obsessed with the idea of people working all the time (though neither have a lot to show for it IMO), dh has been really good in recognising that ds needed this time with his mum. i don't mind being MUM-ME rather than just me - ds is an only and a relatively easy child with a sunny disposition- i have always felt that this has allowed me to retain a part of the old ME more so than my other mum-friends who seem to be completely immersed in a sea of mealtimes, tantrums and soiled nappies.
my previous career required me to fly out to faraway places practically every fortnight (not just for work but for bonding exercises too ). i did not see the point of some of it then and i just wouldn't do it ever again (although i know people who do and they are not monsters or anything!)
i miss the money sometimes though i have never been very materialistic anyway. yet i admire my neighbour's swanky loft conversion out of the window and i think to myself ' i have wanted one for years, yet it may never happen'. five years ago it would have been a couple of month's salary; now, i could save up for the rest of my life and still fail to raise those kind of funds

living in london means that the question of boredom does not arise - there are so many groups/days out/ museums i could never do them all if i tried. i am still an nct member (i found the local newsletters to be invaluable in the early days).
i am the opposite to you in that i may freak out about returning to the tough old outside world and have another baby to buy me another five years at home - just have not felt broody enough and have other plans whih might have to be abandoned if i was stuck in that situation once again.

Is that supposed to be a description of my household? Because it's nothing like that...

i agree with bonsoir in that ds requires greater (not less) input as the years pass and i dont see this changing in the years to come. i know this is not the same for everyone - perhaps providing a lot of quality input from day one has created a child who is essentially high maintenance on many fronts (not just financially speaking).

I would argue that my DH's job takes over his entire life for months at a time. He left our house in August, and won't be back until the end of the year. So in that time every domestic decision, crisis, illness... has been my problem. Yes, I could work, but when I did, if something went wrong, my world came crashing down. As a SAHM, this juggling act is much easier. I am in the situation that Bonsoir talks about. Even when DH is home he still works long hours, about which he has little choice. But he's happy to have my support and encouragement, and loves the fact that I am the constant for our DCs.

I think that having high expectations, able children and the ability to provide opportunities for children's development does mean that parental input is greater as the years pass. If you have no cash, no skills and children with very average ability you might get let off the hook!

i agree Bonsoir, but that relationship will naturally evolve in the next few years so that they need you less than ever ...